Page 29 of Toxic Salvation (Krayev Bratva #2)

VESPER

Life is definitely no fairytale.

You know how I know?

Because ideally, what should have followed my little confession is a long, passionate kiss. Or maybe even a reciprocal declaration of his own. Hell, I’d have even settled for a smile.

Instead, I get precisely two seconds under the full power of Kovan’s stare before Luka runs up to us, melting ice cream cone in hand, trips on his own feet, and sends said melting ice cream cone flying through the air toward me.

Luka falls face-first onto the grass. I get a face full of melting peanut butter ice cream.

Fairy tale, this is not.

“Oops! Sorry, Vesper,” Luka winces as he gets to his feet, grass stains on his knees.

Kovan gives me the once-over, biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself from laughing as he passes me a tissue. “I think that’s our cue to go home.”

I spend the whole drive home feeling sticky and uncomfortable while the boys laugh about how I looked when the ice cream hit my face. Peanut butter drips down my shirt collar and into places I don’t want to think about.

“Cheer up, V,” Waylen teases from the passenger seat. “If you’re gonna be attacked by something, peanut butter ice cream kinda takes the sting out of it, huh?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I should shove your face into a big vat of peanut butter ice cream and you can tell me. How’s that sound?”

Luka perks up from the backseat. “Can we try that? Please?”

“No!” Waylen and Kovan say simultaneously.

“Aw, man!” Luka pouts, crossing his arms. “You guys never let me do anything fun.”

The moment we get back home, the boys scatter to their respective corners and I head straight to my bedroom to wash the peanut butter disaster off me. My hair feels matted, my clothes are ruined, and I smell like a candy shop exploded.

It’s not until I’m standing in the shower, with warm, sudsy water running down my back, that I start panicking about what happened at the park. Not the ice cream incident—the other thing. The part where I basically confessed my feelings for Kovan when all he’d ever said he wanted was to co-parent.

Maybe he doesn’t want a relationship with me at all. Why would he, when he can have someone uncomplicated? Someone whose father didn’t work closely with his to dupe an entire city out of their healthy organs? Someone who doesn’t come with a family history of murder and betrayal?

“I’m an idiot,” I mutter to myself as I wash off the soap and stickiness. “What did I do? What the hell did I just do?”

I scrub harder, trying to wash away more than just ice cream residue.

When I’m done, I wrap my towel around my chest, comb out my hair, and stare at myself in the mirror. How do I walk back what I said to Kovan in the park? Maybe I can just pretend nothing happened. If he follows suit, I’ll know exactly where I stand.

My stomach churns as I step back into my room. I’m looking forward to face-planting into my bed and not getting up for several hours. But when I exit the bathroom, I realize I have a visitor.

Kovan is still wearing the same black slacks and white t-shirt from the park. And why not? He didn’t have ice cream running down his chest.

But his presence makes me extremely conscious that I’m standing here in a towel and nothing else.

“I thought we could talk,” he explains, closing the bedroom door behind him.

“Now?” I squeak.

“No time like the present.” He gives me a smile that makes my skin heat up instantly.

“Okay… Erm… will you give me a few minutes? I just need to go put something—” I break off as he walks right up to me, his fingers curling around a stray lock of hair twisting over my shoulder.

“Why?” he murmurs. “You look perfect to me like this.”

I make sure my towel is securely fastened under my armpits and sit down at the edge of my bed. Kovan sits beside me, but far enough away that I can’t tell where this conversation is headed.

Is he here to let me down easy? Or is he about to tell me he feels the same way?

“Thank you for telling me what you told me back at the park,” he starts, and my stomach drops. It sounds exactly like the opening line to a conversation that ends with ‘it’s not you, it’s me.’ “I have to say, I was surprised.”

I consider trying to walk back my comment. Maybe I can convince him I didn’t really mean what I said. Or that I meant something different. But no matter which way I slice it, it ends up cutting the same way.

I made myself vulnerable without knowing where he stands.

“I thought after what I told you about our fathers?—”

“I’m not going to judge you based on your father, Kovan,” I interrupt. “Just like I hope you won’t judge me based on mine.”

“Of course not.”

“What you told me… it wasn’t easy to hear,” I admit. “But it also has nothing to do with us. Not really.”

His expression gives nothing away. “No, you’re right. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still the pakhan of the Krayev Bratva. I may not want to profit off the organ trade, but there are plenty of things I do profit off of. Plenty of things that some people might find unethical.”

“Do they involve hurting innocent people?”

“No.”

“Then I can deal with it.”

He raises his eyebrows, forehead creasing. “You can deal with it? Just like that?”

“No, not ‘just like that.’ Nothing about the last few months has been easy. But we met and we made a deal and somewhere along the way, it stopped being a deal and became personal.” I take a breath.

“I know Luka’s not my kid, Kovan, but he feels like mine.

I want to be part of his life. I want to be the mother he deserves. ”

His eyes shimmer. “Even if we weren’t together, Vesper, I wouldn’t keep you from him. I know I did once and I’ll always regret that, but I’ve realized he only benefits from having you around. I’ll never make the same mistake again.”

I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now, but it feels a lot like heartburn.

“I-I see,” I mumble, getting to my feet. I desperately wish I had put some clothes on. I’m already vulnerable as hell right now. Being practically naked doesn’t help things one bit.

“Vesper—”

“No, it’s okay, Kovan,” I blurt out. I’m doing my best to keep a lid on my emotions until he’s out of my room and I can cry in peace. “I get it. You didn’t sign up for any of this. You told me before—you never wanted a long-term commitment and then I went and got pregnant and?—”

“Vesper.” He grabs me by the shoulders and spins me around. “I’m trying to tell you that I don’t want you to force yourself to be with me just because you think you’ll lose Luka. I’m telling you that, no matter what you decide, he’s going to be in your life.”

The tightness in my chest alleviates just a little. “Oh.” I take a deep breath, but the nerves still linger. “So, you’re not here to let me down easy?”

He snorts. “Of course not. I’m here to make sure you know you have options. Even if I don’t happen to like some of those options.”

My head starts to spin. Suddenly, it doesn’t matter that I’m half-naked or vulnerable or scared out of my mind that Kovan might not want me.

The only thing that matters is being brave.

“I choose you, Kovan,” I breathe. “I’ll admit, it took me a while to realize you’re what I want. But that’s because I was scared and nervous and not sure if I could be part of your world.”

“What’s changed?”

“I’ve seen how you are with Luka. I’ve seen what you’re willing to do for me. I have no doubt you’ll do anything for our baby. That’s what I want. That’s who I want as the father of my child. So I guess I realized that what I stand to gain is a hell of a lot more important than my fear.”

“You’re not wrong to be scared,” he agrees softly, looking down. “My world can be brutal and you’re not going to like a lot of it.”

“Maybe not. But I love you,” I confess. “And the rest, I can deal with.”

Kovan opens his mouth, but he doesn’t seem to know what to say.

“Wow,” I laugh awkwardly, “did I just render you speechless? I didn’t think that was possible.”

He doesn’t return the laugh. “You… love me?”

I smile, wondering why I was so damn scared of admitting that before now. “Yes, I do. I may regret a lot of things in my life, Kovan, but I’m damn sure I’ll never regret that.”

“You’re sure?”

“Are you trying to talk me out of this?” I ask, half-teasing and half-despairing. “Because I’d rather you just tell me the truth straight. If you don’t want me, just tell me. But don’t try to make me change my mind, because that’s not going to happen.”

He runs a hand over his stubbled jaw. “I’m not a good man, Vesper.”

“I’m not sure I’m a good woman, either,” I admit.

Kovan snorts as though the very suggestion is ridiculous. I grab his arm and force his eyes to mine.

“You don’t get it. I grew up a child living a sheltered life.

Of course I thought all choices were simple, were easy, were black and white—because I didn’t have any difficult choices to make.

My biggest decision was whether to go to Harvard Medical School or Stanford. That’s not a choice—it’s a privilege.”

“It’s not the same thing, Vesper?—”

“But it is!” I insist. “You live your whole life thinking you’re this ethical, moral, conscientious human being, only to find out that when it comes down to the hard choices, you’d choose your family over your morals, your ethics…

even your conscience. I was so superior. I just didn’t know any better.”

He stares at me. “I guess we have that in common then.” His arms are tense. It’s as though he’s still holding his breath.

I summon up the last of my courage. “So, I guess the only question left to ask is, do you still want me? Because if not?—”

But before I can get the rest of my sentence out, his lips are on mine. Firm and passionate, he kisses me breathless.

The towel falls.

His hands roam south.

And just like that, everything in my world is right again.