Page 11

KIMBERLY “KIMMIE”

I needed to finish getting dressed and doublecheck my overnight bag, but from the moment I woke up this morning, I’ve had a case of the asses. My attitude was horrible because today marked a year since my mom died and what hurt the most was she and I weren’t on speaking terms. When I first moved in with my dad, he kept telling me to give my mom time and that she was just angry but when she died before we could speak again, she took something from my soul with her.

I’ve been living with my dad now for six years and there have been very high, highs to extremely low, lows. So much has happened that the time flew by so fast, it’s hard to believe it’s been six years. I had to adjust to being a city girl living in the suburbs and the north suburbs at that so, if you know, you know. My dad and I had to get to know each other again because I hadn’t really been around him much my teenage years, then having to start my senior year in a completely different town and school was challenging as hell.

High school in the suburbs, the curriculum was completely different than it was in the city and the people acted differently. The people in the burbs acted more bougee than I was used to which caused me to keep to myself because I didn’t do well with that type of energy. Even most of the Blacks in the burbs acted different. It was just my opinion, yet even with the challenges, I still breezed through my senior year without any academic problems. My personal life though was a mess. I was scared to get attached too fast to my dad and the lifestyle that he was able to provide for me in fear of losing him again.

I didn’t have any friends, so I didn’t have any drama to deal with. I was cool with people, but we weren’t on each other’s level, and I wasn’t looking for any new friends, especially after losing my best friend, Darius. I didn’t date any boys and still haven’t been in a relationship because the last thing I wanted was to get emotionally connected to someone else again and then they leave.

The way my mental was set up was a major part of why I distanced myself from people. I had gone through some shit, and I wasn’t open to talking about any of it with anybody I didn’t know. I dealt with my pain and hurt by keeping it bottled up inside. All I wanted to do was pass all my classes so that I could graduate and figure out the rest of my life.

Then once Darius and I lost contact with one another, I poured everything that I had into my schoolwork even more and helped my dad out with his logistics company after school. Once I graduated, I started working with his company full time. School and work kept me from falling into a depression. Once my graduation approached, I didn’t know what to expect because now I was living with my dad and wondering if my mom was going to show instead of it being the other way around. What was fucked up though was my mom didn’t show up because her husband was court ordered to not be around me, and my dad had won full temporary custody which ended up being permanent custody of me.

I took that hurt and disappointment and poured it into learning everything I could about dad’s company. That’s how I coped with my mom cutting me off and out of her life over something her husband did and out of anger she had for my dad, which had nothing to do with me. My mom not going to my high school graduation though, that spoke volumes. She shut me completely out because she was pissed off and I couldn’t help but to feel some type of way about her. It hurt me to the core that the relationship with me and my mom was broken, and unfortunately, now it would never get the chance to be repaired because she was gone forever.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

“Hey, you good?”

“Yeah, what’s up dad?”

“Just checking on you. I ain’t seen you all day, you been couped up in your room. I know today a hard one for you.”

“Ion know how to feel. Just trying not to think about it.”

“I understand.” My dad smiled as he stepped further into my room. “Your room just about packed up, I see. It’s going to be weird once you move out. You know you don’t have to rush to move, right?”

“I know, I think having my own place will be good for me, daddy. Don’t look so sad, you’ll be just fine. I know you ready to have your house back.”

“This your house too, baby girl. You can stay as long as you want but I understand you wanting your privacy. I’m so proud of you. You’ve gone through so much in just a short time and you’re still standing. I look up to you baby girl cause most people would’ve folded with half of what you’ve been dealt. Since you’ve been back in my life you’ve made me a better person. I thank you for that.”

“Awww, thanks daddy.” I smiled then gave him a hug. Yes, at my now grown age I called my dad, daddy because I was a daddy’s girl through and through. I always was, it was never my decision for him to not be a part of my life. That decision was made for me so my heart wouldn’t allow me to hold a grudge against him for not being in my life. Just thinking about her was making me feel emotional, so I released a big sigh. “I can’t believe she’s been gone for a year.”

“Listen, losing a parent is difficult especially once they are gone for forever. I wish things would have worked out differently with you and your mom, I really, really do. I know she was angry with me so I tried everything I could to get her to move past her anger, I just couldn’t. Too much had happened, and we were far gone from being able to communicate. It’s all heart breaking and I’m sorry baby girl, because I feel partly to blame but I had to do what was best for you.”

“Ion blame you, daddy. I just miss having my mom in my life and now that she is gone I think it’s a good time for me focus on getting to know who I truly am. I feel lost, and this is no dig to you because you’re the best dad I could have ever asked for. Maybe if I never had a mom, I wouldn’t have a hard time missing her and today forces me to have to think about her no matter how hard I try not to.”

“I get it, but you have to take it one day at a time. I feel the same way about both of my parents. Your grandparents died when I was young but losing both of my parents at such a young age is what made me the person I am today. I’m a survivor because I had no choice but to be one, and you’re a survivor too cause it’s in you. Your mom didn’t deserve what happened to her. Once that nigga crossed the line with you and then after everything else that came out about Todd, she should’ve left that man alone, but you live and learn.”

“Ion know, in some ways I feel like I should’ve reached out to her more. Especially after all the news broke about him. I can’t imagine how she must have felt.”

My dad sat next to me on the side of my bed.

“Baby, listen, stop beating yourself up wondering what you could’ve done different. The few times that I know of that you reached out was all you could do. No matter how many times you would’ve called your mom, if she wasn’t ready to talk, you wouldn’t have been able to make her. You’re the child, you didn’t do anything wrong. Your mom was just caught up in a toxic, love triangle with a dangerous man, and I thank God every day that you were here with me and not them when that shit went down.”

I released another deep breath and no matter how hard I tried the tears started to flow. I wept softly as my dad tried to console me. It took everything in me not to think about what my mom’s last and final moments were like. While Todd was fighting his case from the charges I pressed on him, a few other young girls in the neighborhood started to come out that lived close to us saying he had been pursuing and even having sex with some of them. One of the girls that spoke out was Alicia, his ex-wife’s oldest daughter, who had proof of the sexual relationship they had while he was with her mom that continued while he was with my mom. Apparently, she never told her mom, maybe out of fear, and then she felt more comfortable once other females shared their story first, but it caused his ex to crash out and rightfully so.

She showed up to my mom and Todd’s house and shot them both then turned the gun on herself a block away from my mom’s house and killed herself. It was a nightmare, and today marked a year since that uneventful crime took place. It made me angry that my mom had to lose her life because of Todd’s lust for younger girls. He was such a disgrace, sleeping with Darius’s mom and any and everything he could stick his disgusting ass penis in.

“I know it’s been a year, but grief is different for everyone. You take as long as you need to process it but all I ask is that you don’t hold no guilt in your heart. Your mom didn’t deserve that but now she isn’t suffering, so try to find peace in that. For the longest I always felt that nothing could ever hurt me more than what I felt when my parents died, then you were born. I can still remember that day as if it were yesterday. I have never in my life seen a baby as beautiful as you were. You have your whole life to live, Kimmie, you take all the time you need to get to know you.”

“I really needed to hear that. Thanks, daddy.”

He kissed my forehead then stood up. “You just about ready cause we gotta head out soon if you still coming to dinner with us. I’m trying to beat that evening traffic to the city.”

“You know I wouldn’t miss a free meal a Joe’s Seafood for nothing in the world.” I smiled from ear to ear, causing my dad to laugh.

One thing about my dad was he gave me my space and didn’t force me to do much that I didn’t want to do. Even though I had a lot on my plate with me moving into my new condo in a few days and my mind on my mom today, he knew I loved me some good seafood and steak. Joe’s Seafood had become our spot ever since he took me for my high school graduation. Once I moved back to the city, I already knew that I’d be hitting up Joe’s Seafood weekly, that’s how much I love it.

Mrs. P, my dad’s girlfriend, well he calls her his acquaintance, and Claudia, her daughter who’s like a sister to me, were going to meet up with us there. Somewhere deep in my heart I would have loved for my mom and dad to have been able to make their relationship work. I would have both of my parents in my life and my mom would more than likely still be alive today. But since they couldn’t get it right, I’d be lying if I said Mrs. P wasn’t perfect for me. My dad and Mrs. P claimed they weren’t in a relationship because they didn’t do titles. Neither one of them wanted to get married and I knew they were both seeing other people, and whatever their set up was it worked for them, and I couldn’t do anything but respect it.

I know my dad dated other women and hooked up with them he just never really brought them around me. The only female he brought around me was Mrs. P and I’d never seen Mrs. P with another man other than my daddy, but once Claudia and I became close I learned that Mrs. P too had her share of male’s that she dated in addition to my daddy. Claudia and I would always talk about our parents and how they were weird for having what we called an at our age open relationship.

I wasn’t a relationship expert, but I do know that it would take a strong person to be in an open relationship. I understood their situation because I was similar to them in the fact that I didn’t have the desire to be in a relationship. Claudia hated it because she believed in love and fairytales, but I had been hurt so much by the people I loved the most that I wasn’t pressed about being in a relationship or falling in love, so I understood where my dad and Mrs. P were coming from. The less people close to me, the less I had to worry about losing someone else was the way I looked at it.

Once my dad left my room, I got up so that I could freshen up and get ready to go out to dinner. My cell phone started ringing, and when I saw that it was Claudia, I answered before she hung up. She was very inpatient, she only let the phone ring three times then she’d hang up…just rude but I loved her anyway.

“Don’t forget to bring your afterparty bag bihhh!” Claudia sang in the phone.

“Listen, my bag been packed.” I laughed. “I can’t wait too, cause I need me a good, stiff, sexy ass?—”

“Dick!” Claudia cut me off.

“I was gon’ say drink, fool!” I laughed harder, causing Claudia to laugh too. “But depending on how the night go, you just never know. I might catch me one and give ‘em a lil taste then send them on they way.”

“Okay, nasty girl,” Claudia giggled.

“No but for real, I just want to get out and have some fun tonight. It’s been a minute since we’ve painted the town.”

“Now you speaking my language. I’m trying to find my man tonight.”

“At a PnP…are you coo, sis?”

“Whatever, Kimmie, I can feel it in my yoni she gon’ get blessed by papi tah night. I’m meeting my soulmate; I already manifested it.”

“Yoni’s might get blessed, I’ll give you that, but Ion know about finding soulmates and locking down relationships, sis. Ain’t gon’ be too many good wholesome nigga’s present.”

Claudia and I continued to talk about the underground sex party we were going to after dinner that we call a PnP, Party and Play . It took me a little minute to warm up to Claudia and Mrs. P when I first moved with my dad, but now that I have, Claudia’s like the sister I never had. We were the same age, which was perfect and in a lot of ways we were very similar yet still very different. When my dad first introduced me to them, I felt some type of way because he had said that Claudia reminded him of me and all I could think was she had formed a relationship with my dad when I was praying to have one and that bothered me. I was on some jealous shit but quickly got over it. These past six years, Claudia and I have fought and loved hard just like sisters but now that I know her, I can see what my dad meant.

Claudia was a girl’s girl and very smart, but she loved to have fun. Her mom put a lot of expectation on Claudia so most would look at her and see a quiet, good girl, but I knew that at heart Claudia was a nasty girl in search of love. Claudia grew up in Lincoln Park and graduated from Walter Payton College Preparatory High School, one of the top high schools in the state, so she was smart as a damn whip, and very artistic. She knew about all of the hot spots in the city and going to private underground parties with a bunch of rich, entitled people was her vibe. She introduced me to a scene that I knew nothing of but had become very fond of and neither one of our parents knew anything about it. We started going to these type of parties the summer we graduated high school, not just to hook up with dudes but to have fun, get high and have a safe space to express ourselves without any judgement.

This was another reason why I couldn’t wait to move to the city. I had just purchased a new condo in the same high rise that Claudia lived. Claudia moved out of her mom’s place two years ago when she started grooming dogs because Mrs. P was having a fit about her practicing on dogs in her house. My dad had offered to purchase me my first place, but it was something that I wanted to save to do on my own, and now that the time had come, I was proud of myself because I worked hard to make the money on my own.

I wrapped up my call with Claudia then left with my dad. There was no sense in me taking my car since Claudia had her own car. The whole way there all I could think about was eating then getting a drink to calm my nerves. Tonight’s goal was to release all the grief, sadness and hurt that has been holding onto me and reset my mental because after tonight, I needed my mind clear so that I could move into my new place with a new mindset.