Page 110 of The Throne Seeker (Vallorian #1)

R ose fled the ballroom on the hunt for untainted air, the sound of her heels clicking on the stone echoing through the barren corridors. Each step made her feet protest, but she pushed through the pain. It was trivial compared to the throbbing ache in her chest.

She was forced to succumb to the fact that her siren was becoming more uncontrollable.

There was darkness within her—pure, undeniable darkness.

And to her horror, it was growing stronger by the hour, taking hold of her thoughts, her words, her feelings.

If she had looked at Tristan for even a split second longer… what she might’ve done…

She’d expected her siren to have power over others—what she hadn’t expected was for that same power to extend to herself.

She made her way toward the corridor that led to the torch-lit terrace, not paying attention to where her feet took her.

Her quick steps nearly caused her to stumble into a couple in the middle of a passionate kiss. She skidded to a stop, going to turn back the other way until she recognized who the man was.

Xavier.

He was with a woman she didn’t know—a pretty girl with auburn hair who was glued to him like they had been stuck for a while, evident in her tousled hair and ragged breaths. Something ate at Rose from within, feeling like a piranha had been set loose in her stomach.

As soon as Xavier saw her, he wrenched himself from the woman.

Still stupidly gawking at the pair, Rose said, “Oh—um. Sorry, excuse me.” They were the only words she could manage before she fled.

She rounded the corner sharply, practically running in the other direction. The image of Xavier kissing that woman was still seared into her brain like a hot flame.

She’d only made it down a single corridor when quick footsteps came from behind.

She whipped around, about to pull out the knife strapped to her thigh?—

Xavier shoved her arm down, stopping her. “Rose.” His bloodshot eyes looked concerned. Concerned . “What are you doing out here alone?”

Her nose stung with the stench of alcohol. “Have you been drinking?” she questioned in irritation.

“Not nearly enough,” he murmured. A thick scowl crossed his brow until he noticed her distress. “You shouldn’t be out here alone. What’s happened?”

“Nothing.” She tried to bypass him, but he stuck out his arm, grabbing her.

“Don’t do that.” His sharp eyes looked directly into hers. “Don’t bottle up your feelings like you always do. You’ve gone through hell these past couple of days, and you have every right to feel how you feel.”

She despised how he knew her so well. Through his touch, she could feel his compassion multiply, his worry and his relentless desire to bring her closer. To touch her. To kiss her, to do more than kiss?—

The simple fact made her siren want to touch him, too.

Rose smothered her uncontrolled thoughts again, guilty for even thinking it as she freed herself from his grip. “I can’t open up to you.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Because I can’t lie to you!” She pushed him away. “And I don’t want anyone to see me like this.”

“Like what? A human being with feelings?”

“That’s just it. I’m not human! I’m not like you, any of you.

I’m a monster—a manipulative, selfish monster who does nothing but hurt people around her—people I claim to love, but if I really loved any of you, I’d leave.

Perhaps your mother was right, Beth, Satin, all of them.

I should just leave. I should leave and never come back.

Let you continue with— that girl .” She jabbed down the hall.

Xavier grabbed her by the shoulders, forcing her to face him. “You know damn well that every fiber of my being wishes it was you. Aren’t you glad I’m kissing her instead of coming to find you?”

Rose sucked in a sharp breath at the sudden confession.

“Get leaving out of your head right fucking now,” Xavier said. “It won’t help—I know. Don’t listen to them. Any of them. They don’t know you.”

He didn’t understand. It wasn’t them she was upset with.

She was upset with herself.

“I hate hurting all of you,” she said weakly.

“You forget I can feel everything. I can feel how much you want me. I can feel how much I hurt Tristan. I can feel how much I disappoint Roman when I so much as look at either of you. I have no idea how I’m supposed to shut those feelings off.

And more importantly, how not to let them affect my own. ”

Xavier’s jaw clenched, his eyes softening. “That must be difficult.”

She folded her arms, grimacing. “Don’t try to be understanding. It only makes me feel worse.”

“What would you rather me do? Hate you?”

“Yes!” she exclaimed. “Be angry at me, hate me. All of you.”

“I’m not going to make it that easy for you. And I doubt my brothers will either.”

Her siren grew prideful of the fact. And she loathed it— loathed that sick, slimy thing inside her.

“I love Roman,” she said flat out. “Doesn’t that make you want to hate me? How am I supposed to live with the fact I’ve ruined your life and now Tristan’s? What if Roman’s next? What if I mess it up or let him down just like I have with both of you?”

“You’re taking too much credit, just like always.

You think this is all your fault, but it’s mine.

” His voice broke as his jaw trembled, letting a shred of humanity show through.

“It’s my fault I didn’t stay, it’s my fault you had to go through this, it’s my fault that my parents are dead.

It’s all my fault.” His eyes drifted upward to the heavens. “I’m sorry… Gods, I’m so sorry.”

The apology wasn’t for her.

He lowered his head, attempting to hide his icy eyes melting into a puddle.

Her heart broke for him, for what he’d lost. She reached for his hand, taking it in hers, trying to absorb his sorrow.

His hand almost clenched back around hers, but he pulled it back as though it’d burned him.

“Stop,” he said, his eyes harboring self-loathing.

“That may be a simple gesture to you, but your innocent touch sparks a blazing fire in me, rising so high I’m convinced the heavens can feel its warmth.

” His face flinched like he was in pain.

“Damn it, Rose! Can’t you see how hard it is for me to be this close to you and not devour every morsel of you?

How hard it’s been to hear how much I’ve put you through? ”

A pain stabbed her heart. “I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty?—”

“But I do!” Xavier exclaimed, throwing his hands up.

“All I feel is guilt when I look at you. Fuck, just look at you. As if you weren’t enough temptation before.

You’re a walking magnet, and I’ve tried to fight the pull, but I can’t.

I fucking can’t. And I feel so guilty about it, Rose.

Because even though you told me you’re in love with my brother, this whole time, all I’ve been able to think about is how I can get you back to my room and ravage you like I’ve done so many times in my dreams. I feel guilty because I’ll never be sorry for kissing you when I did.

” He cupped her face with his hands, forcing her to face him as he lowered his voice to a husky whisper.

“Because now I don’t have to imagine what your lips feel like.

Now, when I’m alone at night, I’ll be able to replay that kiss over and over again, all the while gripping the sheets as I cry out your name. ”

She blinked furiously, swallowing hard, trying to tame her siren’s celebratory pride.

She reached up to take his wrists, lowering them from her face. “Xavier I… I can’t go there.”

His jaw feathered. “I know. That’s why I can’t have you touch me like that. I know I’d get to the point I wouldn’t care who you love. I’d be selfish and take you anyway… Gods, I’d take you so many times.”

Her heart slammed so hard against her ribcage, she was sure it would be bruised.

“Quit looking at me like that,” he said harshly.

Rose quickly averted her eyes to blink back the tears blurring them.

“Gods, don’t stop looking at me,” he whispered weakly.

His voice was so tender, she looked up.

Her siren clawed vigorously, desperate to break to the surface. To reach out and comfort him again. To allow him to take her back to his room and?—

She shut it down.

“I’m going back to my room,” she said, more to herself than to Xavier. “Don’t follow me. Go back to the girl. She’s probably still waiting for you… I know I did,” she couldn’t help but add.

A roar of pain came from him. “Rose.” He tried to close the space between them, but she swiveled too quickly.

She dashed back to her room, nearly breaking her heels. She ripped them off in the middle of the hallway, setting off in a sprint before tears escaped. Or maybe just to escape herself.

She wanted nothing more than to leave this place and never come back. She had made up her mind.

She was leaving.

Tonight.