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August:

It's been two months since Harlyn died and the chaos hasn’t stopped. Everyone was so sure with him out of the picture, everything would go back to normal.

Try again.

I fucking loath my existence. I jumped the gun. Literally. Shot the love of my life, dead.

I'll never know for sure if he was working against us or not, but I do know I'll regret taking his life for the rest of mine.

I see him everywhere I go. I feel his shy touches every time I close my eyes. I constantly place myself in scenarios where he still exists, and we love each other into the forever and beyond.

I had to protect my family. A vow I took when I was old enough to understand the sentiment. Protect them at all costs, even from myself. My mind was blank of everything but that promise when I pulled the trigger of a gun I can no longer look at but punish myself by keeping it.

I close my eyes now as I lay on the couch and pretend my brothers aren’t whispering about me just a few feet away. They don't know what to think about me anymore.

I don't either.

I see him behind my eyelids. Harlyn in all his goddamn beauty. Young, graceful, elegant, dangerous. Fucking magnificent. I fear I'll forget his pretty face as time passes. Forget the feel of his lips, and his tongue warring with mine for dominance only to give himself over to me a heartbeat later.

Heartbeat.

I shot him in the heart. I only just contain a whimper at the thought. Of all the places my baby could have withstood.

“What we need to do is pull his ass off the fucking couch and cut the bottles off.”

I hear one of them say. Rain perhaps?

Doesn't matter, I bring said bottle to my shaky lips and take a long pull, liquor trailing down my cheeks from the spill.

∞∞∞

September:

“Are you listening to me?”

“Huh?”

I ask Shaide because I wasn’t.

“Pillar is missing.”

He repeats through clinched teeth.

A wrack my scrambled brain and come up short. “Who?”

Shaide purses his lips on a deep breath. “The deaf child. The one that Harlyn would work with!” He snaps.

Oh yes... How could I have forgotten? Har worshiped him. His blackened soul still had room to house love for all children... Especially that one. I suppose it had something to do with his sister being deaf. He still never told me what happened to her.

I guess I'll never know.

∞∞∞

October:

“They did what?”

Rain asks.

We still don't know who they is.

Marcus. A little voice inside my head probes.

“Burned down our fucking warehouses!”

Res shouts.

“All of them?”

I ask, shocked.

“Every last fucking one of them!”

He screams again, throwing the glass he was nursing into the fireplace before his hands pull at his hair. I'm positive I'd be more sympathetic to his plight if I wasn’t still wallowing in my own misery. Thankfully his surprise fiancé Remi rounds the corner, resting a hand on his shoulder and hip. It seems to bring a touch of calm to Ressyn.

I should be happy for Ressyn, but honestly the sight makes me angry. How come he gets a happy ever after? A fucking do over? I can't imagine ever looking at someone the way I did Harlyn...

In a way I feel as if Ressyn took him from me before I ever pulled that trigger. A relationship that took months to build into the beauty that it was, was destroyed at the drop of Ressyns word.

Resentment. What an ugly little thing.

∞∞∞

November:

We all sit in the living room of our childhood home as we watch the latest on the news in Array City. Nobody complains when I take a swig from my drink anymore because they all have their own.

“Ressyn Hue has closed the doors to Shadows Night Club until further notice. He’s refused to comment on it but talk around the city has the people of Array connecting the dots. It's no secret that there are whispers claiming the Hue’s run a drug and weapon empire behind the scenes of their legitimate businesses.”

I scoff as the lady on TV continues. “Sources say someone is taking them down little by little. It's believed that the Hue’s will eventually be left with nothing, and they aren’t the only ones.”

“Turn that shit off.”

Our father barks. Kai fumbles with the remote, finally listening for once as he eyes our father with an emotion I’d rather cut out my eyes then place.

∞∞∞

December:

I miss him…

Staring at the fire in front of me I’m reminded of the way his body melted into mine with enough heat to make me burn. I watch on as my brothers try to find their smiles through this fucked up nightmare which only serves as a reminder for the unique smile I’ll never lay eyes on again.

His eyes, a pretty blue.

Him…

I groan, standing to stretch my limbs. The back door of my father’s house slides open, and he steps out a moment later, pausing when he sees me. His eyes search for something as he takes me in, and his lips pinch when he finds whatever he was looking for.

It’s strange, having his attention on me. Growing up we were coddled by nannie’s, never him. So when he takes a seat out on the deck and motions for me to do the same, I’m a bit skeptical if not mind blown by the action.

Watching him while I sit, I take in his stoic expression. Him and Har were the same in that way. Never knew what they were thinking. A closed vault barred by locks, wrapped in chains.

“It hurts doesn’t it? Knowing you can never have the person you desire.”

Jesus, way to rip the fucking cord. Nonetheless a hallow ache throbs inside of me at his words.

“What would you know of it?”

I’m not sure my father even loves us. It’s sad but it’s true.

If you don’t love your children how could you possibly love another?

“I know enough…”

He runs his tongue across his teeth, glancing away.

Curious…

Clearing his throat, he stands seemingly uncomfortable now. “Go grab some water and quit drinking. Your grandfather is on the way, and it’d be best he doesn’t see you like this.”

His hallowed eyes scan over me once more and he bites his lip. It’s the most emotion I think he’s ever shown around me or probably anyone. This whole interaction is throwing me for a loop. He opens his mouth to speak, but seals his lips soon after, striding back in the house without a second glance.

I look at my reflection in the sliding glass doors and I’m a fucking mess. Facial hair scattered, blowing with the wind. Clothes rumpled; shoulders slouched. Hair way overdue for a cut, it’s disgusting.

Climbing to my feet, I start for the bedroom I grew up in to rectify that. My family is in grave trouble, and I've been out of sorts for so long I don't even know what the back of my hands look like anymore. I briefly wonder why my father expects me to be presentable for my grandfather. He's one of the kindest men alive, I genuinely don't know how my father came about.

∞∞∞

January:

I wrote Harlyn a letter and burned it. Everything I wish I could have done and said, now lost somewhere in the wind because I have no idea where his body is to deliver it to him myself.

After I shot him, Marcus’s men took him. It’s probably for the best because I would have spent my every moment next to his grave poring my soul out instead of doing what needs to be done. Which is a lot.

Mr. Carter arranged a meeting with us and proposed once more to help us in taking out Marcus. He says the main problem they have had has been locating him. Now that his new compound has been located, the Carters are ready to act, and us even more so.

This is the perfect opportunity for distraction. I need to get out of my head and forget about Har for 10 minutes so I can have a little peace.

Shaide and I have been rounding our men and filling them in on the details that Carter gave us, which wasn’t much.

All I know is when he says it’s time, we’ll be ready.

The Way We Love