Page 32

Six weeks went by without any dramatic incidents. Despite the unrelenting murderous urges he had towards Cary, Shane had managed to keep his cool.

Dustin returned to school, and to the bakery. When Dustin was home, he kept out of Cary’s way as much as humanly possible.

Shane left for work early every day well before Cary got out of bed, driving the beat-up square body that Jerry had indeed delivered the Sunday after Halloween. Cary kept himself occupied in the evenings, so Shane rarely had to interact with him. But Laney did.

Shane was worried. Both Laney and Dustin had told him that Cary only ever stayed for a few days, a week tops, before fucking off again. But Cary was showing no signs that he was growing bored at home. He didn’t want to ask Dustin about it – the kid looked peaky enough as it was – and he hadn’t had an opportunity to speak more than a few generic phrases like “please pass the coleslaw” or “how was school” to Laney since Halloween. Every second that Laney and Shane were both home, Cary was at her side. It set his teeth on edge, and she was clearly drained. But until Cary left and he had a real chance to talk to her, all he could do was watch her fall apart, and it was killing him.

He spent hours every night convincing himself not to sneak into her room.

He threw himself into the job at the scrap yard with such force that Jerry had run out of tasks in the first week. Shane couldn’t do anything about the emotional roller coaster he was riding, but his body? That he could control. That he could wear out.

He slept. He worked. He ate. He smoked fatties with Jerry. He hung out with Dustin in his room and watched him sketch. He tried not to think about Laney’s mouth. He smoked bigger fatties.

Jerry hadn’t been kidding about the perennial garden. It was too late in the season to do anything about the plants, but he fixed the low brick walls that had been damaged by the forklift. Then he fixed the skid steer. Got the old quad running. Sorted piles of metal until his back ached. And was now dismantling several rusted-out vehicles for parts instead of scrap.

At first, Jerry was pleased. Then contemplative. And now Jerry looked straight-up concerned.

“I need to talk to ya, kid,” Jerry said, holding out a joint. Shane wheeled himself out from under the raised bed of an old Ford, accepted, and took a puff. He’d seen this coming.

“It’s okay, Jerry,” he said. “You don’t have to keep paying me. But… if it’s okay with you… I’d like to still come here. I’ll work for free.”

Jerry blew out a smoke ring. “Don’ worry about the job boy. It’s starting to look like a respectable business around here. But I’m not so sure you should be in that house at all right now.”

“Somebody needs to look out for Laney,” he said. “And Dustin,” he added quickly, flushing.

“I’m not arguin’ that, Shane. But… I think you need a break from them. I think you need to get away for a few days.”

“I’m fine,” Shane said tightly.

“No. You’re not.” Jerry said. “You’re wound tighter than I seen ya on Halloween an' we both know how that went. I can see it comin’, we both know you not gonna be keepin’ to yourself much longer.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Shane muttered.

“Yes. You do. I’d guess you’re up half o’ every night convincin’ yourself not to crawl into that girl’s bed, and the other half convincin’ yourself not to smother Cary in his sleep. Fuck or fight, boy. I see you strugglin’, an’ I see you losin’.”

Shane bent his knees so that his feet were flat on the floor, and rolled himself backward and forwards on the creeper he’d made so he could slide more easily under the vehicles.

“I got an extra room, here. An’ I think you should come an’ stay with me.”

“I can’t leave Laney alone with him, Jerry. You don’t understand. It’s not just about – about me. The way he is with her… it’s like he’s…” Shane couldn’t articulate it, couldn’t form the words. He just knew it wasn’t right. “I can’t. I can’t leave her there.”

“You won’ be leaving her there. You’ll be givin’ yourself some space, givin’ Cary some space. I don’ think there’s much I can do at this point to keep you from drownin’ in that girl. But I can save you from prison. I can save you from killing someone.”

“He deserves it,” Shane bit out.

“Nobody deserves that,” Jerry said calmly. “But… I know what you feelin’.”

“YOU DON’T KNOW!” Shane shouted, launching to his feet. “YOU HAVE NO IDEA! I haven’t been able to speak to her alone since Halloween. He’s there, around her, on her, every fucking second of every fucking day! Six weeks and he hasn’t once stopped watching me! Six weeks Jerry, and he may as well have Laney perched on his fucking lap. It makes me sick. And Laney is not okay. Do you get that? Whatever bullshit you’re about to tell me about her being fine, she’s not.”

His chest was heaving.

Jerry pulled up a stool and plunked his old ass down.

“Shane… who do you think bought Cary his shop, huh?” Shane blinked at him. “Cary bought that house four, maybe five years ago. But I helped him buy his other place in '95. Helped him fix up that apartment, so he had somewhere else to be.”

Shane opened his mouth but Jerry held up a hand to let him keep speaking.

“When she was little, Cary loved her. An’ it gave me hope for him, y’know? Cary never loved nothin’ or nobody, even when he was tiny. God made him with a giant hole in his heart. But then Laney come along and I never seen him look at anyone the way he look at her.” He scratched his beard again. “But there’s a cruelness in him. And as she got older…” Jerry’s face hardened. “There’s things you don’ understand that aren’t none of your damn business. But Laney… she’s your business, that’s clear enough. Only you can’t see straight, right now. You need a break, kid.”

“You’re right. I shouldn’t be there, anymore,” he replied, deflating like a balloon, his voice quiet.

Jerry’s brow knitted together. “I think I done you a disservice,” he said slowly. “I’m no good at this shit. At talkin’. I’m giving you the wrong idea…” He sighed. “You don’ need to be leavin’ her, you just need space. The three of ya been takin’ damn good care of each other. You just… fit. Anyone can see it. Before Cary came home, an’ even after. But Cary is a hard man. It plain as day to me that Laney, and Dusty, want you around. But you needa play it smart. Let Cary get used to ya.”

“Did you know I hit her?” Shane blurted.

To his surprise, Jerry replied “Yes.” More puffs. “I asked Laney about it when I first saw ya. All of a sudden her face was busted up and you was hangin’ around outta nowhere. I needed ‘a make sure she wasn’t gettin’ herself into trouble.” He looked thoughtful. “She said you swung blind. Somethin’ about her comin’ up behind you in the dark and announcing herself as a cop.” He chuckled.

“The first time I met her, I gave her a black eye. I fall asleep every night to the fantasy of beating her brother’s face into a paste. And Halloween…” Shane swallowed. “If Cary hadn’t shown up, I wouldn’t have stopped, Jerry.”

Jerry cocked an eyebrow, and Shane let the shame pour out of him.

“I’d have gone as far as she’d have let me, and then I’d have begged her for more. What kind of guy does that make me, huh? She’s just a kid!” He put his head in his hands. “I’m afraid to leave her but I… I shouldn’t be the one looking out for her. I’m not…” he struggled to find the right word “…good.”

“Fuck me,” Jerry grumbled, rubbing his eyes. “I didn’t know you was tearin’ yourself up about how you been feelin’, I thought ya were just worryin’ about getting’ your face kicked in for touchin’ her. But you don’ need to be embarrassed about it, boy. She ain’t a kid. Not really. Not anymore. An’ I think you might be the best thing to happen to that girl in a long while.” His brows pulled together. “But… Well fuck, wasn’t expecting to give a damned sex talk today, but here we go… Waitin’ never hurt nobody. Okay? Jus’ cause you like her don’ mean you need to… you know…” Jerry coughed.

“Are you about to tell me about the merits of abstinence until marriage? Because I have a pamphlet.”

“All I been tryin’ to do is get you to slow down . Lord knows I wish someone had told me to, when I was your age.”

Shane’s mouth twitched. “We’ve barely spoken in six weeks. How much slower can we go.”

“You need to find a way to take the intensity down a notch, boy. That’s why I want you here. Get some perspective, get your head on straight, and then go back and find a way to make things work with Cary. Find a way to be her friend, figure out the rest later. Stop telling yourself it’s a bad thing to want her, stop making her forbidden fruit, you’re just amping yourself up even more. Just tell yourself… not yet. Let Cary get used to you. Stop seein’ you as a threat.”

“Not yet…” he repeated, testing out the words.

Not yet.

The next morning he found himself in the front entrance of the high school, rank with the scent of athletic equipment and teenaged BO, frantically scanning the crowd.

A few girls sitting in a sunken pit to the right of the doorway were openly staring at him, giggling and blushing.

“Who is that? ” one of them asked loudly, trying to catch his eye. Shane ignored her.

He’d filled out in the ten weeks he’d had a roof and constant access to food. The jagged edges of malnourishment had given way to the lean, toned body of someone who ate well and worked with his hands all day. He’d gone clothes shopping recently, with the leftovers from his paycheck after filling Laney’s fridge for her and for Dusty and – unfortunately – for Cary. It had surprised him in the store when he’d gone up a pant size. He’d been living on scraps so long he couldn’t remember the last time he wasn’t thin. The shopgirl at the work warehouse had helped him pick out some heavy-duty jeans and thick long sleeved plaid shirts that he layered under the coat he’d borrowed from Laney’s closet, keeping him warm in the yard all day.

The girl had written her MSN on the receipt. He didn’t know what that meant, but she’d said it like she was giving him her number.

He’d thrown it in the trash on the sidewalk outside the store.

He felt increasingly self-conscious as a few more girls joined their friends, openly watching him. One of them elbowed a brunette, who seemed to steel herself before getting up and walking over to him.

“Hi,” she said. She had a small stud in her nose that glinted in the fluorescent light. “I’m Holly. What’s–”

“Do you know Laney Hawton?” he interrupted.

She frowned, then smiled coyly at him.

“I’ll tell you, if you tell me your name.”

“Fuck off.” Shane dismissed her with indifference, and walked farther into the crowd.

“That was unnecessary,” came a dry voice from behind him. “You catch more flies with honey, you know.”

Shane closed his eyes for a moment, basking in the sound of her voice, speaking to him, directly to him, out loud.

“Laney,” he breathed, whirling around.

She raised her eyebrows and faltered back a step at the look on his face. Maybe it was what Jerry had said, she’s not a kid anymore, making him feel less like a piece of shit. But after six weeks of avoiding looking at her, six weeks of clamping an emotional damper down on himself so hard he thought his spine might snap, there she was, standing in front of him, and he couldn’t hold his feelings back. They came blasting out of him like a nuclear bomb.

So much for taking down the intensity a notch.

A few people around them had paused their conversations and were openly gaping at him, but he didn’t care.

“What are you doing here?” she breathed, nostrils flared like she could smell the need rolling off him in waves.

“I… need to talk to you…”

He was struggling to form words. Struggling to form thoughts, even. He’d been relegated to watching her out of his peripheral vision for almost two months and being able to stare right at her was a gift. Her hair was longer, a little shaggy and hanging over one eye. Her face was bare, no makeup. Her lips were slightly chapped, and she had a smudge of pen on her cheek. And she was the most beautiful fucking thing he’d ever seen.

“You need to talk to me… here?” she asked incredulously.

He didn’t want to talk, he just wanted to stare at her until he died.

Not yet, not yet, not yet…

“Can’t talk at home,” he bit out.

She nodded, looking pleased, her face flushed. But she also looked… worried. Confused. She reached out and touched his hand, the charge he always felt around her amplifying. A solid twenty people were looking at him, now. Looking at both of them.

Shit, this isn’t private enough…

He intertwined their fingers and pulled her to a small alcove by the office, where she threw her arms around him and buried her face in his chest.

His arms snapped around her and he pulled her tight, dipping his head low, his lips on her ear.

“I missed you,” he breathed.

See? Just friends. This is normal, right? Friends hug.

Talk to her. Talk to her now, before you do something even more supremely stupid than this… Not yet not yet not yet…

He stepped back a little and cleared his throat. “Laney, I… I’m going to go stay at Jerry’s. Just for a few days. And I didn’t… I didn’t want you to be worried. That I’m not at the house.”

She gaped at him. “You can’t be serious!”

He ran his hand over the back of his head. “It’s just a few days. I’ll be back in –”

“I don’t give two shits when you think you’ll be back. You’re. Not. Going.”

“Laney,” he said, an edge of desperation in his voice, “I’m not… I’m not leaving you.” I could never leave you.

“Sounds like that’s exactly what you’re doing.”

“I’m not, ” he said firmly. “Jerry thinks – ”

“Fuck Jerry,” she spat. “You’re not going.”

Shane reached for her, but she batted his hand away. “It’s just a few days, Laney. It’s just a few days and then I’ll be back and –”

Her eyes welled with tears. “Take me with you,” she begged.

He started to panic, his brain spiraling as she stared at him, a single tear rolling down her cheek. “Please,” she whispered.

It was a testament to how bad it was for her that she didn’t say “Take me and Dustin” . A fissure worked its way across his heart, snapping it cleanly in two.

“It’ll just be a few days,” he repeated.

But she wiped her tears with the back of her hand, wearing the most devastating look he’d ever seen, and then she turned around and ran.

You worth staying for?

Like a bitch in heat.

This thing with us won’t happen.

There’s things you don’t understand.

Bile was rising in the back of his throat.

Don’t touch my girls and we won’t have a problem.

Just tell yourself ‘not yet’.

Take me with you.

Shane turned to the mesh-enforced, shatterproof glass office window. And with a roar, he put his fist right through it.