Page 28 of Wild Infatuation (Rebel Rockstars #3)

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Shawn

I TURN OFF MY phone. I don’t care if it’s Emmett or Seth or anyone else. I don’t want to hear from anyone right now. All I want is for everyone to leave me alone and those cars outside my apartment to go away.

They don’t, and I suspect the moment I turn my phone back on, I’ll be in for a deluge. The longer I leave it off, the worse it’s going to be, but I can’t bring myself to change course. I can’t face what I might have done to my entire band.

I turn my apartment into a fortress of solitude.

I spend my days idly picking at my guitar or reading or working out or doing absolutely anything to get my mind off this disaster.

All I had to do was pretend to be into Olivia a little longer, but I went and ruined it.

Then Terrance told someone, accidentally or intentionally, and now it’s all crashing down around me.

It was a matter of days, days , and we’d be through this.

Why did it have to happen now? Why did I have to jerk away in that photo of me and Olivia?

Why did Terrance tell his friend about us? If he’d just…

But every time my thoughts reach that point, even I can tell how unfair I’m being.

Terrance spoke in private to a close friend.

That’s a normal thing for most people. I’m the weird one here.

Part of me really wants to believe his story about someone overhearing him accidentally.

It does sound more plausible than him selling me out, if he’s even sort of the man I think he is, but I’ve been wrong in the past, so I can’t quite bring myself to believe the story.

My thoughts spiral like water around a drain for days. Then a knock sounds at the door, nearly shocking me into a heart attack.

I go still like a startled animal, staring at the door. I didn’t order any takeout, and it’s impossible for solicitors to get up here. The only people with access are people who know the code to get into the building.

The knock comes a second time, accompanied by a shout.

“Come on, man. Let me in.”

I jerk up off the sofa, where I was sitting with my guitar, picking at the strings with no real intention behind it.

“Levi?” I call.

“Yeah, can you let me in already?”

My stomach clenches like a fist. I expected my band to come looking for me at some point, but it really sucks that Levi’s the one to do it.

It’s his sister I was pretending to date, his sister I visibly rejected in those photos floating around.

If he takes a swing at me when I open the door, I can’t really blame him.

He doesn’t. When I crack the door open, he sighs with relief and holds up a bag.

“I’ve got food,” he says. “Not sure if you’re hungry.”

I’m not, but I let him in. He goes right to the kitchen and sets out containers of Thai food.

“I don’t know exactly what you like,” he says, “so I just got everything.”

It’s still weird that we can buy a whole buffet worth of food on a whim now.

Just a year ago, an expense like this might have meant we don’t make rent, but that’s not nearly the strangest thing about this visit.

Without a word, I get us plates and utensils, and we each scoop out heaps of fried rice and spring rolls.

We take our food to the living room, where my useless guitar still lies on the couch.

For a moment, we sit in my living room eating the world’s most awkward meal, neither of us speaking. I finally crack and set aside my plate so I can break the silence.

“You didn’t come here to feed me.”

“No,” Levi says with a sigh, setting aside his plate as well. “But I suck at this kind of thing.”

“Why not send Jacob then?”

“She’s my sister. I had to be the one to do it.”

I cringe. Yeah, I should have seen that coming. Again I brace as though he might punch me, and again Levi just sighs.

“I thought it would be okay because you guys have known each other forever,” Levi says, “but now I feel bad. I was the one who suggested her for this. I thought she’d have fun, you’d have fun, no pressure, everyone wins. I didn’t know.”

He shouldn’t be the one apologizing, but I can’t seem to unstick my tongue from the roof of my mouth.

“How are you doing?” he says. “Are you okay?”

“Me?” Pure shock jolts the word out of me.

“Yeah, you. You disappeared, man. Everyone’s worried.”

“They’re worried about me?”

“Shawn, we’re your bandmates. We’ve been friends for years. Of course we’re worried about you. Did you think we aren’t?”

“I guess I thought… They aren’t angry?”

Levi scrunches up his brows and tilts his head to one side. “Angry? For what?”

I wave a hand vaguely, struggling to encompass the shit show unfolding around me. “I messed it all up, the music video and stuff.”

“What?” Levi’s confusion deepens. “Shawn, the music video is going to be fine. The press is going insane. This isn’t the way any of us wanted this to happen, but Baptism Emperor is definitely on everyone’s mind.

We were trending the other day. I had to get Seth to arrange a diversion so I could make it over here.

This isn’t about the music video. It’s about you. ”

“But…” I shake my head. “I was supposed to… The pictures… This isn’t the plan.”

“You can say that again, but that doesn’t mean it’s not working.

It’s simply not the way any of us would have preferred to do this.

We wanted to be in control of it, especially Emmett, but it’s not like there isn’t plenty of buzz.

Seriously, the last thing you should be worried about is that music video.

They’re saying the single is going to sell even better than they predicted. ”

I didn’t ruin it. I didn’t ruin anything. Everything with the band is going fine. I’ve spent all this time hiding in shame, and I didn’t actually ruin anything.

“I thought…” I say.

“I know,” Levi says. “That’s why I came over here. I was afraid you were beating yourself up over this, but we’re fine, Shawn. Really. We just want to know that you’re fine. Is everything okay? Olivia’s been freaking out that she did something wrong.”

“No,” I say quickly. “No, she didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me. I’m the one who…”

My mind flashes to that picture where I’m pulling away from her.

“Yeah,” Levi says. “I saw the picture. But you know it’s fine, right? She never wanted to make you uncomfortable. We wouldn’t have done things this way if we knew, but you never told any of us, man. All these years and you never told us a thing.”

I hang my head, shame burning a hole through my chest. He’s right. I never told them about the past boyfriends. I never gave them a single hint about my sexuality. I hid, even from my closest friends, even though those friends did nothing to make me feel unsafe.

It was me. I was the problem. I couldn’t trust them, even though they’d given me every reason to confide in them.

I couldn’t bring myself to let down my guard even with the four men who shared their lives so openly and freely with me.

Levi himself had dated both men and women in front of all of us.

No one said a word, of course. No one cared.

Yet I kept my boyfriends secret, at least until it all blew up in my face with Terrance.

“I think I fucked up,” I say to my knees, head still hanging.

Levi doesn’t respond. He just sits there, offering me the space to sort out my thoughts and fill the silence whenever I’m ready.

My heart slams against my chest. I don’t open up to people.

I don’t tell people personal things. It’s never gone well for me.

My father ensured I’d always be afraid to trust people by belittling me for my entire life.

Even now, some voice in the back of my mind jeers, telling me Levi will reject my confession, will tell me it’s fake, will confirm my feelings are only a phase.

Pushing past that voice isn’t going to happen in a single day or a single conversation, but after the mess I’ve made, I can at least try.

I owe Levi and the rest of the band that much.

And it’s not only them I owe.

My chest aches as my mind flits to Terrance.

When he came here, I heaped all the blame squarely on his shoulders.

I knew I was being unfair, but I was so scared, so angry, so frantic that I couldn’t stop myself.

Even if he shouted about our relationship in the middle of downtown Seattle, this mess isn’t his fault.

I’m the one who decided to try to juggle a double life while not telling a single soul I was doing it.

I could have confided in my band, or maybe just in Levi, instead of floundering around on my own, but I was scared to let anyone in, including the people who’ve had my back since I was a teenager.

I wring my hands, finally dragging my eyes up to meet Levi’s. They’re bright blue, just like his sister’s, honest and open and patient, also like his sister’s. I owed both of them better than this, but I can’t undo the past. All I can do is try to make amends going forward.

For the first time in my life, I don’t feel like I can do that alone.

I take a deep breath. “I … I’ve been seeing someone. Since the music video. I thought I could keep it a secret, but the press found out somehow. They harassed him at work, and I thought he must have sold me out to a reporter, but he swears he didn’t.”

“Yeah, we know,” Levi says. “We talked to him. Shawn, I don’t think he did this. I think it was an accident. Seth has gone over everything, even talked to the guy’s friend. He thinks it was a mistake too. Terrance didn’t set out to hurt you.”

My throat closes up, and I nod to give myself time to compose myself.

“I believe that now, but I didn’t before,” I say. “And I think I might have screwed things up out of anger and fear.”

Levi’s hand lands on my thigh, giving me a quick pat. “You haven’t screwed anything up yet. From what I can tell, Terrance really cares about you. I’ll admit I was suspicious when I found out he’s a fan, but the way he talks about you, it’s like you hang the sun in the sky every morning.”

I grind my teeth, trying to pulverize the emotions welling up as Levi describes the Terrance I remember, the Terrance I know to be true. I never fully believed my own bullshit. The idea of Terrance intentionally setting out to fuck me over always rang hollow, but I lashed out anyway.

I take a breath, unclenching my teeth. I’ve screwed this up beyond belief, but selfishly enough, I’m not ready to give up hope. There’s still a chance, if I have the courage to open myself up and go for it. When I speak, I say words I never thought I’d utter in my entire life.

“I think I need your help.”