Page 39 of Wedding Cake Carnage
“Hmm…” Cormack muses as she takes in the list of dicey offerings. “You know what they say. Ignorance is the parent of fear. I suggest we try a bit of everything.”
Before the three of us could smack some sense into her, by way of her menu, the music switches up and Donna Summer’s “Bad Girls” streams through the speakers at top volume.
A brunette with a heart-shaped face and her hair in wild waves hops on over. She’s wearing the requisite crop top paired with a gold lame skirt, and before I can scour her for a nametag, she steps over Cormack’s thirty thousand dollar Birkin bag and hops onto the table.
“Oh my God.” I scoot back in my seat as the enthusiastic table dancer twists and gyrates with the best of them. She does a high kick and the table tilts with her effort and both Everett and Noah grab ahold of it. The woman tosses her head left and right until her hair defies gravity, leaping in every direction like a dark flame. She drops to her knees, landing smack between Noah and Everett and whips off her top.
Holy mother of all things good.
I close my eyes a moment. Suddenly, we’re seeing far too much of the breasty brunette. She shakes her maracas at Everett, getting a little too close to him for my liking, and I’m about to slide a menu between them when she bounces over to Noah and does the very same thing. The song wraps up and she somehow manages to touch her forehead to her belly button before tossing her hands—among other things into the air.
Cormack offers a spontaneous applause, and I’m slow to follow. At this point, I’d do anything to get the nude princess and her perky peaks off the table. In fact, I’m about to tip the table over myself when I note that Noah is leaning his head to the side with a newfound curiosity.
“Monica?” He tips his head back as his eyes grow wide. “MonicaPeeler?”
Ha! Noah is so smart. He’s clearly using a tried-and-true tactic where you spout off a fake last name in hopes they’ll correct you and—
She stops cold as her mouth drops open. “Oh my God,Foxy? No-No? Is that really you?”
Everett slams his hand down over the table. “Monica Peeler.”
She does a double take his way. “Essex?”
Cormack and I exchange a horrified look.
“Hey, hey, the gang’s all here!” She’s got an ear-to-ear grin that has no signs of letting up. Monica lets out a hoot as she brings both Everett and Noah into a rather chesty group hug. Since she’s still hiked on her knees, she’s a head above the rest and both Noah and Everett look as if they’re being smothered with all that naked flesh. Not to miss out on the fun, Beasty wiggles his way into the mix.
Wow, he is such a boy.
In a moment of mercy, Monica hops off the table and pops back on her T-shirt, albeit inside out.
“So, what have you rascals been up to?” She gives Noah’s ear a quick yank and it looked painful. I hope it was.
Everett points to Noah. “You called it, Monica. He’s a glorified narc.”
Noah averts his eyes. “And he takes pleasure out of locking people up.”
She moans out a husky laugh. “Oh honey, some things never change.”
Great. Not only does Monica recognize No-No and Essex, but I’m betting she’s familiar with them both in the biblical sense.
Noah nods my way. “Monica, I’d love for you to meet Lottie Lemon and Cormack Featherby.”
She gasps as she looks to Cormack. “TheCormack Featherby? As in Coconut Featherhead?” Something between a sneeze and scream emits from her mouth and… wait a minute. I think she’s laughing. “Oh, I’m sorry!” She wipes her eyes with her pinkies. “But I’m brought right back to the days where these two used to war it out over you. So, who was the victor?” Her shoulders wiggle as she leans in to Cormack. “Let me guess. You’re still taking them both for a ride.”
“Future Mrs. Fox.” She shoves her faux engagement ring at the girl. “And how, may I ask, do you know the boys?”
“My mother is the head housekeeper at the Baxter house. I grew up with Essex. That boy taught me everything I know.” She gives him a cheeky wink. “The things we did in that laundry chute, in that kitchen pantry, in that dirty,dirtymudroom.”
“We get the picture,” I snip without meaning to. Oh heck, I meant it.
Everett winces. “Monica was the glue that kept Noah, Alex, and me together.”
“And don’t forget Meg Meg.” She shoots Everett with her fingers. “She’s my sister from another mister.” She socks Noah on the arm, and again it looks like it hurt. “What’s up? What brings you to a dive like this?”
Everett tips his head back as he looks to Noah. “Just taking our girls on a nice night out. What’s edible around here?”
“The nachos. Let’s face it. Nobody is coming in for the food.”