Page 12

Chapter Twelve

S ebastian was in the kitchen and preparing something for us to eat. I had taken longer to shower because I needed to wash my hair. It was still wet and piled on top of my head. I hadn’t bought a hairdryer, and he didn’t own one. He told me to make a list of the things he needed to buy.

I stood in his dressing room with a towel wrapped around me and realised, I hadn’t packed any pyjama’s or something to lounge around in. I opened drawers and found a pair of sweat pant shorts. They’d do. I had to roll the top over a few times. Once they almost fitted, I grabbed one of his t-shirts. It was grey with Nirvana on the front. I had no idea what that meant, of course, but assumed it to be a band .

“Baby, you are never leaving this house,” he said, stalking towards me. “These look good on you.”

“Shall I tell you something?” I asked, as he lifted me and placed me on the steel counter. He nodded. “When you stayed that first night, you left your shirt. I slept with it the second night so I could feel close to you, could smell you.”

I lifted the t-shirt to my nose. Since it was clean, it didn’t have the same scent, but it was still there. A very faint hint of his aftershave.

“If you moved in with me, you could have that all the time,” he said, stepping between my thighs.

I placed my hands on his cheeks. “If only, but for now, that’s a nice dream to have. Can you imagine what my landlord would say if I tried to give up my contract early? I’m sure there would be a penalty.”

“He’d probably want to spank that gorgeous arse of yours,” he replied, turning his head and kissing my palm.

“Can I ask something?” I said, and he nodded. “Is three strikes always a spanking?”

He laughed. “No.”

“What else is it, then?”

“Whatever I want it to be.” He kissed my nose and stepped back. “Now, food. I have steaks.”

I slid from the counter and offered to help. While he prepared the steaks, I made a salad. His fridge was so well stocked and mostly with fresh food. I grabbed a half-drunk bottle of wine and held it up.

“It’s white, we’re having steak.”

“So? Can’t we drink what we like when we like? Let’s break the rules,” I said, teasing him.

He shook his head and smiled; I poured two glasses after opening multiple cupboards to find them. We sat in the sun room and ate. I liked watching him eat. The only way I could describe it was that he ate manly . He tore into his meat and chewed it hard, I thought.

“What?” he asked, seeing me stare at him.

“I like the way you eat.”

He laughed and shook his head. “You are entertained by the strangest things.”

“I’m entertained by you.”

He gave me a wink and while we continued to eat, he told me about the house. He wasn’t pretentious about it, he’d just wanted enough space for himself. I reminded him of the four bedrooms, and he laughed again.

“It was either take over the whole floor just for myself, or have additional bedrooms. One day, I’ll sell this so...” He shrugged his shoulders and then placed his cutlery on his plate.

I finished my meal and took both plates to the sink.

“Do you want more wine?” I asked. I picked up the bottle and took it back to him .

As I stood beside him to pour, he placed his hand around my hips.

“It feels good having you here,” he said.

“It’s a beautiful house, one of my dreams. And for now, that’s where it will have to stay,” I replied, ignoring his meaning.

I grabbed my phone from the kitchen counter and texted Monica. I wanted to know Grandma had settled down okay. She replied immediately to tell me Milly was there and yes, she went off to sleep easily.

“Come and sit, Ruby,” Sebastian said. I followed him into the sitting room.

He sat on the sofa, and I curled up beside him. “This is nice,” I mumbled.

He wrapped his arm around me. “It is. It’s odd, too.”

“Why?”

“Because I’ve never done this before,” he said.

“How many partners have you had? Maybe we need to have that conversation as well,” I said.

“Partners, as in long term? None. I haven’t wanted one until now.”

I looked up at him. “Until now?”

He kissed the top of my head. “Until now. As for your other question, I’m clean. I can show you my latest health certificate.”

“I don’t need to see anything. I’m on the pill, so no worry about babies. ”

“I know. I saw it in your bathroom cupboard.” I snuggled down again. “So, how many partners have you had?”

“None,” I replied, and chuckled. “I’ve only had sex with two other men... Boys, really, I guess. I haven’t had sex in a few years. Does it show?”

He laughed and pulled me closer.

“I have a plan,” I said, and laughed before I divulged it. “Let’s have sex in every room of this house, and then outside as well. I’ve always wanted to do that, although it’s a bit cold, isn’t it? Or maybe we’ll forget the outside—”

“Ruby, shut up,” he said, then leaned down to kiss me.

We slid down the sofa and I lay on top of him. He placed his hands down the back of my... his shorts and cupped my arse cheeks. I kissed his face, moving around until I found his lips.

We lay like that for a while, just talking. Sharing our favourite songs and movies. I rested my chin on my arms crossed on his chest.

“Was your childhood really awful?” he asked.

My heart fluttered. “I can’t say it was awful, not compared to yours. My parents were hippies, I guess. There were too many drugs around. Grandma gave my dad some money to buy a house in Spain because she worried about me. But that just gave them a base to party from. I ingested cocaine once. I was born drug and alcohol dependent, apparently. It stunted my growth,” I said.

“Really?”

“No,” I replied and laughed. “The drug and drink part is real. My mum was short. You know, I can’t really remember what she looked like now.”

“How did she die?” he asked.

I didn’t speak for a little while and then I sighed. I pushed myself off him and sat on the edge of the sofa beside his stretched-out body.

“Maybe I need to tell you something, before this goes any further.”

He shuffled up. “What do you need to tell me, Ruby?”

“I... I helped her die. I killed her.”

I didn’t look at him and it was the first time I’d ever spoken the words out loud to anyone before. Although I suspected my dad knew which is why he had disappeared.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” he asked, calmly.

“Erm... You’re not likely to call the police, are you?”

“You’ve just admitted to killing someone. Perhaps you should have asked me that before.”

I looked at him. He offered me a smile. “Tell me what happened. ”

“She wanted to take her own life. I knew it. She had no choice, Sebastian. She couldn’t get clean, and she was dying anyway.” Tears started to fall, and I hiccupped. He sat up and wrapped his arms around me.

“Take your time, but tell me. Let it out,” he said.

“She wanted to die. She said it was the only way she could keep me safe.”

“Did you understand what she meant by that?”

“Yes. I was getting more exposed to their lifestyle. She believed if she wasn’t around, it would end. So I thought. I scored the drugs for her, Sebastian. I cooked up the heroin.”

He was silent, just looking at me. “You didn’t kill her, Ruby. She killed herself. You wouldn’t have known what you were doing,” Sebastian said quietly.

“But I did. I knew exactly what I was doing. And that makes me guilty in Spanish law. My dad dragged me away in the middle of the night and let the police just find her.”

I took a few deep breaths and lifted the t-shirt to wipe my face.

“I heard when they found her, they started to look for me. My dad didn’t even bury her. I don’t know what happened to her body.”

“That still doesn’t mean you knew what you were doing. Or that you intended to kill her. You were a child fucked up by her parent’s behaviour.” His voice became sterner.

“The police pulled in the dealer, and he told them that I’d scored the drugs to kill her. The police wanted to speak to me.”

“You were underage, Ruby.”

“They didn’t care. So we ran again. My dad said he was going to sell the house and we’d move countries. He disappeared and I’ve never seen him since. He sold the house, leaving me homeless. That’s when Grandma came to my rescue again. I was twelve, Sebastian. Old enough to be charged as a juvenile in Spain.”

“Charged with what, Ruby? You didn’t do anything wrong!” There was a level of exasperation in his voice.

I looked up at him. “I injected her. It was me that did it. Her hands shook so much she couldn’t get the needle in. I took it from her and did it myself. I killed her.”

I broke down then and he hugged me tight. He rocked me as I wailed, letting out eight years, more even, of pain and anger, of loneliness and hunger. I had been dirty, I’d seen things I should never have seen, done things a child should never have done. I’d had no education until I was a teenager. I told him all this while he comforted me.

“Shush, baby. It’s okay. It’s okay,” he repeated .

Spent, I slumped against him. “I can go home now, if you want me to.”

“Are you kidding me? You and me, Ruby, we’re more alike than you think we are.” I looked at him, waiting for him to continue. “What you did was a mercy. You gave your mother the release she needed, and you saved your own life in the meantime. It was a form of self-defence. I’ve killed in cold blood. For real, Ruby. I’ve murdered, willingly and knowingly. You haven’t.”

He showed no emotion at all. I placed my hands on his cheeks. “You can leave me if you want. I won’t tell you all the details because it’s way too gory, but I was abused, and I killed one of my abusers when I was twelve years old. I took great delight in it, Ruby. I went to juvenile prison for seven years. It was only seven years because the police and social services knew they’d let me down, so I guess I did a token time away. When I was released, I became homeless.”

“You killed to save other children, didn’t you?” I asked.

“I killed because I hated with such passion that if I hadn’t acted on my desire, Ruby, I would have gone mad. Other children didn’t figure. I wanted him dead for me . I wanted to see the pain on his face as he bled out, and I took great pleasure in it. I stabbed him, multiple times. I washed my hands in his blood, Ruby. Thankfully, the police thought I was fighting him off, I was charged with manslaughter.”

I closed my eyes and rested my forehead on his. “I should be scared of you,” I whispered.

“Are you?”

I shook my head. “No, but I should, shouldn’t I?”

“I can’t answer that, Ruby.”

“What does it say about me, I’m not? I’m not scared of you at all.”

“It says that you’re a courageous woman who sees beyond what you’re told.”

“I guess so.”

“So now we know the worst in each other. How do you feel?” he asked.

“No different. When I’m with you, I feel safe and secure. I feel comfort for the first time in my life. I feel at peace. I feel like I belong somewhere.”

“Good.” He held me tighter.

“How did it feel?” I asked him. “To watch him die.”

“Pleasing. How did you feel?”

“Sad, but relieved. She just went to sleep and didn’t wake up. I waited with her, and then my dad came in.”

“What did he do?”

“He beat me for using all the drugs.”

He stiffened beside me .

“I don’t know where he is, I suspect somewhere like Cuba, somewhere he can speak the language. And now, I don’t care. I did for a long time. I wanted my money, wanted what was due, but now, I don’t think it was ever about the cash. It was more about him not benefitting from her death.”

“You don’t need him, and you certainly don’t need that money,” he said.

Sebastian stood and pulled me to stand beside him. He looked at me, tracing my face with his eyes.

“You’re so young, so wrong for me. But so very right. I have a feeling you’re doing to be my downfall.”

“Let’s just keep the right bit, please?”

He picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. I buried my head in his neck and he carried me up to bed.

The sheets were ruffled and damp from our previous stay, but I didn’t care. He laid me down so gently, and I slid off the shorts, pulled the t-shirt over my head.

He was gentler and slower. Taking his time to pleasure my body, to kiss and lick every inch of me. I did the same to him.

I woke to a sound. Sebastian had walked into the bedroom wearing shorts and a very sweaty t-shirt. I stretched to relieve myself of the gentle ache.

“Good morning,” he said, leaning down and kissing me.

“Eww, you’re all sweaty,” I said, after grabbing his t-shirt to pull him closer.

He laughed. “You didn’t moan about that last night.” He winked and then pulled the t-shirt over his head. He threw it at me, and I flicked it to the floor. “I’m taking a shower.”

I wasn’t sure if that was an invitation or not. I rolled to my side and grabbed my phone. It had run out of battery, and I cursed.

“Do you have a charger?” I called out.

“Just place the phone on the nightstand, it will charge.”

“It’s on the nightstand,” I called back.

“Then check the plug is switched on.”

I looked down the back of the cabinet and switched the plug on. Instantly, my phone started to charge. I lay on my side looking at him through the open bathroom door. We hadn’t spoken again about our confessions, but I had a sense of lightness about myself. I felt cleansed, talking and sobbing had been cathartic. I also felt exhausted. I stretched and yawned again, noticing notifications flash up on my phone.

I picked it up to see a missed call from Monica. My heart stopped as I called her.

“Ruby, darling, I’m so sorry—”

“She’s died, hasn’t she?” I asked, just as Sebastian walked back into the room.

“She has. She went in her sleep, Ruby.”

“Oh no. Oh God. I wasn’t there,” I said, my voice shaking.

“She wouldn’t have known if you were, darling. I’ve called the doctor and he’ll be here shortly.”

“The doctor, why?”

“Maybe you should have Sebastian bring you home?”

“I will.”

I cut off the call and looked up at him. He had come to stand beside me, and now he knelt, cradling me to his chest while I cried again.

“I wasn’t there, Sebastian.”

“It’s okay, baby. Remember what she said to you?”

I nodded. “I need to go home,” I said, my voice croaking.

He stood and held his hand out to help me up. We both dressed and silently, he drove me home. When we got there, an ambulance car stood outside, and behind it, a black van.

I rushed in. Grandma was in the living room. She looked like she was just asleep. I fell to the floor beside her bed and grabbed her hand. She was cold. I held it and cried. I apologised for not being there when she died. Monica rubbed my back while Sebastian dealt with the doctor and undertakers. I had no idea what to do, but Monica had called the necessary people. Grandma had pre-paid for her funeral years ago and always made sure, when she was more with it, that both Monica and I knew what to do.

I was glad she’d made the calls; I wasn’t sure I could have. While I sat, Sebastian and Monica dealt with everything. Eventually, Sebastian came and sat with me.

“They need to take her now, baby,” he said, quietly.

I nodded and stood, leaning down to kiss her forehead. I didn’t like the feel of her, but there wasn’t much I could do about that.

I waited in the kitchen, unable to watch, while the undertaker took her out. Watch her be put in the back of black van. The doctor spoke to Monica and then came to sit with me.

“Ruby, I know this is going to be a very sad time for you. I want you to know she went peacefully; we can see that. She was ready to go, and you have done everything ever asked of you. She had a good life and you should be proud of what you did for her. I’m just a phone call away if you need any help.”

I nodded. He’d been a great doctor for Grandma, she’d liked him. I’d never been sick so had never seen him in that capacity. I could hear Monica and Sebastian talking, but I just sat staring into space. I’d cried my tears. I was at peace with her death, it was a blessing and one we had been waiting for. But I felt so unbelievably sad.

“Sebastian wants to take you home,” Monica said, kneeling in front of me.

I nodded. I didn’t want to stay in the house without her. I couldn’t face seeing her empty bed.

“Shall I come and help you after the weekend?” she asked.

“Please, I don’t think I can do all that alone.”

She hugged me and then stood. She hugged Sebastian and I was surprised to see him hug her back. He didn’t appear to do affection with strangers. Then it was just us.

“Shall I get you some more clothes, baby?” he asked.

“I guess so. I’ll come with you.”

Together we walked up the stairs. I stood just outside the empty room that had once been Grandma’s.

“I’ll have to tell the landlord not to bother redecorating now,” I said, and gave him a small smile.

“I know the landlord will do whatever you ask of him,” he replied.

I patted his chest then walked into my bedroom. I placed my hairdryer on the bed along with a brush designed for my extra curly hair, and some pyjama’s .

Sebastian grabbed some of the new clothes he’d bought and added them to the pile. I didn’t own a suitcase so packed it all into two tote bags. I also grabbed a tatty old teddy that sat on my pillow. It was the only thing I had from my mother.

He locked up the house and we walked down the path. The neighbours were out, leaning on their fences and gossiping, wondering what was going on. I ignored them all. I’d never spoken to any and they’d never shown an interest in Grandma before then.

We climbed back into Sebastian’s Ferrari, and I gave them the finger as we drove off.

“What do I do?” I asked Sebastian when we arrived back at his house.

“Did she have a funeral plan? A will, maybe?” he asked.

“A funeral plan, yes. No will, I don’t think. She wouldn’t have had anything to leave. She spent all her money on a house for my parents.”

I slumped onto one of the kitchen stools and rested my head in my hands. While I was glad she’d finally passed on, for her sake, I wasn’t ready. My life was finally coming together. I might have been able to save to take her on a little holiday. For the past year, she hadn’t left the house. I had to keep reminding myself, she wouldn’t have known any different.

Sebastian came and sat beside me. He placed his hand on my back and the heat from it seeped through my skin. He comforted me.

“I already feel lost. I mean, I know I have a job now, but looking after her is all I’ve known for years.”

He didn’t speak but let me ramble on.

“Shit, I need to call Mike,” I said.

“I’ve done that. You’re entitled to some leave, Ruby.”

“Not really, though, am I? I’ve only just started. I’ll make it up somehow.”

“Ruby, I own the fucking company. If I say you can have some leave, then you can.”

“That’s not the point, they’ll hate me because you’re showing favouritism.”

“I show everyone favouritism, I’m a walking fucking charity where that company is concerned. Everyone gets what they deserve. If they don’t deserve it, they don’t get it.”

I sighed. “I knew this day was coming. I’m not sure I’m ready for it, though.”

“Well, baby, it’s happened. I’ll take care of everything until you’re ready to take over, okay?”

I nodded. I had never been dependent of anyone before, but I wanted him to take care of me, to take over for a little while.

“I think I might lay down for a bit, is that okay?”

Crying had exhausted me.

“You don’t need to ask. Since we’re pretend married, you can do as you please, and treat this house as your own,” he said, giving me a gentle smile. I knew he was trying to cheer me up, and he did, a little.

I placed my hand on his cheek. “Plenty of women lucked out where you’re concerned, didn’t they?”

“I don’t know what you mean?” he said, helping me slide off the stool.

“You’re not the big bad wolf, you’re a kind hearted and loveable Labrador in disguise.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Can I be a mastiff? Please let me be anything other than a soppy Lab.”

I chuckled and reached up to kiss his lips.

“Loveable, huh?” he whispered.

“Loveable.”

I walked upstairs and fully dressed, climbed under the duvet.

The curtains were still drawn from the evening, and I lay in semi-darkness, thinking. My grandma had been so feisty in her day, a leader in women’s rights in Spain. She’d fought Franco’s rule and the level of fascism she hated. I know my father had called her revolutionary. That thought took me to my father. I had no way of contacting him, assuming he was still alive, to tell him. But then, did he deserve to know anything since he’d abandoned us both?

Thoughts whirled through my head, memories of my time with Grandma. I chuckled at the blasted blanket I’d now be able to wash. She’d knitted that blanket when she was a teen, although I couldn’t be entirely sure. It was so old, it might not survive a wash. I let a few tears fall as I recalled my life with her, and I wished her well in her next.

I started to think about the future. Maybe I’d downsize to a flat. With my brain whirling, I began to mentally list the things I knew I needed to do. I’d need to call the benefits office to let them know she’d died, call Tim so he didn’t send anyone to cover Monica. There was a ton of things to do, and I was lying in bed hiding away from it all. I pulled the duvet up over my head. I’d deal with it all tomorrow, any other day other than now.

Some time later I felt the bed dip and Sebastian pulled back the duvet. “You’ll suffocate under there,” he said. He had made me a coffee and he placed it on the cabinet.

I shuffled up and picked up the mug. “Thank you,” I said and sipped.

He ran his hand over my head, trying to tame my wayward curls. I imagined they were standing on end .

“I need a haircut. And I’ll need to get a dress for Grandma’s funeral.”

“We can shop tomorrow, if you want.”

I shook my head. “I can shop. You can’t keep buying me stuff.”

“I can and I will.”

I didn’t have the energy to argue with him, and there wasn’t much point. He’d more than likely get this own way.

“You will come with me, won’t you?” I asked.

“Are you kidding? Of course I will!”

I sighed again.

“Do you feel bad you weren’t there?” he asked, gently.

“No, not really. As Monica said, she wouldn’t have known. I’d have liked to, for my sake, but there’s not much point in worrying about something I can’t control.”

“What about your father? Do you want me to find him?”

“Find him? I’ve been trying for years. No, he didn’t care about us.”

“I’m quite skilled at finding people,” he said, still smoothing my hair.

“I’m sure you are, but no. I can’t imagine Grandma would want him there. Before her memory went, she told me she hated him. It surprised me, she’d never disliked anyone before.”

“Then we won’t bother.”

I sipped my coffee again and we fell into silence for a couple of minutes.

“I have no one left now,” I whispered.

“You have me, and Monica.”

“You’ll both leave at some point,” I said, not looking up at him.

“I can’t, we’re pretend married, and I don’t fuck about with pretend marriage.” He gave me a small smile. “As for Monica, I highly doubt she’ll never speak to you again. She’s like a mother to you.”

“Pretend married,” I said, and chuckled. “It’s okay if you want to get pretend divorced, though. I’d hate for you to think you were stuck with me.”

“If you’re trying to get rid of me, I’ll be forever wounded,” he said, placing his hand over his heart.

“Nah, I’ll keep you around for a little while. You’re the only one who can make me smile.”

“And scream. And call out my name. And come like never before. Don’t forget all those things.”

“You are quite conceited, aren’t you?”

“Yeah. I like to big myself up from time to time. Now, come and eat something.”

I climbed from the bed and followed him downstairs. He’d called for a takeout, which was sitting on the side. I hoped it hadn’t been there for a while, no matter the situation, I was always hungry and ready to eat. I put it down to the days when I never knew when I might eat next, so grabbed whatever I could, whenever it was available.

Sebastian plated up his favourite Japanese meal, and I tucked in. “I’m beginning to love this food,” I said.

“Good. I’ll take you to a Japanese restaurant I like tomorrow if you feel up to it.”

I shrugged, not sure I wanted to be all ‘dolled up’ and out. “Or we can just curl up here and not see the world until we have to?” I suggested.

“We can do whatever you want,” he said.

“Whatever?”

“Whatever.”

I laid my fork down. “I know I’ve asked this before but, why me? You could have any woman you want.”

“I don’t want any other woman. I want you. It’s quite simple, Ruby. I saw you soaking wet, standing on the pavement, furious with me. You are beautiful when you’re angry, and you stirred something inside me. I wanted to know more about you.”

“Did you see a project ? Someone needy?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“No. I saw someone feisty. Someone who would challenge me, not roll over and give in at the click of a finger. I need that.”

“I think I rolled over pretty quick,” I replied and sighed.

“You did what you did because you wanted it. It wasn’t to please me, or to get me. That’s the difference.”

“Do lots of women throw themselves at you?”

“They have.”

“Why?”

“You, Ruby, are so bad for my fucking ego! Maybe because I’m good looking, successful, wealthy, fucking ace in the sack.”

“Well, yes, you are all that, but I don’t think I’d throw myself at you just because of it.”

“Why do you, then?”

“I don’t !” I shot him a stern glare before defrosting it into a small smile. “But if I did, it would be because under your ego there is someone like me,” I said, quietly.

“Both orphans, huh?”

I nodded.

“Finish your food,” he said.

“And, this sounds strange, but it’s nice to have someone take control for once. I don’t know if you know what I mean, but all I think about the next bill, the next meal, how to afford the basics like Tampax, even. With you, I don’t need to think. It’s... It’s refreshing. But I don’t want you to think that’s all I’m about… I don’t know how to explain this very well.”

He stared at me. “Maybe you would make a good sub after all. But only if you learn to shut up when told. Although, I suspect you might struggle with that.” He was joking, of course, and trying to keep me smiling.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “Seriously, I don’t want you to pay for me, but it’s nice to think I’m not in this alone. That I have someone I can talk to, for once. It’s been a lonely existence until now.”

Sebastian picked up my hand. “You’re not alone, Ruby. I’m here, and I’m going nowhere.”