Page 15

Chapter Fifteen

I zoned out so much, I hadn’t even realised we’d arrived home. It had been a huge shock to see my father standing on the doorstep. I’d gone to sleep one night; we had hidden in a woods and it was cold. When I woke, he was gone. I was alone in the dark, in the cold. That was ten years ago.

I’d cried fucking tears for him.

I’d called out his name, wanting him to come get me.

I’d walked for hours until I came to some services and called Grandma. She’d come for me when he didn’t. She smuggled me home on a fake passport, so I didn’t get caught.

I’d sobbed at night into my pillow with my grandma comforting me .

I’d begged him to come home, knowing he couldn’t hear me.

And then, I’d struggled. Financially, emotionally, physically.

I detested him. I hated the thought he’d been close and ignored us. I loathed that he knew Grandma had died.

If he thought he was attending the funeral, he had another think coming, for sure.

“Come on, baby,” I heard.

I turned in my seat to see Sebastian crouching down beside me. He reached in to take my hand. “Let’s get you inside.”

I took a deep breath in and then smiled softly at him. I slid my legs out, and then held out both hands. He took them and gently helped me up. When he let go of my hands, he cupped my cheeks.

“You okay? Can you walk in?” he asked.

I nodded. “Thank you for coming to get me,” I said.

He kissed my lips. “I was local,” he said. “But I would have travelled from anywhere to get to you.”

He led me into the house, and I turned when I heard another car draw up. Tony pulled the Bentley beside the Ferrari. When he jogged to the front door, there was just a nod between the two men. I followed Sebastian through to the kitchen and pulled out a stool. I sat while he made coffee for us all .

“So, what happened?” he asked.

I sighed. “I was cleaning, or whatever I was doing. There was a knock at the door. I thought it was the people coming to take Grandma’s disability things, so I opened it and he was standing there. I think I went into shock. I told him she was dead, and he said he knew. He said he’d visited, looked through the window.”

“That’s fucking creepy,” Tony said.

“Do we know where he is now?” Sebastian asked, and Tony nodded.

“I don’t want to see him, and he isn’t coming to the funeral,” I said, panic lacing my voice.

I wasn’t sure what I was so panicked about. I hadn’t seen him in ten years. Sure, he hadn’t shown me any real love, and he’d beaten me when my mother died, but I wasn’t frightened of him.

“He isn’t coming anywhere near you,” Sebastian said.

I sipped on my coffee, using the warmth of the mug to heat up my hands.

“What do you think he wanted?” I asked.

“No idea, but I’ll find out.”

Sebastian looked again at Tony.

“What aren’t you telling me?” I asked, looking between them both.

“Nothing I want to divulge just yet,” Sebastian said, then glared at Tony .

“So there is something?”

“Yes, there is something. And you’ll know when the time is right.”

I stared at him. His face was closed , there wasn’t even the usual challenge to push him I’d seen there before. Nothing. Conversation was ended.

I looked back into my mug. “I need a shower. I stink of cleaning fluid,” I said, gently smiling.

Sebastian insisted on walking upstairs with me. He took my mug and placed it beside the bed. He then grabbed the front of my hoodie and pulled me forward.

“This look on your face, these clothes, this is how you were when I first met you. Sad, and hurt, and tired.” He spoke softly.

“I like this hoodie,” I replied.

“I know. I like you in his hoodie. It’s just, the past few days, you’ve laughed a lot, and now he’s made you fucking sad and that angers me.”

I shook my head. “I’ve made myself sad by letting him affect me. He means nothing, but he was all I focussed on for a long time. I used his disappearance to fuel my anger, in turn, that kept me going.”

Something came to my mind. The looks between Sebastian and Tony. The whispered conversation. The confirmation that Tony knew where my father was when Sebastian asked him. It was all of that, but something more. It was the anger that had radiated from Sebastian when he’d learned it was my father who had upset me. It was more than I would have expected.

I placed my hands on his chest. “Can I ask you one thing?”

“You can, whether I answer is another matter.”

“Did you know my father before me.”

He sighed and closed his eyes. He raised his head as if in thought. Then he lowered it. “Yes.”

“Is that why you sought me out? Is what we have... engineered .” I lowered my hands and took a step back.

“No!” He shouted the word and I blinked rapidly. “No, Ruby. I don’t ever want you to think that. I drove past your house because I was checking out the street. We didn’t even notice you standing there. I was looking across the road. Meeting you was coincidence.”

“Did you know I was his daughter, though?”

“No. Not at first.”

“Is he the man you’ve been looking for?” I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, waiting. I heard him take a step closer.

His breath brushed my lips, and when I opened my eyes, his were full of pain. I cupped his cheeks.

“Is he?”

He nodded. I broke down. I clung to him crying into his chest and he wrapped his arms around me. He held me so tight I felt like I couldn’t breathe properly. My legs gave way, and he held me up. My father had to be the same age as Sebastian, or thereabouts. He couldn’t have been one of the staff at the home, so he’d been searching for him for another reason. However, I also knew that the one person left had done him harm. So much harm that Sebastian wanted to kill him.

I couldn’t deal with that.

“I need to be alone, please?” I asked, begged. “Please?”

He nodded and stepped back again. I reached for the bed and collapsed on top. “Just give me an hour.”

He didn’t speak but he did leave the room. The door gently clicked shut and I covered my ears as I buried my face into the duvet. I screamed. I screamed so hard my throat was raw.

The man I loved, and I did love Sebastian, was going to kill my father.

How the fuck did I process that?

An hour passed. I hadn’t slept but just laid on the bed, doing everything I could to empty my mind of thought. That, of course, was impossible.

I believed Sebastian when he’d said he hadn’t known I was his daughter initially. However, I carried my father’s name, and it wasn’t a usual name in Spain, let alone in the UK. It was a discussion I needed to have with him. And the word, initially , bothered me. At what point did he know I was his daughter? Why didn’t he say something?

I felt like utter shit. My cheeks felt chapped and sore from crying so much. My nose was red, my eyes swollen. My lips were dry, and my throat was sore. My body ached.

Just a couple of days ago I’d felt so happy. Now I was a wreck. I had to go back to work in the morning, but I had no idea how I’d function. Another thought hit me.

Mike had said some of the guys were ex-cons. Tony had said some of the guys were from the home. Had my father hurt them as well? How had no one there connected me to him?

I sat up. There was no way I could keep mulling over these questions. I needed some answers.

I walked downstairs and found Sebastian sitting in the living room. He held a book in his hands, and he lowered it when he saw me.

“Come here, baby,” he said, patting the sofa beside him.

I sat and curled into his side. “I have some questions and I really need answers to them.”

“I imagine so. Ask away, Ruby.”

“What did he do to you?”

Sebastian sighed. “He did nothing to me, personally. It’s what he did to others that is unforgiveable. I met your dad when I was in juvenile prison. Did you know he had been convicted of child abuse?”

I sat back and stared up at him. “In prison? He was born in Spain.”

“Yes, he was. He came to the UK with your grandmother, Ruby. He was convicted of child abuse, physical abuse. He befriended kids on the streets, in homes, and trafficked them.”

I shook my head. “Are you sure you have the right person?”

He gently stood. “Come with me.”

We headed to a small room that he used as a home office. He took a key from a cabinet and opened a drawer. Sebastian pulled out a folder and laid it down. He then looked at me.

“Are you ready to see this? This,” he said, tapping the folder, “will throw what you think you know about your family in the air. I would rather you didn’t do this. But, on this occasion, I’m going to step aside and let you choose.”

I walked to the desk and stared at the folder. In the corner was a photograph. It certainly was my father, and one taken many years ago, probably before he met my mother.

“Did he meet my mother in Spain?”

“No. ”

“They went to Spain together, though, yes?”

“Yes. After he got out of prison.”

“Is that why you couldn’t find him?”

“Yes. Although I did look in Spain.”

I stilled and stared. I didn’t open it. “Were they my parents?” I asked, quietly.

“I don’t know.”

“I wasn’t abused, not sexually.”

“I didn’t say he sexually abused children.” He sighed deeply. “He sold children, abandoned children, to wealthy couples without any checks or care for the kid. He kidnapped them from the home. That is what he went to prison for.”

“Why isn’t he still locked up?”

“Because he was a teen himself. He didn’t kill anyone. It was thought he was working for a larger gang, and he was thrown to the wolves to save arses higher up.”

Thrown to the wolves.

“And now he has been thrown to the Wolfe?”

“And now he had to pay for what he did.”

“Wouldn’t some say he already has?”

“Prison didn’t stop him, Ruby.”

I turned and walked from the office. I didn’t want to know what was in that file. I heard him lock the file away and then he followed me to the kitchen.

“Can I make a tea?” I asked .

He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his chest. “I’ll do it. I wish it was different, Ruby. I really do. I didn’t know you were his daughter at first. I hope you believe that. I don’t believe he is your biological father. You don’t bear his surname, you bear your grandmothers.”

I frowned and looked up at him. I’d always assumed I had his name.

“He has his father’s name. Your grandparents never married.”

“I can’t process that you know all this, and I don’t. At what point did you connect me to him?”

“Only recently. Through research, one of my team connected his father to your grandmother.”

“Were you going to tell me?”

“Yes. I just had no idea how or when if you want my honest answer.” He sighed.

He released me and I sat at the breakfast bar. I rested my elbows on the cool marble and cupped my head. I was starting to get a headache. I rubbed at my temples and closed my eyes. I didn’t want to go home in case he returned. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be where I was, either. It wasn’t that I needed away from Sebastian. I needed to be somewhere where I couldn’t ask him more. I had hoped he wouldn’t have told me, but now that can of worms had opened, there were things I was entitled to know, things I needed to know .

“Is this all why we moved around all the time, do you think?” I asked as he slid a mug in front of me.

“I imagine so. He knew I was looking for him. And I suspect he might have known we are together. If he’s been watching the house, he could have seen me come and go.”

“Why didn’t he run?”

“Being on the run requires a lot of money. Who knows? Maybe he thought there would be some after your grandmother’s death.”

“Did the kids he... you know, did they have a nice life?”

He gently shook his head. “No, not many of them did. Maybe one or two, but mostly, no. And I don’t want to tell you what happened to those that didn’t.”

I nodded and sighed. I didn’t want to know, either. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about what had happened, but I had to protect my mind. Way too much was whirling around in it, as it was.

“What do I do?” I asked, not looking at him.

“What do you want to do? I know what I want, but this is your call now.”

“I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to stay here. It’s not because I don’t love you, Sebastian, and I do... love you. It’s because I don’t want to know any more and I can’t be here when... you know. If I’m here, I’m going to pester you for information and we’ll end up unhappy, or at least I will.”

He sucked in his lower lip and looked up to the ceiling.

“I was going to move out of the house. It’s too big for me, and I can’t afford the rent on my own. So maybe I should look for a flat. Know of any?” I asked, adding a quick chuckle, a bitter one.

“I do, actually. You can have it rent free for a short term let if you want.”

“I can pay you.”

“I don’t want your money. I want you to be safe and comfortable, and I know you will be there. It was mine before I moved here.”

I nodded. I’d take him up on the offer. I thought it was important we had some space.

“I need to return to work tomorrow, as well. I don’t want to dwell and I don’t want to know anything more. I think I just need some time to work through what I do know and reconcile that.”

He stepped towards me, but I couldn’t look at him. I’d crumble if I did.

“Can you take me now?” I asked, my voice so quiet and full of emotion.

He reached out and placed his hand on my head. He gently let it fall, stroking my hair. He then leaned down and kissed the top of my head .

“Okay.”

I left my tea and slid from the stool. He held out his hand and I took it. “How about I take you now and then I’ll drop off some clothes and things later?”

I nodded. “I’d appreciate that. I need some work clothes for tomorrow.”

I knew I was leaving it all to him and I should have been packing myself, but I didn’t have the energy or the space in my mind to even think straight.

We left the house as Tony was walking towards it. I gave him a small smile and carried on walking while Sebastian stopped to talk to him. I didn’t want to hear. I waited beside the car, my head bowed.

When I heard the click of the locks being released, I opened the door myself and climbed in. I waited. Sebastian soon joined me in the driver’s seat. He looked at me and I stared back at him. I couldn’t work out what he was feeling, but his brow was furrowed.

“Are you mad at me?” I asked.

“Huh? God, no. Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know. It’s hard to read you sometimes.”

“I’m gutted, Ruby. I wanted you to move in here with me, but I’m happy you’re going to the flat. It’s not far, you could probably walk here if you wanted to. I’ve given you a key, I want you to keep it and come and go as you want... for now. ”

He started to say something else but paused. He then turned on the car and we drove from the house.

He was right, it was a five-minute car drive to a small mews. When he’d said flat , I’d expected a block of them. But the building he pulled up outside was a terraced house. I waited until he helped me from the car, and he pulled a key from his pocket. He handed it to me.

“It’s basement and ground, so you get the garden.”

“Come in with me?”

“Of course.”

He took the key from me, and we walked to a small metal gate that opened to a set of steps leading down below pavement level. There, I found a front door. It opened into a square hall with a tiled floor. The walls were painted white, but it wasn’t stark, it was cool.

“Straight through is the kitchen and lounge. It’s all open plan. Here’s a toilet,” he said, touching the handle of another door. “This side is a snug, or whatever you want to use it for.”

We walked through to the kitchen. I expected a kitchen, what I got was a huge room that extended out to a lovely garden. At the end were bi-fold doors that, when opened, would expose the whole back of the house to the elements. Against one wall was an open tread staircase with wooden treads and a glass balustrade. I looked up .

“Two bedrooms, both en-suit,” he said. It was then I noticed the sadness in his voice. “I’ll bring your laptop, some clothes for the next couple of days. There are toiletries here, I stayed here a month or so ago when I had the builders in at home. I can grab some food; they’ll be coffee I imagine.”

“I can order that. I have my phone here,” I said, tapping my pocket.

“Okay.” He sighed and stood with his hands in his trouser pockets. “I’ll go now. Let you settle in.”

I walked towards him and wrapped my arms around his waist. “It’s just temporary, Sebastian. Just until I can get my head around what I’ve learned. You do understand, don’t you?” I looked up at him.

“I think, maybe, it might be hard for you to reconcile the man you thought I was with the man I really am.”

“I’ve always known who you are,” I whispered. “You’re the man in the woods, in my dreams. I thought I feared you, but I understand, it wasn’t fear. I wasn’t running from you, Sebastian. I was trying to find you.”

His eyes searched mine. He nodded very gently but I wasn’t sure he was convinced. He kissed my lips and then walked away. I waited until I heard the front door close and then I wandered around.

It was a beautiful property, secluded and quiet. Perfect for me to regroup and decompress. The furniture and décor were muted tones. I opened a couple of cupboards in the kitchen and found some teabags, coffee, biscuits, the usual dry goods I’d expect to see. Mugs and plates were stacked in another cupboard. There were two bottles of wine, bottled water, and juice in the fridge. In the living area, there were two sofa’s and two large cuddle chairs, a television, and a bookcase. Sebastian liked to read, and I walked over to take a look. He had a diverse range of books, ranging from comedy to thrillers. I picked up a book, one that looked well read, and turned it over. I placed it on the arm of a sofa. Perhaps I’d order some groceries, a takeaway, and then just sit and read. Perhaps the words on the pages would quell the screams in my mind, my reality needed to be replaced by fiction. Whether it would work, or not, was another matter.

I walked upstairs to the bedrooms. As Sebastian had said, both were en-suit. One was a shower room, the other had a bath. In the larger of the two bedrooms, was a super king-sized bed with an ornate frame. I opened a wardrobe to see some of Sebastian’s clothes. I pulled out a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt. I’d wear those after I’d had a bath, I decided.

I held his clothes to my nose, there was a faint hint of him still on them. Tears pricked at my eyes.

“Only you,” I said to myself.

Only I could fall in love with someone as complicated as Sebastian .

My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I pulled it out.

“Hi, Monica,” I said, when I answered.

“Hi. Is everything okay? I had a call from the agency who said they couldn’t get access to collect the bed and things.”

“Oh, Jesus, yes.”

I told her what had happened. I didn’t tell her about Sebastian wanting to kill him, of course.

“He just showed up?”

“Yeah. Totally out of the blue. I sent him packing but I didn’t want to stay there in case her came back.”

“Where are you now?”

“I’m in Sebastian’s flat at the moment.”

“Is he with you? I’d hate you being on your own,” she said.

“No, he’s at his house. Monica, there’s a little more. I can’t tell you everything, but Sebastian knows him. They met when Sebastian was in prison, a juvenile place. He was involved in kidnapping children and selling them on.”

“Who? Sebastian?”

“No. My... him.” I wouldn’t use the word, father .

“What? Bloody hell, Ruby. Are you sure?”

I sighed. “Yes. I saw a folder on him, and his photograph was on the front. I... I don’t know how to process this right now, which is why I came here.”

“Do you want company?” she asked .

“I’m fine. I’m going to have a bath, and just chill out. I’ll order in a takeaway.”

“I can’t believe this.”

“Neither can I. I don’t know if my parents were even my parents,” I said, quietly.

“Oh, Ruby. Oh, baby girl. Please let me come over.”

“Honestly, I think I need to be on my own and process this,” I said. “What if I was one of the kidnapped kids?”

“I don’t know, Ruby. I mean, we can do DNA testing, I guess. You’d need something from your grandmother, I’d assume.”

I hadn’t thought about that, and it was a good idea. Or was it? Did I want to open that can of worms?

We said goodbye and I promised I’d call her if anything happened overnight, and that we’d speak the following day.

I pulled up a food delivery app and then realised, I had no idea of the postcode. I texted Sebastian.

Hi, I’m sorry to bother you. I need the full address here; I want to order some food in for tonight. I’m going to take a bath. I found some of your clothes that I’m going to wear. They still smell of you, and I’m glad. I miss you already. I’ve also had a thought. I don’t know how to go about this, but I need to get something from Grandma to see if I’m a DNA match. Will you help me? Ruby xxx

His reply was quick.

Have your bath, baby, I’ll order some food to arrive in about an hour for you. I’ve also arranged to have some groceries delivered. They’ll be there by nine, if that’s not too late. I miss you, too. And yes, I’m sure I can organise a DNA test, but is that a route you want to go down? I’m here for you, baby. I understand your need to be alone, I don’t like it, but... well, I’m here. I can be there in ten minutes if you need me. Sleep well, baby. Seb xxx

I placed my phone down and walked to the bath. I turned it on and found some bubbles to add. The room started to smell of lavender which I found very calming. I stripped and slipped under the water.

I lay thinking. Did I want to get a DNA test? What if it turned out she wasn’t my grandma? I shook my head. She’d always be my grandma, regardless of whether we were related or not. I then started to think about my mother. She hadn’t wanted me to call her mother, I’d assumed that was just her hippy shit. I’d called her by her real name. I tried to think about conversations, anything that had been said that would give me an idea of who she really was. Then I remembered. I sat up abruptly and reached for my phone. I dialled.

“I’m sorry. God, I just remembered something. When my mum was dying, she said she was so sorry for what she’d done. I thought she meant about being a shit mum, drunk all the time, that kind of thing. She said she’d pay in hell, and so would he. I didn’t really understand what she meant at the time. What if she was part of what he did? It would be easier for a woman to steal a child than a man, wouldn’t it? She never let me call her mum.”

“Ruby, slow down,” Sebastian said.

“What if they kidnapped me, Sebastian?”

I’d wanted a DNA test to see if I was related to him, until I thought about that conversation.

“I guess, if you want to know if that’s the case, there must be a way. But I repeat, baby, is that a route you want to go down?”

“I don’t know.” I sighed. “I’m sorry, I just thought of it and wanted to talk to you.”

I heard his sigh as well. “I can be there, if you want me to.” His voice had quietened.

I closed my eyes. “I’m fine. I chose a book and I’ll read. I’m going to sleep in your bed, and I’ll call you in the morning.” He sighed again. I guessed it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. “Just give me tonight, please?”

“Of course, baby,” he replied .

“I love you, Sebastian. I don’t expect you to say it back, not yet. And it’s still early days and all. But I just wanted you to know.”

“I wish I were with you,” he whispered.

“I know you do. And I’m grateful that you’ve given me this time here.”

“I’ll have my phone by my side, okay?”

“Okay. Good night, Sebastian.”

I settled back in the water and closed my eyes. Had my whole life been a lie?

When I couldn’t sit any longer, I climbed out and wrapped a large towel around myself and padded to the bedroom. I desperately wanted to change my mind, to call him and have him come and sit with me, but I didn’t think it was wise. I’d push for information, something I didn’t want. He possibly wouldn’t give me that information, I’d get shitty about it. I knew how I was, which was why I hoped he understood my need for distance.

Once dressed, I walked down and grabbed a bottle of water. I checked the time and then waited. The first knock on the door was groceries. I was grateful because I really wanted a cup of tea. I unpacked milk, bread, jam, butter, croissants, and eggs. It was a breakfast bag, I assumed. The second knock was a delivery driver with a Japanese takeaway. I plated up what I wanted and took it into the living room. I turned on some lamps and settled down to eat. I enjoyed my own company; I’d been in it for years. I also enjoyed the silence. The television had been on constantly at home for Grandma. Just to sit and hear nothing was calming.

I ate, I drank my water, and then made a cup of tea. Only then did I settled back to read.

The book only just held my attention. It had nothing to do with the plot or style of writing, it was the battle in my mind between the fiction and the fact.

I placed the book on the side and took my mug up to bed. I peeled off the joggers and sweatshirt, and naked, climbed under the duvet.

I didn’t remember being there for long before I drifted off to sleep.

At some point I felt a dip in the bed. Arms wrapped around me. I wasn’t fully awake but knew Sebastian was there. I snuggled into his side, placed my hand on his chest and inhaled his scent. He kissed my forehead.

When I woke, I was alone. I frowned as I sat up. Then I smiled. As before, his shirt was over a chair in the corner. He had been with me. He’d held me, and I silently thanked him for that. In addition, he’d brought me some clothes for work the following day.