Page 23

23

EMMETT

“ I feel like we haven’t gone out at all,” Cooper says as he leans against my locker, a longing glint in his eye.

“You went out just the other day,” I reply with an eyeroll. Cooper goes out all the time.

“I’m talking about you and me, dumbass.”

I sigh, shoving all of my things into my duffle bag. “Maybe next week, Coop.”

The last week has been intense and all I want to do is go home and sleep.

“How about tomorrow after the game?”

I want to say yes. Those are the best times to go out. Everyone is excited, the vibes are great, and we get a ton of free drinks. We’re just playing about an hour south in Washington, so I’ll be back before the crowds even hit.

But then I remember that I already have a commitment.

Wincing, I shake my head. “I’m sorry Coop, I have something going on tomorrow.”

“Then cancel it?” he says with a sly smile.

“I can’t cancel this one.” I promised her I’d go. I don’t break promises, no matter how much I may want to.

“Fine. But I’m getting you soon, got it? Plus, we were going to try to find you a date, remember?”

Panic surges through me as it always does at this suggestion. The guys are worried for me, I know they are. But I’ve had to make up girls in the past to get them off of my back.

I’m not interested in dating. I don’t feel like wasting both of our time when I’m clearly not ready for any kind of relationship. I don’t really know if I’ll ever be. I think when I’m further in life, retired from football, and thinking about what else can make my life better, maybe I’d consider it. But right now I have plenty to fill my cup.

I don’t allow myself to think of the other reason I don’t feel like finding a date is a good idea.

“Maybe,” I say simply as I throw my bag over my shoulder. Grabbing the rest of my things, I make my way out to the car, and when I’m safely inside with the door shut, I allow myself to breathe for the first time in hours.

When I’m finally home, the first thing that I notice is that all the windows look open.

Odd, I think, but there’s probably a reason.

The other thing is that there’s a weird tinge of, well, I’m not actually sure, that I smell the second I walk into the house. Maybe it was just something from the garage that for whatever reason I haven’t picked up on until now, maybe it’s something that should be a way bigger issue than it is.

But as the weight of exhaustion takes over my body, I head to my bedroom without a word for a nap.

The first thing I smell when I wake up Sunday morning is chocolate.

My muscles are sore, I’m groggy and just a little grumpy as I swing my legs out of bed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Tugging on a pair of sweatpants and a simple t-shirt, I make my way barefoot into the kitchen.

“What is this?” I ask, coming to a halt.

Heidi pauses, chocolate-covered knife in hand as the girls both look up from their plates, their eyes wide and surprised.

“Cake,” she shrugs.

“It’s Sunday morning,” I look around at the cocoa-covered kitchen, handprints smeared across the counter.

“It’s Sunday morning cake time. A tradition.” She puts the knife down, crossing her arms over her chest.

“A tradition?”

“My family would always make cake every Sunday and have a piece for breakfast. It made Sundays a little more tolerable growing up.”

Juniper burps from the chair to the right of her, Elara slapping her on the back with a mouthful of dessert. “I think we need to make this a tradition too, Dad,” she says sweetly, grabbing her glass of milk.

I open my mouth to respond but whatever I meant to say is caught in my throat as Heidi beams at my daughter, a smile spreading across her whole face.

Instead, I turn on my heel and retreat into the garage. This is a problem for another day, and I don’t have it in me to acknowledge how that smile threw gasoline on the fire raging in my heart. Not today.

We’re down seven and the Washington players have been talking shit all game. The veteran quarterback is known for his quick thinking, but he’s not known for his mobility, which is to our advantage.

The Cobras are known for a lot of things. A great quarterback that’s able to barrel through almost any situation. A couple of receivers that get better every year. Cooper is even starting to be mentioned in conversation about great tight ends in the league this year.

But one of the biggest reasons is for our defense.

A great defense makes the quarterback’s job easier. We stop the offense, and Leo doesn’t have to work so hard to score as many points.

But even great teams have tough games, and this is one of them.

I stare at the quarterback as the ball is snapped before rushing the quarterback, Colby dropping back to cover. He steps back, football in hand as he loses sight of his target, and the second he sees me, it’s too late.

Zone blitzes are one of my favorite plays, and it helps that I’m good at them. The rush I feel coming around to tackle the quarterback is otherworldly, the screams of the crowd like a drug.

I’m not a small guy. At 240 pounds, I’m about the average weight for a linebacker. I have to be quick, yet big enough to go head-to-head with an offensive line.

Let’s just say I feel bad for the little quarterbacks who end up with my body on top of theirs.

It’s fourth down, and one of our corners brings their running back down right before the line to gain, allowing us to run off the field as the offense comes on. Leo runs by me as I make my way to the sidelines, smacking my ass as he goes.

Leo manages to escape one of their defensive linemen before discarding the ball into the sidelines, and on the next snap, he sends it spiraling down the middle where Cooper cuts over to grab it, completing the pass and nearly tripping into the end zone for a touchdown.

The rest of the game goes by fairly quickly. The screams of the crowd, the rush of adrenaline, the heat beating down on us, is all enough to make the minutes pass faster and faster.

In the end we win it by a field goal attempt. Not our best work, but a win is a win. We can work on our issues on Wednesday.

After the game I meet up with the girls, pleased to find Heidi waiting for me this time. She wasn’t sure if she would make it with Briar and Isla, since it’s an away game. Close to home, but still an hour drive. “How did you like the game?” I ask her, running my hand through my wet hair.

“It was good,” she smiles slightly, but it falters as she looks down at her tennis shoes.

I’m not so sure I believe her, but finding out the reason can wait for later.

“Are we still on for later?” I ask. The boys and I have a bus to catch back home and I’m not sure what the girls were planning on doing.

“Yeah. We’re leaving in a few and just going right home.”

“I’ll meet you at my place then, alright?” She nods shyly, still looking down as she tucks her hair behind her ear. “Hey,” I say.

She looks up, the shy look on her face melting the second she does. Her lips part, a slight crease forming between her eyes. “Yeah?”

“You look good today.”

I’m not sure what I was thinking when I said it. I must not have been. Because Heidi’s face immediately turns beat red, and I think mine does too, judging by how hot my ears feel.

Instead of stewing in what I just said, I look around, finding Leo and deciding he’s a perfect cop out. “I gotta go, but I’ll see you later.” I turn around without another glance, my pace quick as I catch up to Leo.

“You guys look cozy,” he says under his breath.

“Shut up or I’ll ball-tap you so hard you’ll feel it for a week,” I whisper back.

Leo chuckles. “That response is all I need to know.”

I’m not quite sure what I expected a sound bath to be, but a room with bowls is not it.

“What’s about to happen?” I whisper to Heidi as other people filter into the small space, yoga mats in hand.

We’re spread out, and Heidi was nice enough to pack me not only my own yoga mat, but a pillow and blanket too. For a second I really thought she had tricked me into going to a yoga class, but somehow I think this may be worse.

I look around, trying to understand what I’m in for. The event is hosted in a crystal shop just outside the city, the walls stacked with some of the most beautiful crystals I’ve ever seen, which isn’t necessarily a shock. It’s not that I have anything against them, they’re just not something I’m around often.

Heidi rolls her eyes at me as she crosses her legs, her hands placed neatly on her knees.

In front of us sits a variety of metal bowls in a curve, and in the middle sits an older woman with long gray hair.

“It’s a sound bath. What are you expecting to happen?”

“I don’t know Heidi, I’ve never been to one of these.”

It’s quiet as everyone else takes their places in the room, and once the woman up front seems satisfied that everyone is here, she claps her hands.

“Thank you all so much for being here,” she starts. She continues to explain her credentials—she’s a sound therapist, and I make a mental note to ask Heidi what that is—and what we’re about to experience—a meditative experience where we will lay down and be bathed in sound waves of different frequencies.

It’s when she starts mentioning that we need to drink lots of water when we leave that I start to get worried.

“You’re going to be fine,” Heidi whispers when my head whips in her direction, my eyes wide. “Lay down, weirdo.”

“I’m not weird,” I hiss back, but I do as I’m told.

Going into this, I thought whatever happened, I would probably be uncomfortable throughout the whole thing. Maybe I would fall asleep. Maybe I’d snore. Maybe I would stare at the ceiling, eyes open wide the entire time.

Instead, I felt at ease. Calm.

The woman started with a quiet sound. I’m not sure what the terms are, but as I’m laying on the ground, my eyes shut tight, I feel myself starting to relax.

By what must be twenty minutes in, I’m in complete bliss. I only feel Heidi’s hand touch mine once as I let out a single snore, which was enough for me to scare myself awake.

But her pinky never retreats. Instead, I feel her digit tighten around mine, and when I look over at her, her hair splayed around her pillow, her eyes peaceful, lips parted just slightly, I think back to that sunset on the beach.

But meditating is easier than thinking about my feelings, and I close my eyes once more, deciding to mind my own business, and I slip back into my own thoughts.

At first everything feels really straight forward. The floor vibrates underneath me as the woman plays the singing bowls, as Heidi called them. But when she starts walking around the room, playing them directly on top of me, everything starts to change.

My mind runs with all of my happiest memories. My first date with McKenna. That first dinner in our apartment after graduation, on the floor because we had just enough money to buy a couple burritos from the local fast food chain. Our wedding. Having Juniper.

Our nights watching the sunset and thinking of what could be.

But then things start to shift. I don’t think about the night I lost her, or the funeral that followed. But all I feel is emptiness. The loneliness that came with it. Through it.

After it.

The loneliness grips me like a vice, and I suddenly feel like I’m soaring thousands of feet in the air without a parachute, free falling into the murky depths before a deep, undeniable melancholy crashes into me at full-force, knocking me backwards.

I’m numb, and yet all of the emotions that I’ve been trying so hard to shove down come spilling out of me as I sit there on that beach, overlooking that last sunset.

That last sunset.

Something within me set with the sun that night, and I’ve been running from it ever since. I just don’t know exactly what it is.

“When you’re ready, you can start to sit up and stretch,” a woman’s voice calls, but she feels far away.

It’s not until I feel my pinky squeezed that I remember where I am and what we were doing.

Opening my eyes, I become acutely aware of the moisture dripping down my cheek, pooling at my ear, and when I turn my head to look at Heidi, I’m met with her bright green eyes, filled to the brim with tears threatening to spill over.

She nods once, grabbing my hand and squeezing it, and I know that everything will be okay.