Page 8

Chapter Eight

W e had a new person come to look after Grandma the following morning and I started to worry about the number of new faces. I called Tim.

“I’m super grateful, and all, but I wonder if we can keep to the same people? Grandma was a bit upset this morning because she’s not doing too well with all the changes.”

“Of course. We do need to sit down and go through your exact requirements. We haven’t done that yet. How about I pop along later today?”

We agreed on a time, and I set about to clean the house. I had a sense of needing to make up for the time I spent enjoying myself the previous day.

I thought about Sebastian as I worked. More so about our sex. My body ached for him, and I knew it would take all my resolve to keep my distance. I hoped I wouldn’t have to work on the club interior. That way, I could avoid him and Amelia. I wasn’t sure, having seen her naked, I could face her again. I had three days to get myself together.

Once the kitchen was spotless, the living room clean and Grandma’s bedding all in the wash, I set about cleaning upstairs. I was a clean freak and I think that started as the only way of controlling my environment. My parents, before settling in a house, would camp on beaches, in fields, and communes. I had no control of where I was, or where I’d even wake up the following morning. I scrubbed the bathroom until the skin around my fingernails cracked and bled. I bleached everywhere so much that my eyes watered. When I was done, I tackled the bedrooms. Although the mould had been treated in Grandma’s old bedroom, it was yet to be redecorated. I decided to rip up the old carpet and dispose of all the furniture. It wasn’t needed anymore.

I called a charity and arranged for them to come and inspect and then collect the furniture. It wasn’t antique, but still in good condition. Most of it had come from the charity in the first place. I shifted what I could, cut up the carpet into manageable pieces and hauled them downstairs.

Sweat coated my neck and I grabbed my hair to hold it on top of my head. I wanted some cool air to wick away the moisture. When I heard a car drive slowly past, I turned. It was his car. I sighed.

The car stopped, but it wasn’t Sebastian who climbed out, it was the driver.

“I shouldn’t be here, but I wanted to tell you that Seb is like a bear with a sore head today,” he said.

I frowned at two things. First, why he was telling me this, and second, at the shortening of his name. Sebastian had told me all his staff called him by his surname only.

“I’m sorry about that,” I said, not really knowing what to say.

“Save my skin and call him?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know what you mean?”

He smiled. “He’s a miserable fucker when you’re not around, or he’s not around you.”

“I’ve met him a handful of times. I can’t imagine I’ve affected him that much,” I replied, chuckling at the absurdity of that.

“Ruby, you know that isn’t true. As I said, I shouldn’t be here. He’d go fucking mad if he found out.”

“I’m confused. I haven’t seen him every single day since he... you… tried to drown me. What’s different?”

“What’s different is that he doesn’t think he’s going to see you again.”

“He told you that?” I asked .

“Yes. I don’t just drive him around, we’re family, just not blood.”

He climbed back in the car and left, leaving me even more confused than when he’d first arrived. I didn’t even know his name.

However, a small smile crept over my lips. So, he was missing me, was he? We’d only seen each other the previous evening. I swallowed that smile back down. It wasn’t my fault he was moody, and I believed I had been right to put a stop to whatever it was happening before it got started.

Sadness washed over me, though. I was always meant to be alone. I knew that. I just wanted to get on with my life with as few complications as possible.

By the time I’d finished cleaning upstairs and had the second load of washing in, it was time for Grandma’s lunch. I heated some soup and buttered some bread, then took it in on a tray. I offered the carer some, but she’d brought her own, she’d told me. I also reminded her she could make herself a drink whenever she wanted. She followed me back to the kitchen.

“Your grandmother is lovely. She’s been telling me all about Spain,” she said.

“You understand her?” I asked.

“Yes, I took Spanish at school. I’m hoping to move there and become a language teacher. I’m just doing this before uni starts. ”

I smiled. “That’s nice. It’s a lovely country.”

“Do you miss it?”

I paused. Did I ?

“I miss elements of it,” I said, which was true.

I didn’t miss the drugs and drink. The parties and orgies.

I didn’t miss the lack of love and attention from my parents.

I didn’t miss the moving around, sometimes in the dead of night because rent hadn’t been paid.

I did miss the house that my grandma eventually bought, so I had a place to settle.

The carer left when Tim arrived, her shift over.

“This was all a little rushed, so we didn’t confirm a proper care plan with you,” he said. “Perhaps we could do that now?”

I nodded and offered him a coffee. He sat at the kitchen table with a bunch of forms.

“Before we do anything, I have to know how much this is going to cost. I start work on Monday, but I’ll be paid monthly,” I said.

“The fee has been taken care of. I assumed you were aware of that?”

I tried to keep my face neutral. “I wasn’t sure.”

“We’ve been asked to give you as much cover as you require. The invoice is sent to Mr. Wolfe’s secretary.”

“Okay. So how do we go about this? ”

We detailed my working hours, and I scheduled in the times that Monica would be sitting with Grandma. At first, I declined any help in the evenings, but after Tim pressed the matter, I agreed to three nights per week and then any emergency cover as needed. As Tim had said, I might have to work late sometimes. I might just want a night out with my new work colleagues. I chuckled at that one, knowing it to be highly unlikely.

I signed the documents and kept a copy. I had a huge file of documents about Grandma, and I added it to that.

When Tim had left, I just sat for a while. Grandma dozed in her chair, and I turned the television down so as not to disturb her.

I contemplated texting Sebastian a thank you, but that would break the ‘no contact’ rule I’d put on myself. I’d email instead, it felt more distant.

Hi, I just wanted to say that Tim came today, and we sorted the contract. I don’t expect you to cover the cost. Once I’m working, I should be able to do that. Perhaps we can make arrangements that I pay you back?

I’d pressed send before I read it back. I hadn’t meant to leave the email on a question, encouraging a response... Or had I?

I closed the laptop lid and left it on the table.

Back upstairs, I prepared my outfit for the Monday. I’d wear the trousers and blue shirt I’d gotten from the charity shop. I still had some money left over from selling the dresses and wondered if I ought to add another pair of trousers. I felt bad for getting caught up in the clothes shopping moment and then asking Sebastian to return the items. Maybe I should have brought them home to return myself. Although he’d paid on a card, so I’d need that for a refund, anyway. It had been pretty irresponsible of me, I thought. And irresponsible wasn’t what I did, generally.

I cleaned the shoes, disinfected the inside and left them on the kitchen table to dry off. I chuckled. Grandma would curse me for leaving shoes on a table, something to do with bad luck she’d say. I’d often reply that my luck couldn’t get any worse.

That night I had a terrible nightmare. I was in the woods, and I was lost. It was dark and I couldn’t see. My eyes hadn’t adjusted to the lack of light. I was trying to feel my way around. I would hear a chuckle, his voice gently calling me, but I knew it wasn’t because he wanted me. Or maybe he did, but it was scary. I tried to run, and I’d bump into trees, fall over bushes. I could see my house in the middle, the one I’d drawn, but I never seemed to get there. Nothing I did got me closer to the house. His voice would bounce around, echo, sometimes close, sometimes far away. I couldn’t determine if I was running to or from him. I was both terrified and aroused in my dream. I wanted to get to him, knowing he would likely kill me, but hoping he’d fuck me instead.

I woke, startled, out of breath, and with the sheets tangled around my body. I kicked them off and lay still, taking in deep breaths to stop my hands from shaking.

“Shit,” I whispered, finally.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed and shivered. I wanted to splash some cold water on my face, but the chill in the room had already cooled my skin. I placed my hand on a radiator and felt the coldness, perhaps the heating had gone off? It shouldn’t have been that cold.

I grabbed a jumper and slipped it on, then crept downstairs. I didn’t want to wake Grandma, but I needed to check she would be warm enough.

After satisfying myself that she was okay, I decided to check the boiler and then make a hot drink to take back up with me. The lights were on, suggesting the boiler was working, so I’d have to leave it until the morning to figure out why the bedroom was cold.

I made a tea and as I passed my laptop, I picked that up as well. It was highly unlikely I’d get straight back to sleep and maybe reading something might clear my mind of my dream.

Once I was back in bed, with the jumper still on, I opened the laptop. My email account was still open, and Sebastian had replied. I hovered over it, not wanting to read, but knowing I couldn’t ignore it even if I tried.

Good evening, Ruby. It’s late. I imagine you’re in bed. There is no need for any form of repayment. I wanted to do this for you, and I won’t be returning the clothes, either. They are yours to do what you will with. I’ll have them delivered to you over the weekend. I understand your hesitance, but I’m here if you need me. Always. Sebastian.

I read it a couple of times. Always . He had said he felt compelled to look after me, or words to that effect, but I wasn’t sure I believed that. You don’t just bump into someone and need to pay for them! Although, I didn’t feel like a charity case with him. What he’d done and continued to do came from a good place, and like I’d said, I wasn’t going to refuse the help I needed.

But did I need the clothes? Yes and no.

Did I need him? I didn’t like the answer that immediately popped into my head.

I’m awake. I had a nightmare, my usual one, but you were in the woods this time. You were chasing me, and I didn’t know if you meant me harm or not. I kept running towards a house, the one I drew, but I never got there. I made a cup of tea and I’m going to read, take my mind off it. Thank you for the clothes. I will accept them, I need them. Not so much the party frocks, but they might be nice to play ‘dress-up’ in sometimes.

I pondered on whether I should send the reply for a few minutes, and then I did. Maybe I’d regret that, perhaps not.

Maybe you need to make your dreams more realistic, achievable. You chasing something and never getting there suggests one of two things. You don’t actually want to. Or it’s just too far away to grab right now. Small steps, Ruby. You will get your house in the woods one day, but perhaps you need to place something in front of that house. Something smaller, something you can achieve quicker. Seb xx

He'd shortened his name and added two kisses! Perhaps I was overthinking it, since I was an overthinker, but he had said something smaller .

He’d made his name smaller. Was he suggesting that I could get to him quicker than my house in the woods?

I was aware the house in the woods was a metaphor, of course. Not that I’d turn down a house surrounded by countryside. It symbolised my place of peace, of acceptance of my life, I believed .

It was also a place of forgiveness. I needed to forgive myself of my sins to really be able to move on life.

I turned the laptop off so I didn’t respond, and drank my tea. I tried to clear my mind of all thoughts of woods and houses and Sebastian. Although that was hard to do. When I settled back down, I must have drifted off pretty quickly. I didn’t remember dreaming when I woke the following morning.

I hated the weekends more than weekdays. I’d had college to keep me occupied when Grandma was sleeping, which was a lot, or watching her tv shows, which was all the rest of the time. The house was clean, the bed linens washed and ironed. I had a cupboard of clean towels, fluffy and not rough and scratchy for once. All I had to do was bag up the carpet left in the front garden, and maybe I’d start to get some nice winter flower beds going. I wasn’t a gardener, but Grandma liked to look out the window and see colour. The grey road and dirty red bricks of the opposite houses weren’t very enticing.

Once I had her settled in front of the television, I pulled on my red hoodie. I had a bundle of rubbish sacks and I started to screw the cut-up carpet into them. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Some bags tore, and I swore, getting more annoyed at my stupidity, thinking I was doing the right thing by removing the carpet in small sections. I knew I could call the council and ask them to remove the carpet for a fee, but I wasn’t sure they’d do that in a bundle of black sacks.

“Do you need help?” I heard. I didn’t need to look to know who had spoken.

“No, I’ve got this,” I said, panting as I stomped on a larger piece of carpet that wouldn’t bend.

Sebastian stood by the gate and watched me. I snuck a glance. He wore jeans and a polo shirt; I was sure he should be cold. He sipped from a takeout coffee cup, holding another in his hand. At his feet were the bags of clothes.

“Okay, I’ll just watch then,” he said, smirking at me.

I continued to fill the bags, double bagging when they split, cursing under my breath, and wiping sweat from my eyes with the cuffs of my sleeves.

When I had the last bag done, I stood, placing my hands on my lower back to stretch it out. “Shit,” I said.

Then I finally turned to look at him fully. He held out the cup. “I imagine it’s cold now,” he said.

I reached out for it; I didn’t mind cold coffee. “Why are you here, Sebastian?” I asked, gently.

“Because I might not be your reality, but you’re mine.”

I stared at him, and then gently shook my head. “I don’t get it. You could have all the Amelia’s in the world. You’re wealthy, good looking, great at... you know. I’m just me, a poor woman trying to make ends meet.”

“Oh stop with the woe is me crap, Ruby,” he said, and his tone startled me. It also pissed me off.

“The what?” I asked.

“Yes, you’re trying to make ends meet. We’ve all been there, but there is nothing poor about you. You are courageous, talented, good looking, great at sex, I’ll say it for you, and I don’t want all the Amelia’s of the world.”

He hadn’t said he wanted me, though, I realised.

“I’m good at sex?” I asked, raising one eyebrow.

“I fought so fucking hard not to come within minutes of being inside you. No one has made me feel like that before.”

I looked up and down the street. “Shush, for fuck’s sake,” I said in an angry whisper.

He laughed. “I’ll ask again. Do you need help?”

“You’ve stood there fucking watching me, Sebastian. It’s done now.”

“What are you actually doing?”

“I wanted to get the upstairs bedroom ready for redecorating. Remember that part? It hasn’t happened.”

“You need to get on your landlord.”

“Get on or get on to ?”

He winked. “I’ll have someone here in the week. Can I come in? It’s cold out here. ”

I sighed; I knew I should have sent him on his way. I smiled and led the way back into the kitchen.

“This is cold,” I said, pouring the coffee down the sink. “I’ll make a fresh one.”

“You need a coffee machine,” he replied.

“No, I don’t. I have a kettle, that’s good enough for me.”

I made two coffees and placed the black on in front of him. He looked at it as if I’d just served up dog shit in a mug. He sniffed it and then took a sip.

“Good enough for you, is it?” I asked sarcastically.

“No, not really. But it’s hot and wet.” He stared at me; his eyes narrowed as he focussed in.

“Don’t do that,” I said, sipping my coffee and waving my arm.

“Do what, Ruby?”

“Or that.”

“Give me a clue here,” he asked.

“Don’t narrow your eyes, or get all throaty, seductive,” I said, stumbling over my words.

“Why?”

“Because I’m not in the mood. This is wrong. I’m too young, remember?”

He slowly shook his head. “And you decided you weren’t. You also asked to return to the club because you’re curious, remember that? ”

I screwed my eyes shut. I had, hadn’t I? “Well...” I had no reply, really.

“I have your clothes, and I want to take you out to dinner tonight. I promise that I’ll return you back here. There is a great restaurant that has opened, and if it makes you feel any better, I’ve been invited but I have no one to go with. I don’t like to dine on my own.”

“Oh, so I’m the fill-in, am I?” I asked, knowing that wasn’t what he meant at all.

“I can’t win with you, can I?” he replied and sighed.

I slid my hand over, so my fingertips touched his. “I was joking, badly, it seems. If I can get cover, then yes, I’d love to come with you.”

“Good. I’ll collect you at seven. Now, what else needs doing before I leave?”

“I need help to get the furniture down for the charity to collect,” I said, cocking my head and smiling.

“Fuck me, I didn’t anticipate manual labour today,” he replied, and then winked again. “Come on, can’t sit around here drinking coffee.”

While I dragged a chest of drawers to the hallway, he took apart the bed. He then moaned at me for dragging the chest of drawers and removed the drawers from their runners. It certainly made it a little lighter.

He took the front end, and I stationed myself at the back, and we carried it down the stairs. We placed it in the front garden, then stacked the bed on top. The wardrobe was the problem.

“Leave that. I’ll have someone come tomorrow to get that out,” he said.

“Tomorrow is Sunday,” I replied.

“And? Every day is a work day if there is work to be done.”

When we were done, I walked him to the front gate. He paused and stared at me for a moment. He then raised his hand and placed it on the back of my head. He closed his fist around my hair and pulled my head back. Despite not wanting to respond, I moaned slightly. He leaned down.

“I told you once, you don’t get to tell me what to do, and telling me I can’t have you is something I’m not familiar with.”

“Do I have a choice?” I whispered. His mouth was so close to mine, I felt my words being sucked in with his inhalation.

“Always.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.”

“Look me straight in the eyes and tell me to leave you alone. To never see or contact you again, ever. Your job is safe. You said I wasn’t your reality, but then I’m in your dreams. Maybe I’m meant to be. So tell me!”

I stared at him and opened my mouth. I felt his tongue dart out and lick across my lips. “I’ll see you at seven,” I replied.

“Good girl. Wear the red dress.”

His kiss was fierce and claiming. And I let it happen. Whether he was my reality was something I’d need to figure out another time. When I was with him, I wanted him.