Page 44 of True Sight (Nat. 20, #4)

CONRAD

T he lobby of Hanna’s office has some sort of calming elevator music playing as I sit and wait for her to call me in.

Just like her office, there’s funky art hanging from the walls and overstuffed couches and chairs that look worn in and deflated.

Since I had finished my work early, I headed over in case she could start early but her door is closed which means she’s with someone.

My phone buzzes in my pocket and since she hasn’t come to get me, I figure it is safe to read the message while I wait.

Sweets:

Hello, love. I just wanted to tell you that I hope you have a good session today. I’m so proud of you for going. Text me after and let me know how it goes

I smile as I read his text but don’t have a chance to reply before Hanna’s office door opens and she and another man step out.

He’s tall, built like a brick wall, and sports the perfect five o’clock shadow.

He’s wearing a deep navy windbreaker that has a firehouse insignia on the left side just over his heart with the number nine embroidered over it.

His brown hair is mussied like someone has just run their fingers through it.

He has a good six inches on her and glances down at her with a coy smile.

“See you next week, doc?” he asks, leaning against the doorframe with one arm.

Hanna uses her thumb to wipe her bottom lip before tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “Yeah, Miles, next week. Same time.”

I don’t think either one of them notices I’m sitting in the lobby, witnessing their exchange. Clearing my throat, she jumps nearly a foot in the air and whips her head to look at me.

“Conrad, you’re early,” she squeaks. Her eyes rival a deer caught in headlights and the man next to her, Miles , doesn’t seem bothered in the slightest at being caught.

“I had a few extra minutes this morning so I came over. Do I need to come back later?” I raise my eyebrows.

“Not at all, come on in.” She waves an arm into her office and Miles takes a step out of the way.

I awkwardly look between the both of them and duck inside.

Turning over my shoulder, I don’t miss the tension between them or the way he seems to strut down the hallway before exiting the lobby.

When she turns around, her cheeks are the faintest shade of pink.

She looks lost in thought with her eyes pointed towards the floor as she closes the door.

“You didn’t just have sex in here, did you? Because my ass is going nowhere near that couch if you did.” I point a finger towards the overstuffed couch she keeps in her office.

“What? Why would you ask me that? Miles is just a client,” she scoffs and wraps her arms across her chest defensively. She crosses the cozy office space in a few short steps and plops down in her usual spot.

“‘ Just a client’ my ass, that guy was ready to rip your clothes off and fuck you right in front of me.” Her mouth falls open at my exclamation. Readjusting her wire-framed glasses and pressing her lips together, she perches herself on her chair and narrows her eyes at me.

“Just shut up and sit your ass down. I’m not having sex in my office and doctor patient confidentiality prevents me from speaking about this any further.

” She nods her head at the couch which I scowl at.

I’m happy for her and the developing relationship she seems to have going on but not if it means I’ll be sitting on her sex couch week after week.

“So, Conrad, tell me what’s been going on. I didn’t see you last week, let’s catch up.” Her notepad is in hand, pen at the ready.

“Our lack of a session last week wasn’t my fault. You canceled on me, remember?” I raise a brow at her.

“I did, and again, I apologize for that. I had an emergency client situation I needed to attend to.”

“Does your emergency rival Thor in muscle mass and just walk out of here looking like he was ready for some sort of sexual awakening?”

“Wow, someone’s quippy today. Something good must be going on in your life. You’re never this amused.”

“You make it sound like it’s a bad thing.”

“Not a bad thing at all, just curious. What’s going on that makes you this…pleasant?” She squints at me and tucks her chin into her shoulder, waiting. I haven’t seen Hanna since Henry and I got together, and I guess haven’t realized how much his sunny disposition has rubbed off on me.

“Work is just going really well is all,” I lie. “Lots of happy clients, you know.” If only she really knows the kind of happy I mean.

“Well that’s great to hear, it’s always nice when work is going well. Anyone new in your life?”

The question is innocent but makes me sit straight up in my seat.

“What?” All the moisture in my mouth dries up and it feels like I’m swallowing sandpaper.

“I asked if there is anyone new in your life?” The way she swings her head to one side causes her blonde hair to sway behind her. She watches me like a cat watches a mouse, ready to pounce when it makes the wrong move.

“Anyone new in your life?” I counter, trying to sidestep her question and turn the conversation back on her.

“This session isn’t about me, it’s about you.”

“But it could be about you. I’d graciously donate my forty-five minutes to you.” I turn my palms face up at her as if I’m giving her a gift.

“Conrad.” Her voice is flat, almost threatening.

I push out a breath and lace my fingers together before hammocking them behind my neck. “ Okay ,” I groan and close my eyes as if doing so will make this any easier. “ Maybe there’s someone new in my life.”

“And what’s his name?” She asks so casually and doesn’t bring her eyes to look at me as she writes her notes.

“Who told you it was a he?” I scoff and curl my lip.

“You did, just now by your reaction. And last time we met you asked me some pretty specific questions that made me wonder.” She sets her pen down and folds her hands over her lap. “So, does he have a name?”

I swallow hard and press my eyebrows together. “You don’t care?”

“Care about what? ”

“Care that I’m sleeping with a man?” She raises her eyebrows in surprise and suppresses a smirk.

“So you’re sleeping with him. Good for you.

” Her tone is light and she drags her words out for comedic effect.

“But no, I don’t care that he’s a man. I care that you’re practicing safe sex, which I hope you are, but I care about that no matter what kind of relationships my clients are in,” she states matter-of-factly.

I study her for a moment, thinking about what she just said.

I’ve gone back and forth with myself on whether or not I was going to talk to her about Henry.

When I walked in today, I decided to just let the conversation go where it may.

Of course she managed to pull it out of me in the first ten minutes of our session.

I shouldn’t be surprised. This girl has some sort of weird voodoo she casts on you when you walk in and sit down on her couch.

Even when you don’t want to, there is something about her that makes you open up and spill your guts.

Part of me knows that I want to tell her about him so I have someone else to talk about him with.

Sure, I can talk to Margaret about him but then there’s the chance that she’ll accidentally let something slip to Magnolia and I’m not going to take that risk.

With Hanna, I have the security of HIPAA on my side.

“So are you going to treat me differently now?” I ask with an edge to my voice.

“Why would I treat you any differently than before?”

“Because I’m…I’m…”

“Gay?” she asks, finishing my sentence for me and using the word I still haven’t mustered up enough gusto to say myself.

Before Henry, I never would’ve labeled myself as being gay, but being with him has forced me to reflect on a lot of my past relationships all of which were typically short-lived and lackluster at best. I’d slept with other women but never more than once because it wasn’t anything like my friends told me it was for them.

The more I thought about it, the more my being gay made sense.

Sideways glances at other guys in the locker room, never really noticing women when my friends and I would go out, and the dull undertone of infatuation with the way NFL players looked in their uniforms whenever a game was on.

Being with Henry and allowing myself to have the feelings I have for him just solidifies the fact that these weren’t mere oddities that I had but clear, screaming signs that I’m more into men than I’ll ever be into women.

I’m gay, even if I’m not ready to outwardly admit it yet.

“Sure, yeah, that,” I bristle and shrug my shoulders.

“You being gay changes absolutely nothing about how I feel about you or how I treat you. You are still the same old, sometimes grumpy Conrad to me.” She smiles widely at me knowing that she’s annoyed me by calling me ‘grumpy.’

I roll my eyes at her and lean back on the couch. When I don’t respond, she decides to fill the empty room with more questions.

“Have you told your friends yet?”

“No, hell no. I mean, Margaret knows but not because I told her. She kind of walked in on us one night,” I grumble.

“You haven’t told the guys?” By the tone of her voice I know she is in full therapist mode now.

“Why would I tell them?”

“Why would you not?” Her counter question strikes me right in the chest. My lips wrap around my teeth as I think about it.

“Because I don’t want things to change.” I shrug, feeling embarrassed.

“What’s going to change?” The softness of her voice irritates me more than it should.

“Everything. Everything will change if they know,” I nearly shout.

“If they find out about him then things will be weird. They won’t look at me the same anymore, things will just be different.

I’m not ready for things to be different.

I’m not ready for them to know that I’m…

that I’m…” my voice trails off again, failing again to say the word aloud.

Hanna looks at me with so much kindness in her eyes and smiles. “Conrad, your friends love you. And they don’t love you because of who you love, they love you because you’re you .” She pauses to see if I have anything to say but I don’t.

“And something I think you’re failing to realize is that things have already changed.

Your friend group has already changed in a lot of different ways which is part of the reason you started seeing me in the first place.

Two of you are married now, and the other two of you are in committed relationships.

You don’t need to fear change happening because it’s already happened. ”

“But if I tell them, things won’t be the same anymore.”

“Change isn’t always a bad thing. And things shouldn’t always be the same.

Sometimes the best things happen when they aren’t the same as they’ve always been.

” Her words are reminiscent of the ones Henry once told me.

That the best things happen when we least expect them to, when we stop trying to control everything all the time.

The flash of his face in my mind warms me a few degrees, the way his dark hair highlights his skin tone and how his eyes like to glance at me while he cooks.

“You sound like Henry,” I groan and realize just how similar their sentiments are.

“So his name is Henry? That’s a good name. It’s always in the name.” She nods and takes more notes.

“What about Miles, is Miles a good name?” I jest and raise a brow at her again.

“We aren’t going there.” She points her pen at me with a scowl. “When you’re ready, I hope you tell your friends about this side of you. I think you’ll find that they’re fully accepting of who you are, regardless of who you’re with.”

I study her for a beat and chew on my cheek.

“And Conrad?”

“Yeah?”

“Saying it for the first time is the hardest part. The word isn’t as scary as you might think. You don’t have to rush, but I’m proud of you for working to step into this version of yourself. And the way I view you changes in no way shape or form. Do you understand?”

She looks at me over the bridge of her nose and I can’t help but smile the littlest bit.

She might be my therapist but the more I come to see her the more I start to see her as a friend too.

I may not have been overly enthused during our first session together but I’m glad I’ve forced myself to come each week anyway.

“Yeah, Hanna, I understand. Thank you.”

She reaches over and pats my knee, giving it a little shake. “Good. Now tell me all about this Henry fellow. I hope Annie likes him or he will have to go.”