Page 110 of Worse Than Murder

‘You could say that.’

‘We should have stuck together, though. I shouldn’t have left you behind.’

‘He would still have killed my family.’ There’s a crack in my voice.

Adele scooches over and puts her arm around my shoulders once again. ‘I still can’t believe it. Poor Penny. And Nathan and Joseph. They were so young.’

We remain silent as we try to make sense of the enormity of their deaths. We can’t. It’s simply too incomprehensible.

‘How’s Harriet?’ Adele eventually asks.

‘I’ve no idea. She won’t have anything to do with me. Not that I can blame her. I hate me, too.’

‘You’re not to blame.’

‘I am. I should have left the force after the shooting.’

‘And look at what would have happened, if you had. You saved Sian and her children from being killed by her husband. They would all be dead, if it wasn’t for you. You are not to blame for the actions of others. The only person to blame is the man doing all this. Not you.’ She speaks with force and conviction, and I almost believe her. ‘Harriet hates you right now because she needs someone to hate and you’re the closest. When the killer is caught, when she knows who really killed her boys, she’ll come round. I promise.’

I take a deep breath. ‘You know, sometimes I think I can fight. Sometimes I think I have the strength to tear Sheffield apart looking for the killer. Other times I struggle to find the drive to get out of bed in the morning.’

‘You’re grieving. It’s natural to feel like that. Look, Matilda, you’re not alone in this. I’m here with you. I’ll be here for as long as you want me. And back in Sheffield, you’ve got so many people rooting for you. Christian, Sian, Scott, Donal, Finn, the incredibly sexy Odell. They’re not just your colleagues, they’re your friends and they care for you. Do you honestly think they’re going to sit back and allow you to suffer like this? You say you don’t have the strength to tear Sheffield apart, but they do. That’s what they’re doing right now. They’re fighting for you.’

I stare out into the lake. I wish I was in the water, right in the middle, swimming, pushing hard against the tide, head in the water, blocking out everything around me.

‘How’s it going?’ I don’t want to know, but I do.

‘The investigation? I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to Sian for a couple of days.’

‘They haven’t caught him.’ It’s not a question.

‘Not that I’m aware of.’

‘They won’t, either.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because he’s gone to ground. He’s waiting until I get back, then he’ll start up again.’

Adele frowns as she looks at me. ‘Has he been in touch with you?’

‘He emailed me on the day of Mum’s funeral,’ I say, quietly. ‘That’s why I ran. I needed to put some space between me and the investigation. I need to sort myself out.’

‘Jesus Christ, Mat, why didn’t you call me?’

‘I couldn’t reach you.’

‘You could have left messages. I would have been on the first plane home.’

‘To be honest with you, Adele, I didn’t even know where I was half the time. When I walked into Mum’s house and found her and the boys, I just… I don’t know. I think my mind shut down. I have no memory of getting from her house to the hospital. I don’t remember going home. I don’t remember eating or sleeping or showering between then and the funeral. I seem to remember Sian being there a lot.’

‘Are you still getting messages from the killer?’

‘I don’t know. Why do you think I left my phone at the house?’

Adele digs into her pocket and pulls out my iPhone. She hands it to me, but I don’t take it from her. I want to hurl it into the lake. ‘I’ve charged it for you.’

‘I don’t think I want to know.’ As soon as I say those words, I hear Lynne Pemberton saying them not an hour ago. She said she didn’t want to know what had happened all those years ago, yet I believe she needs to discover the truth. I suppose I do, too.