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Chapter Twenty-Four

Selina

S elina slept even more fitfully than Felix. Her mind insisted on sending her headlong back into the kiss with Sebastian whether she was awake or asleep, and her heart was all too eager to take the journey.

Half of her regretted putting a stop to the most pleasurable moments of her entire life, while the other half berated her for allowing herself such an indulgence in the first place.

She needed all her wits about her to sort through the tangled situation with Sebastian, and those wits had been scattered to the four corners of the earth by those moments in the dark corridor.

Could she trust his assertions about his feelings for her? Or was all of it part of his attempt to acquire fortune, whatever his reasons for needing it?

When she considered her nieces and nephews, there were no lengths to which she would not go to protect them, so she could hardly fault him if that was the case.

But that did not mean she wished to be married for her fortune. She had sworn she would never marry again, never let herself be deceived into thinking she was loved when she was a means to an end .

If Sebastian truly loved her, though, did it matter that he also needed her money?

Was she willing to take the risk of marrying him to find out whether that supposed affection lasted?

Pushed to the edge of sanity by such impossible questions and the memories of his kiss, she forced herself out of bed and pulled the bell to summon her lady’s maid.

As she waited, she stared at the diamond ring she wore.

The skin around it was red and angry, as though chastising her for veering away from her goal.

She felt more mistress of herself once she was dressed and her hair coiffed, but she knew she was holding onto her composure with a mere thread, and the moment she saw Sebastian again, it would unravel.

The maid assured her Sebastian had gone, and Selina was left to feel both grateful and disappointed.

Margaret sat by Felix’s bed, her head lolled to the side and her eyes closed, but she woke when Selina opened the door.

“How is he?” Selina asked quietly, for Felix was asleep.

“The fever has not returned,” Margaret said, adjusting her dressing gown and hair.

“You should have something to eat,” Selina said. “I will send the maid to check on him in half an hour.”

As though summoned by the mere mention, the door opened slightly.

“You have a visitor, ma’am,” the maid said.

“A visitor?” she repeated.

She nodded. “One Mrs. Winser. Miss Grant is with her in the sitting room.”

Selina shut her eyes in consternation. She would have preferred to have the servants inform Mrs. Winser she was not at home to visitors, but she could not leave Phoebe to entertain her.

Perhaps the call would provide a needed distraction, however unpleasant it might be.

“Very well,” she said. “I shall go to her directly. ”

Selina took a moment to gather herself before opening the door to the sitting room.

Mrs. Winser rose immediately and walked over to her, hands out.

“My dear Mrs. Lawrence! I have been wishing to call upon you, but we have been so occupied with the Redgrave party that I could not do so until now. Allow me to offer you my warmest felicitations! And”—her eyes twinkled—“to offer my assistance with a ball befitting the occasion.”

Selina colored up. She should have realized the purpose of Mrs. Winser’s visit. The woman was a gossiping busybody.

How was she to respond? Accept the congratulations when she had promised Sebastian she would be informing Society the engagement was at an end?

He had kissed her after that, of course, but there had been no discussion to give her reason to believe his wishes had changed. Even if there had been, her own were as clear as the Thames after a storm.

The last thing they needed was for Mrs. Winser to begin planning a ball in honor of them.

This was the precise moment to do what she had said she would: tell people she was not engaged to Sebastian Drake. She needed to do it before she lost the will to.

“That is very kind of you, Mrs. Winser,” she said with as much calm as she could muster, “but the understanding between Mr. Drake and myself has come to an end.”

Phoebe’s eyes widened, and Mrs. Winser gasped and clutched at her fichu.

“Good gracious!” she said. “What ever happened, my dear?”

“We have agreed we do not suit,” Selina replied, wondering if she had ever told a greater lie. Who on earth would suit her better than Sebastian Drake?

Mrs. Winser regarded her with so much pity, Selina could hardly bear it.

“It is better this way,” Selina reassured her with a smile, expanding upon her lie without hesitation. She had no desire to delve into things with Mrs. Winser more fully, however. “I am terribly sorry, but we have illness in the household, and I must excuse myself to see to our patient.”

Mrs. Winser took the polite dismissal with good grace, and soon Selina and Phoebe were left in the sitting room together.

Selina met Phoebe’s gaze.

“It is at an end, then?” Phoebe asked.

“Yes.”

Phoebe’s chest rose with a long breath, and she nodded, but she watched Selina as though trying to ascertain the feelings behind the short answer.

“Oh, Phoebe,” Selina said, “do not look at me that way. We have talked about this. Neither Sebastian nor I entered into the engagement with any intention of marrying.”

“I know,” she said. “But I had wondered if…”

Selina too had wondered. “I meant it when I told you I have no wish to marry again. Once was more than enough for me. I am quite satisfied with my life as a widow.”

At least, she had been.

Phoebe nodded her understanding, but there was no missing the sadness in her eyes. “Mrs. Winser will have the news around London by dinnertime.”

“I know.”

“Do you not worry what the effect of it will be upon you? Or Mr. Drake?”

“In truth, I am tired of caring about such things. As for Sebastian, he is the one who has been encouraging me to make it known, Phoebe.” Of course, he had also kissed her until she could hardly remember her own name…

A distinctive squeak brought their heads around.

Margaret stood in the doorway, her eyes wide.

Selina clenched her hands in stricken consternation. There was no saying how much Margaret had heard, but the expression she wore made it seem as though she had been standing there long enough to know more than she should .

“Forgive me,” Margaret rushed to say. “I did not mean to eavesdrop. I thought I heard your guest leave, and I wished to ask whether Felix might have a bit to eat. He says he is hungry.”

Selina nodded and went to pull the bell cord. “I shall have something taken to him.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Lawrence.” Margaret hesitated in the doorway. “Is it true? You and my brother are no longer engaged?”

Selina’s gaze flicked to Phoebe, who grimaced apologetically. Sebastian had meant to tell the children himself, but Selina could not lie to Margaret.

“No,” she said gently. “We are not.”

Margaret stood very still, and Selina could have sworn there was a sheen in her eyes before she blinked, and it was gone. “I am very sorry to hear it, and Hugo and Felix will be too. We are all very fond of you, Mrs. Lawrence. And you, Miss Grant. Thank you for taking us in.”

Margaret did not mean taking us in in the sense of fooling them, but that was how Selina heard it. Her heart panged. What would become of Margaret and her brothers now? “It has been our pleasure, Margaret.”

She smiled weakly. “I shall inform Felix that food is coming.”

Selina nodded, her throat thick as the door closed behind Margaret.

She shut her eyes tightly. In ending the engagement, she couldn’t help feeling she had consigned the children to an unknown fate.

What good was taking them in for a few days if the end result of her presence in their life was so negative?

Phoebe had promised the children she would play at spillikins with them, and once Selina had ordered food to be sent to Felix, she took the opportunity for reflection away from the hustle and bustle of the house.

She went to the room where George’s sorted belongings had been stored.

Several rifles and fowling pieces stood in the corner.

She smiled sadly as she remembered Sebastian saying that one of them “jumps like a sack of flour.”

He had been so certain of himself, yet grasping for ways to prove his knowledge. She would never forget how, when she had aimed one of the guns right at him, he had jumped and taken cover.

It had all been for his siblings, but what good had it done? Selina was all but ensuring they would return to Edward Hollis by ending the engagement. And yet, the thought of marrying Sebastian with no certainty his affection for her was real or would last?

No, she could not do that. She was too much of a coward.

But was the security and happiness of Margaret, Hugo, and Felix worth sacrificing just so that Selina could keep her heart safe and her fortune out of Sebastian’s hands? It was a fortune she had come to hate, much like the ring she wore.

Her gaze grew more fixed. Perhaps there was another option.

Her heart began to patter, quick and soft.

She left the guns behind, picking up her skirts to hurry to the nearest escritoire. In the corridor, she passed Phoebe, who was carrying a chess board in her arms. “Is everything well?” she asked with concern.

Selina slowed. “No, but I hope to make it better, at least.”

Minutes later, her heart pattered as she read over what she had written. As nervous as she was, however, there was a calm beneath it—a sense that this was what she wanted, as unreasonable or mad as it might seem to others.

She folded, sealed, and addressed the letter, then went to see it posted.

“Please see that this is posted without delay, Thomas,” she instructed the footman she stopped in the corridor.

“I shall see to it immediately, ma’am.”

Selina let out a long, slow breath as he strode away with the letter in hand just as the doorbell rang.

The footman paused and looked at her.

She nodded to indicate that he could answer the door. “I am not at home to callers today, Thomas.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said.

She made her way to the stairs, only to stop at the sound of the footman’s response to the low voice of the caller .

“I am sorry, Mr. Drake, but Mrs. Lawrence is not at home to visitors.”

Selina gathered up her skirts and hurried to the entry hall. “It is fine, Thomas. Mr. Drake may come in.”

The footman blinked, obviously confused by her conflicting commands, then quickly opened the door wider for Sebastian.

Selina met his gaze, instantly forgetting how to breathe.

His eyes were watchful but calm as he removed his hat and gloves.

What she wouldn’t give to feel the calm he exuded.

“Felix is awake,” she said, trying not to think how her lips had been on Sebastian’s just hours ago.

“Good,” Sebastian said as the footman left with Selina’s letter. “Forgive me for the delay in my arrival—I slept longer than intended and was then…detained.”

“There is no need to apologize,” she said. At least one of them had slept.

“I will see Felix now,” he said.

“Of course.”

His eyes lingered on her for a moment, as though he might say something, but he merely nodded and swept past her.

“Sebastian,” she said suddenly.

He stopped and faced her.

The words stuck in her throat, however. Why was it so difficult to say what needed to be said?

“I have some unpleasant news,” she said.

His gaze intensified, and he stepped closer. “What is it?”

She swallowed. “I received a call from Mrs. Winser earlier.” The heat filtered up her neck and into her cheeks. “She came to congratulate me on our engagement and offer her assistance in planning a celebration ball. I informed her that the understanding between us has come to an end.”

His gaze flickered.

She made a pained expression. “Margaret happened to hear the conversation Phoebe and I were having afterward. She knows.”