Page 14

Chapter Fourteen

W hen I woke, Sebastian was lying beside me. “Hey, baby,” he said gently.

“What time is it?” I asked, stretching.

“Just coming up to seven. You’ve been asleep about four hours,” he replied.

“Bloody hell, have I? Have you been here all the time?”

“Not all the time. How do you feel?”

“I didn’t like that,” I said, gently.

He nodded. “Okay, I won’t do it again. I promise.”

“But I also liked it. And I don’t want to like it,” I replied, and then hiccupped as the tears started to flow.

“Okay,” he said, slowly. “I will do it again, but only if you ask me to.”

I chuckled and snuggled closer to him. “I don’t know how I feel, to be honest. Other than exhausted and... Sated? Is that really a word? I feel content and my body feels calm. I have no idea what I’m saying. I know I don’t want to lose this feeling and I will.”

“What is it that you don’t want to lose?”

“The calm and peacefulness I feel with you. My brain isn’t running a million miles an hour. I can actually think nothing and just be comfortable being led by you. I never thought I’d say that, ever, but... That’s what I don’t want to lose.”

“Why do you think you’ll lose it?”

I kept my face in his chest, not looking at him.

“You’ll tire of me one day,” I said, adding a chuckle to lighten the moment. “I’m not experienced enough for you.”

He didn’t answer immediately. Eventually, I looked up at him. His eyebrows were raised.

“Excuse me for my moment of fucking stunned silence there. What utter bullshit. I have a whole stream of swear words I could use right now, but I’ll just say this... Strike two!”

“Wait. What? Where was strike one? You can’t jump a step.”

“I can do whatever the fuck I want. Now, rest and don’t talk shit again. I’m going to make us dinner, I’ll call when it’s ready.”

“Do you clean as well? ”

“And iron and make the bed. And pick up your fucking clothes you leave lying around.” He gave me a wink as he slid from the bed. “Which are washed and dried and over there,” he said, pointing.

I giggled as I wrapped myself tighter in the duvet.

“You’re a right domestic queen, aren’t you?” I said to his retreating back.

“Strike two and a half.”

Sebastian called me a half hour later. I dressed in the T-shirt and sweatpants and padded barefoot down to the kitchen. I walked over to him, he was facing away from me and plating up a meal. I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my cheek on his back.

“What are we having?” I asked.

“Steak, again. I guessed you needed some iron, and I need some meat.”

“Do you want me to help?”

“No, just sit. Or maybe grab a bottle of wine? In the pantry.”

I headed to the pantry and through another door to a wine cellar. I had no idea what wine he had, but I studied the labels. There was a bottle that was half empty so grabbed one of those assuming he’d drunk the rest.

“I don’t know if this is any good,” I said, waving it around.

“It’s perfect. Now, sit ”

He placed both plates on the breakfast bar and took the bottle from me. He opened it and poured it into a jug through a mesh funnel. “Let it breath for a little bit,” he said, placing it on the bar.

He sat beside me and smiled. “Let me guess, you’re starving?” he said, watching me ready tuck in.

“Always. I was born starving,” I replied.

We ate and we chatted. Some of what we talked about was the funeral arrangements and he confirmed again he would attend with me. We made a small mental list of ‘guests’ and I realised it didn’t amount to many.

“It doesn’t matter how many are there, Ruby. Only that those who are there, want to be.”

Again, I finished before him and placed my cutlery on my plate. He ate his steak extremely rare, and I’d been grateful mine was a little more cooked. He hadn’t asked me how I liked it, and whatever stage it was at, was lovely.

He placed a piece of steak in his mouth, and I watched as he sucked the blood from it before he chewed.

“You’re not a shifter, are you?” I asked, pouring us both a wine, assuming it was ready.

“A what?”

“A shifter, shape shifter. You know people that are also animals and switch between the two. ”

He paused, placed his cutlery on his plate and turned to me.

“What on earth are you talking about? Why the fuck would you think I was some mythical creature that doesn’t exist. Pretty sure, I’ve proven I’m the real thing.”

I laughed. “You are very... Wolfish?”

He laughed. “Wolfish?”

“Yeah, like, you run your tongue over your teeth, like a dog. You just sucked the blood from the meat before you ate it.”

“So that makes you think I’m something that’s not real?”

“No, it was just a thought, a fleeting one. But you are very... I don’t know what the word is. Alpha maybe?”

“Good. Alpha is good. I’m a man, one that has looked after himself from a very early age. Too fucking right, I’m alpha, and I have no intention of giving up that title any time soon.”

He lifted his glass of wine and sniffed it. He took a sip and swirled the liquid around his mouth. He then swallowed and nodded.

“I’ve never met anyone like you before,” I said, quietly.

He turned to face me. “And I you, Ruby. Perhaps that’s why we work. We’re very similar in a lot of ways. We’ve both had to fight to get where we are. We’ve confessed our sins, or rather, my sin. One of them,” he said, winking. “You need someone like me, and I need someone like you.”

“Need is a strong word,” I replied.

“No, it isn’t. We want and we need. Nothing wrong in that.”

“So, since we’re pretend married, do you believe in divorce?”

“I don’t believe in letting go of anything that is mine, Ruby. Not without a fight, and I’ve never lost a fight yet.”

He’d closed the gap slightly between us.

“What if I ever wanted to leave?” I shivered at the thought, knowing it wasn’t something I wanted at all.

He shook his head. “You don’t, so the point is moot. End of, Ruby.”

He sat back and picked up his wine again. He raised his glass to me in a salute and sipped again.

“Are we a couple? Like, for real?” I asked, and I held my breath waiting for his answer.

It was slow to come. “What do you think a couple is? Isn’t it what we do?”

“Erm, well yes, but couples also make love.”

“Is that what you want from me?”

“I wasn’t saying it for that reason.”

“You confuse me, Ruby. Tell me, what’s the difference between fucking and making love in your opinion? ”

“Well, men can fuck without emotion, can’t they? Women know the difference between being fucked and being made love to.”

He reached out and stroked my hair. “Has anyone made love to you?”

“No, I don’t believe they have.” I squared my shoulders. I’d started this conversation; I could hardly duck out when it became awkward.

“I have, Ruby. I don’t just fuck you. If I did, I wouldn’t kiss you. I wouldn’t have any intimacy with you. I wouldn’t hold you after. Life isn’t like your books. I’m not one of your hero’s. When I’m with you. Inside you. I’m giving you me, all of me. Maybe my version of making love to you is different to what you need. If that’s the case, tell me. Instigate it. Teach me.”

“Have you ever been in love before?” I asked.

“Never.”

I didn’t want to ask if he was in love now.

“Can we take a walk around your garden? I need some fresh air.”

I didn’t. I needed to halt the conversation in its tracks.

“Good diversion. Yes, come on.”

I chuckled and shrugged my shoulders. “I have no shoes on.”

“So? Neither have I.”

He slid from the stool and held out his hand to me. We linked our fingers, and it reminded me that was a fairly intimate thing to do. We weren’t just holding hands .

“Who looks after all this?” I said, as we walked through the French doors and out onto a large patio. There was a large lawn and beyond that, the woods.

“I have a gardener. An old guy and his grandson come every week. This is beyond my capabilities.”

“Finally, something you can’t do,” I said, laughing.

“I know. It kills me, of course, but I can’t be perfect at everything.”

We walked down some steps to the lawn. It was perfectly mown with stripes, very regimental. There were trees lining both sides.

“How far does it go?” I asked, looking down to the wooded area.

“I have something like twelve acres. I rent some of it to a girl for her horses. They’re over there.” He pointed to his right. “Tomorrow, I’m going to take you into the woods.”

I shuddered. “Me and woods don’t get on,” I said, laughing.

“So you’ve said. All the more reason to walk through it with me.”

“I’ve always been a little afraid of the dark,” I said, as we came to a standstill.

“Sit,” he said. He sat on the grass first and pulled me to his lap. “There is nothing to be afraid of once you know what’s there.”

“When you were a child, what about the monsters?”

“My monsters were all real, Ruby. No one under my bed. No one in my closet. They lived in the same house. They presented themselves as honest men who loved the children they cared for.” The spite in his voice chilled me.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. I don’t want you to remember the past.”

“I like to remember the past. It keeps me focussed on what I want from life. I still have sins to perform, Ruby.”

He fell silent and I felt his breath on the back of my neck. I should have been scared. I wasn’t. I should have run from him a long time ago. I didn’t want to. There wasn’t anything he could tell me that would make me want to leave him. When he left me, he’d break me, I knew that. But I was willing to stay put until that day happened. I just hoped I’d cope with the pain.

“There is one more, Ruby. One more who must pay. I’ve been searching for him for a long time, but now I know where he is. How will you feel about me, then?”

His words were quiet, but I heard every word. They chilled me to the bone.

“Are you telling me you intend to do what you did before? ”

“Yes.”

I swallowed hard. His arms around me tightened.

“I guess I’ll have to figure that out when the time comes.”

It was the most honest I could be with him. His arms loosened just a fraction and he rested his chin on my shoulder.

“Thank you. That’s an honest answer, and I appreciate it.”

“Do you have to...?”

“Yes. Not just for me this time, but for all the boys. The ones who took their own lives. The ones who still want to take their lives. The ones that are so broken they are unlovable, their souls damaged, beyond repair. The ones who can’t rest until every single man in that home is dead. For them, yes, I do.”

“Where do you fit in there?” I asked.

He didn’t answer. He just sat holding me, getting wet from the damp grass with me on his lap, and facing the woods.

“No, Ruby, there is nothing scary out there. I’ve been to hell, nothing on earth could match that.”

We lay beside each other in his bed. We hadn’t fucked, just climbed in, and held each other until he fell asleep .

“Which one are you?” I whispered, stroking the hair from his forehead.

Sebastian was a complex character. I wasn’t sure where I stood in his life. It was still early days and there was a serious age gap. I didn’t care about the age, but I knew other people would comment. I was then reminded of the man who came to visit me, the driver who spoke about him as if he was a friend. I hadn’t seen him since. Sebastian had driven his own car the past week or so.

I watched his eyes move under his closed eyelids and knew he was dreaming. I wondered what about. He didn’t seem to be frightened of anything, unlike me. I had lists of fears. Some irrational, some not. A man like Sebastian would have been on page one, for sure. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t fear him. He exuded danger. Yet, I was deeply attracted to him.

I watched him for ages. He shifted to his back and threw one arm over the top of his head. His chest was exposed. I placed my hand over his heart and felt it beat steadily. His body was imperfectly perfect. His scars were deep inside. I wondered what had happened to him, not that it took a magician to work it out. He’d been in a home and abused. He’d killed one abuser and was about to do the same to another. Even when I said the words in my head, I still didn’t feel anything about it. I should have, I knew that. I wondered what that said about me.

Was I so screwed up that murder didn’t affect me? Or was it because it was justifiable? I imagined I’d do the same if I were in his shoes.

He mumbled, something incoherent and his brow frowned. I gently kissed his lips and he responded. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close. He hadn’t opened his eyes, but I caught one word, need . He had said that he needed me, I wasn’t sure why. He wasn’t the kind of person that needed anyone, I thought.

I was happiest, I guessed, when I was needed. Grandma had needed me for so many years, I’d willingly given whatever she required. I knew I’d do the same for him. This time, however, I was getting something back.

I needed him. I needed the calm and space to breath without thinking that he gave, whether it was intentional or not.

Feeling his breath on my skin was reassuring. It was also worrying. We’d got very close in a short space of time. He didn’t mess around he’d told me. When he wanted something, he took it. It was our ages, I supposed, that had us think differently about that.

I watched the sun rise, and with it, his eyelids.

“Morning,” I said .

“You haven’t slept,” he replied, stretching, and moving away from me.

“How would you know?”

“Because I felt you.”

“You felt me?”

“Yeah. I felt you looking at me, your hand on my chest. I’m never fully asleep. My brain doesn’t shut my hearing completely off. A defence mechanism, I suppose.”

I shuffled over so I was lying on top of him. I rested my chin on my hand that I’d placed over his heart.

“I’m glad you felt me. And no, I’ve dozed, but that’s probably because I slept a lot yesterday. I need to meet Monica today, and then if Mike’s okay, I’ll go back into work tomorrow.”

“You do what you need to do. I have a meeting later, but I don’t want you on your own. I can’t cancel this, so Tony will drive you home and then bring you back here.”

“Who’s Tony? And I can stay at home on my own for a while. It’s okay. I have to go home at some point.”

“He’s the one who soaked you, remember?”

Ah, the mysterious driver that called him Seb.

“As for going home, you only go when you want to, when you’re ready.”

I smiled at him and nodded.

I felt his cock harden beneath me. I reached between us and placed my hand over it, gently squeezing. I slid to the side, wanting to tease him and when he was rigid in my hand, I let go. I smirked and moved to the side of the bed, not for one minute expecting it to be a mistake. I laughed as I climbed off the bed. I highly doubt he’d ever felt denial.

As quick as a flash of lightning, he was off the bed and standing in front of me. His movement had been a blur, in fact.

“No. Oh, no, Ruby. You’re not brave enough to do that to me.”

I frowned, and for a fleeting second, my heart stopped with fright.

Then he winked as he pushed me back against the wall. He placed his hands either side of my head.

My heart raced and my pussy pulsed with wanton need. I wanted to touch him, to have him touch me, but he just stared. I parted my lips and took in a breath. I swallowed hard as he lowered his face close to mine. He inhaled loudly.

“You are so aroused, Ruby, I can smell you.”

I nodded and blinked rapidly, not able to hold his stare.

“Am I intimidating you?” he asked.

I nodded, again. “A little.”

“Do you like it?”

“Yes. ”

He kissed me then, hard. He crushed his body against mine and I wrapped my arms around him. He grabbed my thigh and lifted, I raised the other and he held me. I reached between us and held his cock. When I was ready, he slammed into me. My back scraped against the wall, and I winced.

He fucked me quick, it was short, sharp, and so sweet. I laughed as he came, not because I thought it funny, but it was a release, I guessed. When he was done, he rested his forehead against mine and chuckled.

“I need to hit the gym if this is going to be a regular occurrence.”

“I don’t know, I think you’re pretty fit already,” I replied, and bit his shoulder.

“Strike... Where are we up to?”

“Need to hit the mental gym as well. I mean, at your age, you don’t want to be losing your memory. And I’m not telling you.” I smirked as he gently let me down.

He slapped my arse, hard, as I walked to the bathroom. Then followed me. We showered together and as I stood with a towel wrapped around me watching him shave, I kissed his back.

“Thank you, Sebastian,” I said, gently.

He looked at my reflection in the mirror. “For what, baby?”

“For taking my mind off Grandma. For lots of things, really.”

He smiled, gently. I walked into the closet and selected an outfit to wear. I had new jeans and a jumper that looked like it had a shirt underneath. It was stylish, something I wasn’t used to, and I loved the combination. I grabbed a pair of his trainer socks, not having any of my own, and slipped them on as he walked in. He chuckled as he saw what I was doing.

“You need underwear, Ruby.”

“I need lots of things, and I’ll sort it, when I can.”

“We’ll clear that whole side for you. Fill it when you want.”

It was said casually, and I wondered if he understood exactly what that meant. It was a significant thing to a woman, for a man to share his closet or wardrobe, with her. So I thought, anyway. Or was that just something in magazines. It wasn’t like I had any experience to fall back on.

He sat on the bench next to me. “I hate leaving you today, even for a short time. Here, I need you to have this,” he said, and he handed me a key. “Just in case... you know... I’m not back before you.”

I heard a slight stumble in his last words, as if he was unsure how to do this. How to give me access to his home.

“We can’t be in each other’s pockets all the time. And thank you. But you know I can stay in my own home if you want your space back. I need to talk to my landlord about my house, at some point.”

“What does he need to know?” he asked, pulling on his own socks.

“Well, I don’t think I can afford it now I won’t have the top up from Grandma’s benefits. I know I’m getting paid well, but... Well, I still have some debts to clear.”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“How about we talk about that later? Whatever you want to do, Ruby, we can work out.” I smiled at him. “Now, let me guess? You’re hungry.”

I laughed and nodded.

I made the bed while he walked downstairs to start breakfast. He wore his suit trousers and a shirt. He carried his jacket and tie. I picked up his cufflinks and watch since he’d left them on the counter in the closet.

He was busy making omelettes and carving fresh bread when I arrived. I made coffee and then he dished up.

We ate, drank, and he asked me what my plans for the day were.

“I don’t know, really. I’ll get to the house, and Monica said she’d help me get Grandma’s clothes and whatever together. Is it too soon?”

Sebastian rolled down his sleeves and fitted his cufflink. He dropped one, and I scooped it up. He held out his arm so I could attach it for him myself .

“I don’t know, baby. Is there ever a good time? I’m going to cancel my meeting. I want to be with you today.”

“No, I don’t want you to do that. Whatever it is, it’s important. I’m a big girl, I’ll be fine.”

Before he could reply, we heard the front door open and close. He didn’t even look up, but I worried at who it could be.

“Ruby, this is Tony. He’ll drive you today.”

It was the ‘friend’ who had visited me. “I’m sorry for your loss, Ruby,” he said. He patted Sebastian on the shoulder as he passed. “Coffee on?”

“No, but I’m sure you’ll learn one day how to turn it on yourself.”

“I can make it,” I said, jumping up. If he was going to drive me, I could at least make him a coffee.

Tony raised his eyebrows and smiled.

“Sit, Ruby.” Sebastian said. “He’s a lazy fucker. Let me introduce my brother. We don’t share birth parents, but we went through the system together. We’ve known each other mostly all our lives. He knows how to work a fucking coffee machine, and if he doesn’t, it’s about time he learned.”

Tony laughed and rolled his eyes. “We’ve met, actually. And I’m not talking about when I drowned her .”

“You’ve met?” Sebastian said.

“Erm, yes, well. He came and told me to call you, or something, I can’t remember. Said you were a miserable person because of me.”

Tony held up his hand when Sebastian looked at him. “Hold on. I did not say that.”

I was about to interject when Tony added, “I recall saying you were a miserable fucker.”

Sebastian laughed, and then stood. He cupped my face and leaned down. “I’ll be home early afternoon. Will you be here where you’re done?”

I nodded, and he gave me a brief kiss. Then he turned to Tony. “Make sure to bring her home here, won’t you?”

Tony saluted. “Yes, boss.”

Sebastian left the room, and I heard a jangle of keys as he filled his pockets with what he needed.

Then I felt awkward. Tony came and sat next to me.

“Thank you,” he said, smiling. “He’s much nicer when you’re around.”

“I’m not sure what you have to thank me for. But... well, thanks.”

“This is my number, programme it in your phone, please. I’ll drop you back to your house, then, when you’re ready to be collected, call me. If you need me in the meantime, you must call. Got it?”

“You always as bossy as him?” I asked.

“Not always , mostly... yes. It’s not worth the headache if I don’t do what he asks. ”

I thought it a strange thing to say, and I wasn’t sure if it was a joke or not, but I didn’t press.

“I’ll grab my phone, and then I’m ready. Well, I’m not, but you know what I mean.”

“I don’t, sorry. Haven’t had anyone die that I didn’t hate. It must be really strange.” It was a genuine response, I believed. I paused from heading out of the kitchen.

“Did you not know your parents, either?”

He shook his head. “No, I was put in a home as a baby. Seb was about three years old, I think, when he was given up. Not that he’d remember his mother.”

“Have either of you ever tried to find them?”

“I did, once. Back when I was in my teens. My case is fairly straightforward, single teenage Catholic mother. No choice but to give me up. It was a Catholic home we were put in, so that suggests his mother was Catholic as well.” He chuckled, not that I thought anything was funny. “Catholic, huh? Worst bastards in the world when it comes to being Christian.”

His voice changed so rapidly, from jolly to utter hatred, it gave me shivers. I nodded, not knowing what to say, and left the room.

I took a moment to sit on the bed after I’d picked up my phone and put on my boots. Tony reminded me of a psychopath. Not that I’d met many, or any for that matter. But him going from laughing to an almost immediate switch of anger? I think I’d have hated to have gotten on the wrong side of him.

I made my way back down and Tony was waiting by the front door. I smiled as I passed him and walked to the car. He held the rear door open.

“Can I sit up front? And what type of car is this?” I asked.

“Sure. And it’s a Bentley,” He closed the door and opened the front one.

He drove in a more sedate manner than Sebastian, and it was nice to actually see what we drove passed.

“How are you managing Seb?” Tony asked, as he concentrated on pulling out of a junction.

“Managing him?” I had no idea what he meant.

“He’s a difficult person. I know he’ll tell you his story in time, but he was the most abused of us all. It affected him badly, still does.”

“I imagine it affects you all, and for life,” I replied.

“Some of us cope differently. Most of us work for him, did you know that?”

I remembered the ex-cons and the homeless Mike talked about. “I think there was a reference to that when I started. I didn’t understand, though.”

I wondered how Sebastian would feel with Tony telling me things perhaps he didn’t want me to know.

“It must be nice for him to have you as a friend, someone who understands what he went through,” I said.

“And sometimes it’s a curse. We remind each other of our trauma. Every day he walks in that office, and when he sees us all he really sees are the children he tried to shield from the monsters.”

I found it interesting that he’d used the same words as Sebastian when referring to the perpetrators.

“How did he try to shield them?”

The words that followed chilled me to my very core.

“He offered himself, so they’d leave the little ones alone.”

I caught the sob that threatened to leave my throat. I swallowed it back down and closed my eyes tight.

There weren’t words in my vocabulary that could articulate how that must have felt.

“He walked into the devils’ dens so other kids didn’t have to,” he added, and then we fell silent.

I blinked back tears the rest of the way.

When we arrived at my house, I saw Monica’s car already parked. We sat for a moment. “I’m guessing he would be upset by you telling me all of that?”

“Furious.”

“Then why did you?”

“Because you need to know. He’s besotted with you, he also feels it’s wrong. Sometimes, I don’t think he can reconcile those feelings. He walked to men twice his age, willingly. He sees that age gap with you.”

“He hasn’t displayed any conflict,” I said. “Well, nothing of substance, anyway.”

“He won’t. He internalises. And then he explodes. You’re so good for him, Ruby. Whatever happens, keep in mind, he needs you. He’s never been in love, and I think he’s falling for you. Not that he will admit it.”

“Ever?”

Tony shrugged his shoulders. “Who knows.”

I looked at my house, and yet again, I wondered, why me. I was just a tenant, he had loads. I was just a kid in comparison to the women he’d dated. I was inexperienced in all things relationship and sex. I had an old soul, though. Maybe that’s what attracted him.

“I need to go. Thank you for driving me. I’ll call when I’m ready.”

I left the car and took a slow walk to the front door. I paused, processing what he’d said. Did our age gap remind him of his past? I wasn’t so sure. I hoped Tony was just assuming, and Sebastian hadn’t actually told him anything about us. He seemed too loose lipped for my liking.

“Is that you, Ruby?” Monica called when I opened the door.

“It is.”

“I have the kettle on,” Monica replied as I walked into the kitchen. “You look tired,” she said, frowning at me.

“I feel tired. I didn’t sleep much last night, but then I’d slept on and off most of the day before. Turning nocturnal, I think.”

“Let’s have a cup of tea and then decided what you want to achieve today?”

I nodded.

Once the tea was made, we took our mugs to the living room. “The hospital agency will collect the bed, wheelchair, commode, and stuff. They’ll be here this afternoon.”

“Okay, I guess we start in this room then.”

We stripped the bed and I piled everything into the washing machine. Monica dismantled what she could, and we placed it in the hall ready for collection. I folded up clean clothes of Grandma’s that were lying around and piled up the dirty ready to wash.

Monica had called the local charity shop and they’d come around with a van to look at any furniture they wanted. I’d decided, when I downsized, the furniture we had would be too old fashioned and probably, too large. We stuck stickers on the furniture that was to go and then I cleaned while she moved on to Grandma’s old bedroom.

Once all her clothes were bagged up, and it didn’t amount to much, I carried them downstairs. Monica loaded the boot of her car. I then walked from room to room and boxed up ornaments that had no monetary or sentimental value, items I’d collected from charity shops myself just to fill shelves.

We worked solidly until mid-afternoon, and it was the grumble of my stomach that alerted me to the time.

There was nothing in the fridge that was in date, so Monica and I decided to walk down the road to the local café.

“Thank you for doing this for me,” I said, as we grabbed a table.

“I wouldn’t let you do this alone, Ruby.” She reached for the two menus propped up between the salt and pepper grinders.

I chose a good old fashioned English breakfast, despite the time, and she chose a sandwich.

“The funeral is going to be strange. There is literally like, five people going,” I said, listing off those who had been invited. “They’ll be more pall bearers than guests.”

I chuckled at the thought. “She isn’t here to know otherwise, is she?” Monica replied.

“Can I talk to you about Sebastian? I don’t have anyone else I can talk to.”

While we waited for our food, I spoke.

“He’s a lot older than me, as you know. His friend, the guy that dropped me off today, said something interesting and I’m not sure that I should have been told it. ”

I then preceded to tell her about Sebastian offering himself to save the younger kids and how the abusers were so much older.

“I just don’t know what it is we have. It’s early days, but so intense already.”

“Does that bother you?” she asked.

“No, nor does the age gap. I said to him, being with him allows me space to breathe. I know that sounds strange, but for years I’ve had so much on my mind. You know, like, how to pay bills, what to feed Grandma, how to ask for help. I don’t have to do any of that. I don’t have to ask for anything, either. It’s odd, but I think he understands it.” I chuckled as I recalled a memory. “I even asked him if he was a shapeshifter because he’s so... out of this world?”

“ Out of this world ?” Monica laughed.

“No, not out of this world... intuitive to my needs. That’s the right term.”

“It’s a good thing, isn’t it?” she asked.

“Yeah. But strange.”

“Only strange because you’ve never had anyone in your life who wanted to care for you.”

We fell silent while our food was delivered, and I opened the can of cold Coke that was handed over.

“What about the abuse stuff? How do I deal with that?”

“What is there for you to deal with?”

I thought for a moment. “Nothing really, but I need to be supportive.”

“Ruby, you are the most caring and selfless person I know. Have ever known. You couldn’t not be supportive. When the time comes, and you’ll know when it does, you’ll also, instinctively, know what to do.”

“Also, he’s very... alpha, if you know what I mean.” I felt my cheeks redden.

“I imagine he is. He’s controlling every aspect of his life, not allowing anyone else to. He had no control over his childhood, even if he willingly gave himself to others. I would also expect that to follow into the bedroom. You need to be careful you don’t fall into a relationship where he is over controlling, to the point of being an abuser himself.”

“I hadn’t thought of it that way. I don’t think he’d ever abuse me. I feel safe, even when I’m apprehensive about things.” I didn’t want to detail what things I was talking about.

Monica nodded as if she understood. “The only advice I can give you is this. You’re taking on a man who has lived a terrifying life, one we could never fully understand. It will affect him all the way through his life, no matter what he says. You need to be prepared. If you take on someone like Sebastian, you going to get all his insecurities, his fears, his alpha as you call it, because that’s the only way he knows how to survive. For you, having met him, he’s giving you respite from yourself, from your brain. Maybe, you’ll get to a point where you can do the same for him.”

I stared at her. I’d known Monica for a few years, firstly just as Grandma’s carer supplied by the local council, but then as a friend. Those were the wisest words she’d ever said. I placed my hand over hers and squeezed. Then went back to eating, I was starving.

Back at the house, we filled Monica’s boot and back seat with stuff. She left to drop off the items at the local charity shop, promising to call me the following day. I wandered from room-to-room cleaning and inspecting. The washing was done, and I placed all the bedding in the tumble and some, I hung over the banister. It gave the house and a nice smell.

I moved to my bedroom after.

I’d only just cleaned the room prior to spending the weekend with Sebastian. I fluffed up the pillows and placed a couple of read books I’d read back on the shelf. I opened my wardrobe; another sparse area, but I’d never needed much. I picked up my red hoodie and held it to my face. That jumper had been a staple in my life, as silly as it sounded. It had been a shield, I could put the hood up, lower my head and no one knew if I was female or male. It kept me warm. It was threadbare slightly on the elbows and the string that threaded through the hood had long been lost .

I slipped off the jumper/shirt and put it on. I flicked up the hood. Jeans and the hoodie were what I was wearing when I’d first met Sebastian. It felt like a long time had passed.

I grabbed my red military coat and placed it on the bed. I had my new clothes, most of which were at Sebastian’s, and once I took out my newest charity shop purchases. What was left could really just go as rags.

I threw my horrid underwear and old tights. With my first pay packet, I vowed to get some new underwear.

I carried a black sack of old clothes downstairs and was startled by a knock.

It was the charity shop that had come to take furniture. They only left one item, a heavily scratched old coffee table. I hauled it outside hoping one of the neighbours would have it.

I sat and waited for the agency to collect the disabled items.

The house was way too quiet, so I turned on the radio. I wasn’t listening, it was just a welcome background noise. I had no idea what channel it was set to, but thanked it wasn’t a modern one. I couldn’t deal with screaming or sad songs.

The house needed a repaint. Before Sebastian, I decorated myself, only because it was too much hassle to get the landlords to do it. I chuckled at the number of shitty emails and phone calls his office would have taken from me. I remember having a conversation with the only sympathetic person I’d spoken to. She’d told me, when my name flashed up on their screen, the call handlers would groan.

I picked at a corner of wallpaper that had come lose, before I knew it, a whole strip had peeled away in my hand.

“Oh, shit,” I said, and then laughed. It would have to be redecorated now.

There was a second knock on the door and expecting the hospital agency, I opened it. Instead, a man stood there. One I recognised.

“Hello, Ruby,” he said, his accent pronounced.

I slammed the door in his face. He had the gall to chuckle. I wrenched it open again.

“She’s dead.”

“I know.”

“How? How do you know?”

He sighed. “I have visited her, only through the window. I don’t come in.”

I frowned, shaking my head. “You’re dead according to the police.”

He chuckled again and I wanted to punch him in the face .

“And I’d prefer if it stayed that way.”

“Do you have my money?”

He shook his head. “No, I needed it more than you did.”

“Then fuck off, and don’t you ever knock on this door again. In fact, I’ll be moving out soon.”

“She was my mother, Ruby,” he said.

“ Was being the important part there. Fuck off, don’t ever come back. Do you hear?” I screamed the words and slammed the front door again.

I slumped against the door. I couldn’t get my breath and started to hyperventilate. My vision blurred, and my fingertips tingled. I shook, my legs wouldn’t hold me up. I stumbled to the living room and fell into a chair. All I could do was hold my throat. I felt like I was choking, my cheeks burned. My heart stopped when I heard another knock. I spun on my heel and wrenched the door open.

“I said—”

“What happened?” Tony asked. I guessed he’d come to check on me.

“My... he... I can’t breathe.”

“Lean over, Ruby. Deep breath in, okay?”

Tony pushed gently at my back, so I folded at the waist. I rested my head on my knees and tried hard to get my breath. All it did was to make me feel worse. I really panicked then. My diaphragm was restricted. I stood up, as much as I could, and started to scream. I was aware the sound was coming from me, but unaware that also meant I had air in my lungs.

“My father just showed up,” I said, wheezing out the words. I then started to cry.

“Hey, come on. It’s okay,” he said, and he wrapped his arms around me. It wasn’t him I wanted, though. It was Sebastian.

“Call... call...” I just couldn’t get my words out.

“I have. He’s on his way, Ruby. Let’s sit, come on. I’m here, no one is going to get to you, I promise.”

I tried my hardest to get my breathing under control. It had been so many years since I’d had a panic attack, I had to dig deep to recall my coping techniques. I focussed on one spot on the carpet and emptied my mind. I counted my breaths until I’d found an even rhythm, if still a little too fast. My head swam and I closed my eyes.

I heard Sebastian crash through the front door.

“Where is he?” I kept my eyes closed and counted. My heart rate had increased.

“Gone.”

They whispered, I didn’t hear, and then I felt him beside me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me to his chest.

“I’m here, baby,” he said.

I cried, then. Big whacking sobs left my chest. Sobs of fear and anger at my father showing up. The tears and sobs that I’d held in since Grandma had passed joined them.

By the time the sobs had subsided, I was only able to partially open my eyes. They were so swollen.

“I’m here, baby,” he repeated.

I gripped his shirt, clutching the material as tight as I could. I needed to hold on to him, to something that smelled of him, to ground me.

I inhaled deeply and it calmed me.

Eventually, I looked up at him. “I’m sorry,” I said, my voice croaky with emotion.

“You have nothing to apologise for.” He kissed my forehead. “I want to get you home.”

Home . The thought that my father had been spying through our window gave me shudders. He’d been on the missing persons list for years. Fucking years! And yet, he obviously lived close enough to spy on us. Anger and bile rose quickly. I leaned forwards and threw up. Sebastian rubbed my back and I started to cry again.

“Come on,” he said, standing and pulling me to my feet.

“I need to...” I wasn’t sure what I needed. I could smell vomit, but I wasn’t sure if it was over me or just the floor.

“You don’t need to do anything. Let’s get you home. Your new home.”

His voice was harsh, but I knew he was containing his anger. I assumed Tony had told him who had knocked on my door.

He held me to his side as we left the house. I saw the flash of a red car in front of me and then the door was opened, and I was helped inside.

I closed my eyes again. The light hurt them. I curled up on the seat and waited for Sebastian. He leaned over me to plug in the seatbelt and then I felt a breeze as he opened the driver’s door. The roar of the engine was a comfort, the speed was welcomed. He was whisking me away as quick as possible, and I was thankful for that.

“After all these years, why now?” I whispered.

“I don’t know, but I’m going to fucking find out.”

“He said he knew she’d died. How?”

He reached over to take my hand. “I will find out.”

I stayed silent the rest of the way.