Page 26 of This Time Around
“I didn’t take our breakup as calmly as I indicated in that text message, Milo.”
I heard his chair scraping against the linoleum as he scooted back from the table. I didn’t feel the air stir when he silently approached me, but I felt him just the same. Milo pressed his hand softly against my shoulder, then slid it down to my waist.
“I was so wrong to push you away, Andy. I should’ve tried harder and been more patient. I think a part of me expected you to stop me from ruining us, or at least, reach out to me after we had time to miss one another,” Milo said softly.
“But I didn’t,” I replied.
“No, and I realized we were truly over when I didn’t hear from you after Maegan was diagnosed with cancer.”
I hung my head in shame. That was another one of my bad judgment calls I could never take back or forgive, even if Milo did. I couldn’t begin to imagine how hard that was on all of them, especially a twin whose life was intricately woven with his sister’s. Just the thought of Faith going through chemo and radiation was enough to break my heart, but Milo lived it day in and day out. Did he feel everything Maegan went through also? I was too afraid to ask him.
“Hey,” Milo said softly before he kissed my shoulder. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad, Slugger.”
“I know, but I do.”
“I also didn’t mean to distract you from what you wanted to say.” Milo stepped to the right then hoisted himself up to sit on my counter so he could look at me. “Talk to me, Andy.”
His dark-blue eyes were mesmerizing enough to lull me into a sense of comfort that made me feel like I could truly pull it off. I turned the burner down, put the lid back on the soup then stepped between his parted thighs. Milo immediately wrapped his legs around my waist, crossing his ankles behind my back and pressing his chest tight against mine. I couldn’t resist grabbing his firm ass, nor was I surprised when my dick twitched even though I’d come twice already. It was the Milo Effect in full force.
I pressed a long, lingering kiss on his lips while searching for the right words to say. Just days before, I wasn’t willing to cut myself open and bleed for Milo when he demanded it. Maybe it was because I felt he wasn’t ready to hear it, no matter his claims. The moment felt different, and his show of faith and willingness to wait made me want to come clean with him.
It was a story I’d told plenty of times, but only to my family and in my NA meetings. I feared I would destroy our chance at a life together if I wasn’t careful, but I also knew we couldn’t build a future on a foundation that was missing bricks. I had to fill in all the gaps, and the two of us needed to seal the cracks with mortar. Milo showed he was willing to take a leap of faith, and I wanted to reciprocate.
I reluctantly eased back from our kiss but kept my hands on either side of his neck. I felt the way his pulse vibrated beneath his skin. Was he nervous to learn the truth, excited by our kiss, or both? For me, excitement and dread raced through my body.
“Nothing you say will change what you mean to me,” Milo said softly. God, I wanted so much for that to be true.
“I will understand if you change your mind,” I told him.
“Not going to happen.”
“After we broke up, I went to a very dark place in my head.” A look of devastation washed over his face, making me cringe. “None of this is on you, Milo. I mean it. If you want me to continue, I need you to promise me that you’ll not try to shoulder any of the blame.”
“I can’t promise that, Andy. You already told me that I broke your heart. But,” he said, covering my mouth with his long, graceful index finger, “I will do my best to remember we were just kids.”
What else could I really ask of him? “It wasn’t just our breakup though. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. It was so many things.”
“I have nothing but time for you.” Milo stroked his hand over my chest to comfort me.
“It was being away from home and all the people I loved, it was the fear that I wasn’t good enough to ever see the field, and I hated being in the closet, Milo. We can’t pretend that every person who lived in our small town supported us as a couple back in the day, but we were pretty sheltered from the worst of it by our friends and family. It wouldn’t have been that way in college. It was more and more evident each day how I could never be myself.”
“I’m sorry,” Milo said softly. “I should’ve known better.”
“We were sixteen and eighteen years old, Milo. Mature for our age, but we still couldn’t see past the tip of our dicks. It’s not like either of us were great communicators. We got mad, fought, then fucked our way past our trouble.” I kissed his lips to take the sting out of my words. Our relationship was more than fighting and fucking. I didn’t just lose a boyfriend; I lost my best friend.
“At first, I told myself that our breakup was for the best. I decided to put my focus on school and baseball. I have never been the sharpest tool in the shed, so I had to work extra hard to maintain a high enough GPA.”
“Andy, stop that,” Milo admonished softly. He always hated when I referred to myself as a dumb jock or implied that I was stupid.
“When I wasn’t studying, I was in the weight room working out for my first season as a college ball player. It was the one thing that got me through missing my family and you.” I dropped a quick kiss on his forehead to smooth out the frown lines. “One night, I pushed myself too hard and tore up my shoulder. I knew Coach would be pissed because I had worked without a spotter, and that was against the rules, so I didn’t tell him. I iced the shoulder and tried to stretch it out like I’d seen the trainers do. My shoulder got worse instead of better, but I kept pushing myself because I didn’t want to risk my spot on the roster. Unfortunately for me, what might’ve started out as a minor injury became a torn ligament that needed surgical repair.”
“That’s what these little scars are from on your shoulder,” Milo said then kissed them. “I’m so sorry. Did you miss the entire season?”
I swallowed hard. “My story gets worse from here. Are you sure you’re ready to hear it?” Milo looked at me with wide eyes but nodded. “Without baseball, I spiraled into a depression. I withdrew from my teammates, started sleeping longer, skipping classes, and physical therapy for my shoulder.” I took a shaky breath then said, “And I became addicted to booze and pain pills.”
“Baby,” Milo said tenderly.
“I stopped giving a fuck about anything besides getting high enough to forget about my misery.” I had to close my eyes because this was the worst part of my story and would hurt Milo the most. When I reopened them, I saw that Milo had mentally braced himself to hear what I had to say.