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THE BUTTERFLY
I t’s as if the moment, my hands grip the edge of the chair I’m sitting in, the cheap vinyl squeaking beneath the pressure. The room feels stifling, the low hum of the ceiling fan above doing nothing to ease the oppressive weight pressing on my chest.
I’m clearly losing my mind once again. A ghost just walked into this interrogation room, and no one did a damn thing. Not even the officer standing by the door. She saw him, didn’t she?
“You saw him, come in here didn’t you? The man with the baseball cap and skull mask?”
I stand up whilst my hands slam on the cold metal table, shaking, as I scream at him, "You saw him, didn’t you?! He was standing there with his cap and skull mask!" My voice cracks with panic, with disbelief. My breath comes out in desperate gasps.
"Calm down," the officer says. "You need to calm down. Agent Turner didn’t have a cap nor a skull mask."
"Calm down?! How the hell do you want me to calm down when he was here ?!" I scream, my voice echoing off the walls. I can feel my chest tightening, my body shaking like a leaf in a storm. "Didn’t you see him?! He—he’s DEAD!"
The officer steps closer, her voice softening, but I can hear the faint edge of irritation. “You're not making sense. Agent Turner wasn’t wearing a mask. Nor a cap. Nor is he dead. Take a deep breath."
"I am not crazy! He was right there! I saw him die ! Don’t you get it?!" I slam my hands on the table again, and my fingers tremble. "He was... he was supposed to be dead!"
The officer steps back, her brow furrowing. "You're scaring yourself. You need to settle down, now. I see this thing all the time. You saw a man die in front of you and then you ran for your life. It’s natural to think like…”
“You’re not listening,” I grab her by the shoulders, and get her to face me. She has to hear what I’m saying to her.
"You saw him, didn’t you?!" I demand again. "Tell me you saw him, tell me I'm not losing my mind! "
The officer takes a deep breath, as if she's had enough. "You need to calm down. If you don’t settle down, we’ll have to restrain you."
I back away, my hands reaching out, fingers trembling. "No, no, no! He’s dead! I saw him die!"
“Yes you saw a man die, but it wasn’t that FBI agent.”
I nod, then shake my head, confused about how far this conversation should go.
“Hazel, you’ve been through a traumatic experience. I get that you’re spooked, but just try to relax.”
It’s then that it dawns on me. No one knows who I am.
I want to go to a place where I don’t know the difference between day and night. “I’ll feel so much better in a place that I’ve been before.” My voice croaks slightly at the end as I try to compose myself and figure out if craziness is the best way to act in order for her to sent me to the loony bin.
Right now fear takes over me, because my hands won’t stop shaking. It’s as if the nerves have gotten a hold of me. I’m scared to die? Yes, I feel the need to live, and I can come back from the dead, just like the agent.
I want to go to a place where there is no confusion, but revealing too much to her may make her look into my past only to discover that I’ve never been there before, as Hazel. Maybe Dr. Julia will help, because I did tell her about my trip to the asylum a while ago, and she may confirm with the police that someone as unstable as I may be better off being locked up.
“An asylum,” I say, the word almost delicate on my tongue. I glance around quickly, even though we’re the only ones in the interrogation room and we’re clearly being watched on the other side.
It’s as if she’s waiting for me to break out in laughter, or to wave her off and say it was all a misunderstanding. But I don’t. Instead, I hold her gaze, my hands trembling slightly as they rest on my sides. Maybe she can see the seriousness in my eyes, the sadness that’s lodged itself so deeply in my chest it’s become a part of me. Maybe she understands that I mean every word I’m saying.
Her brows knit together, a flicker of uncertainty crossing her face. “Ma’am, we can’t do that. We can’t go locking…”
“Please,” I cut her off, my voice pleading now. “I don’t feel safe going back to my apartment, because the murderer might have seen me, and know that I’m a witness. Even though I never saw his face. I gave you a full description. He was heavily overweight and wore a dark hoodie and sweats. I didn’t see more than that, it was dark.”
“Yes, but we’ll have a car outside your apartment, making sure you’re safe.”
“Safe?” I ask.
“Just like the man who was killed instead of me.”
The only reason anyone would try to harm me, is if they are from my past.
“Look what he did to that man on the street.”
She nods. “He was trying to protect you. The agent’s cousin.”
“Cousin?” I repeat.
She covers her mouth as if she’s said too much. She has, because there’s no way she should have told me that, not that it makes me feel any better. I remember that night like the back of my hand: the night the agent killed my aunt. I remember how he smelled, how he walked, how he talked. There’s no way his cousin, who did everything exactly the way he did, the man that just walked in.
I just won’t sleep tonight or never again, I need something to take me out.
“I want to be somewhere where I feel safe. I have a therapist. You can talk to her.”
The officer’s face softens, her blue eyes searching mine for something—truth, perhaps, or a sign that I’m exaggerating. But she won’t find it.
“Alright,” she murmurs, almost to herself. “Let me see what we can do.”
I start by giving her the name of my therapist, Dr. Julia, along with all her details. I tell her to call her and say that it is an emergency.
I told Dr. Julia that when I was raped by my aunt’s husband, I went to a mental institute. It helped curb my fear, and whenever I feel unable to control my emotions, it is the place I want to go. She’ll want me to go there because she’ll remember the conversation we’ve had more than once. It’s as if it hits me like a tidal wave, that my trips to see my therapist have been useful after all, for once they’ll get the exact thing I need, which is to be safe.
Table of Contents
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- Page 9
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- Page 17
- Page 18
- Page 19
- Page 20
- Page 21
- Page 22 (Reading here)
- Page 24
- Page 25
- Page 26
- Page 27
- Page 28
- Page 29
- Page 30
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- Page 44