Page 28

28

HEIDI

I was mostly bluffing, and I can’t tell if he knew or not.

I’m in the car heading home, feeling like I just ran a marathon because my heart is beating so fast.

Emmett deserves the world. And sure, I’ve wished that he would open up to me more since that night on the beach. But I know that the man comes with baggage.

It’s nothing I can’t handle, as someone with my own.

I know what it feels like to lose someone. To feel like you lost a piece of yourself in the process. Like there’s never going to be anything to fill the void.

If there’s someone else who knows even a fraction of what he feels, it’s me.

Sucking down half of my water bottle like my life depends on it, I call Mila from the highway, dodging around all the shitty drivers.

“You okay?” she answers.

“I’m an idiot,” I spit out.

There’s silence. “What did you tell him?”

“You should have seen me,” I look behind me and merge over a lane. “I feel like I was a completely different person.”

“You’re not telling me what you said yet,” Mila says, always straight to the point.

I think about it for a second. “You know, I don’t even really remember what I said.”

Silence. “You’re kidding me, right?”

“Nope. No idea. It was an out of body experience.”

Mila sighs. “I assume you want me to assemble the girls.”

“That would be lovely.”

“If he had his hands around you in any way, he wants you,” Isla nods, taking a sip of her martini.

Briar nods beside her. “Sweetie, why don’t you go play in your room?” she tells Elara, who’s sitting at the coffee table pretending to do a puzzle but is very much tuned in. Leo was off doing some press for the team tonight, and she didn’t have anywhere to take her.

“The boy has issues,” Briar sits back on her couch. “But it’s because he has a big heart that he has them. He barely lets anyone in, trust me, I know that. But once you’re in, you’re in.”

Mila starts shaking her drink in the kitchen. She had called an emergency meeting and considering our place was completely covered in, well, anything and everything, we decided it would be easier to go to Briar’s.

The TV plays a random romcom in front of us while Champ, their dog, sleeps peacefully in the corner of the room.

Elara rolls her eyes. “I know you’re talking about Uncle Emmett, mom.”

“That’s exactly why you should go find something to do in your room,” Briar tells her, reaching over to run her fingers through her daughter’s hair.

“But—”

“Uncle Emmett deserves some privacy, don’t you think? Let’s get you set up in your room,” Briar says finally.

One of the first things Briar asked when I got here before everyone else was how Juniper was doing, since both the girls have been acting up lately. Briar doesn’t know if it’s because of their age or if something else had been happening in school, but she and Emmett had been talking about it and trying to get to the bottom of it all.

Although I’ve absolutely seen Juniper misbehave, I haven’t heard much about how she’s been at school other than what Emmett had told me when he first hired me.

“I feel like you need to just, I don’t know, really show him exactly what he’s missing. Why he needs you in his life.”

I consider this. On one hand, it’s always nice to be chased. To have someone who knows that they want you so badly that they’ll do anything to make it happen. On the other hand, Emmett and I have a special connection because of life experiences, and I understand his pain.

I understand what he could lose.

“How would I even go about doing that?” I ask more to myself than anything.

“You blitz him,” Isla says, her face stony.

“I what?”

“You blitz him. If there’s one thing that boy knows more than anything it’s football.”

I look around at the three women curled up on the couch, all looking at me like I should know exactly what they’re suggesting. “What?” My voice somehow comes out an octave higher.

Briar bites her lip. “I think she’s right. A blitz is a defensive move where there’s a lot of defensive players rushing the other team’s quarterback. So I mean,” she pauses, shrugging while taking a sip of her drink. “Emmett’s your quarterback. Blitz him.”

I open my mouth, but no words seem to come out. My brain feels like it’s buzzing in my skull.

Mila smiles. “I mean, they have a point Heidi. Just be around him all the time. Take out your tits. You have amazing ones. Do the bend-and-snap in front of him. I don’t know. Just make sure that he can’t stop thinking about you.”

Briar and Isla nod enthusiastically, and Briar adds, “Exactly. I mean the whole point of the tactic is to force the quarterback to make a mistake. Well,” there’s a pause, “Or they get sacked. So, I mean, as long as everything is consensual, you guys will win either way.”

I have to fight back the smile. “I guess I’m just worried that he’s going to hate that. Or that I’ll look desperate.”

Briar sits her glass down on the table beside her and pulls the blanket draped over her lap up to her chin. “Listen. All I’m saying is that the guy needs someone to love him. He needs to let loose. He deserves you. You deserve him, and I think that he knows that too. He’s just a little scared.”

Biting my cheek, I close my eyes.

I do want him. I want him bad. But I’m not as confident as I somehow pretended to be back at his place tonight.

I’m nervous. I never know if I’m good enough. I still don’t even know if he really likes me. I feel like until I hear it from his own lips, I’m never going to know.

But there’s something about Emmett Gardner that just makes me want to be all of that. Confident, happy, successful.

It’s like all of my doubts in my head are silenced when he’s around. It’s not that I think I need a man to make me confident, or that he’ll complete me. None of that bullshit.

But as someone who lived much of my life with a hole in my heart that belonged to a man who was supposed to be proud of me, hearing, well, anyone say it helps.

And it really helps when it’s someone I value a lot.

And I value a hell of a lot about Emmett.

I’m knocked out of my thoughts by a bang on the door, and Mila jumps off the couch to answer it.

“Who the fuck allowed that absolute idiot onto the team? Why couldn’t they have just done us all a favor and traded him last year?” Amara’s voice immediately booms from the entrance.

“What did Cooper do now?” Isla calls.

Amara appears around the wall, tossing her light coat on top of the coat rack. She rolls her eyes. “What didn’t he do? Why is he even talking to me?”

Briar’s eyes meet mine, questions swirling in them. I shrug.

There’s been some weird thing between Amara and Cooper for a long time, and none of us really know exactly what it stems from. Amara will only tell us what stupid shit he says now, but won’t fill us in on why she hates him so much to begin with.

“Well, come sit. We have drinks and we’re teaching Heidi how to blitz Emmett.”

Amara makes a face. “What does that even mean?”

“I’m supposed to just overwhelm him apparently,” I fill her in.

“Ah. I mean, you have great tits.” She forms an o with her pointer finger and thumb, winking at me.

Mila is already mixing her a drink in the kitchen. Amara stands on the other side of the island watching her with anticipation. “Joking aside I think it’s a good idea. Fuck, I don’t even know the guy and I know he’s a hard head. Who wouldn’t want you?”

My lips tighten. I mean, plenty of people wouldn’t. Plenty of people haven’t.

“Are you guys sure? I feel like my daddy issues are in full force sometimes.”

Isla shakes her head, her bun flopping with the motion. “Daddy issues are usually just an excuse for men to be shitty to women. Being nervous about a guy you like liking you back isn’t daddy issues, and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about that,” she scolds. “Daddy issues would be you finding an eighty-year-old man to fuck for money.”

Briar side-eyes her. “I don’t think I’d consider that daddy issues, I think that’s smart.”

Mila gasps from behind us, and we turn. “What?” she asks.

Briar puts up her hands. “I’m just saying! Listen. I’m in a perfectly happy relationship. But I’ve been in really fucking shitty ones, but,” she points to herself, “I literally started fake dating Leo because he promised he’d pay for Elara’s college. I have absolutely no room to talk at all.”

Isla narrows her eyes. “Plus, you had a perfectly healthy relationship with your dad. If a man told you that you have daddy issues they need a swift kick in the nuts.”

A man did tell me that. Multiple men, actually. The second they hear my dad died they expect me to have daddy issues.

“Men love daddy issues because it benefits the patriarchy. They expect you to have low self-esteem because of it. Instead, you have low self-esteem for some other reason that doesn’t make sense because you’re absolutely kick-ass and deserve the entire world,” Amara says, still standing by the island.

I know they’re all right. Of course they are.

I take a deep breath. “Can I be honest about something?” I ask.

They all nod.

“What do you guys think I’m good at? Like, I feel like I’m okay at a lot of things but I’ve never been great. I feel like so many of you guys have these huge, wonderful lives and businesses and I’m just over here still trying to figure out what I want to do. My thirties are closing in and I still feel like I check my bank account a little too much, and I don’t know,” I shrug. “I just feel like I’ve been left behind a bit, but it’s no fault of anyone but myself.”

Briar wastes no time responding. “First, I need you to know that nobody really knows what they want to do in their twenties. Well,” she purses her lips, “Most people. Some know. But you hear of people who spend hundreds of thousands on schooling just to turn thirty-three and realize that they fucking hate their life and they’d rather do just about anything else. They want to create.” She looks around at all of us. “It just so happens that we’re all creative people who have either found each other,” she takes Isla’s hand, “Or stuck by each other.

“Being creative isn’t a weakness. But it does sometimes come with more challenges. Challenges that I think we’ve all experienced a fair share of,” she looks around, and everyone nods. “Izara is the odd one out, but she’s been one of the smartest people I’ve known my whole life and honestly she’s an absolute gift to the legal system. But even she has periods where she thinks she’s unhappy with what she does,” Briar finishes.

“The worst thing anyone has ever done is convince the human race that creativity isn’t worth anything,” Isla adds. “Because I know that you feel like you’re behind, and sure, I’ve gotten really, really lucky. In so many ways. Shit, my brother funded my career,” she shrugs. Leo not only paid for her apartment next door until Owen bought it from him, but he also gave her money so that she could get her career started. Isla told me he had told her that it wasn’t fair for him to get to live his dreams and make so much money while she struggled to live hers.

Leo is known for being one of the biggest dipshits on the planet, but you can’t say he’s a bad guy. Just the fact that Briar loves him is enough to prove that. The woman wouldn’t ever accept anything less than she deserves.

And considering she’s an actual angel, she deserves a whole lot.

“I guess my point is that it’s really easy for anyone in their twenties to feel behind. Especially in the world we live in right now. But it’s especially hard for creatives because we’re told our whole lives that our work is worth less than others.” Briar takes a sip of her drink, settling back down after her speech.

“I think your photography is amazing, Heidi. And I’ve told you I’d have you in the gallery any day. I’d vouch for you and get you in there. I think you could do really well with it.”

Studying my hands in my lap, I think about it.

But I’ve thought about it before. Long and hard. The answer is always the same. Maybe someday when I’m good enough.

I don’t think that day is ever going to come if I don’t make the jump to prove to myself that I am good enough.

“I have to buy a new camera, but I’d really love that,” I say, nearly wincing at the words.

This is a good thing.

A giant smile lights up Isla’s face.

“This has been a lovely conversation,” Mila says with a smirk. “But we’re going to have to get back to the house soon. So, let’s go over a game plan. We’re calling a blitz.”