Page 11
Brittany
T his evening was not going the way I expected it to. I poured my heart out to Clara and Tex, had my window busted out with a rock, got my nastygram that made me realize I’m being stalked by Silas Harper, Tusk popped up out of nowhere, and Tex yelled at me for letting him think his child was just a random baby I was being paid to care for. If I’m honest, I’m totally overwhelmed. I know that I need to tell the man the truth. I just need a minute to relax and get my head together.
I’m super disappointed that Tusk seems to think I’m gonna be up for carrying on where we left off. It hurts to realize he never really respected me like I thought he did. I’m always just going to be a club girl in his eyes. I get teary-eyed just thinking about it.
We somehow keep the conversation rolling. I rely upon the trivia about Alaska that I’ve learned over the last nine months to keep from talking about all the topics I want to avoid. That probably makes me a terrible person, but I can’t handle Tusk telling me about how he doesn’t want another child, how we should have been more careful with birth control, and how I’m just another club girl trying to baby-trap a brother. I don’t need him anyway. I can take care of Victoria and myself. If my grandmother managed to get away from the church and all the closed-minded people who wanted to control her, I can do the same.
Tusk is smart. He pulls out the diaper bags and my tote first. He’s a good father and probably a good husband. He’s just not good for me or my child. I don’t want her to always be the odd person out with her half-brothers. Being seen as an accident or unwanted.
When Tex gives me the key card to my room, I frown. “You didn’t pay for my room, did you?”
“Clara insisted, so don’t bite my head off, darlin’,” he says defensively.
I’m hurt that he thinks I would bite his head off. I stay calm and try not to sound butthurt. “I can pay my own way.”
Clara comes up beside me and says, “Let us pick up the first night, for all the trouble we’ve caused. You can cover the next two nights for your room, and I’ll let you pay me back for your plane tickets back to Las Salinas.”
Tusk’s head snaps around to stare at me. “You’re coming back to Las Salinas? Permanently?”
I nod and say, “That’s the plan at this point. I’m going to turn in early tonight, if nobody minds. It’s been a really long day, and I haven’t fully recovered from all the chaos.”
Clara gives me a side hug. “Of course, we understand. Rest, relax, and I’ll stop by later with some warm food.”
I shoot her a sad smile. “Thanks. I just need some time to recharge my batteries, and I’ll tackle all my problems.”
Tusk tells me, “I’m sleeping on the sofa in your suite.”
“I’d rather be alone.” I can’t believe I just said that to the man I love. The thing is, I don’t want to get attached to him all over again. The last nine months have been agonizing. It’s been like withdrawal. Not having his warm body snuggled up next to me, not being able to talk to him or eat together has been hell. I was just starting to get my life moving in the right direction. I don’t want to go back to that dull, aching pain that never went away.
A stubborn look jumps onto his face. “I don’t fully understand what’s going on here. Until I’m absolutely certain you’re not in danger, I’m sticking close. If you seriously don’t want me in your suite, I’ll sit out in the hallway, right in front of your damn door.”
I sigh because I know he’s not going to let go of this. “Okay, if you insist. I really need to rest, though. I’m looking forward to a low-key evening.”
“I know how to shut my mouth, beautiful. Give me a chance.”
I shrug with one shoulder and shift my baby to the other arm. “Fine. When I’m not talkative, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Tex interjects with exasperation, “As long as y’all realize y’all have to talk at some point.”
I don’t like Tex pressuring me, so I turn around and head to my room. Once the door shuts, I can hear Clara and Tex having a heated discussion. I can’t hear what they’re saying, but I hate to think that they’re arguing because of me. I hate parts of my life right now. Every part except Victoria sucks.
Tusk takes the key card from my hand. “I’m gonna go down and grab the rest of your luggage from the SUV.”
“You don’t have to do that. I can go down and fetch it in the morning.”
He doesn’t listen. Instead, he slips out with the key card.
By now, Victoria is starting to get fussy again. So, I settle down in the bedroom behind closed doors to breastfeed her. I’m going to have to tell Tusk about her, I know I do, but right now I feel so exhausted I really don’t have the bandwidth.
I hear Tusk come and go a couple of times, and the thump of luggage being dropped off. When Victoria is full and happy, I adjust my clothing and make sure she burps before putting her to down to sleep in the pack and play the hotel provided.
Then it’s me time. I collapse into the bed and stare up at the ceiling. I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I used to be like the Energizer Bunny, going and going and going. These days, I’m lucky to make it through the day. It’s the round-the-clock feeding and sleepless nights. Not to mention the worry that Silas has found me. I kick off my boots, turn onto my side, curl up with a big, fluffy pillow, and tumble off to sleep.
Unfortunately, my dreams are filled with the one man I want to avoid. He’s smiling at me like I’m the most important thing in his world. I’m lost in a dream, and when Tusk buries his face between my legs, it feels like I’m in heaven, though my reprieve from the mess that is my life doesn’t last for long and I’m woken by a gentle knock at the door.
I glance at Victoria to make sure the noise isn’t waking her up. She moves a little but settles down almost immediately. I slip out of bed, pad over to the door, and crack it open, expecting to see Clara with the food she promised.
Instead, it’s Tusk. He steps back, and I see that he’s prepared a little dinner table for us. Sighing, I realize that I’m not doing a very good job of staying away from him.
My stomach rumbles instinctively at the sight and smell, and I realize I’ve not had anything to eat since breakfast. So, I graciously accept his invitation. “I’m actually starving, so thank you for bringing food,” I tell him gratefully.
His face lights up, just like it always did when I was pleased by something he did. Tusk is that rare mixture of courageous, protective, and very much a people-pleaser. Just my kind of guy, but I can’t let myself go there again.
“I didn’t know what you were in the mood for, so I got a little of everything.”
When he starts opening bags and boxes, I realize what he said was true. I snag an egg roll and take a bite while he unpacks everything. He’s got everything from Chinese food to steak and potatoes, to fried chicken, and even fish.
“Where did you get all this?” I ask, awed by the sheer variety. “Everything looks so fresh and delicious.”
He presses his lips together to keep from laughing and then finally tells me, “The food should be fresh, I hovered over them while they prepared it all. Tex said I was being an ass, but I wanted you to have something nice after working hard all day taking care of that kid. When’s her mother coming back?”
I freeze with the egg roll almost in my mouth, not sure how to answer his question. When my hand comes back down, he reaches over and lifts it back up.
“Eat up while it’s hot.”
I take another bite and think about how to break the news to him that he’s a dad. I don’t know how to explain that the baby is mine, much less his.
Meanwhile, Tusk is happy as a clam. “You’re not the only one starving. I’m warning you right now that you’re gonna have to become a much more aggressive eater if you expect to get your fair share tonight. If you give me half a chance, I’ll eat all the food before you get any.”
I can tell by his tone and amused expression that he’s only joking. Tusk is a bit of a free spirit. He tends to say whatever pops into his mind. It’s a quality I’ve always liked about him. He’s so genuine and down-to-earth. I hate fake people, and Tusk is anything but pretentious.
I reach out and start filling my plate with everything that looks good. “I only had oatmeal today, so I’m going to eat a little more than I usually do.”
“By all means. If we run out of food, I’ll be happy to get us more. Granted, those cooks at the restaurant downstairs won’t be happy to see me coming, but ask me if I fuckin’ care.” Glancing up at me, he adds, “In case you’re wondering, I don’t.”
I lift my fork and make a tight circle around the food on the table. “If we were cavemen, you’d be a high-value mate because you’re a good hunter and gatherer.”
He chuckles. “You got that right, beautiful.” He waggles his eyebrows and falls right into flirting with me, just like old times. “I’ve got a lot of qualities that would make me a good mate for some savvy cavewoman. I’m a hard worker and therefore a good provider. I’m also apparently super fertile.”
I almost choke on my mouthful at that statement. My heart’s racing and I wonder if Tex has told him. Rather than blurt out to him that he’s a father, instead I skirt around the issue and say, “Is that so?”
“Yep, according to my endocrinologist.”
“What’s an endocrinologist?” I ask between bites of food. I’m not sure where he’s going with this, but whatever prompted this change in topic doesn’t seem to be related to me or Victoria. “I’ve heard of them before but never really knew what they did.”
“I don’t know everything they do, but mine helped me and my ex-wife with fertility issues.”
My stomach drops. Clara had told me that he definitely wasn’t getting back with Gina, and in the months since I left there had been no hint that he was even remotely interested in rekindling their marriage. But what did Clara know? She and her sister barely spoke anymore, and if they were planning on getting back together, then they’d probably be sneaking around. I try and shove the spark of jealousy that flared up when I thought of them to the back of my mind, because it’s none of my business anymore. Instead, I try to look interested while shoving food around on my plate.
“Back then, Gina was hell-bent on having four kids. I think she wanted a daughter and that never happened for us. I was in the habit of just agreeing to whatever she wanted. She made my life miserable if I didn’t.”
“That sounds terrible,” I say, trying to sound supportive.
“No matter how hard we tried, she could never seem to get pregnant with the last one. She used to berate me constantly, saying I wasn’t man enough to get the job done. It pissed me off at the time, but there was nothing for it.”
“I guess if you’re super fertile, it wasn’t you, right?”
“Hell no, it was not.” He grins like a Cheshire cat. “It cost a shitload of money, and apparently, I was shooting millions, and her fertility had taken a dramatic nosedive for some reason. Seeing her face when the doctor told her, was one of the best days of my fuckin’ life.”
I knew a bit about their marriage, this story was more evidence that they weren’t happy. I mean he was talking about having another kid when they clearly were at each other’s throats all the time. “You never mentioned that before, why is this the first time I’m hearing it?”
“Trust me, you do not want to know.”
I scrunch my nose up a bit, thinking it over. I decide to bite the bullet, if him and Gina were trying to make a go of it, then I needed to pull off the bandage, “I think maybe I do want to hear the reason.”
He throws his fork down onto his plate with a disgusted expression on his face. “It’s on my mind because fucking Gina went back to the fucking fertility doctor and got implanted with my seed again.”
I choke on my food, and it takes me a minute, several thumps on my chest, and a drink of water to clear my airway. “Your wife is pregnant with your kid again? This makes what—five kids?”
“Ex-wife. You keep leaving out the ex, part.”
I really didn’t know what to make of this, “Why would she do that? Aren’t four kids enough for that woman?”
“I guess she thought that if she was carrying my baby it would make me all nostalgic or something. It’s just another one of her stupid ploys to get back with me. I swear to God, I hate that woman. I know she’s the mother of my kids, but sometimes, I’d like to never have to set eyes on her again.”
I stare at him, trying to process what he just said. A thousand thoughts are warring for first place in my mind right now. I somehow manage to stammer, “So, you’re really not together anymore?”
“You know we’re not. How could I be with you, if I did some dumb-ass shit like getting back together with the wicked witch of the West Coast?”
“But…” I trail off, trying to figure out what happened.
“Clara told you we weren’t together, right? I didn’t know she was in touch with you until she told me she was visiting you, but if you’ve been in contact all along, she must have told you, right?”
I give a sigh, “I saw you and Gina at the clubhouse acting all lovey-dovey. That’s why I left. Silver and the other club girls heard her talking about how you were back together again. Clara told me that you weren’t, but part of me thought she might have just been saying that to make me feel better. I told her I didn’t want to know what you were doing.”
“I shouldn’t have taken her to the clubhouse, I didn’t know it would make her think I was trying to let her back into my life. My only reason for going there was because I wanted to have a party for my son, and because she’d have to be there, I didn’t want to hold it at the apartment complex. Gina is a Grade A bitch, and I didn’t trust her around you. She just acted like a fool the whole time, told our kids we were getting back together, and has been on my ass for months to reunite with her. I guess the baby was her last ditch attempt to coerce me into being one big happy family again.”
I look down at my plate and keep shoving food around. I don’t know if what he’s saying is true or if it even matters. I don’t want my daughter to be one of six kids, the one always on the outside looking in. I don’t want that for her, or for myself—being pecked apart by his ex for the duration of my natural life.
After a long silence, Tusk reaches out to touch my free hand. “Look, I’m sorry about the way things went down at the clubhouse that day. My club brothers tore me a new asshole about how inappropriate it was to invite my crazy ex into your safe space. They were fucking mad because they thought I was getting back with my wife and trying to keep you as some kind of side piece.”
“They weren’t happy about that?” I tear up, hearing how the brothers stood up for me when they thought Tusk was doing me wrong. I’d always thought that they merely tolerated me. Something about that made me feel warm inside, despite the circumstances.
“Fuck no. They told me you weren’t the kind of woman to be disrespected and that you’d never accept being second-best to any other woman.”
I swallow thickly. “Tex said I was part of the club, and the brothers would always be there for me, but I didn’t believe him.”
“Well, the club officers and Zen weren’t letting me get away with anything when it came to you. To be honest, I think they surprised themselves by how strongly they felt about me giving you the shaft. It took a good amount of talking on my part for them to understand that’s not what I was trying to do. I thought I was doing a nice thing for my little boy, and inviting Gina to the clubhouse was a way to make sure she was out of your hair since you rarely went there without me, I thought it would be okay. I didn’t see all the ways that decision could go wrong for me.”
I slowly lift a bite of food to my mouth as I think over his words. I chew and swallow before asking, “Did you come here with the intention of trying to get back together with me?”
“Fuck yes! Do you even need to ask that question? I lost my fuckin’ mind when you left. I’ve spent the last nine months looking for you. If you don’t want me back, I’ll step away, but I won’t ever stop trying to win you back. You’re my girl, remember?”
“I need some time to process all this,” I tell him. “I’m really confused right now. I lost hope for us and started over. I envisioned a whole new life for myself, new goals and everything.”
“You’re still coming back though, right?”
I nod. “I have to. If there was any other way, I’d take it.”
“That’s really disappointing. Want to tell me what’s forcing you back?”
“Can we talk about all that tomorrow? I’m really stressed today.”
“You know, I realized something when I started looking for you.” Reaching out, he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
“What’s that?” I ask.
“I realized that I didn’t have a place to start looking for you because, being the ass that I am, I never asked about your life or family.” He looks so sincere that it makes my chest tighten with emotion. “Can you forgive me for being a selfish asshole who was only worried about himself?”
I tilt my head away from his touch. “Is this one of those situations where you didn’t realize what you had until it was gone?”
“No. I knew you were my one. Unfortunately, I was so wrapped up in all my own issues, I didn’t make the fuckin’ time for you that I should have. Just so you know, I don’t plan to make that mistake again.”
I’m struggling to figure out how to respond to all his confessions when Victoria cries.
His head snaps over to look towards the bedroom, then he glances down at his watch and asks, “When is your shift over? It’s getting late.”
I open my mouth about to tell him the truth, but then I find I can’t. Instead, I tell him the closest thing to the truth that I can muster, “Her mother’s been really run down since giving birth. She needs some time to herself.”
His eyes dart towards the bedroom again. “You’re responsible for her overnight? How long is this gig for? I only ask because taking care of a baby on your own full time can be really stressful. I don’t want you ending up stressed out and overwhelmed too.”
“I’m strong and healthy. She’s a good baby, no trouble, really. I won’t get overwhelmed.”
“Wow, so this is an open ended kind of arrangement?”
Tossing my fork down on my plate, I realize that I’ve lost my appetite. “Yeah, I’m keeping her until her mom feels better. Maybe we can talk more about that tomorrow. I’m pretty beat right now.”
I push myself up to my feet. “I’m going to feed the baby and get her back to sleep then turn in for the night.”
His eyes narrow on me, and like the dad he is, he asks, “Don’t you need to make her a bottle?”
I freeze, struggling to figure out how to respond. Because if I’m caring for another woman’s baby, of course, I’d need to make bottles.
He offers, “I can make a bottle for you if you give me the supplies.”
Of course, he can. He’s got four kids, soon to be five with his ex-wife. This man has probably made hundreds of bottles since he first became a father. I find myself hating that I can’t just tell him the truth. But I’m already mentally and physically exhausted. I just don’t have it in me to hash this all out tonight. So, I shake my head and tell him, “I made bottles before we left, and I have a bottle warmer in her bag.”
He doesn’t answer. He just stares at me. I turn and quickly head to the bedroom before my milk starts leaking through my shirt. I hear him state quietly, “Yeah, I’m fuckin’ sure you do.”
Tusk is smart, especially about all things family related. He’s onto me, but I don’t care. I’ll nurse Victoria one more time and get some sleep. We’ll talk it all out in the morning, when I’m not on the verge of having a hysterical crying fit. Okay, maybe I’m not quite that stressed, but I can see myself getting pushed in that direction.
Once the bedroom door is shut and locked behind me, I race to her, tenderly pick her up, and drop down into the only armchair in the room. Opening my shirt, I start nursing her. It’s strange how much of my world is dedicated to what my tiny daughter wants and needs, this is my happy place.