Page 21 of The Toymaker

Pausing things between Kit and Riju was a good thing. They both needed time without sex. Riju spent a lot of time at night in the basement while he worked on toys. During the day, they took care of the shop and split the chores between each other.

Kit spent his evenings reading or drawing in the sitting room. He’d taken up residence on the couch since it was more comfortable than the pallet in his room. He could have taken Trig’s room, but it felt too odd to him.

One night, Riju came up from the basement with red eyes and sat on the floor by him.

“What’s wrong?” asked Kit.

“Maybe I am retarded,” Riju mumbled.

“What-no! Don’t let the Trig control you and make you feel bad from jail too. You’re not retarded.”

Riju ducked his head. “I can barely concentrate down there, and I haven’t gotten much done. What kind of toymaker works so slowly?”

Kit set his book on the floor and reached over to grasp his shoulder. “You can't concentrate?”

“Yeah. If I can’t work, I’ll be a failure before I even get started. I'm tired, and my mind keeps wandering off.”

“To what?”

“Trig,” Riju whispered.

“It’s only been a few days.”

Riju fiddled with a thread hanging from the couch cushion. “He was my first kiss. My first everything. After what he did to us both, I shouldn’t miss him at all now, but I keep thinking of everything in the beginning. I thought he really cared and loved me later when things changed and we became intimate. Some things he said made me mad like how he wasn’t my first, but I thought we’d be fine. He made me feel things I hadn’t before.”

Kit thought for a few moments. “He was or wasn’t your first?”

“He was. I'd never been with anyone else at all.”

“It’s not wrong for you to miss the man you were with for so long, especially since he was also your first. I’d expect you to be heartbroken. You miss the old him, or the man you thought he was.”

“I shouldn’t miss him because of the man he really was.”

“You didn’t know what he was capable of, and it’s not your fault. Nobody shrugs off their first love of so many years.” Kit moved to get off the couch and sit next to him. “What did he say to piss you off? I’m confused about him not being your first. But you said he was.”

Riju shifted and drew up his knees as he scowled at the fireplace. “He said I’d been raped and thought I didn’t want to admit it. He thought I was lying when I said he was my first partner and I was a complete virgin. I wasn’t lying. Alone, I’d masturbated before. That's it. Not once had I done anything with another person. Not even a kiss. He didn’t believe me and said it's why I wouldn't bottom or take off my shirt.”

Kit tilted his head. “I’m not getting this. Why would he insist you were raped and not really a virgin?”

“Because…” Riju paused. “Can I tell you what happened to me and why I ended up at the physician?”

Kit instantly got it. Trig thought the attack had included rape. “Yes, if you want.”

Riju picked at his thumbnail for several seconds. “Sometimes, I used to hang around other homeless people a bit. Some share things if they’re friends or they simply talk. It's something to do at times, and another homeless person probably won't pinch their nose and act like they're too good to be near you. ‘Friends’ might not be super close, and technically, you’re all in competition.”

“Charity has limits,” said Kit.

“Exactly. A few didn’t like me much, but if they had a fire, they didn’t mind me sitting by it to get warm. A couple were okay with me being around. A guy tried to grab Dory one night, and he said I was too old for dolls. He called me all kinds of names, and when he lunged…I had a nail I’d found on the street and tucked between my first and second fingers. I caught him right across the cheek and opened it up. It was sturdy enough to channel my electricity, so he got a little shock too.”

“It sounds like he deserved it. He beat you up?”

“Not then. His friends didn’t think he deserved it. One who was rather neutral toward me got me to follow him a couple of weeks later. He hadn’t been there for the incident, and I didn’t think much of it. He said a warehouse was full of food from a shipment that arrived by boat. They were going to tell others to come and get some too, and it was too much for one person to carry away. If we played fair and were sneaky, we'd all get at least a couple of meals worth of stuff. I believed it because he was known for occasionally nicking food and sharing with others. He often prowled around the docks too, and he’d even snuck onto ships before to snatch things. A few of us had started calling him Lucky.”

Kit hugged his knees because he could tell what happened next, and he didn’t like it.

“He either found loose boards or pried them open earlier. We both slipped into the back of a warehouse, and he led me deeper in between a bunch of shelves and crates. The guy I sliced was there with another friend, and they blocked my way…I dropped the damn nail. I'm sure they intended to kill me, and they almost succeeded. They didn’t rape me, but they beat me down. I had nothing to channel with and…I thought I was going to die in there.”

He sniffled and moved to lean on Kit who wrapped an arm around him. “I’m sorry, Riju. I never thought you keeping your shirt on or not bottoming was because you’d been raped. I thought it was just something you do. Plenty of men never bottom because they don’t want to.”

“Trig didn’t believe me no matter how much I insisted they nearly beat me to death and nothing else. They only wanted to punish me for hurting the one guy, and they said retards shouldn’t be sucking up the local charity along with a whole bunch of other shit. I wanted to tell you before, but I was scared because I’ve only ever told Trig. The sight of the physician who treated me brought up a lot of bad memories, and if I panicked then…”

“You didn’t panic now.”

“I trust you a lot more. I never trusted the others Trig and I'd been with enough to tell them anything about my past. Not even my parents.” Riju straightened up a bit and pulled on the loose shirt under his snugger vest. “I like clothes. Did you like being naked all of the time?”

“Hmm. I like being forced to remain nude. It’s a power thing, so…”

“Without the kink, do you like it? You’ve only got drawers on now.”

“On my own, I’ll often wear just drawers in the evening. I don’t mind clothes, but when I'm relaxing by myself, I kinda don’t want to bother. I don't like tight clothes.” Kit paused, trying to think of how to word it. “If I wear anything tight, it takes up too much attention. It’s not comfortable, and I can’t think about anything else. It’s not the same as being tied up either.”

“I like wearing clothes,” said Riju. “They make me feel safe, and I especially like red. In the warehouse, they tore off my clothes and made fun of me for being so skinny. They didn't have many pounds to spare either, but it was something to make me feel bad. I think I wanted to leave my shirt on even with Trig because I felt too vulnerable, and maybe something in my head said not to trust him with everything. I never showed him my full body. I was born with tattoos, and he has no idea what they look like…unless he took a peek while I was sleeping.”

Truly, it sounded like a thing Trig would do instead of respecting Riju's wishes, and Kit scowled. “I’d say it makes sense. Someone removed your clothes, and rape isn’t the only bad thing a person can experience. I think people get bad feelings at times too because they know something isn’t quite right. You got the feeling from Trig even if you didn’t know why, so you kept a couple of things back and since you like clothes, keeping at least a shirt on was a way to make you feel comfortable. Is that why you wouldn’t bottom for him even just to try it?”

“I guess. I like having control during intercourse. Trig asked in the beginning, and…” Riju shook his head. “When I imagined him having control of me in that way and being inside of my body, it made me uneasy. I couldn’t do it. Not even to try it out. He said it was fine if I always topped him because he prefers being fucked, and a man who bottoms can still be the dominant one. He still insisted he wasn’t my first, and it didn’t help when I woke from nightmares about that night and had a panic attack a few times. It pissed me off he thought I was having nightmares about rape and wouldn’t just accept what I said as truth.”

“I believe you, and you can always talk to me if you want. I don’t mind if you feel better in clothes because I’d never tell you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. But I do think you should do something.”

“What?” asked Riju.

“Maybe you should take a break from work.” Kit straightened his legs. “Stop making toys.”

“I have the time to make stuff. I should be working to prove I can do this later and have a stockpile.”

“To prove to you or Trig?”

“He’s not around. I have to be good enough to succeed.”

“If you think you’re not good enough, I bet it’s because of things he said. You’ve been through a lot lately, and you just unloaded stuff. I’m glad you feel like you can trust me, and you can tell me anything, Riju. Anything . But perhaps you should take something else off of yourself and take a break. I mean for days, not an hour or whatever.”

“I have to work.”

“We’re not about to starve or be on the street, and you could go back to it in a few weeks. If you take a real break, maybe it’ll help you to destress because you’re not forcing your brain to keep going and going. I think minds need rest like a body. Don’t worry about what Trig thinks or even what I think. If you really want to keep working every night, do it. It might be better if you don’t because you didn’t have any kind of break at all. We’re still running the shop too.”

Riju stared ahead. “All right. I’ll give it a few days.”

“Do you want to do something fun to destress?”

“Like what?”

“Get a blanket.”

“For what?”

“It’ll be a surprise. Sort of.”

“I don’t like surprises when I know one is coming.” Riju pushed up his spectacles as he gazed at Kit. “I know you wouldn’t purposely do anything bad, but surprises can be bad. People think you’re supposed to be happy and excited to know something is coming. You’re not supposed to know what’s coming, just that it is, and I don’t like it. It makes me uneasy.”

“Oh.” Kit scratched his head. “So if I bought you a present, and I’m not giving it to you right away, I should say nothing and simply give you the gift when it’s time?”

Riju’s face brightened. “Yes! You get it! I’ll know what it is right there. Trig didn’t get it.”

“The surprise was that I’d tie you up the way you like. We won’t do anything sexual. You can relax, and I’ll lie on top of you.”

“That sounds great.”

“Get a blanket so the floor is more comfortable. I’ll get rope from downstairs.”

Once they had everything ready, Riju settled on the floor in front of the fire. Kit had never tied anyone himself, and he told Riju to let him know if anything didn’t feel right. He’d experienced plenty of bondage and seen it done, so he was sure he could do the simple wraps and knots.

He knew to double the rope to disperse pressure, and he started with Riju’s ankles. He was careful with the knots, and he bound Riju’s thighs together before doing his upper body.

“It’s not too snug or too loose?” asked Kit.

“It’s fine.” Riju lay back on the blanket. “I didn’t realize how much I needed this.”

Kit got on top of him and earned himself a pleased little sigh. Doing the tying had been a new experience and slightly odd. It had also been satisfying to relax Riju and feel how limp and at ease he was. He'd definitely do it again as long as Riju was okay with it, of course. With the crackling of the fire being the only sound, Kit breathed in his rose and magnolia odor. It was a way for him to relax too.

Since he dozed off, he wasn’t sure how long they stayed there until Riju broke the silence and woke him up.

“I have to pee.”

***

Instead of working at night, Riju started spending more time with Kit instead. They read kid’s books out loud to each other, and Kit taught him how to draw little children. Occasionally, Riju spent the evening alone in his room. The quiet solitude was likely good for him too.

On the morning before the winter solstice, they woke up to a foot of snow.

So much was unusual in Eveningwood, and since Riju said there likely wouldn’t be many customers, they didn’t open the shop. Instead, they dressed up as warmly as possible after breakfast and went out into the backyard.

It wasn’t much of a yard, and a wall separated them from the next street over. A couple of broken crates and twisted pieces of wood sat against the back wall of the shop. Kit had never seen so much snow, and the thick carpet of white felt funny to walk on. Riju showed him how to make a passable snowball. When Kit threw it against the stone wall, it burst into little pieces.

It was so fun, he did it several more times until he noticed Riju was making a mound.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to make a snowperson. I’ve never done it before.”

Kit hadn’t either. The concept was simple. It turned out it wasn’t easy to stack balls of snow, and their creation was rather short and misshapen. For a face, they added a few bits of broken wood.

Satisfied with their blobby creation, they crouched in front of the snowperson and pronounced it a job well done. Riju’s nose was pink, and he smiled at Kit.

“This was fun.”

“It was. Has it ever snowed this much here?” Riju was older, so he'd spent more winters in Eveningwood than Kit who’d been born in Glasswood.

“Once. We got nearly this much back when I was four.” Riju hugged himself. “I took Dory out in it and put her in a lot of layers, but she got cold pretty quick, and I had to take her inside. I couldn’t go outside by myself so I didn’t get to play in it.”

He meant his sister, Dory, not the doll.

“Why couldn’t you go outside by yourself?” Kit had often played outside alone as a small child either because he wanted to or to get away from Father when he was in a bad mood.

Riju adjusted his spectacles. “I couldn’t leave her alone for long, and I had to watch her. I don't remember where Mother was that day. Father worked, and I think Mother occasionally did some basic sewing at a tailor’s shop. I think she often went out just to get away from us and see her friends. She didn’t want us always clinging to her skirts. In fact, I don’t think she'd ever wanted kids although she loved Dory more.”

Kit’s stomach pinched. He knew what it was like to have shitty parents. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize. You didn’t do anything. Do you want to know why I want to start a toy shop? It’s not just because I enjoy making dolls.”

“Why?”

“I think I was three when Dory got her doll from a neighbor. She was a year younger than me. I had a few blocks, and I had a few bits of wood I’d scratched faces onto so I couldn’t pretend they were people. Dory had a soft bear, but our parents wouldn’t buy us new stuff because they said it was a waste of money, and we'd break the toys. I don’t remember ever getting a new toy, and the doll was the nicest thing she had. I want to give kids all the toys we never got to have and see them happy too. Dory was so excited about her doll, and when I asked her what she was going to call it, she said Dory.” He stared at the snowman. “I miss her a lot.”

Kit put his arm around him.

“I don’t know what was wrong with her. They wouldn’t tell me, and she got so sick, she couldn’t walk anymore.” Riju sniffled. “My parents started fighting more, and the only way I could get them to stop was to tell them Dory was scared. A lot of times I said it when she was asleep because I was scared.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you.” Perhaps Kit shouldn’t have asked why he couldn’t go outside. It was only the second time Riju had ever mentioned his sister, so it was clearly a sore subject.

“Maybe I should talk about her once in a while.” Riju took off his spectacles and wiped his face with the back of his mittened hand. “I wanted to as a kid, but Mother would start crying, and Father would tell me to shut up and it was my fault for upsetting Mother. One day, I’ll tell you some happy memories I have with Dory, okay? I’d rather go in and get warm now.”

“All right.” When they stood, Riju hugged him. Kit squeezed him back.

“Do you want to come back out in a while and make snow angels?”

“What’s a snow angel?” Kit hadn’t heard of the term before.

“I’ll show you.”