Page 9

CHAPTER 9

EDIN

I’ve learned a lot about myself over the last few years of therapy. Primarily, I’ve learned that I’ve progressively shut up all my emotions unless they’re concerning my daughter. I’m not sure if it was a protective measure or me systematically shutting down.

My therapist says I should work on letting people in. Not everyone is Lydia or our parents. Not everyone is going to hurt me or force me into a shitty situation I feel trapped in until I’m ready to kill myself. Case in point is Dak. I know that and I do let Dak in, though I suppose we don’t talk about feelings .

The thing is, I refuse to allow myself to end up in a situation like that again. Ever. With anyone. Not letting people close is definitely a protective measure now, even if maybe it hadn’t started that way. Moving through life without empathy keeps a natural distance between me and everyone else.

I’m not a robot. I have Mo who keeps me human. I will never show her an apathetic face. She deserves the world, and I have five years to make up for. The guilt that grows knowing I should have left years earlier keeps me striving to always do better by her.

But that’s it. Mo is my world. Dak is right up there. And Sparrow, of course. I’ll never forget the way he took in me and my daughter and cared for us as if we belonged to him without question or complaint.

But seriously. That’s it. I don’t ever want to be lost in a moment and fuck up. I never want to make a mistake so big that my entire life is forfeit again. I will never let someone close enough to compromise my judgment.

The thing is, I learned through Rumor that it’s far too easy to feel during sex. It’s like my guard is down and everything rips through me. Every stroke. Every kiss. Every hint of passion.

I’ve built a barrier around myself since those first few months. It became my salvation and what allowed me to move on to Confessions. There’s no way I could stand to be constantly torn open and tossed into a well of neglected emotions every single time I needed a payday.

It’s worked for me.

Right up until fucking Elijah walked into my life. I don’t know what he’s trying to do, but fuck, it’s not just my body that hurts. Everything in me hurts. The bubbling mass of past grief aches. The impression that the world is spinning crookedly makes me walk slowly or I’ll fall on my face. I can’t catch my breath.

I’d like to say it’s just sex with a guy that’s freaking me out, but really, that’s a joke. I don’t honestly care what gender is under me to get my payday. This is the quickest, easiest way to make sure I have enough money to take care of my daughter and can fit into my schedule without taking a ton of time away from her.

Besides, I know I can stop the scenes with Elijah any time I want. That’s what my contract says. I can say I don’t want to perform with someone again. It’s all within my control.

That’s probably part of what’s freaking me out, too. He’s taken all the carefully created control I’ve crafted over this past year and stripped me of it. He forces me to experience sex with him.

The thing is, I can’t keep myself separate from the moment when he forces me to be there with him. I mean, obviously, right? That’s exactly his goal. He pretty much said as much. I guess what I’m trying to mentally get at is that I can’t keep everything in its designated place once he’s made me vulnerable. It leaves me internally bleeding and shaking.

Then he wraps around me, holding me while I try to put all the pieces he dislodged back while trying not to fucking sob. I can feel myself trembling like a fucking addict. It’s so bad that I think the entire bed shakes.

But every time, Elijah holds me tightly. He runs his fingers through my hair, humming. He doesn’t say anything at all unless it’s to ask me if he hurt me. Which he didn’t. Not in the way he’s asking, anyway.

One of the most horrifying things I’ve realized is that I crave his touch after. I need to be held and for some reason, I need it to be him who holds me. I’m guessing it has to do with the fact he’s the one who broke me?

I never have to ask for it. Elijah just does it. And he doesn’t force me to talk about anything, either. He lets me go once I’m calm and push away from him. He’s also not there when I return from the shower, for which I’m always grateful. Avoiding awkward moments and all that.

With a sigh, I gingerly get to my feet and try not to scrunch my face. It’s time to go back, shoot three of three for the day. Somehow, I’m not entirely surprised to find Elijah in the room waiting for me.

“Really?” I ask. He was here for the first two. Hence the reason I’m moving a little slowly. My fucking ass aches.

He gives me a smile that looks almost… cute? Do I think it’s cute? Cheeky. Yeah, that’s the word.

However, the longer I stare at him, it fades. He begins to say something when the cameramen come in. Toby and someone else. I’ve probably met him, but I don’t remember. I only remember Toby because… well, I don’t know why. He’s a guiding light for some reason and I appreciate his presence. It’s a constant and I take comfort in that.

“Come here,” Elijah instructs and heads for the bathroom. For a second, my feet refuse to move. When he turns and meets my eyes, my feet unstick, and I follow him into the bathroom. He shuts the door and faces me. “Are you sore?”

“Yes,” I admit as his hand moves around me and gently grips my ass cheek. I close my eyes as his breath brushes against my neck. His touch is soft. For some horrifying reason, there’s a voice inside me saying I really need a hug right now.

Ugh.

“We’ll switch,” Elijah says, taking a step back. My eyes open to meet his. “I’ll bottom.”

“Really?” I ask again, unable to keep the skepticism out of my voice.

He smirks. “The only thing that’s changing is whose dick is going in whose ass, Edin.” His hand gently wraps around my throat, making my heart race. “Nothing else.”

I swallow. I’d love to find the strength to fight that, but at the same time… I kind of like letting it go. Which I’m not willing to admit to anyone. I’m barely willing to acknowledge it internally.

“Okay?” he asks as he reaches for the door handle.

I nod. “Yeah,” I agree. My ass is grateful for this break.

We step back into the room, shutting the bathroom door behind us.

“Let’s start with shirts off,” Toby suggests. “We already have two shoots with the same clothes so I think if we start moderately undressed, it’ll give the illusion that this is a different day.”

“The sun’s moved since the last shot. It is a different day. We just only own a single outfit,” Elijah says as he pulls his shirt over his head and kicks off his shoes at the same time.

Toby snorts.

I follow, stripping down to my underwear when Elijah does. Mine are black, which are generic enough that I doubt anyone would think that they’re the same ones as in the last couple shoots. In fact, I think that’s all I own, so there’s that.

Elijah’s are probably less likely to be convincing that they’re one of many. They’re like Speedos, bright pink, but with a cup for his dick in front. It reminds me of an elephant trunk the way you can see the shape of his dick kind of curl down in response to how the fabric holds him.

Shaking my head, I turn away. What the hell, Edin?

“Ready?” Toby asks.

I nod, taking a breath.

“Cameras rolling.” Pause. “Welcome back.”

Elijah looks at me with a satisfied grin. Now that I’m looking at him and that fucking smile, I wonder if he arranged this. Did he see my name for three shoots today and decide he was going to fuck me for all three? Does he have that power?

“This going to be another hot one?” Toby asks.

“Definitely. We have something new for you today,” Elijah answers. He reaches for me, pulling me against his body. His skin is fucking hot, burning me. My hands land on his biceps, which are also impressively hard. “Probably going to get right to the goods quickly, since I’m horny as fuck for Finn.”

I shiver and lick my dry lips. He doesn’t miss it. His eyes dart down and his smile climbs. Then his mouth is on mine.

I’m not sure I’ve kissed anyone so much in my entire life. Not even my ex-wife. But the way he devours me—I can’t lie even though I’d like to—fuck, it makes me weak. The shivers that race through me now differ from before his kisses.

My body jumps when his hand comes between us, and he strokes my cock through my underwear. Honestly, it’s pretty impressive he’s able to get me hard again. Maybe my dick is more willing because I know I’m the one fucking this time. Yeah, we’re going to go with that.

Elijah releases my mouth and gently shoves me onto the bed. I’m not expecting it, so I stumble backward and land on my back, bouncing slightly. I’m startled when laughter bursts out of me. He’s grinning as he follows me up the bed. He stops as I continue, his hands gripping the sides of my underwear. He slides them off, exposing my cock to the room.

The way he licks his lips sends gooseflesh over my body. There’s no faking the arousal in his eyes as he stares at my dick like he’s a starving man being offered a feast. His mouth almost immediately wraps around my dick, and I let myself fall backward.

Pleasure circles like a storm inside me and I squeeze my eyes closed, fisting the sheets on either side of me. This is the part where I need to check out. I need to disappear before he breaks open the dams.

But I know he’s not going to let me.

Elijah slurps on my cock for a short time, which I’m thankful for because fuck, I already can’t catch my breath. It’s a combination of how he sucks me and the well of shit that’s usually buried deeply climbing toward the surface.

He climbs over me, straddling my hips, and leans down to kiss me. I grimace because he just had my dick in his mouth. I can taste myself on him and yeah… that’s not really my thing. Something I think he knows and finds amusing since he’s smiling against my mouth.

When he sits back up, he brings a condom down to cover my dick. He wastes no time loading me with lube. I’m a little concerned that we’re going in raw when he settles over me and guides my dick up to his hole.

“Don’t you need—” I begin, but he’s already got my crown pressing inside him. I groan.

“Already taken care of,” Elijah says. “You’re pretty distracted when you’re having your dick sucked.”

He’s not wrong. While I’d love to have the presence of mind to respond, I can’t. Not when he’s bringing me inside his body.

This is probably the first time in years that I’m actually… totally present for this. Fuck, the way it feels. How good it feels.

His hands land on my chest as he slowly starts riding me. “That’s it, Finn. Such a fat fucking cock.” He lets his head fall back as he groans. He’s exaggerating. It’s not that fat.

Not that I point that out. I’m too busy trying not to moan like a dying man.

“Bring your hips up.”

I obey him, thrusting up as he comes down. The first time our bodies meet with a loud slap, moans follow. I grip his thighs, then his hips. His hands close over my wrists and for a while, all we do is fuck like this. Our bodies meeting in the middle.

Pleasure turns hot as it races through me. Heat trickles down my spine, gathering in my balls. Fuck. I’m going to come.

Maybe Elijah realizes because he gets off me. Then he gets off the bed, pulling me with him. I follow, stumbling as the world tilts. He leans over the bed and pulls me to his back.

I reach between us and line up my dick as he adjusts to the right angle. Face down, ass up. Hands planted on the bed. We groan together again as I sink inside his hot hole.

Holy fuck.

His hands come back and grip my hair as he pulls me flush to him. My mouth lands on his shoulder and the quiet pain from my scalp as he pulls my hair sends a rush of heat through me.

“Fuck me,” he orders.

I do. His sounds aren’t quiet. They fill my head and drive me on. I’m borderline drowning from everything that’s come up inside me. The heat. The intimacy shared. Emotions I hate and refuse to acknowledge make me choke.

I drive on, listening to what he tells me. How he wants me to fuck him. Squeezing my eyes shut so I don’t lose my shit and cry everywhere. Who cries during sex? What the fuck is wrong with me?

This feels so fucking good it’s driving me mad. The way he tugs my hair adds little delicious stings of pain trickling through my nerves. How he says my name. Okay, he’s saying Finn, but fuck if I don’t hear my actual name from his lips.

Don’t let him in. Don’t let him see.

Just sex. This is just sex.

I’m not prepared for when his ass chokes my dick when he orgasms. I lose my mind, my fingers digging into his skin as I come. I’ve already had two orgasms today, but fuck if anyone would know that with the way I react like I just made it through No Nut November and this is the first release of extra nut December.

We collapse on the bed. The angle at which I fall has my cock sliding out of him. Immediately, I curl in on myself as I try to fight away everything barreling down on me. The emotions trying to let themselves out. All the fear, frustration, horror, and misery I’ve felt for so long. The desperation, depression, and resignation. Resentment and hate.

Giving up.

I nearly come out of my skin when Elijah wraps around me. I’m not sure why this feels so much more potent than the first two times today, but a sob escapes before I can stop it. What’s wrong with me? Why is sex the gateway to me falling the fuck apart? Shouldn’t therapy do that?

His touch is gentle but secure. He holds me firmly against him while I shake and try to catch my breath. It takes a while for me to shove everything back into the dark corners I put them in. If I knew how to keep them there, or better yet, dispose of them permanently, I would.

Something weird takes its place, though. I feel… exposed now. Which, I guess, I’ve always been exposed to Elijah right after, but fuck, today it feels too intense. Like he sees too much. I’ve let him get far, far too close. He’s not allowed to see those parts of me.

I push him away as I roll onto my back. For just a second, I take a few breaths.

“Edin,” Elijah says, his voice soft.

I flinch and sit up. Yep, ass still stings.

“Come here, Edin,” he requests as he reaches for me.

Like a petulant child, I shoot to my feet and shake my head. Mistake. The world tilts and I stumble to the dresser to get my balance. “I have to pick up my daughter,” I lie. I don’t actually have to be there at any particular time. She’s with Dak and Sparrow.

Elijah doesn’t say anything, and I stumble my way into the bathroom, where I firmly shut the door behind me. The first thing I do is open the drawers until I find one of the packets of ibuprofen. I swallow the two tabs dry before stepping into the shower and turning on the water.

It’s icy. I don’t care as I lean against the wall and slide down the side until I’m crouched under the spray of water. There I stay until I stop feeling so shaky. Until my head stops pounding and the world stops spinning.

Until I stop feeling.

When I come out, the room has been cleaned. My clothes are on the corner of the bed, folded neatly, and the room is empty.

I dress, grab my phone and wallet from the drawer, then practically run to the door. Jasper hands me an envelope and I stuff it in my pocket. When I get out of the building, I break out into a run in the direction of Dak’s house.