Page 18 of Tracing Holland (The Hold Me NSB #2)

She’s about to explode as she turns on me. “No! That’s bullshit and you know it! You’re scared. You’re scared because I mean something to you. Because I got behind your glass barrier, didn’t I? Because our connection is more than sex and you have no clue what to do with that!”

“Yep, that’s it. I’m scared. So original, Holland.” God, what a dick thing to say, but I need her to hate me. I’ll never be strong enough to push her away if she doesn’t.

Her glare turns hostile, and I wonder if she’s actually going to hit me. She doesn’t, but her eyes do it for her.

“Wes is a better match for you anyway. You should stalk him instead,” I continue for good measure. It works, and this time I can see her visibly shake in anger.

“Excuse me?”

I offer a casual shrug. “I mean, it’s obvious there’s something going on there. I bet he doesn’t come with the same baggage. Does your rule apply to your own band?”

“You have no idea what the hell you’re talking about!”

“No? Come on, Holland. You’re lying to yourself if you can’t see your guitar player has it bad for you. He’s doing everything he can to keep me away from you.”

Fire burns in her eyes. “Oh, because you know us so damn well? Like I said, you have no idea what you’re talking about! Is that what this is about? Wes?”

The elevator arrives at our floor and I get out. She follows, but I don’t stop.

“No, this is about us,” I call back with devastating nonchalance. I’ve always been a master at channeling my uncanny ability to read people into the ability to cut them with precision. “You’re the one who told me out of the gate it can’t happen. I’m just respecting your wishes.”

I pull my key out and slide it into my door. But instead of the rage I expect, she softens, her face covered with her sudden desperate plea for me. I can’t look. Oh god, I can’t look.

“Luke, come on. I know whatever this is right now isn’t real. I know this isn’t you.”

“Oh, it’s real,” I lie. “I thought you did your research.”

“No! It’s not. I saw you yesterday with those kids! Your smile! The music! I saw what…”

She takes a step toward my door, and I slam it shut.

“Luke!” she cries, pounding once in frustration. “You asshole!” The wounded tears in her voice are wrecking me. “You’re a fucking asshole, you know that?!”

Yes. I know that.

I slide to the floor, head on my knees, and completely shatter.

I’m functional again by dinnertime, but have no interest in seeing Holland or Wes.

I return Callie’s text letting me know they’re back from the outlets, and ask if they want to go out with just the three of us.

I miss our time together. Callie, Casey, me.

Those few months in my suite were some of the best of my life, and a huge reason why I’m even here to miss them.

I need them right now. I need to be just the three of us again.

Callie writes back that they’re fine with my plan, and an hour later we find ourselves at a steakhouse.

Supposedly, this place is a must for anyone visiting Myrtle Beach, and I like the atmosphere the second we step inside.

It’s upscale, but still laidback in its own way, and we’re seated fairly quickly.

We don’t seem to be recognized, which I appreciate.

It was a rough day and I’m in the mood to disappear.

“Find anything good at the outlets?” I ask, after we’re seated and have placed our drink orders. Casey and Callie exchange a look, and I fold my arms. “What?”

Callie grins, and I swear Casey is blushing.

“Nothing,” Callie covers quickly. “No, we didn’t buy anything interesting. Just some clothing and stuff.”

I give them a skeptical look. “Really. So why’s your face about to explode, Case?” I ask.

Casey glares at Callie. “You said we wouldn’t tell anyone.”

My eyes widen as I lean forward. “Tell anyone what? I don’t count as ‘anyone,’ do I?”

Callie is grinning so broadly I can barely stay seated.

“Wait…No…” I breathe.

She just shrugs and leans into Casey, taking his arm.

“You’re not…no…”

“Not officially, no. But we’ve been talking about it. You know, one day.”

My jaw is on the floor and the warmth returns, starting to melt the freshly frozen barrier on my soul. There is nothing better that could be happening at this moment.

I grip the table. “Are you freaking serious?” I whisper, and Casey returns my grin.

“Calm down, man. We’re just talking.”

“Yeah, but…”

“We may have looked at rings today just for fun,” Callie whispers back.

Casey gives her a gentle shove, and she giggles.

“What? Oh my…That’s amazing! That’s…” I’m totally speechless. “I’m so happy!”

“Like we said, it’s not official so don’t say anything! We’ve only been together a few months,” Casey explains. “It’s just…I don’t know. It feels right, you know?” And I seriously think I might lose my shit at the looks on their faces as they gaze into each other’s eyes.

“Wow, this is…this is definitely not how I thought this conversation was going to go,” I laugh, leaning back in my seat. “You two are so great together. I’m so happy for you, you have no idea.”

Callie’s smile fades as she searches my eyes. “Thank you, Luke. You mean everything to us. You know that, right? No matter what happens, it’s always the three of us against the world, got it?”

I smile and nod. “Callie Roland Straight Talk. Got it.”

She laughs, and Casey just looks confused.

“Huh?” he says.

“Nothing, hon. Hey! They have those ribs you like!” she cries, pointing at the menu.

“Those ribs?”

“Yeah! The little ones with the BBQ sauce!”

Casey casts me an amused glance. “Um…you mean baby back ribs?”

“Yes!”

“Cal, I love you, but every place has ‘those ribs.’”

She scrunches her nose. “Not every place.”

“Most places.”

“Ugh, fine! Anyway, you should get them.”

Casey laughs. “Why? Because you want them? Why don’t you just get them?”

“What if I don’t like them?”

“Then I’ll eat them.”

“What if you don’t like them?”

“You already know I do. Isn’t that what started this conversation?”

“Oh my gosh! You’re so annoying,” she groans, glaring back at her menu.

Casey only laughs and tucks his arm around her shoulders. I’m freaking melting inside, and puking, but mostly melting. They just make you think you’ve got a shot at life. Every. Single. Time.

“What about you? How were the pools?” Callie asks me, immediately slamming a pickax into my contentment.

I force a smile. “Great. The hot tub was great. Didn’t do much swimming.”

She nods. “Looks like you got a little sun. I’m glad. I worry about you and your vampire tendencies.”

I smile again, dreading the moment when she finds out how badly I screwed things up with Holland.

I’m still haunted by it all, even though I did the right thing, the humane thing.

I did what had to be done. For all of us.

But just when I think I’ve got the pain under control, I remember our song, how the music brought us together and connected us in a way I’ve never felt before, not even with Elena.

I loved Elena so much, but we didn’t share the music.

I never felt my soul suck another in like it had at that moment with Holland.

I didn’t even know it was possible and now I’m a hostage.

“You ok?” Callie asks, concerned, and I force myself to refocus.

“Yeah, of course. Why?”

She’s still looking at me, as is Casey. I thought it would be a good idea to be alone with them, but now I’m not so sure.

“Your face changed. You look darker all of a sudden.”

I laugh, but I doubt anyone believes it. “I’m fine. Just hungry. You know what you’re getting?”

They let me off the hook, even though I know I’ve done a terrible job covering my tracks. They don’t believe a word I’m saying, but are willing to let it go.

“Well, I’m getting the ribs, apparently,” Casey mutters.

Callie’s grin returns. “Yes! Thanks, hon. Love you.”

He rolls his eyes and closes his menu. “Just don’t get a salad. Because if we’re switching meals, there’s no way in hell I’m trading ribs for lettuce.”

Most of the group wants to hang out at the hot tubs and drink again that night. Since I no longer drink and would rather stab myself in the eye than face Holland right now, I pass in favor of an evening alone with Percy.

I love the view from my balcony and decide to take full advantage of it while I can.

Something about the moon reflecting off the ocean appeals to me, and I stare at it for a long time, absently strumming several progressions that have been in my head for a while.

The chords are far removed from my usual patterns, but they’re beautiful and particularly haunting in the darkness.

I can hear the laughter from the pool deck below and I’m glad they’re having such a good time.

I’m not jealous of other people’s happiness, just confused by it.

I guess, deep down, I long for it too, I just don’t understand it or how to let myself accept it.

Callie’s words had struck hard that day at lunch.

She was right. I do deny myself, but I don’t know how to embrace happiness when it almost always seems to be a zero-sum game for me.

My happiness in exchange for someone else’s misery.

I’m not doing that anymore. I’m protecting Holland.

Our song was beautiful but it shouldn’t exist in my universe.

I close my eyes and start humming along with the guitar. Words begin to filter in with the notes, which are becoming clear patterns. There’s a song forming, I can sense the pieces snapping into place in my head. My strumming becomes more deliberate, my voice stronger.

“ Guide me toward the light, I swear I’ll follow.

Forgive me for the man I am.

Fight the hollow ghost I carry.

I’ve learned to hide the tears,

Though they still break me.

Search for me, the broken wanderer

Find me, deep within my own void

Save me, from my burning lies

Don’t believe what I am

I’m a fallen angel,

The disease you can’t understand

I’m the reason you’ve lost faith, your sin

But I’m a liar, don’t believe me, please don’t believe me

Guide me toward the light, I swear I’ll follow

Hold me til the hollowness is gone

These tears mean nothing in the darkness

Don’t believe what I am.

I need you to believe when I can’t

That I’m more, more than I am. ”

It’s not until I stop playing, the waves once again filling the darkness with their chorus, that I realize the party below is silent as well.

I wake up the next morning to a slip of paper under my door. I pick it up and try to calm my racing heart as I scan the elegant text.

You are a liar, Luke, and a damn good one. But no one can ever believe enough for you, not until you do. I hope you find your peace.

- H