Page 6

A cold, wet nose is pressing into Luca’s belly, huffing hot air onto his skin, and it tickles.

It’s not the first time there’s been a nose in Luca’s navel in the middle of the night—not even the hundredth—but never has it been… slimy .

Who the fuck is snotting on his happy trail?

There’s a low huff (a sub-woofer-woof, as it were), and it hits him like a Milk Bone to the head— holy shit, the pack has a dog.

Tsuki!

Luca runs a hand over the puppy’s soft head, rubbing her ears before trailing his fingers under her new collar.

She licks his palm, making another slight huffing whine.

It’s the middle of the night, and it feels like he’s only just fallen asleep, but if it’s Luca she wants to wake up at this hour, then Luca will be her man.

It’s all he can do not to sing When I Was Your Man — hmm hmm hmm .

No one would appreciate it. That’s for sure.

His mates are asleep in a knot of bodies—curled around each other, heads on shoulders, bellies, legs, and—in one particularly cute instance, Rowan, whose entire face is buried in Jay’s neck.

Luca knows there can’t be much air in there, but the young alpha is right where he wants to be. He probably needs the comfort of knowing Jay isn’t angry—that he’s forgiven.

It’s no surprise that they all need the comfort of being together after the near disaster yesterday.

Disasters , plural .

Jay and Nix had rolled in quietly after tracking down the escaped Bonnie and Clyde at the Costas’. They said they’d talked through some things Jay had been worried about, but both had smelled terrible when they got home—so it must have been a rough conversation.

Still, Luca thinks maybe they actually heard each other this time, because Nix had spent all of dinner in his usual spot on Jay’s lap, sharing food and scenting one another.

Luca had thought they were all on the same page after Jay spoke with their therapist, Ruthie, but apparently, no one had been paying the silently chaotic Rowan Foster any notice.

The shock of their new canine pack member aside, seeing Rowan’s wolf so aggressive and close to the surface had been the biggest surprise of the day.

If Luca is being honest, he shouldn’t have been surprised at all.

Ever since he and Rowan had sat shoulder-to-shoulder eavesdropping on The Big Conversation on the landing (a lifetime ago), Rowan had wanted Nix to just move on. It reeked of avoidance and fear—as if Rowan needed Nix to forget his trauma so that he didn’t have to face it, either.

Luca remembers telling him it doesn’t work like that—and just look what happened. Rowan had walked straight into his own minefield of unexpected and unresolved emotions.

For a moment, Luca had been sure they were going to have to call the cleaners to get the blood out and replace the furniture—this for something way less fun than a sexy-time orgy. Turns out, they’re even more blessed than he thought—because Nix somehow helped their baby alpha navigate his shit or they might have had a real problem on their hands.

Rowan is lucky that Jay has an iron will as well as a big heart, or they’d have had a big problem. As Gideon often says, Jay has always been reluctant to hurt them—mentally or physically—and he’d do whatever it took to hold them up.

He wouldn’t have wanted to hold Rowan’s spirit down.

But if Rowan had pushed, Jay would have done it. No doubt about that.

The well-being of their pack depended on him being able to—even if he never wanted to. Even knowing that alphas who lose challenges suffer serious permanent mental consequences.

No one wanted that for Rowan, even if it would have been entirely his own fault.

So when Rowan caved, they all heaved a sigh of relief. It could have been the worst thing to happen to their pack—aside from the death of a mate.

Jay is the best of leaders, actually—though even the best can have the worst days.

Rowan stepping back might have saved them all from a world of hurt, but the aftermath still lingered. Grayson, thankfully, had bounced back faster than expected from the BBS—no small miracle, considering Broken Bond Syndrome was a bitch. He rallied almost immediately after Nix had slid into bed with his positively green soulmate.

Luca remembers the feeling well, and as far as he’s concerned, there could have been a whole lot more crying, begging, seizing, and passing out.

It’s the worst Luca has ever felt, and that was after a week of near-constant closeness to cement the bond.

There was good news to celebrate, too. Leo had gone pink-cheeked when Nix had shown off his bite just as much as Grayson’s shimmery one.

Luca is a bit jealous, if he’s honest.

Gideon’s and his soulmate bites aren’t anything fancy—just raised where his other mates’ bites are much flatter.

Nix had noticed Luca trying to hide his envy ( because pink! shiny! ), but he had reassured Luca, “Since soulmates were rare, every bite must be special and different—like the pairs themselves. No one is better than the other because the bite isn’t the point—it’s the bond that’s the real key.”

Luca’s baby is smart, plus…he smells good.

Tsuki whines a bit louder this time and climbs delicately out from the nest, looking at Luca with a bit of attitude on her fluffy face.

She really must have to pee.

Well, better outside than in, Shrek always says.

Gideon was not impressed with the idea that she might pee in the house, and Rowan is on dish duty for the next millennium for not at least mentioning to someone ( Gideon ) that his big romantic gesture was an actual living thing.

“Okay, missy. Let’s go,” he whispers and grabs Grayson’s t-shirt to ward off the brisk October night air.

The alpha’s scent has morphed a bit since yesterday—now more basil-vanilla—and Luca really likes it.

And why wouldn’t he? It’s two of his favorite people’s scents all rolled into one.

Tsuki handles the stairs like an old pro, and Luca isn’t far behind, but she doesn’t detour to the back door like he’d expected.

Nix and Jay had made sure she had her own corner in the yard last night, where she could safely do her business—not in the way of the pool deck or out of sight of the house. She’d taken to it so well, even Gideon couldn’t complain. So well-trained for a three-month-old puppy.

If you discount the chewing on Gideon’s shoe.

Which Gideon—most assuredly, adamantly, and with loud curses—did not.

Now though, Tsuki beelines for the kitchen.

“Look, you. If you woke me up for a Greenie, you are crazy. We are not—”

It’s not a burning desire for treats that has Tsuki up at 2:47 in the morning.

The scent of rotting black currant is strong in the space between the counter and the sink because Finn is sitting on the floor, holding a tea towel to his mouth to muffle his sobs.

Luca’s stomach drops to his toes.

He can count the number of times Finn has cried in front of him on two fingers—and one of them has been in the past week.

Finn is very private with his big emotions, both happy and sad, and while Luca has never felt unloved or undesired by him, he knows Finn just shares himself in different ways.

A crying Finn in a public space is a sign of something extreme, and he smells so bad that Luca wants to gag.

“Oh, Finnie.”

Luca tries to go around him, but his mate stops him .

“Glass,” Finn whispers.

Luca sees it then—broken glass on the floor. Not shattered, but in a few larger pieces.

Tsuki lies down beside Finn on the safe side, putting her snout comfortingly on his thigh.

“You broke a glass—are you hurt?” Luca asks, even though Finn is already shaking his head. “You couldn’t sleep? Wanted water?”

It’s not hard to piece together how it all came to be, but Luca is still in the dark about why his stoic mate is so heartbroken.

“Can you tell me what happened? Why are you on the floor?”

Finn shakes his head, and his gasping breaths are familiar in a way Luca wishes they weren’t.

This is a panic attack.

Well, those fucking suck Satan’s ballsack.

“Okay, just…” Luca pushes down his anxiety and slows his own breathing. “You’re hyperventilating, right?”

Finn nods.

“Can you breathe with me?”

His mate isn’t one for touching when he’s angry or sad—unless it’s Jay—but Luca wants to so badly.

But that’s for him, not Finn, so he restrains the urge.

He knows what it feels like to be out of control—like the pressure in your chest might kill you.

Luca counts out ten cycles of in , two, three, four, out, two, three, four, five before Finn sits back against the cabinet.

One hand is pressed to his chest while the other ghosts over Tsuki’s head. Fresh tears still cling to his cheeks, but at least the gasping sobs have quieted.

Luca prefers to talk shit out, but he’s had to learn that sometimes, others need silence instead. Finn and Grayson, particularly.

So Luca lets his mate sit and pet Tsuki’s soft ears until he’s calmer, with just his hitching breaths audible above the hum of the fridge.

“Sorry, Luca.” Finn rubs his face with the towel. “I’m okay. You should go back to bed—Tsuki’s tired. Aren’t you going to Ripley tomorrow? ”

Luca’s anxiety twinges, but he knows Finn isn’t using it as a dirty trick to distract him—Finn would never.

He’s not, however, above trying to get Luca to go away so he can be fresh for his meeting tomorrow.

“Mmm. She’s the one who woke me up. I thought she had to go out to pee, but here she is.” Luca watches as Tsuki gives Finn’s hand a doggy-kiss. “I think she wanted to be with you— I want to be with you.”

“She’s a smart girl. I’m okay now, though.” Finn goes to stand.

Luca grabs his hand before he can. Finn may sound calmer, and his scent is a bit better, but Luca isn’t fooled.

“Finn, it’s 3:00 a.m., and you just had a panic attack.”

Finn flinches at Luca’s words.

“Maybe you could tell me what’s going on.”

“There’s nothing you can do. It’s nothing.”

Finn is well-known for not being able to tell a lie, even the kindest of trivial untruths. It’s why his physician’s oath worked so well for him—it was inherently part of his personality.

If he’d been less fragile, his very intelligent mate might have hidden it better with a vague, almost, or mostly true statement.

But right now?

It’s rotted fruit left in the sun, and it’s a lying-lie-that-lies. He is nowhere near fine.

Luca knows Finn is doing it to protect himself, but he shouldn’t be alone with it. It only gets harder when you try to handle it alone—and Luca would know.

“Hey. We tell each other the truth, right? You and me?” Luca tightens his grip just a little. “We’ve always been honest with each other, especially about…stuff…”

Mental health stuff, especially. Granted, it’s usually Luca being honest with Dr. Merritt, but he’s always thought it went both ways.

“I don’t owe you anything, Luca. Now, back the fuck off,” Finn growls.

Whoa. That. Was. So. Mean.

That’s not Finn, either .

“Excuse me?”

Luca’s feelings aren’t hurt, though. He knows what it feels like to come down from a panic attack and just want to move the fuck on.

Too many questions pick away at the resolve to lock it all away.

No one really bugs Luca with questions because his family already knows what triggers his attacks. Usually, it’s people—work, people, his father, you know… people .

Finn’s triggers and his ‘why’ are a mystery, and it feels like something Luca should know.

“Look. I’m sorry. I just don’t want to…”

Talk about it? Think about it? What is it ?

Finn drops the towel and instead pulls the collar of the white sweater he’s been wearing off and on since Nix came home from the hospital, tugging it up over his nose.

He breathes deeply, then rubs his cheek against the fabric in a self-soothing gesture.

When he catches Luca watching, he pulls it down and forces his gaze away.

Hold up.

Aside from the slight rotten fruit scent, all Luca can smell is Nix.

Finn is using Nix’s scent to soothe himself out of a panic attack.

Well, shit. It’s getting clearer now.

“Finn, are you…worried about Nix? I know the last few days have been harder than normal. But Gideon says he’s doing great. They’ll practice tomorrow again, and every day until—”

Maybe all this has been a manifestation of Finn’s worries.

Where Jay is being a guilt-ridden asshole, or Rowan thinks he needs to challenge authority for reassurance, Finn needs to sit on the floor of the kitchen and cry in the dark.

Sure. Seems plausible.

“What? Until what, Luca? Until he’s fighting for his life? Maybe I should say I’m not fucking worried about him? I know he’s capable. I know he’ll kick Hayes’s ass, and that psycho won’t be anything but a smear on the field by the end. Is that it?”

Finn’s anger and sarcasm are so unfamiliar—aggressive enough that Tsuki stands up with a whine, moving away from the suddenly unpredictable alpha.

Luca says softly, “Finn. He can do this. You saw how fast he heals and how strong he is, right?”

“ Heal ? He has to be hurt for that to happen. Hurt! You don’t get it! I already had the chance to protect him, and I failed at it.

“It’s my fault that…I saw him dying once before. I saw him bleeding fucking everywhere. I couldn’t even tell it was him—he was covered in it. His eye was…fuck…and he was naked and broken.”

Finn presses the heels of his palms over his eyes like he’s trying to block out the mental images from the morning Nix was brought in.

“How far did he have to crawl to get that bus driver to help him, hmm? He would have had to drag his leg behind him because he couldn’t have walked on it. Luca, he fucking died . He died so many times, and I can’t stop seeing how hurt he was when I close my eyes.”

He hits the cabinet with the back of his head—once, twice, three times. “I can’t stop. Make it stop.”

Luca wants to throw up. What Finn is describing is almost too much for him to bear.

“Finn.” He makes sure to keep his voice down, so he doesn’t wake the others, and finally puts his hand on Finn’s leg.

Finn flinches again, but he stops.

Luca stands up, mindful of the glass, and grabs his two wrist ice packs from the freezer. In an instant, he’s got them pressed against Finn’s wrists. They’re bitterly cold, and Luca knows well how they burn on bare flesh. But it’s safe, and it helps him physically reset when he needs it.

He hopes it will do the same for Finn.

Finn gasps but doesn’t pull away, meeting Luca’s eyes for the first time.

They sit like that for a long moment—just staring at each other—while Luca pumps out soft, sweet mocha and hums When I Was Your Man under his breath .

He tries to think only about Finn, only about this single moment, and not about any of the big things he can do nothing about right now.

One moment at a time.

They can do that together. Just Finn and Luca.

“I’m scared.”

Luca thinks he imagined it at first. It’s whispered so quietly, and Finn turns away immediately afterward like he has something to be ashamed of.

“It’s okay to be scared, Finn. But this isn’t just scared. You know that, right?”

Luca drops the now-warm ice packs into the sink to deal with later.

Finn reaches out to the dog, and Tsuki creeps closer, licking his cheek before settling into her earlier position.

“I’ve been dealing with it,” Finn murmurs. “The sweater helps when it smells like Nix, and when we’re all together at home, it’s…normal. Mostly.”

Luca watches him carefully. “But you’re not sleeping well, right? And loud noises freak you out? And when we’re arguing, it’s hard? And when Kooky-Tsuki barks, it makes you feel like a bomb just dropped on the house?”

Finn lets out a shaky breath. “Yeah. It’s so embarrassing.” He rubs his eyes. “Ran into a patient on their way to the O.R. after a car accident today. It was…bad. It felt like I was still living it, Luca. Just a surge of the exact same fear and grief I felt back then.”

He exhales sharply, shaking his head. “I locked myself in the staff bathroom for an hour and missed my meeting with Riordan. Had to lie and say I had stomach issues. To my boss, Luca. Ugh.” He groans, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes. “I feel like an idiot.”

“I am so sorry that happened to you, Finn. But you don’t have to be ashamed of this.” Luca keeps his voice steady and calm. “What you saw was really terrible. Anyone would feel like that if they had seen someone they loved hurt in such horrible ways. More than anyone, you know what it really looked like—what all those injuries meant.”

Finn sucks in a breath and looks away, but Luca isn’t done.

“What you feel is important. Please don’t hide it from us. Or me, if you don’t want to talk to the others about it yet.”

Luca stands, reaching into the fridge for a juice box and popping the straw in. While he’s at it, he grabs Grayson’s dark chocolate from the door.

“Watch the glass, please,” Finn whispers, but he still accepts the drink as Luca breaks off a piece of chocolate and pops it into his mouth.

“Ew, Luca. Apple juice and chocolate? Gross.” But despite his objections, he opens his mouth for another piece like a baby bird.

“Shush. It grows on you.” Luca pops a square in his own mouth before looking back at Finn. “Hey…do you think I’m an idiot?”

Finn frowns, caught off guard. “What? No.”

Luca gives him a small, knowing smile. “You’ve always helped me. You’ve never made me feel like I should be embarrassed. You’ve helped me deal with some of the hardest things. So, please let me help you. Please.”

Finn hesitates, then, almost too quietly, asks, “Can you hug me?”

As if Luca wouldn’t have walked across the broken glass to do just that.

“I’ve just been waiting for you to ask, baby. Come here.”

Finn gently dislodges Tsuki and crawls over—careful to avoid the mess—until he’s leaning against the cupboards with Luca’s arms wrapped around him. He slouches down so he can rest his head on Luca’s shoulder, breathing deeply against his neck.

“Can smell him here,” Finn murmurs, fresh tears slipping free.

It’s not panic anymore, but Luca understands the weight of it. Sometimes, knowing you’re not alone in your emotions only makes them more overwhelming.

“It’s okay, Finn. We’ll do this together. You can always come to me, or I’ll find you, okay? I love you. Love you so much.”

Luca lets a few of his own tears fall, letting his love for Finn overflow. It feels good to love him so much, even when it hurts.

“I’m tired, Luc,” Finn sighs, using that blue towel to wipe his nose and eyes.

“I know. Do you want to lie with me in my room? Me and Tsuki would love the company.” Luca doesn’t want to risk going back to the nest and waking someone up .

“I don’t think I can sleep.”

Luca knows the irony well— I’m mentally exhausted, but I can’t sleep .

“Oh.” He isn’t ready to let Finn go just yet; the come-down from a panic attack always leaves him adrift.

“If you don’t want to come to my room, that’s okay. I know it’s messy. Maybe we could lie on the—”

“Do you want to lie in my bed with me? I just need to be in my space. Would that be okay?” Finn asks, as if Luca might refuse the invitation of a lifetime.

Lie in Finn’s cozy Zen space? Sign him up.

“Fuck, yes!” He grabs Finn’s hand and tries to pull him toward the library and the spiral staircase there. He loves that thing.

“Luca! The glass. Fuck. Let’s clean this up. Go let Tsuki out. It’ll take me a minute. I’ll be right there…”

It takes five minutes for Finn and Tsuki to finish with their business, and Luca finds her a treat for being such a smart girl.

Finn leads the way through the dark library to the staircase that winds up to his space. It’s dark and cool, the scent of black currant and vanilla strong even here.

Turning on a soft, glowy lamp and Finn holds the covers back so Luca can climb in.

He tries to be cool about it, but his own scent is all over the place with excitement. He’s never once slept in here in the year they’ve been in the house.

Tsuki jumps on the bed and curls up behind his knees.

Finn smiles a bit, and once they’re situated, he grabs a book off the bedside table.

“You go to sleep. I’m going to read this.”

It looks like it’d put anyone with a brain to sleep in under a minute, but Finn will probably find Sleisenger and Fordtran’s Gastrointestinal and Liver Disease in Weres: Pathophysiology, Diagnosis, and Management riveting.

Luca loves him anyway—even if his taste in books is horrible.

He knows what it’s like to not want to close your eyes after a panic attack, but you’re so tired you can hardly do anything else.

He takes the book with an oof (it’s as heavy as it is boring) and puts it back—because he has a much better idea.

“Actually, I’m working on this song, and I was hoping you’d listen. Just let me know if there’s anything you’d change, okay?”

“Really? Is it for the new album?”

Finn lies down, turning toward him, and places a hand on Luca’s waist, grounding them both.

Luca’s breath catches, and he’s so glad he can be a comfort to the person who has always been a comfort to him. His eyes burn with unshed tears of gratitude.

Thank you for letting me love Finn Merritt, he prays.

“No, I think it’ll just be for me, and now you. Ready?”

He hears a tiny huff behind him; it sounds like Tsuki is ready, as well.

“Mmm. I’m going to close my eyes so I can really listen.”

Finn’s voice is already faint with sleep, so Luca kisses his forehead.

“What’s it called?”

“I think I’m going to call it When the Shadows Close In. It’s about love.”

Finn is asleep before the last note, so Luca closes his eyes, too.