Page 53 of True Sight (Nat. 20, #4)

CONRAD

T he number of times I’ve reached for my phone to call him is threatening to reach a hundred thousand.

The number of walks Annie and I have been on feels like it’s reaching the same amount because anytime I think about what he said for too long I feel myself needing to escape.

Not that she cares in the slightest about the extra exercise.

It might not be the runs she gets with Henry but she’s going to have to deal with it because I’m not sure when I’ll see him again.

If I’ll see him again.

I sigh in my chair and push back from my desk at the thought, gnawing on my bottom lip.

A sense of disappointment and lack takes root in my gut as I think about never seeing him again.

I want to see him again. I just don’t know if he wants to see me.

After he ran off on Sunday I figured I’d hurt his feelings enough to the point of no return.

It doesn’t help that he didn’t send me any kind of cheeky message yesterday morning after getting done with class like he normally does or to confirm our weekly meeting that is supposed to be this morning.

I didn’t reach out to him either; I just hope that he’ll show up at my door at our usual meeting time.

You should have just said it back you fuckwad.

I scrub my eyes with my palms as if to push the menacing voice out of my head.

Not that it ever works, the voice just gets louder.

You’ve managed to ruin the one solid relationship outside of your friends in years.

You’ve really done it this time. He’s a patient guy, especially with you.

But not saying ‘I love you’ back? Nail in the coffin.

Say goodbye to any idea of a future you may have had with him because it’s long gone now.

Just like your parents and just like your grandma.

Gone, forever. You’re going to be alone, forever .

My skin starts to itch and my throat begins to tighten. Suddenly, I shoot up from my chair like I’ve been poked with a cattle prod as the need to escape hits me again.

“Let’s go, Annie,” I call to her, and she comes running, ready and eager for her third walk of the day.

I’ve hardly gotten work done because of my sheer lack of focus and constant need to walk off the anxiety that’s burrowed its hooks into me, refusing to let go.

I huff out a heavy sigh as I open the door and walk down the hallway with her.

Once we hit the open air, my heart seems to relax as it feels the cool December breeze across my face.

Christmas is next week and the gift I’d gotten Henry is sitting in the back of my closet waiting to be wrapped and gifted.

A new pair of workout shoes for his first day in the studio once it officially opens.

At this point, I hope I’ll still be able to give them to him.

As I walk down the block I replay the scene in my head again.

‘Did you hear what I said? I said I love you…’

‘Yeah, I heard you.’

‘Do you have anything you want to say? ’

‘No, I don’t think so.’

‘No, I don’t think so?’ Was I fucking serious?

I grimace to myself as Annie and I round the corner.

I’m not sure if I love him or not because I’ve never loved anyone in the way he’s asking.

Sure, I love my friends but they’re my friends.

And yeah, I love Annie but she’s a dog. But Henry is Henry and he means something completely different to me than anyone else in my life does.

He means having a consistent person to share a meal with.

He means getting to sit in a coffee shop with another person instead of by myself.

He means having someone to wake up to in the middle of the night after I’ve had a nightmare.

He means having someone who looks at me with admiration and care instead of someone who’s difficult to be around.

But does that mean I love him?

I’m not sure. Not to mention, I’ve only known him since September, and from then to now isn’t a whole lot of time to fall in love with another person. I don’t know anyone who has fallen in love with another person in such a short time, so how would it be possible for someone like me to?

My feet stop short on the sidewalk and Annie tugs on her leash, not noticing my sudden halt. But you do know someone who fell in love that quickly. I pull out my phone to send a text.

Hey Hank, sorry to bother you during the work day. You gotta minute?

Sure man, what’s going on?

I was wondering if you wanted to workout tonight.

I send it off quickly before I can change my mind. I know me asking to workout with him will sound some alarm bells but I’ll deal. The plan is to get him alone and ask him questions about how he knew he was in love with Bailey. A little bit of recon to help me figure out my own head and heart.

You…wanna workout? With me?

Yeah if you have time. And you don’t mind.

Of course I have time. Everything okay? I can just come over if you want me too.

No, the gym is fine. Just text me the name and I’ll meet you there.

He sends me the address of his gym and a photo of a guest pass that I assume I’ll use to get in.

I’ll see you at 7.

Hank?

Yeah dude?

Just you and me tonight, if you don’t mind.

Bailey has plans with the girls tonight anyway. Just me and you.

Seven o’clock rolls around before I’m ready and I quickly find myself walking into an overlit gym that reeks of body odor and disinfectant spray. Stepping inside, I look around and sigh a breath of relief when I see Hank loitering around, seemingly waiting to see if I would show up.

“Hey, you came,” he calls out, walking up to me and pulling me into a quintessential bro hug. His brown curly hair is longer than normal and he’s wearing a cut-off shirt and athletic shorts. He looks like a professional athlete compared to me.

“I asked you here, it would have been rude to bail,” I half question, half scoff. While the gym isn’t my ideal place to hangout, I think that exercising will be an easy distraction from the conversation I’m here to have. Even if it means I actually have to exercise in the process.

“Well I’m glad you’re here, come on, I already told them you’re with me.

” He turns on his heels and heads deeper into the warehouse that is lined with machines and other contraptions that people somehow use to build muscle mass.

I’ve worked out with Hank before and couldn’t walk for a week afterwards so I never asked for a round two. “I have us set up over here.”

I walk to the metal rack he points to and stuff my hands into my sweatshirt pocket, unsure of what to do.

Sensing my discomfort, he explains our workout and sets the bar up with less weight than I know he can probably handle, a kind gesture that my ego appreciates.

After leading us through a few warm up moves, he dips under it to show me what to do and starts to squat with the metal rack across the back of his shoulders.

“So, how are things?” I open, trying not to get into the deep shit too quickly. The last thing I need is for him to get suspicious. He blows out a hard breath and stands up, latching the bar into place.

“Things are fine,” he replies skeptically. He’s looking at me through squinted eyes and I know he can tell I’m here with ulterior motives.

“Good, that’s good.” I try to keep my voice even. “And how’s Bailey?” I step under the bar like he had and start to squat the weights he’d set up. Doing so feels much harder for me than it looked like it was for him. Maybe I should workout more.

“She’s fine too.” He drags out the words. His head bobs up and down as he watches me struggle through my set.

Once I finish my final squat, I push the bar back up and lock it into place. “Good, that’s good.”

The exchange is awkward at best and I know I’m completely fucking this up. I just need to ask him what I came here to ask and get it over with.

“Conrad,” Hank starts brusquely. “Not that I don’t love spending alone time with you, but why do I get the sense that there’s something you want to ask me?”

Leave it to my best friend to cut right to the chase.

This is why I picked him for this. Unlike the other guys, Hank never beats around the bush and never makes you feel bad for what you say or do.

I knew if I went to Kolbi about this he would give me some annoying proud older brother act and Malcolm was absolutely not an option.

He wouldn’t be able to keep his snide remarks to himself even if the longevity of his sex life depended on it.

But Hank? Hank is the one you can go to when you need to have a real conversation without the bullshit.

He starts to squat as he waits for me to collect my courage.

“I was wondering when you knew you were in love with Bailey,” I say quickly and in my most ‘ I’m here to learn and I’m definitely not speaking from personal experience’ voice.

“Oh.” He sounds genuinely surprised by my question and stands tall again, racking the weight.

He furrows his brows as he thinks about it, hanging onto the bar with his hands while staring at the ground.

“I guess I knew when I realized she didn’t care that I had my own shit I was dealing with.

And when the thought of not having her in my life scared me more than the idea of being in love with her did. ”

I feel my own eyebrows meet in the center of my face as I think about it. “Did you ever doubt that you were in love with her?”

“Doubt it? Never. I knew pretty early on that I was in love with her but she made it easy to know that I was.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, for starters, I always felt better when she was around. Like everything was okay and just, better. I don’t know how else to describe it.

” He shrugs his shoulders like it’s the most obvious thing.

“I laughed more, I felt happier. I felt…complete. And whenever I thought about not having her in my life anymore, like those few days we weren’t speaking, I felt physically sick.

It was like my body was going through withdrawal at the thought of not having her anymore. ”

My brain tries to process what he’s saying as I struggle through another set of squats.

That’s exactly how I feel when Henry is around—complete and like everything’s going to be okay.

My heart settles, my shoulders relax, and I feel like I can breathe easily whenever he’s around.

And I know what he means about feeling sick at the thought of not having her in his life because I feel the same way whenever I think about Henry not being in mine.

A dull ache will begin in the back of my neck and slowly spread to every corner of my body the longer I think about losing him.

“Were you scared to tell her?” I grunt, pushing through my final squat and using the back of my hand to wipe the sweat off my forehead. My legs are already begging for mercy.

He chuckles to himself and I can see him recalling a memory. “I mean, I kind of let it slip after we hooked up in a closet but yeah, I was scared. She didn’t say it back right away either, which didn’t help my nerves. ”

“She didn’t?” I don’t know this story and I’m surprised to hear his love confession mirrors mine so closely, minus the closet hookup. They fucking would.

He shakes his head. “Nope. Took her a week or two to say it back but when she did, I didn’t even care that she took the extra time to make sure she was ready to say it. I knew I loved her and I was willing to give her the time she needed to feel the same way.”

I nod slowly, realizing that maybe I haven’t completely screwed things up with Henry afterall. I mean, if Hank and Bailey are my litmus test for love, he and I will be married in a year. I step out of the way so he can do another set and think about everything Henry and I have been through.

Our first run in at the coffee shop. Working together to open the studio and make his dream a reality.

Countless Tuesday work meetings. Baring my nightmares and waiting for me to figure out the type of person I am.

The longer I think about him, about us, the clearer my head becomes.

I watch as my friend finishes his set, ready to come clean about why I’m asking him the questions I am.

Ready to tell him about Henry and the last several months I’ve shared with him in secret.

I want my friends to know about who I really am and more importantly, I want them to know about the person who helped me become that person.

My mouth opens, words on the cusp of my tongue, ready to confess it all in the midst of grunting men and sweaty bodies, when he speaks first.

“So you’re in love with Margaret, huh?” And as he stands smirking at me, I can feel my courage to share myself and my love for Henry begin to disappear.