Page 43 of Unseen

The hot water was like balsam, my bones aching and weary from being rattled about in the train and then the carriage. The sound of rain caught my attention, and I gazed over at the window. No, not rain. Sleet. It brushed and whispered along the window panes, and I sank deeper into the hot water.

Winter was on our doorstep, and soon it would be Christmastime.

I had never liked Christmas. It was an empty holiday, a time of dark and cold days, hardly brightened by the decorations and candles. At least not for me. I had been Acton’s wife for only three Christmas seasons, and not one had been memorable.

Christmas is meant for children , he’d mumble from his chair, scowling at the tree and at me in turn, lamenting the fact that I’d not yet fallen pregnant.

I placed a hand on my stomach, another cramp tugging at my insides. I was not with child now, that much was certain, but I wondered what it would be like, what it would feel like to have another person doing somersaults inside me. The thought was almost frightening.

I’d always liked children, with their bright eyes and probing questions. Children were honest, and forthright. But babies always seemed so alien to me, tiny little creatures crying lustily for milk and making a right old mess constantly.

As I continued to stroke my stomach, pondering my impending motherhood, I wondered if I’d even be any good at it.

Azriel seemed determined not to let a child suffer the way we had suffered, but could we really be so different?

Were two people as broken as we both were even capable of breaking such a cycle?

I looked down at the bathwater as tiny roses of blood blossomed on the surface.

Then, like a brutal jousting stick, reality crashed through all my thoughts of being a mother, of bearing Azriel a child.

For it was more than possible that at this moment, he was fighting to even stay married to me.

That my family had decided to pursue him, to annul our marriage, even to involve the arch-bishop himself.

There was no baby now, and perhaps there never would be. And for the life of me, I could not understand why at that moment, with Winter brushing its icy fingers along the window, that thought made me burst into tears, and sob my heart out over the edge of the tub.

I awaited Azriel’s return for hours. It had grown dark, and still I waited by the fire, my hands curled around my hot cup of tea. Mary had fetched me a hot water bottle, which lay in my lap, and while I was now warm and comfortable, I was no less anxious.

It was almost 8 o’clock by the time heavy footsteps sounded outside my door, which opened to admit my husband, his face set in a scowl.

“You are back,” I said as he crossed the room to sit opposite me, angrily toeing off his boots and kicking them away from him. “I was waiting for you.”

He gave me a quick smile. “You are sweet. I am sorry I was so long.”

“What happened? ”

He eyed the bundle in my lap, and lifted an eyebrow. "Troubles?”

“Just, uh, my… well… I am somewhat indisposed.”

“You are bleeding.” He sighed heavily. “So, no child then.”

“No, not yet.”

“Yet?” Azriel sprawled back in his chair. “Do not tell me you are in hope of having my offspring now? When you were so adamant that you hated me mere hours ago.”

“You are impossible.” I brought the cup to my mouth and sipped my tea, staring intently at the fire. “You are impossible to love, to be close to.”

“Well then perhaps you would welcome our marriage being annulled.”

My heart leapt into my throat and my eyes were torn back to his face. “Is that what is to happen? Is that why you went to the lawyer?”

Azriel held my gaze for a moment, before sighing heavily and shaking his head. “No. At least, that is not entirely why I went to the lawyer.”

“Is it my family?”

“No, it is my business.” He rubbed his forehead with his fingers, squinting his eyes shut. “Several of my business associates have expressed concern over how my rather hasty marriage to my father’s widow will make them look, and have asked me to consider our agreements over the next months.”

I frowned, shaking my head. “What does that mean?”

Azriel rose to his feet and walked towards the fire, gazing down into the leaping flames.

“It means that while they do not approve of my marriage, the money I may make them is more important than their scruples. Therefore, they have requested we do not appear in public together until the New Year, to allow the matter to settle and be forgotten.”

“So I am to be a prisoner in this house? Marvellous.” I set down my cup on the table beside me with a huff. “This is an outrage.”

“We are the outrage, beloved.” Azriel turned to face me. “But at least we shall not be penniless in all of this.”

“Money, money, money, it is always about money.” I got to my feet, tossing the heavy hot water bottle and the blanket onto the armchair before going over to my bed. “You may leave now.”

“I shall not.”

I scowled at him. “I am indisposed. You shall have to go elsewhere for your pleasure tonight.”

“I shall not leave your chamber.” He yanked at his tie, then unbuttoned his shirt, revealing his chest, and I hated myself for the desire that leapt into my being at the sight. “I desire comfort, wife.”

“You shall find none here.” I continued to glare at him as he removed his clothing until he was standing before me only in his shirt. “I asked you to go.”

“And since when have I ever done your bidding?”

“Get out.”

“And if I wanted to brush your hair, and rub your shoulders while I held you?” He asked, sidling towards the bed. “What if I wanted to be gentle with you? Kind to you?”

“You are incapable of kindness,” I spat back, climbing into the bed and pulling the blankets up to my chin. “Now get out.”

“You will not push me away.” He approached the bed, removing his shirt, and climbing in beside me completely naked. He sat beside me, reaching out to stroke my cheek, his expression becoming menacing when I jerked my face away. “Why do you insist on rejecting me?”

“Because the moment I feel that you are showing me kindness, or love, you ruin it. You ruin everything. You make me f-feel like a f-fool.” Sobs snatched at my voice, dragging it down and away, and I threw myself onto my side, my back to him.

“You are impossible to love, and perhaps, so am I.” I squeezed my eyes shut as he nestled himself against my back.

“Why are you crying?” He asked softly, his fingers stroking through my hair.

“Because I am angry.”

“Because I have hurt you.” He ran a hand down my back. “Because I am uncouth, and conceited.”

“Leave me alone.”

“No.”

I turned over to face him, slapping an open hand against his chest, which was warm and smooth under my touch, and made me hate him even more.

“Stop it. If you are going to spend eternity pushing and pulling, never letting me rest, never letting me find comfort in your presence, then I do not want it.”

“You are the one who will not let me in, beloved.” He ran a hand down the side of my face, brow furrowed as he gazed at me.

“You are the one who will give me your body, but nothing more. You remained locked up, distant from me. You wish to seek comfort in my presence, and then push me away when it is offered.”

“Because in the next moment you will threaten, or laugh, or hide yourself away.” I tried to turn away from him, but he grasped my hand, laying it against his chest and curling his own over it to hold me in place. “Stop it, Azriel.”

“Evangeline, listen to me.”

I blinked at him in the dim light, sure it was the first time he had used my proper name.

“Listen to me,” he repeated softly, moving closer to me, our hands caught between us. “I will never deserve you, I know that. But I will try. I will try every day, and I know I shall fail. But I will never stop trying. ”

“Those are simply words.” I sniffled, closing my eyes. “They do not mean anything.”

“I know, beloved. But you also told me once that you trusted me.”

“Because I have no choice.” I wrenched my hand away again, desperate to separate myself from his warmth and the smell of his skin. “I never have a choice, in none of this have I ever had a choice.”

He rolled me onto my back, gazing down at me, his face a twisted mix of desire and desperation. “Then choose me. Here, and now. Choose me, Evie.”

An errant tear ran down the side of my face, and I shook my head. “I cannot choose you.”

“Why?”

“Because I should not want to!” I cried, and the honesty of the confession was so sudden it surprised us both. “I should not want to choose the man who threatened me, who forced me into a marriage, who ruined my name and my reputation, who… Who… did those things to me in his bed.”

Azriel’s eyes smouldered with something untold and forbidden. “You feel you should not… But you want to.”

I bit my lips together, my eyes searching his face, wondering how to escape this.

He had tricked me into vulnerability, and yet I could not conjure up the same hate I had felt for him.

I could not hate him. Even if I did not love him yet, even if my heart was still guarded as our future remained unclear, I knew that I wanted him.

From whatever dark and wicked place that want came from, I did not know and I did not care.

I nodded. “Yes, I want to. I want to be your wife, in every way, in every way I was not allowed to be a wife before.”

With a hungry groan, Azriel buried his face in the crook of my neck, biting and kissing my skin, raising my hands above my head and pinning me down beneath him .

“Azriel,” I breathed as his mouth moved along my collarbone. “You cannot. I… My bleeding.”

He raised his head, his lips full and warm. “If you want me, you may have me, blood be damned. But I will not force you.”

The thought should not have aroused any feelings within me, but god help me, it did. It felt a step too far, another fall down into the pits of depravity I found myself tumbling into every day.