Page 25

CHAPTER 25

EDIN

I glance behind me into the backseat where Mo’s sitting in her booster beside Zeke. Elijah’s driving. We’re heading to L.A. to watch their brother play. Mo hasn’t stopped talking since we got in the car. Her first choice had been Elijah, but since he’s driving, I convinced her she’s totally fine talking to his twin beside her.

Mo is usually quick to warm up to people as long as she doesn’t see them as someone who upsets me, apparently. I’m not sure exactly why she was hesitant with Zeke, but it only lasted a few minutes. And then she remembered Zeke is also a cheerleader, and they haven’t stopped talking since.

It’s only a two-hour drive north and my daughter has been talking for the last hour and a half. I’m having a hard time deciding whether she’s always this chatty or if it’s because she’s newly obsessed with cheer. Which reminds me, I should look into a cheer camp for her this summer. Or something to get her started in cheer, if that’s what she wants to do.

Elijah’s hand settles over mine, and I take a breath. I spend a lot of time trying not to overthink this. As my therapist reminds me, I enjoy his company. I’m spending time with him by choice. I’m not trapped.

She’s also pretty insistent it’s completely okay to feel. I’m not sure I agree with that. It was much easier and far less terrifying to go through life without emotion. I’d found peace taking care of my daughter and tending only to school and hockey.

For real though, I honestly hadn’t thought I had time for any kind of relationship outside of the ones I already had. Which were admittedly minimal. The frat guys to some degree—which were happenstance since I live there. Dak and Sparrow. But otherwise… no.

It’s crazy how I’ve mysteriously found time for another person. I’m not taking time away from anything either. Mo is still my first thought and biggest priority and my time with her hasn’t changed. I still attend my classes and study for said classes. I still dedicate a whole lot of time to hockey. I still go to ‘ work ’ so my bank account has money in it.

If I were neglecting any part of my life that I’d been giving more attention to in the past, it would be Dak and Sparrow. Which, admittedly, makes me feel a little guilty now that I think about it. If it weren’t for them…

I don’t let that thought continue. I know what would have happened to me if it weren’t for them.

“Your hip okay?” Elijah asks, his hand tightening around mine.

“Yep.” It’s not even a lie. Maybe it’s the way I’m sitting, or this seat is comfortable, but it’s barely aching right now.

“Another ten minutes and we’ll get to the hotel,” he says.

“I’m so excited for the hotel!” Mo exclaims from the backseat. “There’s a pool, right?”

“You spend a lot of time in the pool already,” I remind her. She’s a damn fish and spends every second possible in Dak’s pool.

“Yeah, but I love all pools. I have to try it out, Dad.”

I sigh. “We’ll see. We have plans and then we’ll see what kind of time we have left.”

We’re stopping at the hotel to drop off our bags and park the car. Then we’re shuttling over to the arena. I don’t get the impression they chose not to park at the arena because parking was expensive—though, for the record, it’s outrageous—but because of the hassle and traffic. Elijah said we’d be back at the hotel via shuttle before we would have even made it out of the parking garage.

Then their brother will meet us at the hotel, and we’ll have dinner with him. I’m still shocked that they’re related to the Owen Vincent and Jude Vincent. Owen was a legend for so many reasons. Not just for his game, but because he was an advocate for LGBTQIA+ equality in the sport throughout his career. He paved the way for so many kids to follow their dreams, no matter what obstacles are in their paths.

Jude, though still early in his career, is showing a lot of promise to be just as great as his father. It’s not often that happens. Many times, the next generation will make it to the ECHL or AHL, but rarely to the NHL. Don’t get me wrong; pro hockey is pro hockey.

But I’ve often wondered what kind of pressure that puts on their kids to not make it. Growing up, Dak and I often had this conversation. He had triple the pressure growing up since he doesn’t just have a single parent who made a name for himself in the NHL, but three. Three NHL fathers who were not only amazing individually, but together, they were known as the Buffalo trio.

Dak always said he didn’t really care. He played while it was fun and then quit when he decided he didn’t want to be a hockey player. He’s always claimed it had nothing to do with his fathers or the pressure he was already feeling at eleven years old to fill their skates. I can’t help but wonder if in his secret heart, that’s not the full truth, though.

I sometimes wonder how I’d have felt if my father had been a great hockey player. Would that have changed my love of the sport?

“Woah,” Mo says, her voice pulling me from my thoughts. “Is that our hotel?”

“Sure is,” Elijah tells her, and I stare out of our window warily. When I said something about how much our room is, Elijah blew it off, claiming that Jude pays for the rooms. “He has money to spare, and we let him spoil us when he wants to.”

I’m not sure whether that’s true.

“That’s amazing. I’ve never seen a hotel like this before,” Mo says.

I glance back to find her leaning into the window to stare out with wide eyes and her mouth open as she takes in the glass and stone monstrosity. It makes my chest clench. I need to do better about giving her experiences and not just providing for her. She deserves special memories of adventures like this.

“Jude says he already checked us in. We just have to stop and get our keys. He’s staying across the hall from us,” Zeke tells us.

“Are we sharing a room—all four of us together?” Mo asks, excited.

Zeke laughs. “No. But we have a connecting door.” He looks up and meets my eyes. “I’m not going to say the reason we have a connecting door. Our brother can be a little crude.”

My cheeks heat and I turn to face the front again, but I can see Elijah smirking out of the corner of my eye. His hand squeezes mine and lets it go so he can concentrate on navigating the busy streets to get to the driveway.

Mo is even more amazed when we pull into the valet, and someone takes our luggage from us as another employee parks the car. I have a feeling my daughter would thrive in a life where she’s spoiled rotten.

With Mo’s constant amazement, I’m distracted from seeing how many dollar signs this place costs. The fountain in the lobby, the shiny stone floors that she can see her reflection in. The fact our luggage made it to our room before we did.

She claims one of the beds as her own and drops back onto it, arms spread wide. “I’m going to have a bed like this someday,” she exclaims, closing her eyes.

I look at Elijah. He’s trying not to grin too widely.

The rooms are definitely far more luxurious than necessary. Two double rooms with a connecting door. There’s a seating area in each and the bathrooms are as big as some hotel rooms I’ve been in. Why would you ever need a room that big?

My eyes drift to the bed and I get this errant image of two couples sharing the bathroom together. Maybe hands all over the place as they share more than just the room.

I shake my head. What the hell? Where did that come from? But as I glance at the bathroom, it truly is the only reason I can think of as to why a hotel room needs a bathroom that size.

“Come on, MoMo,” Zeke says, tugging on Mo’s shoe on his way by. I’m not sure when he started calling her that. I’ve only ever heard Dak use that nickname. “Time to get going. You can sleep on the bed later.”

“This will be the first time ever that I’m excited to go to bed,” she says as she jumps up and lands on her feet. She chases after Zeke, who’s out the door.

“She always has so much energy,” Elijah notes as we follow more slowly behind.

“Tell me about it,” I say. “I’d really like to syphon some of it from her and keep it for myself.”

He chuckles.

We only stayed long enough for the twins to put on their #94 Vincent jerseys and for my daughter to drool over a bed. First time for everything, I suppose.

Mo remains just as awed by the shuttle and the arena and the open escalators, where she can look down at the thousands of people while we ride them up. Her excitement makes me sad I haven’t been able to give her days like this before. Even this one isn’t from me. The reality of knowing I can’t afford the kinds of experiences I’d like to give her makes my chest ache.

We’re led to the second floor and a door that leads us into one of the private boxes. I level Elijah with a glare, but he raises his hands, laughing. “I swear, this is my brother. We didn’t buy the tickets.”

“Wow!” Mo exclaims with wide eyes as we walk in. There’s a bar top filled with food at the back, a door to a private restroom, and televisions on the walls for a closer look at what’s happening on the ice. Then there’s a row of eight leather recliners in the front and a row of high stools behind a tall table behind the recliners overlooking the rink. “This is so cool.”

“Look at this,” Zeke says. Mo turns, and he tosses something at her. It hits Mo in the face, and she stills as the fabric drapes over her before bursting into laughter. “Seems baby brother is bribing you to be his fan, Mo.”

Mo pulls the garment from her head and holds it out to reveal a jersey just like the ones the twins are wearing. She looks at me with stars in her eyes and the biggest damn smile. “Put it on,” I encourage.

I watch her as she pulls it over her head. Elijah stands beside me and offers me the same jersey. “He’s bribing you, too,” he teases, pressing his lips to my cheek.

It’s probably the sweet gestures he does so naturally that make my heart race the most. They’re the things that leave me feeling… well, feelings.

“Put it on, Dad,” Mo says as she looks at her reflection in the glass panel at the side.

These damn things cost like $250. Sighing, I pull it over my head. “Gotta level with you,” I say, turning to Elijah as he fishes out my hood from under the jersey. “His bribes are spot-on.”

He laughs. “It’s funny. Jude’s the youngest of four and he’s always the one doing the most spoiling of the rest of us. I swear, it’s what he lives for. If our dads weren’t paying our tuition, I know he’d be. That’s just the kind of brother he is.”

“That’s the kind of family everyone deserves,” I say, and turn to watch Mo and Zeke together. The pre-show is starting. There’s a light show, loud music, and an even louder announcer. “Not the spoiling or paying for tuition, but… the support. The desire to take care of your family. You know?”

Elijah nods. I let him take my hand and for a moment, we remain where we’re standing as we watch Mo screaming her excitement beside Zeke. Then he pulls me further into the back of the box and wraps his arms around me, bringing me into his embrace.

He gives the best hugs. I remember not long ago cuddling with Dak and how, for just a moment, I let myself muse over the parts of his relationship with Sparrow that I loved. The natural comfort, unquestionable support, their sacrifices for each other that they’re happy to make. The way curling up with Dak and Sparrow settles all the unease inside me, allowing me to feel good and safe.

To have such absolute trust in someone; in how they feel for you, knowing they’ll be there for you, and that they have your best interest in mind all the time. That you’re their topmost priority. It’s peace and warmth and…

Elijah.

I chew my lip as these thoughts swirl in my head. Absently, I watch the game beyond Mo and watch her cheer and scream at the players on the ice. It’s a blur. Something happening in the distance, all muted beyond Elijah’s embrace.

I never wanted this. All I wanted was to get through life and give my daughter the peace and security she deserved. I wanted to erase the sound of her mother screaming at her for no fucking reason. I wanted to make something of myself.

I didn’t want someone in my life. I didn’t want to share my daughter, look forward to someone’s presence, or want to be with someone.

Turning my face into Elijah’s neck, I take a deep breath, inhaling the smell of his skin. My arms tighten and his do the same in response. Maybe the scariest thing that’s happened in my life wasn’t learning I was having a child at fifteen years old. It was not knowing when I fell into such a deep pit where I was convinced the only escape was to end my life. It’s also not putting myself at the mercy of someone else, hoping they’ll help me when me and my daughter couldn’t help ourselves.

Maybe this is the scariest thing of all. Trusting someone with all those pieces. With my heart and my happiness and my feelings. Trusting that they feel the same way about me as I’m fighting desperately hard not to feel. Trusting them with my vulnerability, insecurity, and fear.

Maybe the scariest thing that can ever happen to a person is falling in love.

“Come on, ref, are you blind?” Mo screams. Elijah and I turn our attention to her. She’s on her feet, her hands gripping the bar in front of her as she shouts down at the ice. “That was lame and you know it!”

Zeke looks back at me with his eyebrows raised. I laugh and rest my head on Elijah’s shoulder.