Page 8

8

Cody

M y inbox is exploding, but I can’t face it right now. I know that most of the emails are offers from other teams that have heard I broke my contract, but I can’t quite bring myself to open them. I know that once I do, I’ll be on the path of finding a new team.

I won’t have a problem finding someone who will take me. I know I’m a good player and I’m easy to work with. That’s not the issue.

The issue is that taking another offer will be leaving Luke and his team— my team —for good. I mean, I know I’ve already quit, but I still can’t bring myself to take that final step and sort out getting out of my contract early.

As much as I know that I need to stay far away from Luke, leaving him behind is easier said than done.

My traitorous feelings, instead of fading with distance, have simply used that distance to torture me. No matter what I do or where I go, everything seems to remind me of Luke. It’s like the world is conspiring to hurt me.

I’ll catch a glimpse of someone with chocolate brown eyes exactly like his, and for a moment think it’s him before taking in the real person before me or see a set of broad shoulders that looks almost like him until the person turns around and I get a glimpse of their full profile.

I find myself turning to Luke multiple times in the day, wanting to share something or the other with him, but of course, Luke isn’t there, and it’s all my fault.

Nights are the worst. I remember what it felt like to fall asleep with Luke, and more often than not end up crying myself to sleep.

Every day, I constantly question my decision to leave. This hurts so much; I’m starting to wonder if it was worth it. But every time, I come back to the same answer.

If it hurts this much now, when the feelings were just developing, imagine how much it would hurt later, if I allowed myself to fall fully in love with Luke, and he betrayed me.

I’d like to think Luke would never do that, but after Zack, I realized that I could never make that assumption of anyone.

I know I shouldn’t do it, but I can’t help but keep track of Luke. He has a the first big game of the season coming up. I wonder how he is doing and if he ever thinks of me.

In a moment of weakness and loneliness, I buy a ticket to the game. I want to see him again, even though he won’t see me. Especially because he won’t see me. Maybe if I just see him one more time, it’ll give me the strength I need to move on from him for good.

I wear sunglasses and a baseball cap- I don’t want to be recognized today and face awkward questions about why I am not playing. I make my way into the crowd, which is chattering excitedly. Everyone is here to have a good time. I’m here to mourn. I feel out of place and hope I don’t tear up as I see Luke come onto the field.

When my team—no, Luke’s team—finally comes out onto the field, my eyes are on Luke from the start. I’m too far away to see his face, but I know him instantly him from his build and the way he walks. He looks as tempting as always.

For a moment, I imagine what it might have been like if things had been different. Luke and I could have been walking onto that field together. Win or lose, we could kiss afterward in the showers until our teammates told us to knock it off.

We’d go out holding hands and celebrate, then come home and make sweet love to each other…

Fuck, I am so not over him, and I don’t know if this is going to help, but I’m here now, so I may as well watch the game.

I quickly get drawn in, not so much to the game but to watching Luke move. I honestly have no idea what the score is as the crowd cheers and groans around me. The way Luke runs is like watching a predator chase down prey. He zones in on the ball and goes for it, and it’s beautiful to see.

In the end, our team wins, and I cheer along with everyone else. I watch as the team hugs ecstatically before bouncing off toward the changing rooms.

I know I should go home. I start going home, but my feet carry me in a different direction. They take me toward the changing rooms, just outside the entrance, where I know Luke will be coming out in a few minutes once he’s done showering.

This is a bad idea. What would I even say to Luke? I treated him horribly. I left with no explanation and then ignored his every attempt to check on me. He deserves better than that. He deserves better than what I can give him—a broken man with a shattered heart, too scared to let himself love again.

Yeah, this is definitely a bad idea. I turn to leave, but it’s too late.

“Cody?”

I grimace, wondering if I should just keep walking, but my body is once more moving without my permission. I find myself turning to face Luke. “Hi,” I say softly.

Luke flies at me, flinging his arms around me, hugging me so tightly it takes my breath away. “I was so worried!” Luke presses his nose into the side of my neck, and that small action nearly breaks me. I wrap my arms around him, hugging him just as tightly in return. “What happened to you?”

“It doesn’t matter. I just—I shouldn’t even be here.”

I try to pull back, but Luke isn’t having any of that. “No way. Not a chance. I am not letting you go again. We’re going back to my place, and we’re going to talk.”

“Luke, I shouldn’t—”

“It’s just one conversation, Cody. One conversation isn’t going to kill you.”

He’s right. I owe him this much.

“Alright. Don’t you want to celebrate with the team, though?”

“Fuck celebrating. You’re more important. Let’s go.”

We’re quiet on the drive to Luke’s house. He smells fresh from the shower and his damp hair looks almost black and slicked back. There are a lot of important things that need to be said, but neither of us wants to start saying them in the car.

When we get inside, I perch on Luke’s sofa, expecting him to sit opposite me, but instead, he slots himself behind me, pulling me into his arms.

I shouldn’t allow this, but it feels so good, I can’t bring myself to tell him to stop. “Talk to me,” Luke murmurs in my ear. “What happened?”

“I can’t. It’s better not to. I’ll just hurt you.”

“You’ve already hurt me, Cody.” There is no anger in Luke’s voice, just sadness. “Trust me, telling the truth isn’t going to make it hurt more. It may even make it hurt less.”

I hate that I’ve hurt him. I never meant to hurt Luke, but I was so worried about protecting myself that I gave little thought to what I was doing to him.

I sigh, relaxing into Luke’s comforting embrace. “It was exactly what I feared. I started developing feelings for you. I couldn’t let that happen. You know why I couldn’t.”

“But Cody, we talked about this from the start. We said that if you started feeling things that scared you, we could pull back. There was no reason for you to up and leave. If you’d told me you needed to walk things back between us, I would have respected that.”

I clasp Luke’s hands, hating the hurt in his voice. “I know. It was never about you, Luke. I know you would have respected my boundaries. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to respect those boundaries. I knew that if I stayed, I would keep falling for you. I’d already proven that I couldn’t resist you. It was only a matter of time. I had to go. It was the only way to protect myself.”

Luke sighs, squeezing my hands. “I understand why you did it, but you’re wrong, Cody. You don’t need to protect yourself from me. I would never betray you.”

“Zack told me the same thing.”

“I am not Zack. We’ve got something special between us. I know you feel it too. Are you really going to throw it away just because you’re scared? Sure, it’s a risk, but living is a risk. Honestly, how likely do you think it is that I’d betray you?”

“Not likely,” I admit, “but I thought the same of Zack.”

“So, you got a bad egg. What are the chances of you getting two in a row? There are good people in the world, Cody. Don’t let one bad experience close you off to ever having another good one.”

“What are you suggesting, Luke?”

Luke sits up slightly and moves forward so that he can look at me. “Come on a date with me. Let’s give us a real chance. We can go as slow as you like. Just try, Cody. Please? For me?”

How can I resist him when he’s saying things like that? When he’s looking at me so sweetly and sincerely that I can’t imagine him ever doing anything to hurt me.

“I’m not Zack,” Luke says quietly. “I can prove it to you, if you’d just let me.”

I feel like I’m rushing headlong toward a cliff and I have no way to stop. I’m not sure if I want to.

The edge approaches and I see what is beyond, and it is beautiful.

I jump.

“Okay.”

To say I’m nervous is an understatement. I’m a fucking wreck. This is my first date since Zack and it’s with Luke. It’s not exactly low stakes. This is the man I—well, it’s Luke. I care for him way too much already.

Now that I’ve agreed to date him, I desperately don’t want to mess this up. He’s already been kinder than I deserve, giving me a second chance after I freaked out and quit the team.

I was more than a little surprised when Brandon welcomed me back with open arms. Apparently, my contract was still in place and they wanted me back. They hadn’t taken my impulsive quitting seriously. I stepped back in like I’d never left.

None of the rest of the team knows the details of why I left, but they’ve all figured out that it was some kind of personal issue between Luke and me. Now, though, we’re playing better than ever together and things are looking good.

Except my closet. My closet is a fucking disaster. Why do I have nothing to wear?

I pull out yet another pair of pants, holding them against my hips before tossing them aside. Too casual. We’re not going anywhere formal, but I still want to dress nicely. This is our first real date, after all, and I don’t want Luke to feel like I’m not making any effort.

I unfold a shirt only to throw it away in disgust. That’s not going to do at all. I’m not feeling nearly confident enough to wear red right now. Another pair of pants goes on the discarded pile—too formal.

I glance at the clock and yelp in panic. It’s just ten minutes until Luke is due to arrive. I snatch up the first two things on the pile and put them on, grimacing, realizing that I’m not going to be happy with anything at this point.

Red shirt and too formal pants it is, I guess. I probably look ridiculous, but it’s better than showing up at the door in my underwear.

I barely have time to brush my hair and run wax through it before the doorbell rings.

I hurry to the door and wrench it open, nearly groaning in dismay at the sight. Why does Luke have to look like a sex god come down to grace the Earth and here I am in my stupidly mismatched clothes?

“Cody? Are you alright?”

Why does he have to be able to read me so well? I mean, I love it most of the time, but it certainly gets inconvenient in moments like this.

“I’m good. You look great.”

“So do you.”

I roll my eyes.

“No, don’t roll your eyes, you truly do look great. Red is definitely your color.”

“I didn’t know what to wear,” I mumble.

“Well, you chose well.” Luke hands me a bunch of flowers that I hadn’t even noticed, I’d been so busy ogling at him.

“Thanks. Do you want to come in? I’ll just put these in a vase.”

Luke follows me inside and waits while I fill a vase with water.

I turn to him, only to find him standing closer than I expected. “Can I kiss you?” Luke asks, a little breathlessly.

“I thought that was supposed to wait until after the date?”

“One for luck before we go?”

“One for luck,” I agree, moving to close the distance between us. Our lips meet in a kiss that starts off sweet but heats up as our bodies start to wake up and remember each other.

After a few moments, we pull apart, and now we’re definitely both breathless. I’m glad I’m not driving, because driving with my growing boner would be tricky. I glance down at Luke’s pants and grin.

“Good luck driving in that.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Oh, really? That sounds like a challenge to me.”

I lean close to him and press my hand against his groin, rubbing gently but firmly. Luke groans and clutches at my shoulders, thrusting his hips forward into my touch.

I wait for Luke’s cock to become rock hard and straining through his pants before pulling away.

“You’re trying to kill me.”

“Nah, I just want to torture you a little. Shall we go, then?”

“Ugh, you’re the worst.”

“You love it.”

“I do,” Luke admits. “Let’s go.”

We go to Luke’s favorite local diner and sit down opposite each other. Luke smiles and takes my hands over the table. “How have you been, Cody? Really?”

“Nervous,” I admit. “I mean, we haven’t even finished our official first date yet and I…”

“And you?”

“I care about you,” I admit softly. “A lot. That scares me.”

“I care about you a lot too. That’s a good starting point, don’t you think?”

“I guess so. It’s just…”

“I’m not Zack,” Luke reminds me. “I know it’s hard but try not to overlay your old experiences onto this relationship. We’re creating something entirely new here. History is not going to repeat itself. We’re going to be great, Cody. I can feel it.”

“I wish I had your certainty.”

“Yours will come. For now, I can be certain enough for the both of us. That’s what couples do—they carry each other when one isn’t certain of the way.”

“You’re going to get tired of carrying me. I’ve got way too much baggage. It’s not fair to make you carry it too.”

Luke squeezes my hands over the table. “I’d never get tired of you, Cody. I want you, baggage and all.”

“I want you too,” I mumble, squeezing his hands back.

“Good. Now that we’re on the same page, let’s eat! I’m starving.”

Grateful for the change to a lighter subject, I pick up the menu.

I don’t know what the future will hold, but I have a good feeling about tonight.