Page 18

" E lizabeth?"

Victoria's lady's maid turned from the fire she had been stoking. "Yes, Your Grace?"

"This gown." Victoria gestured to the unfamiliar gown that hung from the back of her wardrobe door. "This isn't one of mine. How does it come to be here?"

"Oh," Elizabeth said. "His Grace had it delivered. It arrived this morning."

"What is it? A gift of some kind?" Victoria went over to the gown and ran her fingertips over the embroidery on the bodice. The gown was a pale emerald color, and she knew that it would look good on her. James had made a good choice. But there is something about it that made her uneasy.

"I'm told it's for you to wear to the Worthington ball," Elizabeth said. "I assume this is something you already know about?"

"No," Victoria admitted. "The Worthington ball? I've never heard about this. Do you know when it is to take place?"

"My understanding is that the ball is the day after tomorrow," Elizabeth said. "The gown is lovely, isn't it? I'm sure you'll make a wonderful impression on everyone in attendance."

A shiver ran down Victoria's spine. It wouldn't be the first time James had tried to make a connection for her since he had returned to London of course, but after the debacle with Lord Blackburn, she wasn't eager for his next attempt.

Of course, he had said that she would be able to make her own choice when it came to a gentleman to marry, but in a way, that almost made things worse.

The fact that she had agreed to that meant that she was now promised to cooperate with him.

She could no longer try to sabotage the attempts.

Or rather, she couldn't bring herself to do it.

Even though it would still be possible, he felt the need to stick to her word and uphold her promise.

When she attended this Worthington ball, she would have to try to find a gentleman who was acceptable to her, even though it was still the last thing she wanted to do.

But this new gown…she hadn't needed this. She didn't know what James was thinking, and he should have spoken to her first. "I'll be right back," she told Elizabeth, and walked out of the room.

She didn't realize until she was halfway to James's study that Hades was following her. "Run along you pesky thing," she told him, pointing back in the direction of her room. Hades stared up at her with his insolent eyes, unblinking, and Victoria gave up and turned back toward the study.

She knocked on the door three times. "Come in," James called. She opened the door and saw that he was bent over his ledgers. He didn't look up when she entered.

Should she wait for him to notice her? She decided against it. "I need a moment of your time," she told him.

"I'm in the middle of something," he said, still not looking up.

"This won't take long."

"Very well," James sighed. He closed the book in front of him and looked up at her. His eyes widened. "What is that creature doing in here? You know how I feel about him."

Victoria looked down. Hades was rubbing against her ankle. "He followed me in here," she said. "I'm sorry." She bent down and scooped him up into her arms. "He won't be any trouble, and I'll take him out with me when I go."

"You know he's not supposed to be in here," James objected. He rose to his feet.

Victoria had the feeling he was going to say more, and she cut him off before he could. "I didn't come here to talk about the cat."

James raised his eyebrows. "Is that right?" It was obvious that he thought her impertinent.

Victoria didn't care. "I came to talk about the gown that you had left in my chambers."

"Was it to your liking? I'm afraid I'm not sure what styles you prefer."

"There's nothing wrong with the style," Victoria told him. "But I didn't need a new gown. I have so many — I have many I have never worn before. Why did you feel the need to buy something new for me? Why didn't you even ask me whether I needed it or not?"

"You would've said no," James said simply.

"I would have said no because no was the true answer," Victoria replied. "You should have asked me. Now you've wasted money on something unnecessary."

"I'm capable of deciding whether or not it's necessary," James told her. "If I had wanted your input I would've asked you."

"I thought the nature of our new agreement was that you were going to take my input under advisement."

James folded his arms across his chest. "Advise me then," he said his voice stern. "You're saying you don't want the gown?"

"I'm saying…" Victoria threw her arms up and collapsed into a chair. Suddenly, the fight seemed impossible. "I don't know what I'm saying."

"If you truly don't like it, you don't have to wear it. You can wear something else."

"It isn't the gown," Victoria confessed. "That's not what's upsetting me."

"Perhaps you should tell me what is, then." James rose to his feet, came around his desk, and sat in the chair next to Victoria. "Whatever it is, you can talk to me about it," he said.

It felt crazy to believe that that was true.

And yet, a part of Victoria did believe it.

Perhaps telling him part of the true story would serve her well here.

"It's difficult to face the idea of going into another marriage," she admitted.

"I had so many ideas once about what married life would be like. But then… Everything was ruined."

James raised his eyebrows. "I didn't realize you had been that affected by the late duke's death," he said. "I had thought there was no particular affection between the two of you."

"There wasn't," Victoria said. "That…that isn't what I was referring to."

"Then I'm afraid I'm not sure what you mean," James said. "Did something go wrong for you before that?"

Victoria looked down at her hands, which were knitted together in her lap. "I don't like to talk about it."

"I can understand that," James replied. "I have things I don't like to talk about as well. But I might understand your situation better if you told me what you mean."

He certainly would understand better if she told him. That didn't make it any easier to do so. Her sister and Matthew were the only ones who knew her shameful secret. Could she really tell James now?

She looked up into his dark eyes, which were fixed on her and invited confidences. She felt safe and warm and welcome, and the words tumbled from her lips before she had time to consider what she was doing any further.

"It was years before my marriage to the duke," she began.

"I fell in love with another man. He was the second son of a poor baron.

He offered me nothing in terms of money or prestige, but I believed myself to be in love with him.

Of course, my father would never have given his consent for us to marry — so we decided to run away together. "

"You ran away?"

"We were on our way to Gretna Green. We meant to marry without my father's blessing and without my family's knowledge. It would have been a scandal, but I thought I was doing it for the man I loved."

James's eyes were wide. "What happened?"

Victoria looked away. She couldn't face him as she related the end of the story.

"I was wrong," she whispered. "He never cared for me at all.

We stopped at the end of the road to Gretna Green, and it was there that he tried to take advantage of me.

My sister had followed me, and she found me just in time to intervene and save me.

She had her husband with her. If they hadn't been there…

I can't say what would've happened. All I know is that I've never been more ashamed of anything in my life. "

"But there's nothing for you to be ashamed of in that," James said. "It's the man you were with who should be ashamed. He's the one who acted in nefarious ways. You're not to blame for being taken in."

"I shouldn't have trusted him."

"Perhaps not, but it's not shameful to extend trust to someone. It's not shameful to believe yourself in love."

Victoria could hardly believe what she was hearing.

She had always been sure that if she shared this with anyone, they would judge her and demean her.

She had been sure they would think less of her.

But James seemed to truly believe that it hadn't been her fault.

"I swore that I would never look for love again after that night," she said.

"I realized that believing in love is a dangerous game, and that it only leads to trouble. "

"It doesn't always lead to trouble," James countered. "Your sister found love, didn't she?"

"That's just what she always says," Victoria said. "She says that if she could do it I can do it. That's what persuaded me to make myself available to the gentleman of London for a second season after my first was such a failure. But that didn't work out either."

"Did something happen?"

"Nothing so dramatic. I simply realized that I couldn't bring myself to be around any gentlemen after what had happened.

It was too difficult. When it came time for my third season, and my father said that he had found me a husband, I decided to go along with it in hopes that the gentleman would leave me in relative peace.

I never raised a hand against him, of course — I never would've done such a thing.

But…" She closed her eyes. "I can't pretend that I didn't feel a bit of relief when he died.

I can pretend that it wasn't nice to finally be free of the obligation to be around gentlemen, to think about what they might want from me. At last I was able to simply be alone."

James nodded slowly. "The desire to be alone is something I can certainly understand" he agreed.

"And this makes sense of many things. I can see now why you are so averse to the idea of marriage.

I can see why it alarmed you so greatly when Lord Blackburn was inappropriate with you.

Of course, he was very out of line even if your past had not been what it was.

But the way you reacted to him makes a great deal of sense now that I know all this. "

"You don't think less of me?" Victoria asked. She had been sure that this revelation would change the way James saw her forever.

"Of course I don't," James assured her. "You seem to think that you've told me something about your character, but you haven't.

You told me a story about something that happened to you.

I'm very sorry that it did happen, but I don't feel as if I've learned anything new about you as a person.

You are still the same person I thought you were before you told me this story—someone I respect. Someone I admire."

"Admire?" Victoria asked softly. Could he really have meant that?

He cleared his throat. "I mean to say—I think very highly of you," he said, his voice low. "That was what I meant."

"Of course." Victoria bit her lip. She shouldn't have assumed he had meant anything more complicated or deeper than that.

"But my point remains," James said. "I don't think differently of you because of this story you told me. I'm sorry that happened, but it doesn't change the way I see you."

Victoria felt tears well up in her eyes. No one ever said that to her before. Not even Cressida had told her that what had happened didn't change who she was as a person.

"So you didn't marry my late cousin out of a desire to become a duchess?" James asked her.

"I had no interest in being a duchess," Victoria said. "I simply wanted to be left in peace. Perhaps you can relate. I've often wondered why you are not married yourself."

James turned away from her slightly. "Marriage is not for me."

Victoria wondered what he meant by that. It sounded as if he, too, had some dark secret that he was holding close. But she knew how hard it had been to reveal her own past, and she didn't want to force his hand.

"I'll wear the gown you selected," she told him rising to her feet, and the ghost of a smile appeared on his face.