Page 19 of Unseen

PLEASURE IS THE WAY TO MADNESS

L ight flooded my bedroom, and Mary’s cheery voice was saying something about a wonderful morning and a lovely day, and all I wanted to do was cry or scream.

I wanted to rage that it was anything but a lovely day.

I was so exhausted that all I wanted to do was roll over and go straight back to sleep.

At least in dreams I was not here, not in this dreaded reality.

Mary’s joy instantly dissolved as her eyes landed on me. “Madam?” She stepped closer, dipping her head as though to inspect an unexpected creature in my bed. “Madam? Is everything alright?”

I sat up, rubbing my eyes and nodding weakly. “Yes, everything is perfect.”

“Whatever happened to you?” Mary sat at the edge of my bed, brows pulled down as she peered at my face. “Your neck, it’s all red. Are you ill?”

“No, Mary, I’m not ill.” I was merely covered in all the marks of Azriel’s possession.

“I’m… I simply…” On nothing but sheer instinct, I reached out to take her hand, clutching it tightly, as though she was an anchor to my former life.

My form er self. The person I’d been before Azriel had violated me and stolen the last shred of my dignity from me.

“Something has happened, and I need you to understand that if you feel compelled to leave my service, I would not blame you. I would not be angry.”

Mary’s fingers wrapped more tightly around mine, and she leaned closer, her brow drawn down and her eyes filled with worry. “Madam, nothing could make me leave you. What are you saying?”

I took a deep breath, my chest tight and threatening to constrict the release of any words at all. I knew they had to come, I had to say it out loud. It was all becoming too real now, and I surely could not fight this any longer.

But as I looked back into her face, I could not bring myself to utter those words. Admitting to it, in the face of this sweet girl who was so concerned for me… I could not do it. Not now. I needed just a few more days before my fall from grace was complete.

Perhaps I was simply a coward. Perhaps I thought that if I did not say it now, I would soon wake up and find it had all been but a bad dream.

“I was not always a good wife,” I finally said, words tumbling out of me with no forethought. “I was not always so loving to my husband as I should have been. And last night when I prayed, I found… I found myself admitting that perhaps I had been relieved that he had died.”

I dared to keep my eyes on Mary’s face, and a brief flash of confusion crossed her face.

“Madam, do you mean… You are glad Mr Caine is dead?”

“I do not know,” I said, fresh, salty tears biting at my eyes. “I know it is awful to say, but… Oh Mary, I am the most dreadful person in the world, truly.”

“No, no, madam, do not say such things.” Mary sighed heavily, keeping a hold of my hand. “I think… I do not know mu ch of love, and perhaps I am a little simple. But… Mr Caine, he was, well, he was so much older than you. I do not mean to speak ill of the dead, but…”

“You may speak freely, Mary.” The words felt heavy on my tongue, because I certainly wasn’t speaking freely, not as I should have.

“I only mean to say that perhaps, well…” Mary shifted awkwardly, taking two small, huffed breaths before continuing on.

“I could understand that it would not be a dream for a young woman to marry such an old man. And whether or not you loved him, it does not matter, for the situation was as it was. You are young, and beautiful, and he was so very much older. No one would think less of you for wanting a young and handsome husband.”

I swallowed hard. If that had indeed been my wish - which it had certainly been, on the nights when I was not cursing every man in the world straight into the depths of Hell - perhaps I had wished a little too hard.

“I cannot imagine why you would think that this would make me want to leave you.” Mary’s voice wavered with uncertainty. “Surely you do not think so little of me?”

“It is not you that made me think so, sweet Mary.” I squeezed her hand, and now that I had denied the truth, it made lying so much easier. “I am meant to provide you a good Christian home in which to work, so your family knows you are safe.”

“Your thoughts do not make you any less Christian.”

I laughed sadly. “Do they not?”

“Even if they did, it is not my place to judge what you feel, for your husband, or about yourself. That is between you and God.”

“You are right.” A tear slid down my cheek, and Mary put a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“Oh, madam, do not cry. ”

“I wish… I just wish…” I wanted so badly to tell her what had happened, to unburden myself of the previous night.

And moreover, I knew I had to set the scene for what was to come.

While I did not want to tell her now, I knew that I had to somehow lay the way for the revelation to come as less of a shock.

“I just wish I had some clarity. That I knew what to do next. Two years, all alone… Never… Never knowing happiness, or love, or… Oh god, it pains me to say it, but even the touch of another man. That makes me sound so vile, does it not?”

“No!” Mary threw her arms around me, hugging me close. “Madam, no, it does not make you sound vile at all. And I think, being in a house with Mr Azriel, well, it would not help, would it?”

My veins coursed with ice, and my mouth went dry. “Wh-what do you mean?”

Mary sat back, sighing with a small smile. “He is young, and handsome. Everything a suitor ought to be. And perhaps I am wrong in saying this, but a much more sensible match for you, madam. Perhaps that makes the situation all the more pointed.”

I stared at her with open horror I could not disguise.

The more sensible match . Now I truly wanted to rage, to tell her how I had fought for my honour, tried to preserve my dignity in the face of Azriel Caine.

Young and handsome, certainly, but also cunning and terrifying.

As beautiful and dangerous as the devil himself.

But I had not fought truly, had I? I had made sounds I had never before heard fall from my lips. I had come undone under his touch. Instead of my performance moving into its second act, the quietly grieving widow was about to be replaced by Fallen Woman, one locked into an illicit marriage.

Mary shook her head anxiously, taking my hands again. “ Madam, I am sorry, I spoke out of turn. Please, do not think I meant-”

“No, it is alright.” I forced a smile upon my face, shaking my head. “I know what you meant, and you are right, of course. Azriel is certainly the more sensible match, and he shall, no doubt, find a very… suitable woman, very soon. And I shall be happy for him.”

The lies were making my head spin. “Be a dear and fetch me some breakfast would you?” I extracted my hands from hers, and rose from the bed with a stretch. “After that I would very much like to go to church.”

Mary, bless her, did not ask any more questions, simply did my bidding, and quietly left the room.

I ate my breakfast in silence, and Mary set about taking out a dress, a simple black mourning gown with ruffled lace at the sleeves and a full skirt.

The ruse would continue for now, my eyes flitting over the colourful dresses lurking at the back of the armoire.

I could not even imagine wearing them again.

And yet, within a few short days, I would be.

I did not know why I wanted to go to church. I wasn’t a Catholic, I couldn’t go to a priest and confess my sins in exchange for absolution. Not that I would trust one with my secrets. Those were too grave to entrust to anybody.

Father Price would surely be surprised to see me again, on this dreary day. But I could not abide being in the house.

The carriage ride was comfortable, Mary chattering away in her friendly tone, pointing out the people she knew as we passed them on the street. As I watched her bright face, I was glad I had not yet burdened her with my shame, and a lump formed in my throat as I thought of finally telling her.

This sweet girl came from a good family, all in service.

Decent people. People who did their duty quietly and graciously.

The thought of this good, simple family judging me somehow felt like the worst judgement of all.

For Mary would have to tell them, they would find out somehow anyway.

Would they summon her away? I could not blame them if they did.

“You did love him though, didn’t you?”

Her sudden question broke earnestly through the local gossip, and I blinked at her for a moment.

“Mr Caine?”

Mary nodded. “Yes. You did love him, despite, well, everything?”

I did not know how to tell Mary that I doubted Acton had ever even known what love was. He had understood possession, and ownership, and nothing more. I had been a shiny, pretty thing for him to have on his arm.

“Of course I loved him,” I lied, so easily, so well rehearsed. “It took its time, of course, but I loved him as a wife should love her husband. I had no reason not to.”

“I just know he loved you.” Mary’s voice was almost wistful, and a dreamy look overtook her face. “Love at first sight, I’m sure of it. To have such a beauty as a bride. He was surely the envy of the whole of London.”

I did not know what to say, so I simply smiled. I was sure that even if Acton had been the envy of London with his beautiful bride on his arm, I had been the laughingstock of it. I had seen the titters behind fans, the emphasised side glances at every ball we had attended.

I wondered for a moment if it had been that way for Azriel - had it, in fact, been love at first sight for him?

Had he looked upon me and been so hell-bent on having me, that the second his father was out of the way, he’d had to claim me?

What if Azriel’s intentions were pure, and true, and simply sullied by the influence of a father who’d never known any motivation but his own selfishness?