Page 39 of Tough Guy (Game Changers #3)

“Can you believe how many people are out there?” Vanessa said as she bounced into the green room. Fabian had not, in fact, looked to see how many people were in the club. It was one of the largest venues he had ever played; he was impressed that his label had booked it for his album release.

In truth, there was only one person he wanted to see in the crowd. And there was no chance of that.

“You look incredible,” Vanessa said. “I love that jumpsuit.”

Fabian had worn the black jumpsuit that he now thought of as Ryan’s. He had paired it with the exquisite necklace that was indisputably Ryan’s. He’d stopped short of wearing the lace underwear.

His stomach churned. He’d never had stage fright once in his entire life, but he was a ball of nerves tonight. He’d been horribly fragile since he’d walked out on Ryan.

God, he hoped Ryan was all right. Fabian should have been more patient with him.

Leaving him the way he had couldn’t have been helpful, and he had been worried for weeks that Ryan may have spiraled as a result.

Fabian had considered reaching out to him before this show, but he hadn’t been able to make himself do it.

Some part of him still thought their relationship was impossible, no matter how he felt about Ryan.

So now Fabian had no choice but to haul his broken heart onto the stage.

The manager of the club entered the room. “You ready?” she asked.

Fabian nodded and stood. He took some deep breaths to try to calm his stomach, then turned and hugged Vanessa. “Thank you,” he said. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Knock ’em dead, all right?”

He straightened, and attempted a smile. “Of course.”

He walked onstage to a wall of enthusiastic applause and whistles.

He smiled at his audience—as enormous as Vanessa had described—and waved as he walked to the middle of the stage.

When he reached the center, he lifted his violin and bow from its case, stood in front of the mic, and closed his eyes.

He took two more slow breaths, centering himself.

This was where he came alive. He loved this.

He opened his eyes and brought his violin to his chin.

He took one more long breath, and started to play.

He let the music wrap around him, reverberating off the walls of the club and returning to him.

He let it feed him, filling all the places inside him that had been empty for weeks.

He needed this energy so he could give it right back to his audience.

Later, when there was nothing left of him, Fabian could drag his husk of a body back home and fall apart, but right now his audience deserved him at his best.

He put on the show of his life. He played his heart out, and he knew his own anguish was very present in every melancholy note he sang.

He didn’t play the song he’d written about Ryan.

When he finished his set, he smiled, then bowed as the audience went wild with applause. Sweat beaded along his hairline from the exertion of playing, and he flicked his bangs aside with the tip of his bow.

He’d worked so fucking hard for this moment.

Ten years almost since he’d quit the Symphony to make exactly this happen.

His eyes burned with tears and he let them fall.

He covered his mouth with his hand, trying to stop himself from full-on sobbing in front of this audience.

Because they weren’t just happy tears. He regretted how this night could have been, if he’d still had Ryan.

He wiped at his eyes, making a mess, he was sure, of his makeup.

He blinked to clear his vision and took another moment to remember this audience.

To really soak it all in before he left the stage.

His gaze traveled over the crowd until it landed on a flash of red hair in the very back, standing head and shoulders above everyone else.

Ryan?

It was definitely Ryan. There was no mistaking him. And when Fabian’s gaze stayed on him, Ryan smiled sheepishly and gave a little thumbs-up.

Fabian gasped. His heart beat for what felt like the first time in weeks.

Without thinking, he lowered himself down from the stage, into the crowd.

People were touching him, patting him on the back, grabbing his arms, but he ignored them.

He just kept walking, forcing people to step aside because he would walk right over them if they didn’t.

It took forever to reach the back of the club, and for a moment Fabian worried that he had hallucinated the whole thing. But then he saw him. Huge and gorgeous and real. And wearing the scarf Fabian had given him for Christmas.

“Hi,” Ryan said.

Fabian didn’t say anything. He just wrapped his arms around him and held on as tight as he could. A second later, Ryan returned the hug, wrapping his strong arms around him and pulling him close.

“Good show,” Ryan said.

“You came,” Fabian sniffed.

“Yeah. Is that okay?”

Fabian nodded against his wonderful, solid chest. “It’s okay.”

“You got plans after this?”

“Not anymore.”

Ryan laughed. “I was hoping we could talk.”

“Yes.” Fabian pulled back and smiled up at him through wet eyes. “Don’t leave, all right? I need to stick around for a bit but...stay. In fact, stay right by my side. I don’t want to lose you.” Not again. Not ever again.

“Okay.”

They took a cab back to Fabian’s apartment. It was twenty below zero outside, and the club was outside of the Village.

Ryan had been uncertain about going to Fabian’s show, but he knew he had to at least try.

He literally had nothing left to lose. When he saw Fabian onstage, wearing his necklace, Ryan’s heart had lifted.

Fabian couldn’t completely be done with him if he was wearing his present to such an important show.

He’d been planning what he would say, if given the opportunity, for days. It seemed his opportunity had arrived.

He followed Fabian into his apartment, and was overcome with relief. He thought he’d never see this room again.

Fabian was still wearing his stage outfit. He was also still wearing his makeup, though the black liner around his eyes had smudged quite a bit.

“Give me a moment?” Fabian asked. “I want to clean myself up before we talk.”

“Of course.”

Ryan sat on the end of the bed and waited while Fabian did whatever he needed to do in the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later, Fabian emerged in a black satin dressing gown with a freshly scrubbed face and wet hair. He was still wearing the necklace.

Ryan laughed. “Do you ever take that off?”

Fabian smiled, and walked to the stove. “When I have to.” He took the kettle that was on one of the burners and filled it with water, then returned it to the stove. “Truthfully, this is the first time I’ve worn it since...well. You know.”

Ryan knew. “I’m glad you wore it tonight.”

“I’m glad you were there to see it.” He pulled two mugs out of a cupboard above the fridge and set them on the tiny counter. “Is mint tea okay?”

“That sounds perfect.”

Fabian prepared their tea while Ryan watched in silence. There seemed to be an unspoken agreement between them that they would wait until the tea was ready to really get into things.

By the time Fabian handed him a steaming mug of mint tea, Ryan’s nerves were up again.

He had planned to speak first, but maybe that wasn’t the best idea.

Fabian sat in the chair that was free of discarded clothing tonight, facing Ryan and the end of the bed.

His bare toes nearly touched the ends of Ryan’s socked ones.

“I quit hockey,” Ryan blurted out.

Fabian’s eyes widened.

“I mean, I am quitting. I’m in the process of quitting. But I won’t be playing any more games. I’m done.”

“Wow. That...wasn’t what I was expecting.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do next, but I have money, so I can take some time to figure that out. And...heal.”

“How’s your back?”

“A lot better. I had some days off and I rested it.”

“I’m glad.”

Ryan could tell Fabian was being cautious. He didn’t blame him.

“I haven’t taken a painkiller in over a week. Not even an Advil. Nothing.”

Fabian chewed his lip, then said, “I'm such an idiot. I don't know the first thing about hockey, or chronic pain, or medicine, and I should have trusted you.”

“Maybe. But I'm not always sure I can trust myself. I've always done what's best for the team, and you're right, sometimes that meant taking a stupid amount of painkillers instead of letting myself heal. Hockey is selfish that way.”

Fabian cupped his hands around his mug. “Even if you were developing an addiction, it was heartless of me to walk away like that. You needed help and support. Not...that.”

“You were scared.”

“I was terrified,” Fabian corrected. “But I want you to know...you don’t have to quit hockey. For me, I mean. If that’s why you did it—”

“It’s not the only reason. What you said was true—hockey isn’t good for me.”

Fabian looked relieved. “All right. But if you think quitting is the only way I’ll be with you, it isn’t true. I was being selfish and that was a ridiculous thing to demand of you.”

Ryan’s heart flipped. “You want to be with me?”

Fabian’s lips quirked up. “You caught that, did you?”

Ryan grinned stupidly at him, then snapped out of it and remembered what he’d wanted to say. “Okay. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to say. And I practiced it. So I want to say it.”

“You practiced it?”

“Yes.”

“Well by all means, let’s hear it.”

Ryan stood and set his mug on Fabian’s desk. “The thing is—” He paused, already lost. “These past few months—” Damn it. “I know we haven’t—” He sighed, and then cursed under his breath.

“Ryan.” Fabian stood and placed a hand on his arm. “You don’t have to say anything.”

Ryan shook his head. “I’m in love with you.” He swallowed. “I had to say that. Just that.”

Fabian pressed his lips together, and his eyes glistened. He let out one long shuddering breath, and said, “I think it might be possible that I’ve always been in love with you. I know how absurd that sounds, but it’s the truth.”

Ryan smiled so wide it hurt. “Can I kiss you, then?”

“Yes. One moment.” Fabian climbed onto the chair he’d been sitting in, standing on it this time. He stood a couple of inches taller than Ryan now, which made Ryan laugh.

And then he tilted his head up to kiss the man he loved. Fabian wrapped his arms around Ryan’s neck, and Ryan hooked an arm under Fabian’s ass and hauled him off the chair so he could carry him to the bed.

“Your back really is better,” Fabian said happily.

“Yeah. Let me show you what else it can do.”

Fabian’s eyebrows shot up. “My goodness!”

Ryan laughed and dropped him on the mattress. “You look so sexy in that thing.”

“What?” Fabian asked, gliding a hand over the silky material of his dressing gown. “This? I’m glad you like it because I’m freezing. It’s not at all appropriate for frigid midwinter nights.”

“I’ll warm you up.”

“Of course you will. Get your clothes off.”

“Ryan,” Fabian murmured later, when they were tangled up in bed together, sleepy and sated, “I have a very important question about your thighs.”

“What’s that?”

“What happens to them after you stop playing hockey?”

Ryan paused a moment from stroking Fabian’s hair. “They’ll probably turn into regular thighs.”

“That’s what I was afraid of.”

“Quitting hockey doesn’t sound so great now, does it?” Ryan teased.

“Hm. I suppose I’ll have to learn to live with only your towering height, your gorgeous face, and your enormous cock.”

“And my fun personality.”

Fabian slapped his arm lightly. “You’re plenty of fun.” He rolled on top of Ryan and gazed down at him. “And you’re sweet. And I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I’m playing some shows out of town later this month. Would you like to join me?”

“Flying?”

Fabian laughed. “You greatly overestimate the travel budget of an indie musician. No, I’ll be driving or taking the train.”

“Oh.” Ryan grinned. “Yeah. Okay. I’ll go with you. We can take my car.”

“My label is planning a Canadian tour for me this summer. If spending the summer driving for hours between Canadian cities with a rising star appeals to you, you could come along.”

For a long moment, Ryan didn’t say anything.

It sounded perfect, driving across the country with the man he loved.

Being there to watch Fabian dazzle audiences in different cities.

Being there to kiss Fabian after his shows, and then taking him back to their hotel room and showing him exactly how proud he was to be his boyfriend.

“But this isn’t all about me,” Fabian added, breaking Ryan’s giddy fantasy. “We’re going to figure out what you need. What makes you happy, Ryan?”

At the moment, Ryan couldn’t imagine needing more than the man he had in his arms, but he said, “I don’t know. But I can’t wait to find out.”