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CHAPTER NINETEEN

PART OF THE FAMILY

EMMA

“ I texted you their address, and Mrs. Hutchinson insists that you don’t have to bring anything,” I take off my sweater and try on another option while video chatting with Molly who is clearly in our parents’ kitchen rooting through the pantry while talking with me. “I can’t wait to see you. And hug you!”

“I’ll be leaving first thing tomorrow morning,” she takes a canister from the pantry and sets it on the counter before peering at me through the screen. “Wear one of your dresses tomorrow. Jeans and sweaters for the rest of the time.”

“What would I do without you?”

“That’s a good question. Good thing we never have to find out the answer.”

“Okay,” I drop a sweatshirt and a pair of slippers into my bag with my pajamas and clothes for tomorrow and the rest of the weekend. “I love you, Molly. See you tomorrow.”

Jax picks me up around nine-thirty in the morning, and Thanksgiving is already in full swing when I get to the Hutchinson house. Wednesday, Claire says, is prep day. Jake and Penelope are in charge of the turkey and Jake is getting a brine ready for it to sit in overnight. James and Mandy are down the road at their own house using their oven and stove space to make Mandy’s secret family stuffing recipe. Alice and Mackenzie are each handed a vegetable peeler and pile of potatoes, and the two get to work on peeling sweet potatoes and russets to get ready for tomorrow. The family dog, Charlie Gehringer, greeted me at the door and hasn’t left my side since.

I drop off my ingredients for casserole in the kitchen before Jax takes me on a tour of the house, starting with dropping off my bags in an upstairs guest room. Jax opens the door to a room that feels like a woodland fairytale; the wooden four-poster bed has a gauzy canopy draped from the posts, light pours in from the sliding balcony door across the room, and the plush rug beneath my feet is like walking on a cloud. Access to my own ensuite bathroom really seals the deal.

“Mom gave you the best room in the house,” Jax says, stepping into the room behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist. “I’m next door in The Bunkbed Room.”

“Sounds fun.”

“ So fun. Especially since I’m bunking with the girls.” Jax presses his forehead to mine before claiming my lips in a kiss. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“I’m glad to be here,” I kiss him again, sinking deeper into the comfort and strength of his body, interrupted by a commotion from downstairs.

“Ignore it,” Jax whispers against my lips, and as much as I’d like to shouts of “Dad! Get down here!” are too much to ignore. Jax reluctantly breaks the kiss and gently takes my hand in his, leading me out of the room and back down the stairs where a young woman that I recognize from family pictures stands at the foot of the stairs, and a man with arms laden with bags stands beside her grinning.

“Brother!” She shouts, launching herself at Jax the minute his feet hit the landing. Letting go of my hand, he throws his arms around her and lifts her off the ground, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

“Sister!” After setting her feet on the ground, he pitches his voice low, “I’ve got someone I want you to meet.”

No pressure, I tell myself, she’s just Jax’s sister. That’s all. No pressure. Except…all the pressure. She’s Jax’s sister. She helped him with the girls when their mom left, she’s his best friend, and as pathetic as I know it sounds, I really want her to like me.

“Emma?” Jenna asks, not so gently shoving her brother to the side as he laughs. “I’m so excited to finally meet you. Jax and the girls have told me all about you!”

Jenna enfolds me in a hug and the tension and nervousness melts right out of my body as I return her embrace. “Come with me,” she says, pulling away, “I know where all the photo albums are.”

“Oh, yes please,” I respond with a laugh as Jax grumbles behind me and Jenna grabs my hand.

“Marcus, my husband, he’s on pie duty so you and I have plenty of time to get to know each other before I replace him in the kitchen.”

I follow Jenna downstairs to the basement living area where she points me to the couch and proceeds to gather up a bunch of family photo albums, spreading them out on the ottoman in front of us. The first album is pictures of Jax and his siblings when they were kids; school pictures, baseball pictures, and a wealth of baby pictures of all four kids. Jenna makes it a point to show me the pictures of Jax during his first two years of life, before she was born. Then a third baby appears in the photos, and finally a fourth, Jake.

“Jax was the best big brother,” Jenna tells me as she flips through the pages of the album. “I love all my brothers, but Jax has always been someone special.”

Jenna grabs another album, this one starts out with James and Jax, each in uniform – James in Air Force dress blues, and Jax in his own Marine Corps regalia. The pride in Jax’s gaze as he looks at his little brother, straightening his lapels and ribbons, is unmistakable. It’s the same look I see when he watches his daughters, the same look on his face when he walked down the stairs earlier and saw his sister standing at the door. It’s a look that I’m coming to realize is Jax’s default when he looks at the people that he loves.

It’s the look on his face right now when my eyes meet his as he walks down the stairs. My heart stutters as he takes a step forward, his eyes never leaving mine, even as he addresses his sister.

“Jay, Mom needs you upstairs.”

Jenna presses a kiss to Jax’s cheek as she passes him, whispering something in his ear before she bounds up the stairs and I hear the faint click of the door shutting behind her. The album in front of me now is filled with pictures of Alice and Mackenzie, my breath catches on a picture of Jax with both girls in his arms; infant Alice in one arm, cradled close to his body, and two year old Mackenzie in the other, looking adoringly at her sister.

“We’d just moved in with Mom and Dad,” he says, sitting down next to me and wrapping an arm around my shoulders, pressing us closer together as he turns the page to a picture of the girls in snowsuits with a snowman and their uncles behind them. “We wouldn’t have made it without family.”

“You and the girls are very lucky to have your family.” I choke back the emotion that clogs my throat as I think about the years after my mom left. Dad didn’t have support from family like that, it was just the three of us against the world until Maureen blew into our lives like a whirlwind.

“We are,” Jax nods, as I lean into his chest, “I know there are things the girls are missing by not having a mom around, but my mom and Jenna, Amanda and Penelope, they’ve stepped in and helped fill that void for them. But I can’t help thinking that there’s still something missing.”

I flip the page with shaking hands, and watch as the girls grow up surrounded by family, as I listen to the muffled sounds of the Hutchinsons upstairs, and I think of all the quiet holidays I celebrated with Dad and Molly. A stray tear rolls down my cheek and Jax wipes it away with his thumb, gently turning my face toward his, concern etched in the lines of his face.

“Emma,” he breathes my name on a rough exhale, as he slides his hand to cup my cheek. “Have you thought about this? About us?”

“I have, Jax, and it’s not fair to you and the girls if we…if I get attached to them, to you, and then I leave.”

“So we do what Mrs. Owens said,” he sighs, “we cross that bridge when we get to it. What do you say?”

I want so badly to say yes. I want so badly to be a part of his life, and Alice and Mackenzie’s lives, in a deeper, more meaningful way. But everyday the calendar moves closer and closer to the unknown. Maybe I can lean into the known, like Jax said, cross that bridge when I get to it.

“I say, let’s take the scenic route to that bridge.” I slide my hand around to the back of his neck, threading my fingers into his hair as I draw him toward me for a kiss. Jax wraps his arms around me, enveloping me in his warmth as he presses me into the couch and deepens the kiss.

“Emma!” A voice calls down the stairs, “you’re up!”

Jax and I pull apart, breathless, and he stands, offering me a hand up from the couch. I gratefully slide my hand into his and don’t let go until I make it to the kitchen. Jenna raises a glass and gives me a knowing look as Jax presses a kiss to my cheek before going off in search of his daughters. With shaking hands and the memory of Jax’s kiss on my lips, I start the prep work for my green bean casserole, allowing it time to rest in the fridge before finishing it off in the oven tomorrow.

“Need any help?” Jake sidles up next to me at the counter with a hopeful gleam in his eye. He’s so earnest that he gives me no choice but to say yes, so I pass him the cartons of button mushrooms and set him to the task of dicing them while I work on the onion on my own cutting board. Mackenzie and Alice station themselves at the kitchen island with the green beans and work on getting the stems off and snapping them into more bite-sized pieces.

“There’s talk,” Jake says, thoughtfully, “that you’re thinking of going back. How are you feeling about that?”

“Honestly? It scares me.”

“Jax has probably told you this, but he reminded me on more than one occasion to –”

“Do it scared,” Jake and I say in unison.

“Yeah,” I laugh. “He’s told me.”

“He can be a persistent pain in the–”

“Yes he can,” I can’t help but laugh again. “But it’s cute. And I know it comes from a place of caring.”

“Seriously though,” Jake stops mid dice and looks at me, waiting for me to meet his now serious gaze. “It’s not a decision to take lightly. If I hadn’t gone back the second time, I might have just faded into baseball’s memory, moved up here on my own, and not put myself out there again. I wouldn’t have met Penelope.”

Jake’s gaze strays to his wife, on the living room floor with Juniper and Leigh, as my own eyes land on Jax. He’s seated himself between Alice and Mackenzie and has started helping them snap green beans. As if he can sense my eyes on him, he looks up and rewards me with a warm smile and small tilt of his head.

“I want to give myself a chance to decide,” Mackenzie’s words from the other night fill my mind. It’s not like they can choose for you. Only I can decide for myself what comes next. “I want to be able to go out on my own terms instead of being forced out by my circumstances.”

“I get that,” Jake nods, thoughtfully. “I thought I was giving myself that chance. But sometimes life throws us a curveball.”

“It’s how you swing at it that’s important.”

“Whatever you decide, Emma – soccer…or this…” he inclines his head toward Jax and the girls, his message clear. “Do it scared.”

Jake adds his diced mushrooms to the cast iron pan on the stove and steps aside so that I can make my own homemade version of the canned mushroom soup used in green bean casserole. Once everything is in my baking dish and ready to be baked off tomorrow, someone runs it down the road to James and Mandy’s to be stored in the fridge overnight.

As I watch the family gather in the living room and around the dining room table, a pang of longing squeezes deep in my chest and a sudden need for my own family overwhelms me. I slip out of the kitchen and up the stairs to my room. Mom and Dad don’t fly out until tomorrow morning, and sometimes a girl just needs to talk to her mom.