Page 28 of Unseen

MY GHOST

R eturning to the house as Mrs Caine once more was almost surreal. The servants did not know where to look, or how to be. Were congratulations in order? Should they seek out a bottle of champagne? I do not think any of us truly knew what to do, especially in the face of Azriel’s swagger.

He, of course, was triumphant.

He had won.

The enormous diamond glittered on my hand, and it burned like a brand.

The more I looked at it, the more garish it seemed, and I knew for certain that Azriel meant it as an insult to his father.

The ring Acton had given had been a small, demure band, set with a few diamonds.

This was a ring that would make Queen Victoria herself envious.

“Madam,” Mary said gently, taking off my shawl and shaking the rain droplets from it. “May I offer my congratulations?”

“You certainly may,” Azriel replied loudly, shrugging off his coat and handing it to the man who came rushing from the side passage. “Have someone go down to the market and fetch roses. Two dozen.” He cast me a side glance. “Red ones?”

I shook my head. “Pink.”

He grinned. “Of course. Pink roses, for my beautiful lady wife."

“Certainly, sir.” The man gave a stiff nod, taking Azriel’s hat and disappearing as quickly as he had arrived.

“Does madam require anything more?” Mary asked haltingly.

“No, thank you, Mary.” I removed my bonnet, and handed it to her along with the pins. “I am rather tired. I might go and rest for a while.” I hesitated, and turned to Azriel. “As long as you do not object, husband.”

His eyes flared at the word, and he shook his head. “No, in fact, I think a rest would do you well. Perhaps even a bath.”

He strode from the room, and in his absence I felt truly for a moment, an unmoored ship tossed upon a churning sea.

There I stood, a new bride, with no family to welcome me or friends to congratulate me.

No wedding. No party. And now, not even a husband in the same room as I.

It was almost anti-climactic, to be left thus.

What did I do now? How did I settle into this life?

And then I realised that before me still lay the task of informing my family, a task I could not very well delay any longer.

Mary was still hovering around me, her eyes moving from the doorway Azriel had disappeared through, and back to me. I cleared my throat, clutching my hands together so she did not see them trembling.

“Mary, I need a telegram sent to my aunt, today.”

Mary nodded, wariness etched into her face. “Of course, madam. ”

“I shall write it down for you, and please go directly to the post office while I rest.”

She reached out and put a hand over mine, her brow furrowed. “Madam, are you…” She trailed off.

I think we both knew it was fruitless to ask if I was well, if everything was well. We both knew what lay ahead, what was coming for me, and what it meant for my family. There was hardly any point in dwelling on it.

Instead, dutiful Mary lifted her eyes to mine with a reassuring smile, and squeezed my hand.

“I shall go directly. And I promise you, all will be well.”

That letter was the hardest one I had ever had to write, not least of all because it was not even a letter.

It had to be short, to the point. A telegram did not allow for explanations, but I needed my family to hear the news from me before it reached their ears through other channels.

And I knew it would, no doubt it would. Someone had to have seen us over on Fulham Road, on a busy morning.

Me, in a blue dress and having my hand kissed by my stepson.

God only knew how far the news had already travelled.

Dear Aunt, I wrote. I have accepted Azriel Caine’s hand in marriage. I am exceedingly happy. Tell Father I love him. Please come and see me soon. Your loving niece, Evangeline.

It sounded vacuous. It sounded delighted.

It sounded like all the things I certainly should not be when I had barely just buried a husband.

But I could not give even a hint that I felt regret, or remorse.

That way lay danger. If Azriel sniffed even a hint of my attempting to paint him as the blackmailing villain…

I clenched my eyes shut and stuffed the letter into an envelope. It did not even bear thinking about .

“Mary!” I rose to my feet, the envelope clutched in my sweaty hand. “Mary!”

She came rushing in from the other room, her needlework still in hand. “Madam?”

“Please go and take this down to the post office yourself, and…” I realised as I handed her the letter that the news would arrive at the post office first. No concealed letter.

A telegram that everyone in my home town would know about by the afternoon.

The true weight of what was about to befall me landed squarely on my shoulders, and I staggered, clasping onto the back of the chair.

“Madam, please, lie down.” Mary took my hand, attempting to guide me to the bed.

I shook her off, clutching my hand to my chest. “I am well, please, just go and take this letter to the post office, and take it yourself. My family must… they must be informed.”

“Of course, madam.” Mary’s face spoke volumes, but she obediently tucked the letter into the pocket of her pinafore. “I will see to it at once.”

“Thank you.” I watched her leave, a door closing somewhere off in the distance.

I sagged against the chair, draping myself over the back of it and holding my head in my hands.

I could not even begin to imagine my father’s face when he was told.

I knew to expect a visit from my aunt in the next days. The outrage would be immense.

The door opened behind me, and I sighed.

“What is it, Mary?” I asked, straightening and rubbing my neck with my fingertips.

“I just thought I’d see after my bride.”

I spun around at the deep voice, and there stood my new husband. He was still in his trousers and waistcoat, but had removed his necktie, so now his shirt hung open, revealing his strong chest.

“Are you well, beloved?” He asked as he closed the door softly behind him. “You look so pale.”

“A permanent state these days, I think.” I brushed the hair from my forehead. “I have just written to my aunt.”

“Not your father?” He crossed the room slowly to come and stand beside the desk.

“No, not my father. He is… He is not well, and this news…” I sucked in a breath, moving away from him to stand by the window. “It is better that it comes from my aunt. It will distress him.”

“He will get used to it.”

I growled out my frustration as I turned on him with balled fists. “How can you be so indifferent? Do you have any idea what you have done? What we have done?”

“Do I look as though I care?” Azriel leaned back on the desk, raking a hand through his hair. “I told you before that I never sought society’s good opinion, for I never had it in the first place. And if you think my father did, then you are not as intelligent as I thought.”

“Oh, go to hell.” I exhaled through my gritted teeth, spinning to gaze out the window at the ever-falling rain. “I know what people thought of him, of… of me. But for god’s sake, at least it was legal. At least it was decent.”

“You and your talk of decency.” Azriel huffed out a laugh. “Always so eager to be decent, and yet your actions show you are anything but.”

Fury burned in my veins as I cast a poisonous gaze across the room. “Is that why you wanted me? Because you considered me as depraved as you are yourself?”

He shrugged. “Perhaps.”

I flew at him, slapping him hard across the face. “Stop acting like this! Like nothing matters!” I pounded my hands into his chest. “Like this is all just a game to you! You have ruined my life, and for what? ”

He seized my wrists and pulled me into him. “Then tell me why you have always hated me. And be honest. Tell the truth now, my little viper, and don’t just pretend.”

“Because you watched!” I screamed in his face, and angry tears scalded my cheeks.

“Because you stood by and watched that wretched old man marry me, just like everyone else did! And you let me believe that you hated me ! You let me believe I was all alone instead of… Instead of…” I trailed off, shaking my head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does.” Azriel released my hands to take my chin between his fingers, forcing my head up so I looked at him through the blurred veil of my tears. “It does matter.”

I slapped his hand away, furiously dashing at my cheeks. “Do not show me tenderness now, not when you’ve utterly ruined me. It is unbecoming.”

“You are right, though.”

I dropped my hands with a sigh. “What do you mean?”

“That I watched. I was jealous, and angry, and incredibly stupid.”

“There was nothing you could have done anyway. My anger was misplaced. But you wanted the truth, so there it is.” I met his eyes, seeing love and lust and anger burning in them. “I felt utterly alone. But I wasn’t, was I? You were always there, unseen, hiding in the shadows. My ghost.”

“ Your ghost.” His dark gaze softened, and he took a step towards me. “I was always yours.”

“Even in the arms of Rebecca from Stepney?” I sniffled as I laughed. “When you pretended it was me?”

“In the arms of any woman I found myself in.” He took another step closer, unbuttoning his waistcoat. “It was always you, beloved. Always your voice I heard, your skin I smelled.”

“How many times did you abuse yourself over me?” My eyes traced down the length of his body with his fingers, as he undid the buttons, one by one. “How many times did you leave me polluted with your seed?”

“Does the thought make you wet?”

My eyes flashed back up to his. “No.”

“You cannot lie to me, Evie.” He shrugged the waistcoat off, casting it to the floor. “Remember? I know you.”

“You do not know me, you know only what you wish.”

“Then tell me.” He removed his shirt, and that too was thrown to the ground. “Tell me everything.”

“Why should I? What do you care?”