Page 7

Being gay wasn’t a big secret, and if it was, then I was hella bad at keeping it. I thought I’d already outed myself earlier, probably from all the teddies I had on my suitcase, or the fact that I was quite typically someone from the city who forgot how to dress for the weather conditions in different states.

Hardin finished the porridge oats off, all the while making small talk about what I did, and how much I enjoyed it. I thought the gay card would’ve had him stumped, but I knew my gay cinema, and there were two very famous gay fictional cowboys who went broke and back again for seconds. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility that he was—

“I’m gay,” he said at the dining table, a spoonful of oats and raspberries ready to enter his mouth.

He’d stumped me now.

“It’s always nice to see younger folk so out and impassioned with their orientations,” he continued. “Back when I was younger, back when I didn’t come out, but I had also at the same time, it was different. Smaller counties, especially in Texas were a nasty place to be.”

It felt like I was in front of a wild animal, suddenly delivering its life story to me and not wanting to make any sudden movement for fear of spooking it. “I can’t even imagine.”

“I got good at what I do, breaking horses in, taming stallions, and my sexuality was an after thought on the ranch owners that I worked for, although I never made any of it public, ever,” his voice turned into a deeper growl the moment before he ate his oats.

“Times have changed now,” I told him. “So, do you—or have you had a serious relationship?”

He glared me down across the table, his stone face told me not to ask. “Listen, kid, I don’t think we’re there yet to start asking me all those questions.”

“Then why did you tell me you were gay?”

“Because I didn’t want you thinking I was acting any type of way because of a phobia,” he said, scooping another lump of porridge. “Because I’m obviously not.”

“ Obviously ,” I repeated, a thin smile appearing across my line. “Well, thank you for sharing with me anyway.”

“Stays between us though,” he added.

I didn’t know how it would have been to live a life where you had to tell people that your sexuality wasn’t something you could talk about. I knew it was a situation so many people lived with, and my heart went out to all of them.

After breakfast, I put all my layers back on and sat on the sofa to put the boots on. That’s when Hardin came to the front door with a thick pair of gray socks in hand.

“You need proper socks for them,” he said.

“It’s fine, I double up on my socks,” I told him, tugging one side of the sock to show him I had two pairs on.

On a knee in front of me, he felt the sock and sighed. “These are the thinnest socks I’ve ever felt,” he said. “I wouldn’t even let the goats wear these. These are thermal socks. I’ve got more pairs. Put these on.”

“My socks are fine.”

“No, no, no.” He pinched the tip of the socks and pulled them right off my foot. “The feet are an important part of the body. You go out with cold feet, catch frostbite, and kid, you’re in for a world of hurt when you can no longer walk.”

He wasn’t wrong, my feet had been cold. I just thought it was the weather. “You really don’t have to—” I attempted to protest, but as he took over, his warm hands on my feet, followed by the warmth of the socks he pulled up over my ankle, and then the second foot.

“At least now I know you’re not going to get sick,” he said, placing the bundled up thin socks I had been wearing on my lap. “The last thing I need is to be stuck making you soup and nursing you back to health when I have a ranch to run.”

“Understood.”

He grunted, pushing off the ground to stand. “I’ll see you later on this afternoon. Assuming you still want to help exercise the horses,” he said. “If not, that’s fine as well, I was going to be working alone this month anyway.”

Of course, I wanted to help, but the horses scared me. “Sure.” It wasn’t like inspiration had struck lately, and I’d been sat waiting around for it. “I still need to unpack and all of that.”

“Well, you’re one day down, twenty more to go,” he said, glancing to his wristwatch. He probably only did it for effect.

“Thank you for keeping track.”

“It’s nothing, just my job.” He winked, slightly, or blinked oddly. I didn’t know if he was actually winking at me, or I was making things up.

I walked back to my cabin in the warm shoes, wondering if this is how it was always supposed to have been. The cabin was warm and the sled of chopped fire wood was waiting for me. I added a couple more sticks of it to the fire once I was undressed to my t-shirt and underwear. The cabin kept the heat inside, at least while the fire was on.

It shouldn’t have been so new to me, spending time alone, but back home, when I was alone, I had the internet to keep my occupied. I could doomscroll online for hours and it feel like minutes had passed. Here, I didn’t have the internet, and limited access to my devices, I didn’t want to drain the batteries.

Maybe this is why my agent had pushed this on me, rather than a resort somewhere warm when he mentioned a vacation. He knew exactly what this place was going to be. And then it hit me, the idea that Mick and Hardin had once been an item, or fling. Mick was married to a man with a kid, so it made some sense that they were contacts through some gay event.

It stayed on my mind while I unpacked my clothes and all the supplies I’d brought with me. A ream of paper, all my pencils and color pens, and half of my collection of comic books. I figured getting reacquainted with the series might help, but I also hated going back over my things in fear of wanting to change everything, from my drawing style to storylines. It had kept me away from them for the longest time, but I didn’t have much choice was I was here. Buried at the bottom of my suitcase, a coloring book and crayons I didn’t mind destroying in little space as my coloring technique was ham-fisted and chaotic.

Little space had been a retreat for me in past years, a space where I could regress into a childlike state of no cares of stress. It was a nice place to visit and have fun, but after it felt like I’d lived there for so long, adult mode was a slog. I was desperate for the little space embrace on me again.

I didn’t know how long I had until Hardin would come over and put me up close and personal with the horses. So, as the anxiety of that swirled around, I climbed into a red and blue star dotted white onesie to seek my little world. The feeling was a glove, fitting perfectly.

In a linen closet, an abundance of blankets. I whipped up a fort with the sofa cushions and dining chairs. It was the perfect space with an open view of the fireplace to let all of it’s glorious heat inside. Laying my duvet and pillows on the ground, I settled in with my coloring book and crayons. It was different to how I usually spent little time because there were no songs, the only music I heard was in my head, but the sound of the crackling fire was also a comfort to hear.

“La, la, la,” I sang as my tongue trilled. “Once upon a time, there was a teddy,” I continued to sing, making lyrics up as I went. “And that teddy went on a journey, a journey to find a teddy friend.” As I thought on words, I hummed to break it up. “Mr. Teddy needed one friend to have a tea party with, and so he walked and he walked, he walked and he walked, all through the forest, and all through the woods.” At the same time, I colored in a picture of a teddy, carrying a briefcase. There was a flower poking out of the briefcase, and he wore a top hat.

I switched my song as I turned the page in the coloring book. Two teddy bears with their hands sewn together in the arms of a larger teddy bear. “The teddy bear had teddy bear friends and he wanted to share, but the teddy bears that the teddy bear had needed to stay together.” Laid on my chest with my legs swinging, I almost kicked the chair out and had the entire fort collapse on me.

They only way it would’ve been better would’ve been if I’d had a TV where I could watch cartoons, but it was a nice way to pass the time while I was recovering from burn out and needed to be satisfying all the good healing vibes of my body.

I’d fallen asleep while drawing, and only woke when the sound of a heavy knock came at the front door. For a split second, I thought I was home in my apartment and was about to get real mad at whoever it was had been banging. Then I caught him, face pressed against the window, looking in at me laid inside my fort.

I answered the door in my onesie and he smiled. “Heat should travel the bedroom,” he said. “You don’t need to camp out in front of the fire.”

Rubbing my eyes, only half of what he said went in. “I’m starting to realize how little there is to do here,” I said, yawning.

“Isn’t that why you were sent?” he asked. “Because you had to get work done.”

I scoffed and tutted. “Yes, and no. I’m here to recuperate my mojo.”

“Well, can I come in?” he asked. “You’ve got the fire on, you’re not—well, dressed, and it’s cold.”

Pushing the door open wider for him to enter, he dipped his head to avoid hitting his hat on the doorway. “If you give me five minutes, I’ll get dressed.”

“He’s toasty,” he said. “And take your time. I see you’ve been exploring the cabin. Didn’t think you’d get through all the blankets so soon.” He approached the sofa. “Or the sofa cushions.”

“I made a fort,” I told him, walking off into the bedroom where it was significantly colder. “And it’s really comfy, might even be comfier than the bed.”

“Probably,” he called back. “The mattress needs replacing if I remember right.”

Tiredness set in fast last night so my body didn’t process it, but sitting on the mattress now, it was quite thin. “So, when the owners come back, do you live in one of these cabins?” I asked, reluctantly climbing out of the onesie into the cold air.

“I used to,” he answered. “Not with the current owners, but previous owners had me living out here because they lived there full-time. They’ve had it extended since they took over, so I have my own section of the main house.”

Hardin could’ve told me anything and I would’ve believed it. The main house was big, and I’d barely scratched the surface of what I’d seen. The living room, kitchen and dining areas were the it, but there were hallways and grand arched doorways leading to closed rooms I hadn’t seen.

“If you can, wear a couple pair of pants,” he said. “In these months, I have a pair of thermals on beneath my jeans, they keep the warmth in, and they also give you an extra layer of cushion when you’re on the horse. First time it’ll hurt, just a warning.”

I didn’t own thermal bottoms, but I did have sweatpants. It was a squeeze to wear them under another pair of pants, but it was going to have to do. The last thing I needed was a horse to buck with me on it and have my balls be sucked back up inside, or worse, be bruised.

Stuffing my hand into my underwear, I cupped my balls. “Don’t worry, I won’t let you get hurt.” That was the goal, at least.

Hardin sighed, the longer I took getting ready. “I’ll have to teach you the ropes on setting the saddle up for the horses too,” he said. “If it’s not set up right, you’ll fall right off. So, just letting you know that we still have a little work to do, assuming we get to the stables before night.”

“And how long do we have until then?” I called out to him, putting a hoodie on over my t-shirt.

“Four hours.”

“So dramatic,” I laughed back to him.

In the living room with a slight waddle, I approached him. “Is this too much?”

“How many layers are you wearing?” he asked, raising a hand to his mouth, almost covering his smile.

“Um, enough, I think.” I knew I’d gone a little overboard when I put two pairs of pants on, but I also needed to protect myself from the elements and the horses. “You said more layers are better. Right?”

“They are, yes, but in this instance, I’m not sure,” he said. “Can you even walk?” He burst into laughter.

The waddle was strong as I walked, my thighs unable to touch. “Ok, maybe I should remove one layer,” I said as my movements were robotic as I lifted my arms. “Yeah, I’m gonna do that.”

Hardin continued to chuckle as I waddled back to the bedroom. I knew the problem was the second pair of pants, and maybe even the second t-shirt I’d added. I was too used to the warmth, and knowing I was about to be hit by a last of icy air had my nipples solid in the worst way possible, like frozen peas able to scratch glass.

“I might have spare clothes you can have as well,” Hardin added as I was finished readjusting. “You’ve made me sympathetic.”

I appeared in the doorway, walking and moving more comfortably. “I think I’m ready.”

Hardin sighed. “You’ve still got to get your jacket on,” he said. “And a scarf. And gloves.” His voice was deep, almost demanding and disappointed, yet, through the voice, I could sense he wasn’t actually pissed about any of it. “Then you’ll be ready.”

I didn’t know if I’d ever be ready to ride a horse, but there was apparently always time for a first, like the first time I was experiencing life without the internet, or a real winter where the snow didn’t disappear after a couple days. And my first time meeting a cowboy, a gay cowboy at that. There were a lot of firsts happening.