Page 10

10

Cody

M y heart is beating so loudly in my chest that I can barely hear anything… anything except my own weirdly loud breathing, that is.

I feel like history is repeating itself. I stare at Luke, on one knee before me, looking so sincere and loving. I know that I should see Luke and Luke alone, but all I can see is Zack. Zack’s words might have been different when he proposed, but the look on his face was the same—the look filled with promise and hope.

I had been taken in by that promise and hope, only to be crushed by it. Luke is looking expectantly at me, and I open my mouth to say yes, that I want to marry him—because I do, I really do—but it won’t come out. Fear clogs my throat, making it impossible to say that one little word I so desperately need to say.

I want to marry Luke… but I can’t open myself up to that kind of hurt again. I just can’t do it.

“I’m so sorry.” My voice is little more than a whisper, but Luke is so close that I’m sure he can hear me. “I can’t.”

Luke’s face crumples in hurt and disappointment, and that look pierces my heart.

I stumble away from him and flee like the coward I am, not looking back.

I wonder if I should even go home. Luke probably won’t want to see me at the apartment that we now share, but I don’t know where else to go.

I stumble in and collapse on the couch, my head falling into my hands. What have I just done?

I remember the crushed look on Luke’s face. I’ve broken his heart. He wants me in a way I’ll never give myself to him, to anyone, ever again… and now I’ve hurt him irreversibly.

Guilt and shame well up within me. I don’t deserve Luke. I can’t give him what he wants. There is only thing to do.

I’m halfway through packing when the door opens. I freeze. I was so distraught that I hadn’t even given thought to what I would do if Luke arrived before was gone.

“Cody? What are you doing?”

“I’m leaving, Luke. I’m so sorry that I’ve wasted all your time. I’ll go now.”

“What?! What are you talking about? Cody, I love you. We can talk about this. I’m sorry that I proposed before you were ready, but remember what you said? Whatever happens, we can talk it through and move past it.”

“It wasn’t that I wasn’t ready, Luke. It’s that I’m never going to be ready. You want something that I’ll never be able to give you.”

“That’s not true. I want you. ”

“You want marriage; you wouldn’t have proposed if you didn’t.”

“I want marriage with YOU, Cody! If you’re not here, it doesn’t matter.”

“You’ll find someone else to love, someone who can be everything you need.”

“Cody, don’t—”

I finish packing my bag and start dragging it down the hall. “I’m so sorry, Luke. For everything.”

Then I leave and don’t look back. I’m not proud of that. My therapist Cathie won’t be proud of me running again either, but I don’t think of Cathie in this moment.

I go to a hotel. It’ll take me some time to find a suitable apartment in the city. I give brief thought to finding another team. Playing with Luke is bound to be painful, but I’ve bonded with my team over the past few months. They’re like my second family, and I don’t want to leave them, even if it means things will be awkward between Luke and me for a bit.

I fall into the unfamiliar hotel bed and squeeze my eyes shut, willing myself to go to sleep, but I can’t. I keep seeing Luke’s expression of hurt over and over again. I hate that I hurt him, but I’ll hurt him—and myself—more in the long term by staying together.

I wonder briefly about taking the next day off practice but decide that I’ve been enough of a coward as it is. Better just to rip the band aid off.

When I arrive, already feeling fragile from a night of bad sleep, haunted by dreams of Luke, I expect Luke to corner me. I’m sure that he’ll insist on talking to me, on trying to convince me to give us another chance.

He doesn’t.

When he sees me, he merely nods coolly and moves on. I see a flicker of some emotion on his face, but it’s gone too fast for me to identify it, hidden by a blank mask.

I can’t pretend that I’m not hurt, but what right do I have to be? I broke up with him. What kind of person expects their ex to come running begging after them? That’s not who I want to be.

So, I do my best to treat Luke neutrally and professionally, just like he’s treating me. Things are tense and awkward. The rest of the team doesn’t seem to know what to say around us.

I’m worried about what will happen when we’re on the field, but I needn’t have been. Everything else aside, Luke and I play just as well together as we have for months now.

That, at least, lifts a weight off my chest. Us breaking up is bad enough. Our breakup affecting the team would make it even more unbearable than it already was.

After practice, however, Luke and I can barely look at each other. The pain etched on his beautiful face just crushes me. I just don’t know what to say to him. What do you say to the man whose heart you have broken? What do you say when you know you just weren’t good enough? “I’m sorry” just doesn’t seem to cover it.

I can only hope that as time goes on, it’ll get easier, and Luke will move on. He deserves to find someone to be happy with.

For my part, I know I’ll never find someone else. I don’t want to. There can never be anyone but Luke for me.

Luke, though… he should be happy with someone whole and undamaged, someone he can marry and truly give his heart to.

All I know is that person isn’t me.