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I would’ve stayed in bed with Daddy Hardin or Santa all day if it was possible. If we were both in the city, we might’ve stayed indoors, escaping from the cold and being all cuddled together. Obviously, that wasn’t the case on a ranch, the only time we actually could spend in bed was when we were there for the night. There was always something that needed to be done, whether that was checking on the animals, walking the dogs, feeding the fire, or checking the cabins—which hadn’t sustained any snow storm damage.

“You don’t have to come with me,” Hardin said as he sat on the edge of the bed to get dressed again. “You can stay inside where it’s warm.”

“No, I promised I’d help on the ranch, and I want to make sure I live up to that part of the deal,” I said, even though staying indoors where it was warm was the ideal scenario.

“Then you’ll have to get dressed properly,” he said.

I’d learned so much about staying warm in the last week. New York got real cold in winter, so I wasn’t completely unaware, but during those months I would mentally check out, like I had done the last couple of months while I was dealing with burn out.

I also liked being a good boy in Daddy’s eyes as well, and if I could be called that from taking care of the chickens and goats, I would absolutely take it. The horses and cats weren’t on my list of animals I wanted to be around, two different sized animals, but both just as scary. Horses could kick and bite, and cats, well, they just had a judgement in their eyes that I couldn’t shake. They judged the way I milked the goats and picked the eggs—I knew that’s what they were doing.

Days and nights blended together with Daddy, he had a calendar up in the kitchen and before he’d gotten to really know me, he’d included my departure date on it. It was still over a week away, but seeing those daily crosses build up toward it knotted my stomach. I didn’t want to think about leaving.

Each day was the same, but the sameness of each of those days was so unique that even if they appeared like a Groundhog Day to some people, I appreciated them. The way Hardin made breakfast to suit me, coffee and hot cocoas. He made space for me in his space and life. There was nothing more special than that, considering he hadn’t wanted me in it to start with.

One evening, as I was sat in front of the fire drawing in the light of the flickering flames and Hardin was in the arm chair, reading the third book in my series now, I had to say something to him.

“Where do you see this going?” I asked out of the blue.

“Sorry?”

I repeated myself and he tilted his head.

“The book? You haven’t shown me any of the pages, so I don’t know. But they look great,” he said.

“No, I mean, us .”

Immediately, he put the book down and patted his knee. “Come here.”

From my knees, I crawled across to him and hauled myself up onto his lap. “I can’t stop thinking about how there’s only a limited amount of time left where we’ll get to spend together.”

“If you think like that, you’ll work yourself up, and the time we’re spending together won’t feel like we’re spending anytime at all together,” he said, stroking the side of my face. “To answer the question, and I don’t like to answer questions without knowing an answer, but I really don’t know where this is going. But I am here for the ride and journey.”

“So, you want to keep seeing me once I leave?” I asked, placing both of my hands around his face, grabbing hold of his beard hair between my fingers. “You don’t have to say you do, it’s gonna be long distance.” Although it. was only my friends keeping me in New York, and a very expensive apartment I had a lease on for the next six months.

“Distance is only as far as we make it,” he said. “Now, I haven’t been on a plane in about five years. But that’s not because I’m scared of flying, although you’ll have to admit it’s a bit unnatural being up in the air on all of that metal.”

My understanding of his words were, I want to keep seeing you, and I needed clarification. “So, you want to still see me once I have to leave?”

“Of course, I don’t want you to leave at all,” he said. “If I had the choice, which I know I don’t because you have ultimate control over your body. But if I had that control, I would keep you here with me.”

It would’ve helped if someone was to make the decision for me. My agent had decided on this trip, something I definitely wouldn’t have done. “I have a lot of stuff going on back home.”

“Then long distance we will be,” he said, and with his hand on the back of my neck, he pulled my head down to kiss my forehead. “And we can see each other through the year, we will figure it out.”

“And we’re not defining this, I don’t want to move too quick,” I blurted. “We’re just like, seeing each other.”

Hardin nodded. “Just seeing where things go. Although to me, you’re my good boy.”

“And you’re my cowboy Daddy,” I let out all giddy before burying my head into his chest and inhaling his delicious scent. I couldn’t wait to brag about the time I’d had here, or the fact I’d met a real cowboy which definitely existed. I’m sure some of my friends will laugh that I didn’t think cowboys were real.

He squeezed me. “If you want to show me those pages still, I’ll happily read them.”

“No, you can’t, they contain spoilers,” I grumbled against his chest.

After so many volumes of the Teddy Wars books, I didn’t want him to get spoiled by the arcs that happened in books he hadn’t read yet, especially not the arc where the Teddy King found out he had a son, the Teddy Prince who was challenging him for the throne, and ultimately, he was unstitched and all his stuffing pulled out. It was a tragic part of the story. He would’ve been spoiled to the fact the Teddy Prince’s consciousness continued to exist within the buttons, fabric, and stuffing that had been taken from him, and now, he was more powerful than ever because of all the other teddies he was used to build.

“I’ll need to get my hands on the rest of your books then,” he said.

“Maybe if you’re good enough, Santa Daddy will get you them for Christmas.”

He hummed. “Considering I am Santa Daddy, I don’t know if I’ll get them in time.”

“Then I suppose I could try and get them for you,” I said, suddenly hit by an idea. I looked at him, both hands on his face I pulled at his cheeks. There was a phone in the house, and I didn’t have access to ordering online, or a deliverable address, but June and Sully did. With only a week left until Christmas, I knew exactly what I was going to do to make Daddy happy. He’d already put a small wrapped box under the tree address to me, so I needed to get him something as well.

“You don’t have to do anything for me,” he said. “Just being here is good enough.”

“Do you have June’s phone number?”

“Of course. Why?”

“No reason. Is it written down anywhere?”

He smirked. “I don’t need anything for Christmas,” he said. “Please. I don’t celebrate it.”

I scoffed, gesturing at all the decoration in the house. “This says otherwise. I’m not sure if you’ve seen, but this is very Christmas.”

“Fine, but I don’t want anything that takes too much,” he said. “I’d be happy with a drawing if you want to do that for me.”

“Nope, I know what you’re getting,” I said. “And if you want, maybe you can tell me what I’m getting.”

He shook his head. “You’re not opening it until Christmas, and I’m gonna make sure you don’t.”

That knot came again. We weren’t even going to be around each other to open presents. It seemed like there was no point in it if that was the case. I pushed the feeling aside. I was reassured that when I left, that wasn’t the end of the bond we’d created together. In fact, it was just the start.

Hardin gave me June’s number, but before that, I had to call some other people and make the necessary plans to get it to her. I figured she’d bring it when I was being collected to go to the airport. The knot continued to give me trouble, sitting in the pit of my stomach. No amount of sweet treats would cover it completely.

It went as far as to keep me awake, and I felt like I was back to my apartment bedroom, staring at the ceiling with a sense of impending doom and dread looming. I might’ve shed a tear, but I didn’t recall once I finally got to sleep and wake up to the cheerful whistle from Hardin and another morning where the smell of breakfast could wipe away all the stress.

Hauled up in the kitchen, curled up around a cup of hot cocoa at the table, Hardin spoke to me but his words were numb to my ears. Only his lips moved until I caught him smile and blood rushed back to my senses.

“You good there?” he asked.

“I’m just thinking.”

“No more of that,” he said, back at the pan on the stove with a spatula. “I felt you toss and turn last night. You’re lucky I know how to hunker down and sleep through anything.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I said no more of that.” I knew he was being serious, but he said it so playfully. “You’ll feel better after you eat. Scrambled egg, a little goat cheese in there, and some toast.”

My appetite had been diminished from all the chocolate I’d been drinking, but the moment I had my first bite, I completely devoured it.

Hardin had done everything in his power to reassure me, once more. I knew that it was impossible to run away from all the bad mental health spaces my brain found itself circling.

“I remember when Mick first asked me to host you,” he said from across the dining table. “He said you were a talented kid, he said you needed a change of scenery, and I’ve tried my best to give you it. I don’t want what we have to put you back in a place where you’re not able to work.”

It was that obvious. “It’s fine.”

“I know it’s not,” he said. “I know when one of the horses is feeling down, or when one of the goats is a little anxious. And because I know that about them, I’m pretty damn certain I can read a person. Now, I’m not saying you’ve got to tell me all your deepest and darkest secrets to free yourself from them, but I want you to feel comfortable enough to share what you’re going through with me.”

My first attempt at speaking was inaudible. I repeated myself. “I don’t want to leave.”

“I’m not forcing you to,” he said, reaching out to me with an open palm.

I slipped my hand into his. “But the flight is booked and I don’t want to be more of an inconvenience on everyone to get it changed.”

He gave my hand nice squeeze, pulsating his grip like a heart beat. “You’re not inconveniencing anyone. I’ll call Mick, I’ll get it changed, if you want to stay, I want you to. But I know you have people back home, and I don’t want to take you from those plans.”

I shook my head. “My mom’s in Florida now and we don’t make plans anymore,” I told him. “And my friends, again, no plans, but even if we did, they’d probably be ok with this. For the reasons why I’m staying at least.” I found myself smiling so big, from ear-to-ear.

“Tell me more about those reasons,” he said, still softly pulsing his grip. “Because I’d love to know if they match my reasons.”

There wasn’t a written list, or even an ordered one. “More time with you,” I said. “And Christmas together, which would be nice to see you open my present for you. And I don’t want you take the tree down before Christmas. It’s bad luck and I don’t want you to have bad luck.”

He nodded. “Noted. I would also like to see you open the gift I’ve got for you. I. would also like to have Christmas dinner with you as well. I’ve not had one in a while, and the more time we’re together, the more you’ve made me crave that sort of family feeling to this type of year.”

“Why don’t you spend it with your family?” I asked. He never spoke about them, so I hoped this wasn’t a can of worms.

“Raised by my grandma, she died when I was nineteen. Never had a relationship with my mom. She wasn’t the type of person I needed in my life,” he said. “She was a single mom, but she didn’t want to be a mom, so I never put that on her. And it’s why even now, I wouldn’t even call her that.”

“Sorry to—”

“No,” he said, his tone stern then his soft smile broke it. “It’s not something you need to feel sorry for. I processed all that already. You know, the recipes I use are my grandma’s,” he said. “And you know what we haven’t done yet. Which surprises me because you said you wanted them when you first moved in here from the cabin.”

“Oh, what’s that?”

“Chocolate chip cookies, I think you said something about them,” he said.

It was entirely possible. I knew I’d mentioned cake. “We can make cookies today then.”

“As soon as we’ve finished with our morning, I think there’s nothing better I’d like to do with you.”

Hardin was the perfect Daddy. I didn’t have experience with many Daddies, but I knew perfect when I felt it, and he singlehandedly pulled me out of a strange place. A place I was getting ready to bury myself in like I knew how to very well. He wasn’t going to let me, at least not without a fight first.

Cookies seemed to solve everything, and also being told that all my worries and fears were easily solved because he was going to take them into his hands and he was going to be the one who solved them.