Page 18

18

Seared into My Memory

I wake sobbing.

Blank eyes and contorted faces fill my vision, lingering even into my waking. I barely even saw our attackers, but they’re seared into my memory, preserved solely to populate my nightmares.

There’s a soft touch on my shoulder, and I scream, scrambling backward across the bed. Maybe it’s the man I killed, come back to haunt me from death.

“You’re safe.” Daenn’s voice is soft, with a rumbly quality like he just woke up. “I won’t hurt you.”

I gasp in a breath and force myself to look at him, focus on him instead of the horrifying images in my mind. It’s far harder to do than it should be, but once I manage it, my whole body begins to calm. Whatever else he is, however complicated our relationship is now, Daenn is safe. I may not have believed it when he first stole me away—was that really only a few days ago?—but I do now.

“Was it a nightmare?”

I can only nod. I don’t trust myself to speak quite yet.

Daenn is crouched by my bed, but he carefully shifts to sit on the edge. I didn’t even hear him move from his spot on the floor in front of the door. “About the attack? ”

My small shiver is answer enough for him. Anger and a flare of protectiveness flit past me over the bond. “They’re gone, Emana. They can’t hurt you again.”

This drags words out of me, clawing their way free in an anguished cry. “I killed him!”

Understanding softens Daenn’s face. He closes the distance, laying one gloved hand on my blanket-covered knee. “You defended us. Killing isn’t something to revel in, but sometimes it’s necessary.”

I know his words are true… logically. But I can’t banish the lingering guilt or my grief over the life I stole. “It’s so… so permanent. And heavy.”

“Yes.” He doesn’t try to soften the word. “But would you choose differently if given the chance?”

I want to say yes, but… “If I had, you—we—might have died.”

“They certainly would have kept trying, though I’d like to think my skills are honed enough to avoid outright death from such a cowardly attack.” There’s a hint of wryness to his tone, but he sobers as he continues. “We definitely wouldn’t have gotten out of the fight unscathed.”

“You think I made the right choice?” I don’t mean to phrase it as a question, but that’s how it comes out.

Daenn shrugs. “You made the choice I would have. If protecting you means killing someone, I will make that choice without any hesitation as many times as necessary.”

The words are spoken casually, despite the dark undercurrent to his emotions, too faceted for me to really decipher what it is. I know with crystalline certainty that he means every word, though. It soothes something in me, but it also makes me feel like I should fear for anyone who dares look at me wrong .

“It’s still heavy.”

“It will never stop being heavy. But sometimes we must do the heavy, hard things to protect those under our care. Better us than them.”

The words sound like something the Daenn I used to know would have said.

No, not quite. My Daenn was young, not yet acquainted with the burden of ruling. But it sounds like something my Daenn would say, given a few years of experience. Maybe the man before me is not so entirely different as I originally thought.

While the thought is comforting in terms of my hopes regarding him, it doesn’t make it any easier to face what I have done.

I sigh—and it turns into a yawn. My body is protesting being awake now that the adrenaline from the nightmare is fading.

“You should get back to sleep.” Daenn begins to pull his hand from my knee and rise.

“Wait—” I grab it, but when he freezes at my touch, I release him just as quickly. “Please. I—don’t want to be alone with my nightmares.” Maybe it’s silly, but I imagine them lurking at the edges of the room, merely waiting for Daenn to leave my side to pounce again.

I can’t read his expression. The predominant emotion over the bond feels like… protectiveness, I think, which is far better than annoyance, so I’ll take it.

He sits back down and shifts to a more comfortable position. “Go to sleep. I’ll stay until you do.”

I steep my words in my gratitude. “Thank you.”

He nods, and I wriggle back down under my covers. It doesn’t take me long to fall back asleep, not with Daenn’s steady presence on the edge of my bed, his strong grip on my hand, keeping the nightmares at bay.