Page 22 of We Live Here Now

21

Freddie

More frost comes overnight, hardening the earth like concrete, and my breath hangs in crystals as I hurry to my car in the midnight blue of the early morning, the moon still bright in the sky overhead. In front of me the moor could be an ocean, it’s so dark.

I didn’t wake Emily to say goodbye, instead leaving a note in the kitchen. She’s still pissed off at me for burning the Ouija board, even if she wouldn’t come out and have the argument about it, instead just giving me the silent treatment. Always the victim, Emily. How she loves playing that role. Even though I lost a child too.

There are plenty of things about Freddie I used to find charming but now just annoy the shit out of me so much I could happily strangle him.

The front door hadn’t been closed properly when she and Russell were talking outside, and when I brought Cat’s bag down for her, it creaked open in the breeze, carrying Emily’s quiet sentence inside. I didn’t hear more, Cat and Iso clattering down the stairs too loudly, but the words stung, and as she went back to bed to sleep the day away, I was left alone in the cold of the old house and had plenty of time to think about all the things I used to find sweet about her that if I’m honest drive me mad now. My thoughts were bees buzzing in my head. And what was that Find it business? Did she suspect something? I don’t even remember fetching the Ouija board to burn it, but god it felt good pushing it into the flames and knowing how much it would piss her off.

I pull out onto the road, relieved to be leaving Larkin Lodge behind, and as the miles go by my head clears in the morning air. When I finally reach the motorway, my mood toward Emily has lifted. I was stupid to react so badly. She didn’t say anything too terrible, and she’s right—people do end up irritating each other. I shouldn’t have burned her Ouija board, however stupid I think it is. Aside from anything else, I can’t risk annoying her too much right now. I don’t want her getting suspicious of me.

That makes me turn my thoughts to the much more pressing situation I’ve got myself into. Despite all my promises to myself to stop it, I somehow got in deeper over the weekend, and I can’t even understand why.

The only thing I do know is that I need to get myself out of this shit one way or another.