Page 10 of Tides of Fate (Fated in the Stars #3)

“Gideon! We’ll see you down here at 8:00 p.m., yeah?” Grayson calls out as he shifts Nix’s new things higher in his arms.

Gideon just raises the hand holding his knife and sings louder, half-smile in place.

“Seriously, how is he so good at everything, Gray?” Nix sighs, grabbing the two smaller boxes. He whistles for Tsuki. “Come on, girl.”

Grayson leads the way along that right-wing hallway, toward Nix’s bedroom. His bedroom . He’s still trying to get used to the idea. Maybe soon, all this space and all these things won’t feel so strange.

When they get to the room, there’s a new bedside rug and a new mattress with a soft white cover. Even without sheets, it still looks nice.

“Oh, hey. I’ll go get your new sheets and duvet, and we can make your bed up. I washed everything, and it should smell fresh,” Grayson says, like fresh isn’t the opposite of what Nix wants.

At least it won’t reek of chemicals and unfamiliar places.

Grayson drops his boxes on the small computer desk in the corner near the window and another on the floor.

When he’s gone, the lure of the mattress proves irresistible. Nix flops face-forward, spreadeagled, nose pressed in deep. It smells like Jamie, Luca, Rowan, and Leo—like mates, family, and home. They must have unpacked it when they brought it upstairs. This is what Nix needs everything to smell like.

There’d been so much stuff, holy shit. It had been a mountain of boxes, and Nix is still processing how it felt to have so much stuff— where before, he had nothing.

Was nothing.

What? No. His mates don’t think he’s nothing, even if Hayes had.

With a surprising amount of effort, Nix pushes those memories aside, back in that bulging box, together with the sudden burst of adrenaline he’d felt at not being able to interpret Gideon’s mood downstairs about Tsuki being underfoot.

If he soothes himself by lying face-first on his newly scented mattress, then nobody should have anything to say about it.

Except his soulmate, apparently.

Grayson gives a bright burst of laughter, and Nix admits he must look hilarious.

“Ha ha, Gray. Get over here. It’s missing something.”

“Yeah? Okay, I had Gideon scent these while I was downstairs. Do they smell a bit like onions? Because ew.”

Nix’s mate drops the sheets and what looks like a hundred blankets of various materials and colors on the foot of the bed. What could one person need with so many blankets?

“We’ll get Finn to do it, too, when he and Rowan surface.”

Grayson flops back on the bed, then bounces and wiggles like a fool, rubbing his basil-vanilla scent all over the new mattress with the joy of a toddler.

Nix can’t help but giggle. Grayson is so goofy when he lets himself just be. Nix loves this freely happy version of his soulmate. Besides, the scent of a happy Grayson is a good scent to have in his bed.

Maybe it’ll help him sleep without ruining another mattress or tearing it to shreds. He had slept well in the nest last night, not even noticing when everyone had risen to go about their day.

He’s learning Gideon is an early riser, and he’d sent Jamie, Leo, and Luca off to make big decisions, while Rowan declined to attend.

Adamantly.

Nix is impressed that Rowan knows his limits. No one wants an assault charge to herald their departure from Ripley .

Finn had been asleep in his bed, even if he’d started in the nest with everyone else. Nix wasn’t sure why he and Tsuki ended up there, but Nix was glad Tsuki hadn’t left him to go off alone.

Exhausting himself, Grayson settles on his back.

Nix crawls up and into his arms while they lie crosswise on the bed.

“Gray, do you think Finn is okay?”

Nix can feel his bond with Grayson swirl and glow when they’re pressed together like this. It’s almost distracting how, as soon as they’re touching, Nix’s soul just locks onto Grayson’s like a magnet.

Grayson sighs in relief, and Nix can tell he feels it, too.

“I don’t think so, Angel. He’s really private, always has been. Self-contained, I’d call it. But lately, maybe for the past week, I’ve hardly seen him. He’s not sticking around for movies, and last night was one of the first times he’s been in the nest since Rowan’s rut.”

Since Nix had been with the pack, he means.

Nix had thought so, too. Finn has always been sweet and attentive to Nix, but this feels different. This afternoon outside had been perfect. Finn had smelled fine and had felt even better, but Finn hadn’t wanted to let him go, and he’d whispered things that Nix was even more sure now he hadn’t meant to say out loud. Things Nix won’t share with Grayson because they are just for them.

“Hey, let’s make your bed, and then we can decorate for the party. We’ve got a few hours to kill before we should get ready for dinner.”

He drags Nix off one side by the hand, and together, they get the crisp yellow sheets on the bed and the multicolored cover on the fluffy duvet.

Nix had chosen rainbows and tiny little suns so that even in the darkest of nights, he could be reminded of brighter days.

When they had it all made up, Nix shooed Tsuki off the pile of extra blankets and began folding them into neat, perfect squares.

“Uh…Angel?”

Nix was focused on getting the weirdly hemmed purple fleece one folded perfectly and shook it out to start again. It was difficult not to give in to the urge to just throw the pile of fabric on the bed and jump in after it .

He doesn’t, of course. There were more than enough blankets on the bed already, and if Nix had his say, he’d be in the pack nest to sleep or with someone else anyway. Besides, maybe there might be a guest who needed Nix’s room, and the less they had to tidy away, the better.

Guests in their den…er, house. Ugh. Nix’s wolf did not like the idea of that. Maybe with enough notice, Nix would feel less like growling and snapping? Either way, Nix will deal. He always did.

“Mmhmm?” he responds, adding the purple blanket to his pile and picking up a green velour one.

It is so soft, he has to rub it on his cheek. Perhaps he could sleep with this one by his head. It was cool and soft, and one extra blanket wouldn’t be too much trouble. But surely no more.

“Angel, why are you folding them all up? Wouldn’t it be cozier if you opened them up and piled them in bed?”

Grayson takes the last two—a deep blue and a multicolored one in shades of pink—and just holds them out.

As soon as he hears it, Nix knows that’s exactly what he wants to do. He can call to mind the exact texture of each of the blankets he’d folded, and he knows where they should be. Some would be under the rainbow duvet, several around the top of the bed, and even one—the green one—over the pillows.

“That wouldn’t be weird?”

It feels like he is compelled to do it, the wolf sending images of Nix and his mates curled up on the small bed, sated with the scent of family, all sleepy and content.

“Weird? Fuck, no. It’s what omegas do; they nest .”

Grayson shakes the folded blankets out. “You know those books Finn left on the table? Well, they talk about how omegas like to put soft things in their beds, like blankets and even clothes from their mates.”

“But I thought the big nest room was a nest?”

He knows that’s what it’s called, and Leo had even called it Luca’s nest. But Luca was a beta, right?

Nix folds the green blanket and places it over his pillows, and it’s immediately right.

Grayson hands him the purple one back, but Nix shakes his head and shakes out a red one, scrunching it up along the top edge of the pillows, between the headboard and the pillow’s edge. It doesn’t smell like pine, but maybe Nix could get Jamie in here and fix it before bedtime.

“It is a nest, and it has been Luca’s for so long. He’s a beta, but he’s got really powerful instincts now that he’s in therapy, and it makes him so happy. Everything has a place, and even when we’re in it, we’re where he wants us to be, ya know?”

Nix knows. Luca had dragged and prodded him on each occasion that he’d been in the nest until he was “just right.” But Luca didn’t have too many blankets or soft things in there, just people.

But his bed—that was a giant pile of laundry.

They’d bonded on Leo’s shirt. Nix could smell the entire pack that night.

That was a nest?

“I want one too, Gray.”

He doesn’t just want these freshly washed blankets, though; he wants them scented, and he wants sweaters and t-shirts and hoodies and whatever else that smells like mate.

Nix’s wolf puts his feet in motion, and he is out the door, along the hallway, and knocking on Rowan’s door before Grayson can stop him.

There’s a blue scrunchie on the knob. Before he can wonder why, it’s yanked open so fast that Nix jumps back.

Rowan looks grumpy at being interrupted. He’s shirtless, the scent of black currant and spiced rum heavy in the air. He’s got two purple hickeys on his collarbone.

“The scrunchie is on the door for a reason—oh!”

His face morphs from annoyed to smiling in a split second.

Grayson snorts at his rapid change in tune. “Sorry, Rowan. Nix is building a nest.”

“A nest?”

The alpha throws his broad shoulders back, even sounding excited at the thought .

“I think he wants something of yours for it. Isn’t that right, Angel?”

“If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, Rowan? I need…”

Rowan pulls him into his very tidy room, where there is a pile of quickly discarded clothing in the middle of the floor.

Finn is sitting up, naked, but with a pillow in his lap. He looks a bit flustered, and Nix spares a bit of regret for what he’s about to do—but Nix wants that pillow.

He can’t stop himself, and lightning-fast, he’s grabbed it out of Finn’s hands and has it up to his nose. It’s fresh black currant arousal and older spiced rum. It’s perfect.

“Sorry, Finn, but I need this.”

Rowan laughs, kisses his cheek, and then tackles Finn back on the bed, kissing him senseless.

“I think I’ll survive,” Finn gets out between Rowan’s kisses.

He’d like to stay to see what Finn and Rowan are doing, but…he can’t get his nest out of his mind.

There’s only one place he can find everyone’s scent as quickly as possible.

“Come on, Gray. I need to go to the laundry room.”

It takes him a trip to the laundry room and an hour of rearranging the clothes he’d taken from the dirty laundry hampers of his seven mates to feel like he has a nest he is happy with.

He’d have to get Leo and Jamie in to scent those blankets, and if Luca would cuddle him later, then it might be perfect.

It’s a hodgepodge of scents and textures, but to him, it’s perfect.

Grayson had stood nearby the whole time, and once he’d carried the stuff up from the laundry room, he hadn’t touched a thing or even commented.

Does he think it’s ugly?

He smells happy; his new basil-vanilla scent is rich and creamy, and their bond is glowing.

“Gray, do you…uh… do you like it?”

Like he’d been waiting for an opening, Nix’s alpha grins, and his eyes make the happy crescents that Nix is learning mean he is joyful.

“Angel-baby, I love it. It’s perfect. ”

A wave of satisfaction flows over him, and he throws himself into Grayson’s waiting arms.

“You do? Do you want to come in?”

Nix walks backward until he can turn and pull the rainbow duvet back. Underneath, he’d placed a towel from Gideon’s hamper and the purple fleece blanket that had arrived today, still awaiting Luca to do his thing.

Grayson just waits until Nix is settled, and then he takes his alpha’s hand and pulls him in so both their heads rest on the green blanket.

“Oh, it’s really cozy. Are you happy?”

Nix really is. It makes him feel safe and content, like nothing bad could hurt him here. It’s a feeling he’s not had since before his parents died—or maybe ever.

He’d been safe as a child, but there had always been a monster under the bed some nights.

Then there really had been a monster in Nix’s life.

But this?

Being surrounded by the scents of people he loves…if there was a heaven, this would be it.

“I’m happy. Like nothing bad can get me here.”

He’s feeling a bit floaty, and even though Nix knows a bed can’t really do that, the scents help keep the bad thoughts away. Maybe Nix’s nest will help keep that lid on that mental box locked down tight.

He and Grayson spend the next hour lying there and talking about safe things.

Grayson is good at navigating the minefield that is Nix’s past and the fear of his future, and for that short time, Nix is grateful he can just be present and feel his body in this warm place.

The nest smells so good that Nix thinks it could only smell better if he had more of Grayson in it, so he kisses Grayson and—just as he’d hoped—his basil-vanilla scent blooms between them.

“Gray?”

When Grayson kisses him again, Nix just opens his mouth so Grayson can devour him with teeth and tongue, licking and sucking and nipping at his sensitive lips. The heat in his belly blooms hot, and he’s leaking slick in no time at all.

Abruptly, Grayson pulls away to lie on his back, breathing heavily, his eyes squeezed shut like he’s in pain, a sheen of sweat on his face.

Nix is surprised at the sudden stop.

“Grayson. Are you okay?”

He runs his hand over Grayson’s chest and uses a finger to turn his chin toward him.

Is it the Broken Bond Syndrome again? It shouldn’t be, right?

Nix hadn’t felt the same pain at all, except for when he’d been at the Costas’s and concentrated for that minute just on Grayson. Then it hurt like mad until he could lock it down.

But it had hurt Grayson terribly.

“Angel. Just. I need a minute, alright? Just one minute,” Grayson says, voice breathy.

Nix does not understand what’s going on—not at all.

What if he’s done something wrong?

He tries to think about what he might have done that has upset his alpha enough that he had pulled away.

Grayson had kissed him and been with them outside, but he hadn’t come. Nix would have noticed. Instead, he’d chosen to swim in the cold pool.

Grayson hadn’t wanted to make love since they bonded in the Art House.

It was only yesterday, but…

Maybe Grayson doesn’t want him anymore?

Maybe he’s finally figured out that Nix is all used up.

Maybe Nix tastes bad?

Maybe he is bad.

Maybe he…

The crawl of shame is like a prickling heat, and it shoots bolts of nausea and dread straight to his core.

The self-loathing he’s been able to hide from with all the praise, love, and affection he’s been receiving—and the security of the nest—oozes out from that box in his mind .

He can’t stop it.

The meltdown he’d had with Jamie outside the church hadn’t been easy to come back from, and then hearing Rowan’s lack of faith made getting the lid back on that mental box almost impossible yesterday.

Nix doesn’t understand why knowing Jamie supports him or that Gideon thinks he really can do this and win is making him feel worse, not better.

Why is it harder to keep it in that box when he’s safe than when he’s fighting for his life?

Isn’t he supposed to feel better when he’s safe?

But he doesn’t.

It should be easy with the pride and joy Nix felt when LRH had announced they were leaving the company that had treated them so poorly. They were so relieved, and Nix was too, because getting away from people who hurt you is hard, and the relief must feel like the worst of weights have been lifted off your shoulders.

Once he’d stopped worrying Hayes was going to jump out at every corner, Nix had felt that relief himself.

It should be easy to let that happiness just carry him through, and it was enough—until the deliveries had come, and there were so many new things, and he just wasn’t used to it. It had almost been more than he could contain.

Nix is so grateful for a warm bed, his beautiful nest, and new things he’d never thought he’d have again, but they are also just another way he’s beholden to his family to provide for him.

It’s just another way that he’s not contributing to their family outside of trying to be a suitable mate—outside of offering his body and the pleasure he provides with his slick and a wet mouth.

It’s not that Nix hasn’t wanted every minute of every second of pleasure he’s spent with his mates. He has.

His wolf wanted the bonds so much, and he felt Finn’s missing one like a lost limb or a missing fourth wheel; he was just driving in circles, weirdly tilted to the side.

Those moments are ones he’ll treasure forever, and they were for him just as much as them .

He knows that much, at least.

But his body is the only thing he has to offer.

Even if he’s used up and tainted, they don’t seem to mind—and they seem so happy with him afterward.

It’s enjoyable for everyone, so easy to just keep doing it while keeping the mental box perfectly closed.

Mostly.

Now, though, Nix doesn’t want to think that his mate is rejecting him. He wants to be reasonable, and he can feel their bond is strong and good. Grayson may say “no” and have Nix respect that.

But it doesn’t feel good when Grayson tells him to wait or when he rolls away.

Nix doesn’t know where he stands or what he’s supposed to do now.

What good is he if he’s not desired?

“Ow, Jesus. Fuck.”

The soul bond snaps tight and vibrates with white-hot fury. It has Grayson jackknifed up on the bed, sweating even harder than before.

“Angel. What are you thinking that has our bond feeling like I’ve been set on fire?”

Bolting into the bathroom, Nix throws off his t-shirt and turns the water on extra hot. He’s under the scalding water as soon as it heats, scrubbing his skin with his new loofah, which now only serves to make him feel even sicker to his stomach—where before, it had meant Leo was thinking of him.

Now, it’s just one more example of how Nix only takes, takes, takes .

Nix is ruined, and no matter how hard he scrubs, he’ll never get the stain of Hayes off his skin.

Never be clean enough to deserve his nest or his mates.

He’s yanked from the shower and into Grayson’s arms so fast that they slip and slide on the floor. It’s puddled with water, as Nix must have forgotten to close the door.

“Nix! Are you all right? Fuck, look at your skin.”

Skin burning and soap in his eyes, Nix just stands still and lets Grayson wipe his face with a soft towel .

The burning is fading already, and when it’s gone, the ache in his soul returns. It’s too much.

Grayson helps him to his feet. “Angel. Please. What did I do?”

“You haven’t done anything. It’s me. I know it’s me. Can I finish my shower, please? I need to be clean. I need to.”

If he can wash hard enough, maybe the others won’t notice. Maybe Grayson won’t tell them how dirty he is.

“Please don’t tell them.”

“Don’t tell them what? That you tried to burn your skin off? I’m so fucking confused.”

Grayson is distressed, but Nix doesn’t want to talk about it.

He wants his mate to leave him alone, so Nix doesn’t reveal how messed up he is, how broken.

“No.” Nix shakes him off. “Why are you doing this? I know you don’t want me anymore, but maybe they won’t mind?”

“Not want you? What? And, mind what—?” Grayson looks stupefied.

Maybe he hadn’t expected Nix to notice he wasn’t wanted?

Does Grayson think he’s useless and stupid?

Hayes always told him he was.

Nix shakes his head and turns the water to cold, but before he can stand under the frigid water, Grayson has his hands on his shoulders, making it hard for Nix to look away.

He can’t bear to see the disgust in his soulmate’s eyes.

“Look at me, Angel. Please.”

Nix reads confusion and concern on his mate’s beautiful face, and he feels love in the bond.

“Nix. I don’t know what I did to make you think I don’t want you when it’s the opposite. I want you more than anything or anyone in the entire universe. In the history of time. No one will want you or need you more than me. Can you tell me what happened?”

He sounds sincere, but Grayson is kind—would he lie to make Nix feel better?

Only one way to know for sure. “One minute we were kissing, and the next, you rolled away and told me you needed space, and you are allowed to do that. But it doesn’t feel good.”

It felt— feels —terrible, and that rotten place in his brain had helped Nix along this path of self-hatred and fear, where every word he hears is tinged with Hayes’s mocking tone.

“Oh, fuck me. Angel. Shit. Come on. Let’s wash up, and then I’ll try to explain myself. But please believe me when I say that I want you. You are beautiful inside and out, and so full of life. I would want you if you were a…a…turtle.”

Turning the water warm, Grayson removes his clothes, too, and he pulls Nix under the water, kissing his nose and cheeks. It goes a long way to ease him back from the edge of despair.

“A turtle?” Nix whispers. “Weird.”

It’s not so bad when Grayson is holding him and talking to him. The box doesn’t leak its poison as much, and he can’t hear all the things Hayes has said in his head.

“Yes, a fucking turtle. Or even a tomato.”

Soft hands rinse the soap away, and Nix can smile a tiny bit.

“What about if I were a worm? Would you want me then, Gray?”

Grayson stops his ministrations, and Nix isn’t really sure what he’s going to say. It could go either way.

Finally, Grayson turns the water off, grabs a towel, wraps Nix up from neck to knees, and grabs another for himself.

“You need a robe, Angel-baby. Come on.”

He lets Nix decide how they get into the nest and where Nix wants him. It still smells good, and he finds it relaxes his tense muscles and overactive brain just a little bit more.

When they’re under the crisp cotton sheets with the duvet up to his nose, and the nesting materials tucked in close, Grayson pulls him in.

“Yes,” he says seriously.

“Yes?”

“Yes, I would want you if you were a worm. Because you are beautiful on the inside, not just on the outside. You are sunshine when it rains. You are laughter when we are sad. Your soul shines so brightly, you make everyone you meet fall in love with you. So even if you were a gray, slimy, oozy worm, I would want you.”

Not everyone has loved Nix. He knows that for a fact, and what Grayson says is ridiculous—but oh, so romantic.

Grayson is the one who is lovely, not him.

If Grayson says he wants him, he wants to believe it so much, but there is still evidence of when Grayson pushed him away.

He’s still confused.

“Then why didn’t you want to be with me outside? Or here?”

Nix hates that he sounds whiny—feels like an idiot when he’s had more wanted orgasms in the past two weeks than he has ever had, but he’s whining about Grayson’s.

But he can’t look away, checking for the smallest “tell” in his mate’s face.

Grayson groans and rubs his nose against Nix’s. “Yeah, well. You know our conversation outside? About kinks and stuff?”

Nodding, Nix brushes a soothing hand over Grayson’s chest.

And it hits him.

“Wait, is this one of those things?”

“Yeah. It’s unique to me in our family. I like to abstain from orgasms for as long as I can because when I do, they’re really strong. I like the way it makes me feel while I’m waiting. Like there’s an ache, and it’s pleasurable. After a while, it makes me feel sensitive and desperate…it’s crazy arousing.”

“You like to be horny and get hornier without coming, and then when you do, it blows your mind?”

It sounds…uncomfortable.

But Luca says you shouldn’t yuck someone else’s yum.

Grayson laughs. “That’s it, essentially. Finn calls it self-edging because I do it to myself. But some people like it when others do it to them. Gideon does it for Luca sometimes when he really needs it.”

Heat shoots straight to his core at that.

“Oh, that sounds…wow. Would they let me watch that?”

Nix imagines Luca, pink and sweaty, begging to come while Gideon makes him wait.

“I think I should put it on my list of things to try, Gray.”

Chuckling, Grayson agrees. “I am sure they’d both be down for that. I’m sorry, though, about before. I should have explained to you right away why I wanted a break. It’s just that you push my control to the limits, and it takes a lot to focus. Gideon would have my balls for it if he knew. I’m sorry.”

It’s good that Grayson still wants him, and Nix will be ready when Grayson says he wants it. “You’ll tell me when you’re ready, right?”

Grayson squeezes him tightly. “You’ll be first to know.”

Good.

Like always, the absence of the fear makes him tired.

He’s relieved that at least Grayson still wants him, in spite of how Hayes used him.

Nix won’t forget to be grateful.

He is almost floaty with the knowledge of how lucky he is, that Grayson overlooks it.

“Love you, Gray. Thank you for explaining it to me. I’m lucky to have you.”

“It’s me who is lucky. Are you feeling better? Maybe we could sleep for an hour? Then we can get ready for dinner.”

Grayson rubs his nose in Nix’s hair.

“Lots better. Yeah, I’m tired now too. Gideon said he’s got big plans for tonight.”

He doesn’t know a lot of what’s on the big spreadsheet list of kinks, but he can offer himself, anyway.

Maybe that will still be enough.

It will have to be enough because it’s all he’s got.

Nix yawns, already melting into the nest. It smells so good. So safe.

“Hey, Gray?”

Grayson hums sleepily.

“If I was a worm, do you think Tsuki would still love me?”

Grayson groans. “Angel. Please. Go to sleep.”

Nix giggles and lets himself drift away.