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CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

NOT GOODBYE

EMMA

A s I drive from my house to Jax’s, I run through my mental checklist again: I have everything I need for travel, I’ve checked into my flight, and all of my appointments are scheduled. Now all that’s left is to say goodbye.

I’ve been dreading this since I left them the night of the snow day. I stayed and helped Jax tuck the girls into bed. I dozed in his arms on the couch, and then finally he woke me up and walked me to the door, knowing that I needed to get home. I drove home that night with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat knowing that this goodbye would be even worse. And now here we are.

In a few hours I’ll drive to Boston and spend the weekend with Molly in our childhood home, and then first thing Monday morning I’m on a plane to Los Angeles. I couldn’t help but think of my mother last night as I was falling asleep, the way she walked out and never looked back. My mind drifted back to that night on the balcony with Jax, hearing a similar story about Alice and Mackenzie’s mom. At least when I walk away tonight, I know that I’m coming back. I know that I will come back to them and to their dad. But that doesn’t make it any easier, guilt and regret still slam into my chest as I pull up to the house.

I see them silhouetted against the front window, and as I turn off my car, Jax opens the door. With slow, measured steps as if trying to hold off the inevitable, I walk up the front steps into the house and right into his open arms. His hands rub my back as I burrow into his chest, seeking his warmth. His strength. After a few minutes he lets me go and I follow him to the kitchen where the table is set for lunch.

“I haven’t told them yet,” he whispers. “I haven’t quite figured out how.”

“That’s okay, I should be the one to tell them.”

The girls take their seats at the table and I join them as Jax finishes a few things in the kitchen. After lunch, I decide. I’ll tell them after lunch, if I do it now I might not ever be able to leave. Jax carries a bowl of salad and plate of breadsticks to the table before disappearing into the kitchen again, and returning with a steaming pan of lasagna.

“I thought I’d make your favorite,” he says with a small smile, “I’ve never made it before so we’ll see.”

“It’s Grandma Elaine’s recipe,” Alice informs me. “Mackenzie and I always help her make it, so we helped Daddy, too.”

“I can’t wait to try it.”

The lasagna is every bit as delicious as it looks, but the real star of the show are the breadsticks. They are fluffy and buttery, and so garlicky that I’m going to be tasting garlic the whole way to Boston. Biting into my third breadstick, I close my eyes and involuntarily let out a small moan, but I have no shame because this breadstick deserves it.

“Jax, these are amazing.”

“I can’t take any credit,” he shakes his head with a laugh. “My dad made those. He refuses to share the recipe.”

“If I made anything this good I wouldn’t share the recipe either.”

“Aunt Nelope has the recipe,” Alice quips and Jax’s head snaps to hers, eyes narrowing.

“Are you sure?” He asks, suddenly very serious.

“Yep. Remember when uncle Jake asked to marry her? She was at their house and Grandpa let her look at all his recipes and copy ones she liked. She liked his breadsticks.”

“That was years ago,” Jax’s eyes are wide as he regards his daughter. “How do you possibly remember that?”

“I don’t know,” Alice tilts her head to the side, eyebrows furrowing as if trying to figure out how she remembers. Finally, she shrugs her little shoulders and takes another bite of lasagna. “I just do.”

“ADHD superpower,” I tell Jax. “It truly doesn’t make sense, because most of the time our long term memory is a mess, but some of us have a habit of remembering weird little details of events from years ago. Long term memory storage for us isn’t neat and orderly, and you never know when you’re going to stumble on a memory or what might trigger it.”

“The breadsticks,” Jax laughs.

“The breadsticks.”

“Goodness, I’m gonna miss you,” he says, eyes meeting mine. “You’ve helped me understand Alice in ways I never did before.”

Two pairs of eyes are watching us now and suddenly the room feels much smaller, the time on the clock seeming to tick faster than before. It’s time. I can’t keep avoiding the inevitable.

“What do you mean you’re going to miss her?” Mackenzie asks, a harshness in her voice that I’ve never heard before, and as she trains her tear rimmed eyes on me, my heart breaks. “Are you leaving?”

“Only for a little while,” I choke back the emotion in my voice. “I’m going out to California to play in a soccer game. After that I have a few meetings that I have to go to, and then I’ll be home in the new year.”

“You promise you’re going to come back?” Alice says, her voice breaking as tears spill down her cheeks, and suddenly I am six years old again.

“You promise you’re going to come back?” The memory comes back to me as clear as it’s ever been. Dad was going away for a weekend teachers conference, leaving Molly and me with his parents. Grandpa and Grandma’s house always smelled like coffee and freshly baked cookies, even if the coffee was long gone and the oven was cold.

“Sweetheart,” Dad puts his hands on my cheeks, his eyes looking right into mine. “I promise I’m going to come back.”

Dad wraps his arms around me and Molly, holding us tight against his chest, and pressings kisses to the tops of our heads. “Be good for Grandma and Grandpa.”

Be good.

I was a nervous wreck that whole weekend thinking that if I wasn’t good for them, they’d leave or Dad wouldn’t come back. Looking back on it with the benefit of hindsight, I realize how wrong I was, but my six year old brain didn’t know that. I barely slept that weekend. I was careful not to make messes or leave anything out of place. I wasn’t just going to be good for my grandparents, I was going to be the best, because then Dad wouldn’t have a reason not to come back.

“I love you both, so much,” tears well in my own eyes as the girls stare back at me, before adding: “And your dad, too.”

Jax drapes his arm across the back of my chair, scooting closer to me at the table, and his proximity gives me the boost I need to tell them everything.

“You know I used to play soccer? I got hurt, and haven’t played professionally since. I’m better now – mostly, anyway. I still have a doctor’s appointment to get through – and they want me to play again. So that’s where I’m going. I’m going to go out to Los Angeles and on the day before Christmas Eve I’m going to play with my old team, and then I’m going to come home a few days later.”

“Will we be able to watch you play?” Mackenzie asks.

“Yes. I’ll send your dad the information for where to watch the game.”

“Good. And then you’ll come see us once you come home.”

“If it’s okay with your dad, of course I will.”

“Girls,” Jax clears his throat, his voice thick with emotion. “Will you give us a minute?”

Mackenzie and Alice head down the hall and Jax waits until the bedroom door clicks shut before turning his chair and facing me head on.

“Emma, I love you, and I am so proud of you for going back to your old team and playing again. But…”

Oh. No.

No. I don’t like this.

My pulse kicks up, and my body's flight response kicks in. I want to avoid this talk, but I know that I can’t.

“...But, I can’t wait forever, Emma. I – we – need stability.”

“And you deserve it, Jax. I’m not asking for forever…at least not yet. I’m asking you to wait for me for a few weeks. Tops. When I come home, I’ll have made my decision.”

“And you still don’t know what that is?”

“I’m waiting until after the match. I’m not going to say yes to anything long term until after I’ve been out there on the pitch in a game setting.”

“That’s understandable.” Jax runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. We’ve known this day was coming, I just didn’t think it would be quite this hard.”

“This isn’t…a break-up, right? That’s not what we’re saying?”

“No,” he looks startled that I’d even suggest it. “It’s not. I’m just trying to wrap my head around what the plan is. I’m a planner, I don’t know if you know that about me.”

His smile calms my nerves the tiniest bit.

“I did, in fact, know that. And I don’t know if you know this, but I’m not. And not for lack of trying. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve determined to be better about planning ahead, and keeping a schedule, and then giving up a few months, sometimes weeks, into doing it. I can’t stick to a habit to save my life, it’s why I have timers and alarms and reminders on my phone for things like medication and meals.”

I can feel myself getting worked up, feel the anxiety that always creeps in when I feel the need to explain or justify myself. Defend myself and the chaos in my brain. When my mask slips and I finally allow someone I trust to see all the messiest parts of me.

“More often than not, I leave my phone in the fridge, or load the peanut butter jar in the dishwasher and stick the knife in the pantry.” The number of times I’ve done that is a non-zero number. I’m sure he thinks I’m joking, but I’m not, and I’m really glad that peanut butter is shelf stable for all the times it’s spent a day in the dishwasher when I’ve left for work after breakfast. “Jax, I’ve tried…”

“I’m not asking you to change,” he stops me with a gentle hand on my arm. “I would never ask you to change who you are, Emma. I love you. I love you exactly as you are. I love your alarms and reminders and the sticky notes on every flat surface of your house. I love you. Every single part of you.”

“Why do I sense a but?”

“Not a but ,” he says, “an and . I love you and I love my daughters. I love you and I know that I need to give them some kind of stability, some kind of assurance.”

“Is it not enough for me to say I’m coming home?” I interrupt him, irritation replacing my anxiety. “I’m not saying that there won’t be a decision Jax, just that there are conversations that have to happen first. ”

“Yeah,” he blows out a frustrated breath. “No, I know. We’re getting off the rails here. I don’t want to leave things like this.”

“I don’t either.”

“So, what’s the plan?”

I laugh despite myself as Jax realizes what he’s just said. Soon his laughter joins mine and a light mood returns to the room.

“The plan is that I spend the weekend with my sister before flying out to LA. I have an appointment with the team’s medical staff in a few days, training, and then the match in two weeks. After the match, I have a meeting with my agent, the team, and a combined meeting with the two, and then I’m on a flight home as soon as possible.”

“Sounds like a good plan,” Jax smiles. “I don’t like the thought of you leaving, but I guess I don’t have much choice.”

“Jax,” I whisper, casting a glance at the clock, knowing if I don’t hit the road now, I’ll be fighting traffic into the evening. “I have to go soon.”

Jax calls the girls back into the room and I give them hugs and reassurances that I’ll be back soon. Promising that we’ll talk while I’m gone and insisting that they not worry about me. Mackenzie is excited about the match and the idea of watching me on television, and Alice is worried about whether or not there will be a sub in the library when they get back from Christmas break. Considering I started as a sub for the librarian, I’m sure there will be, but certainly not for the long term, because I intend to be back at my desk in January.

Jax walks me to the door, his hand at the small of my back, warm and steadying, and I’m this close to asking him to build the blanket fort and letting me hide out for the next few weeks rather than going to Los Angeles. What I wouldn’t give for a holiday season here with him and the girls. Pajamas and cocoa and a Christmas cookie contest to settle our debate once and for all. I want to sing carols with him and sit on the couch in a room lit only by Christmas lights long after the girls have gone to bed and know that when I wake up in the morning, he’ll be beside me.

“Emma,” Jax steps closer to me, one hand cupping the back of my neck as he dips his head and meets my lips in a soft, tender kiss. His free hand strays to my waist and I wrap my own arms around him, pressing myself to his chest, greedy for his warmth. He breaks the kiss, pressing his forehead to mine as his eyes slide closed. “You said you’re not asking for forever. Not yet…is forever something you want?”

“Yes.” I breathe the word with no hesitation. “Yes. That’s why I need you to wait for me.”

“I’ll be here. We all will be.”

“I love you.” I crash my lips to his before pulling myself away and forcing myself out the front door and down the walkway to my car, doing my best not to look back at the house. I drive in silence until I’m out of Saratoga and on the freeway heading east before streaming music through my phone. Once it’s plugged in, the music starts and guilt and regret slam into my chest as the playlist Jax shared with me picks up. It’s a playlist he created with Alice and Mackenzie’s favorite music and I’ve often found myself listening to it when I’m home alone and trying to clean or get work done. I wasn’t expecting it tonight, and I certainly wasn’t expecting the tug of emotion that accompanies it. I’m glad I was able to talk to the girls, but it doesn’t make this any easier.