Page 38 of We Live Here Now

37

Emily

“I’m really sorry about this morning, Em.” As we get in the car, I can tell from his face that he means it. He’s almost forlorn. Ashamed of himself. “And last night. I don’t know why I was so shitty. Whatever is or isn’t going on in the house it’s obviously freaking you out a bit and I need to be more respectful of that. Especially as you’ve been on your own there for a few days.”

His hand reaches across for mine and I take it. This is my Freddie. This is my husband. My heart lifts again, and I feel as bad as he does. “I’m sorry too. I know you worry about me. And I know you called Dr. Canning with the best of intentions.”

Away from the house, full of great food and with a warming wine buzz, once again I’m second-guessing myself. Were there letters in the mirror? Was it my imagination? Maybe I should go and see Dr. Canning. Get more pills.

“But is everything okay with you ?” I hold his hand, enjoying the familiar feel of him. “You’re not normally so snappy.”

“Stuff at work. The new boss is constantly in my inbox even though I’m moving branches.” He looks the other way as we pull back onto the lane. “I need to manage it better. Especially on weekends. I shouldn’t take it out on you.”

I look at the passing moors, so barren even in the sunshine. I can’t warm to them, and I don’t think I ever will. The isolation and unforgiving nature of this place frightens me. I miss the city, I realize, with its constant noise and people. Safety and freedom of numbers. I miss my friends too. Before my accident, Cat, Iso, and I were constantly WhatsApping one another. If not every day, then never more than a couple of days without a ping. But I guess that fell by the wayside for them when I was in the hospital and it’s hard to pick up again. Especially with me just hanging around at home so far away. No drinks after work, no gossip, no buzz.

Ahead the house looms into view, alone on its hilltop, patiently waiting for our return. “They’re very happy, aren’t they, Sally and Joe?” Freddie adds from nowhere, thoughtfully.

“They certainly look that way. And she doesn’t seem at all bothered about all those women’s vaginas everywhere.” We laugh again and I squeeze Freddie’s hand. “We’re happy too, aren’t we?”

“God, of course, yes. Always.” He sounds so surprised that I’m even asking. “Especially now that you’re home and well.” He grins at me and winks. Not the Hollywood star–style of wink that Joe probably has, but it has a charm of its own. “And when we get inside, Mrs. Bennett, I’m going to show you just how happy I am.”

“Oh really?”

“Really.”

Suddenly it’s like the old days, the early days, way back when we first met and impulsive afternoon sex was something we thought we’d never stop doing. Back when we couldn’t get enough of each other. We are okay. We will be okay.

There’s nothing wrong with the house , I tell myself as Freddie unlocks the door, and I follow him in over the threshold, already eager to get upstairs and get our clothes off. It’s just me. It’s all in my head.