Page 35

35

EMMETT

W e’re over halfway through November, it snowed for the first time this year, and I’m out back feeding a fucking opossum when Heidi walks into the house whistling. I watch her from through the window as she looks around, not yet spotting me.

She pulls her flannel tighter, obstructing my view of the naked patch of skin between her shirt and the jeans sitting low on her hips.

There’s a sparkle in her eye that hasn’t been there in a hot minute, and I can feel my eye twitch.

My issues aren’t her fucking responsibility, and I don’t want to put her through the wringer because I can’t figure out what the hell I want.

But I never thought I’d feel this way knowing that she was open to dating other men.

Leaving the plate beside the opossum house, I walk back into the house to find her in the kitchen. Leaning against the counter, I watch her for a second as she sticks dishes into the dishwasher.

“What have you been up to?” I ask, and when she jumps, I realize she’s had headphones in. “Sorry,” I smirk.

She studies me, her face stoic. For the first time in awhile, I can’t seem to read her. “Not much, you?” she says flatly.

My jaw ticks. “Not much. Do anything fun lately?”

Heidi goes back to washing dishes, and I watch as her eyes narrow. “Nothing that I can think of that would concern you, Emmett. Still going on runs that you won’t join me on for one reason or another. Still watching your daughter and still being avoided by you.”

I feel like fire was poured on me, with every inch of my skin burning as my ears heat up.

“That’s—”

She shakes her head. “I’m not playing this game with you, Emmett. I adore your daughter and I’m thankful for you giving me a job, but you’re my boss now. We’re not friends. You don’t get to take an interest in my life whenever you want but ignore me and make me feel small the next.” She sets the pot down roughly, her full body turned to me, her finger pointed right at my chest.

“I don’t expect?—”

Her eyes turn sad in an instant. “Emmett,” she nearly pleads.

Her shoulders slump, and I watch as she lets out a breath, her fingers reaching up to touch the small purple stone at her neck.

I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to make her feel small. That was never the intention.

Without a word, I turn and head into the garage, wanting nothing more than to blast some music and not think about anything at all.

I get about an hour of peace before someone knocks down the door in fiery glory.

Heidi looks pissed, her green eyes narrowed at me, her hair wild. She walks down the steps into the garage quickly, her flannel blowing in her wake.

“I need to know why you’re being like this,” she tells me. I stand from the car, grabbing my rag. The black from the engine won’t completely come off, but they’re clean enough.

“What are you talking about?”

“Whatever this is between us.”

Something snaps inside of me watching a tear roll down her face. Replaying how her voice just shook.

All the anger and the agony comes rushing back to me, and I’m suddenly standing in front of her, gently pushing her against the car. She looks up at me, her face a mask of defiance, her fists at her sides balled up.

“I don’t know what I want.” It comes out like a tortured plea.

She scoffs, looking away from me, and I grab her chin so she’s looking me right in the eyes. “I fucking want you, Heidi. More than I care to admit. But I cannot have one more person to lose.”

She gulps, her eyes searching mine. Her tongue peeks out to lick across her bottom lip before she whispers, “So you’re going to live your whole life without letting anyone else in? That’s a really lonely life to live, Emmett.”

I nod. “It’s one I’m prepared for.”

Heidi’s hair falls over her shoulder as she shakes her head. “No, I don’t think you are. Because I can tell that you want to be loved. I can tell that there’s something in that heart of yours. That man I talked to out on that sand that night was completely different than this.”

“That man doesn’t usually exist.”

“But he can. He does.”

I take in a deep breath, the smell of berries hitting my hitting my nose. “I don’t want to hurt anyone. No one should have to deal with me.”’

“I’m already dealing with you. I’m here.”

“And look how angry you are.”

“Emmett.”

“Heidi.”

We’re at a standstill, and I don’t know who will be the first to break. I don’t want to say anything else. I don’t want to make things worse. I know that I have a lot of faults, and I try not to let them hurt other people.

But my desire to have someone next to me, someone who knows even a fraction of my pain, has reared its ugly head, and its only hurting her.

“Please,” she whimpers, her voice so soft and desperate that it hits me like an anvil to the chest.

“Baby,” I whisper, not realizing what I said until it’s too late.

Wide, green eyes stare back at me, and in an instant they’re narrowed, fresh, angry tears rolling down her face.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” she hisses, pushing my chest.

I grab her arm, but she yanks it away from me, retreating into the house without a word.

“Is Heidi coming today?”

Leo is getting help putting his jersey on over his pads as I lace up my cleats.

“No clue.” I don’t mean for it to come out so aggressively.

Today is an important game. We’ve been away for the last few weeks, and we’re excited to be playing a Sunday night game at home.

Leo’s brows furrow as the corners of hips lips tip down. “Uhh okay.”

I sigh, replaying our argument in my mind once again.

It’s all I thought about the other night. It’s all I’ve thought about all day.

I shouldn’t have let her leave. I should have told her that I want this, because I do.

I should have asked her if I could kiss her.

I should have done everything so much fucking differently.

“I don’t know what to do,” I tell him, leaning back into my locker.

His jaw sets and he looks around the room. “I think you do,” he says quietly. “Trust me, man. I know what this back and forth feels like. But you let me in, right?” He holds my eyes, nodding slightly. “You let me in, and you’ve been my best friend since. I love you, man. But I can’t be the only person who’s there for you. Let her in.”

“What if I start pushing her away again?”

“Go get some therapy,” he says, and I roll my eyes. “Some more therapy. For real this time. Take it from me. It helps, but you have to keep at it.”

I consider this. I’ve been to therapy. I went for a long time, actually. But in the end I didn’t do any of the work to really do better. I felt better after, sure. But in the long run it didn’t do shit.

“Hey,” Leo snaps me out of my daze. “You want her. She likes you. Either do you both a favor and cut her loose or choose you. Choose her. Make the decision to be happy.”

I want that for myself.

I stopped going to therapy a couple of years ago when my therapist really grilled me as to why I didn’t want to date. She wondered if I didn’t want to because I was worried about what McKenna would think. If I thought that no one would compare to her.

I was angry at first, and upon leaving didn’t schedule my next session, which gave me the excuse to just stop going. But it was more than that.

Of course I didn’t think she would hate it. I think she would want me to continue on. She would want me to find happiness in life. That’s what she always did. Everything was always about what would make me happy.

But what made me happy was her.

Back then, if I thought about it too long, I do think that may have been the answer. That I didn’t want to replace her.

But years later, I know that there is no replacing her.

I’m still thinking about it as we gather in the tunnel, ready to run out onto the lit up field, the roar of the crowd echoing off the walls around us.

And as we head out and I look around at all the people surrounding me on all sides, I remember that night I put away all of her photos, sticking them in the family room where she could be with everyone.

No one is ever going to replace her. That much is clear. That time I spent with her, the daughter she birthed, will always be precious.

But even in marriage there are phases. Eras of sorts. When one closes, another begins.

They start to feel like lifetimes.

It’s been years since the night she passed away. Since I helped her parents bury her. Since her mom sat me down and told me that they would be there for me through anything.

Since then, everything has changed.

Leo comes up to me, slapping me on the chest as the crowd roars.

It’s time to start living this one.