Page 101 of The Throne Seeker (Vallorian #1)

Her anger halted its rampage as her face softened.

He let out a loud breath and dropped his hands to his side.

“Before you told me how you felt, Tristan came to me a week earlier and told me he was in love with you. If you had heard the way he talked about you…” Xavier’s voice drifted off.

“I knew I could never cross that line with you. It would’ve crushed him.

I was a fool to think he valued our family bond above anything else.

We agreed neither of us would have you. But then, you two became close.

And you became… fond— ” he said the word through gritted teeth, “—of him, too. So I let him keep you, despite our agreement, for your sake. For a long time, I was nothing but an empty shell. I thought after you left, maybe—just maybe—I could finally learn to live without you. But you never left. Not my mind anyway. Not for a second. Not even to sleep. Then I got sent to Corrin with my brothers, and I saw all those people burned—children, babies.”

He paused as his eyes hardened. “I was angry. Angry at myself, at Tristan, at my father. Angry that no one would be held responsible. I was determined to find the men who killed them. We got a tip they came from a city just over the border with Vertmere, so we went to the king, who claimed it was merely an insurgent group acting on their own accord, not for the crown. But we’d heard rumors he’d been receiving a portion of these raids.

He denied it, of course, and we had no proof.

I successfully kept my mouth shut during the meeting, but as we were leaving, the Vertmerian king said not to worry.

It was just a few minuscule lives, and it wouldn’t be worth losing more over…

When he said those words, everything I’d managed to keep bottled up exploded.

I lunged at him. I never intended to kill him.

But despite my intentions, it led to the start of a war.

I’ve felt the weight of that impulsive decision ever since. ”

Xavier paused, shifting. “I derailed after that. I drank far too much and tried to shut out the world as best I could. I wanted to retreat into a dark hole and never come out. When you came back… I wanted to tell you everything. But you were already in love with Tristan. And I sure as hell couldn’t stay and pretend not to notice how you looked at him the way you used to look at me. ”

Rose bit the inside of her cheek, almost sorry she’d made him re-live the tale.

She felt the pent-up rage and sorrow building within him like a dam near its breaking point, filled by all he’d lost. And she feared that stagnant water was eroding him. One more nick and it’d burst. It was no wonder he’d shut everyone out.

“You should’ve told me how you really felt,” she said. “You should’ve let me make that choice for myself.”

“I know,” he said, eyeing her lips with desperation. “Believe me, I know.” He brushed her pearl-white hair back, caressing her cheek with his thumb. “But I thought I was doing what was best for you.”

Things could have been so different. If he would’ve just told her…

Her heart iced over.

“You’re a coward,” she said with wet eyes.

Remorse hit as soon as the words escaped her lips, but she couldn’t help it.

She’d spent years loving him.

Years .

Xavier’s eyes hardened, but he didn’t retreat. “I understand you’re angry. Trust me, no one is more angry than I am.” His eyes dipped to her lips again, then back to her eyes. “But I promise you, I’ll never do that again.” He leaned down, attempting to close the space between them.

Her guard sprang up.

“Xavier—”

“I love you,” he whispered as his forehead met hers.

“I love the way you crinkle your nose when you laugh, the way your large eyes grow even bigger when you apologize. The way you melt like putty when someone plays with your hair. The way your laugh lights up an entire room. The way your voice brings out emotions I didn’t even know I could feel.

” His voice was so tender, it shifted the very ground on which she stood, too lost in an icy storm to regain her footing.

Xavier lowered his lips closer to hers.

Her hand shot to his chest, trying to stop him. “No, Xavier, wait?—”

He didn’t listen, crushing his lips on hers.

His euphoria under her fingertips was indescribable, so powerful it was hard to tell if it was his happiness or her own. He kissed her as if he’d been starved of air, been deprived of every delectable thing. His hand cupped her jaw, tilting her head up, deepening the kiss, his lips consuming hers.

A pull of emotions ripped her in two—half nauseous with guilt, half desperate to explore him. Her siren rose underneath her skin, poised to slither into his mind—she fled the mist before she lost herself.

She ripped herself off him.

He looked as if his body and soul had existed apart in two different realms that had finally collided.

Xavier swore in a drunken whisper on her lips. “You’re telling me that’s what I’ve been missing?” He brushed her hair back, his eyes begging for more. He leaned to kiss her again.

“I shouldn’t have let you do that.” Rose tried to gain distance, but he kept her pinned.

“Why not?” he breathed, his lips nearly on hers again.

Her siren urged her to let him, ready to taste his fresh, cool breath again.

She beat it down until it relinquished control.

“Because I’m in love with someone else,” she revealed quickly, breaking the news.

“I don’t care,” he declared, as if the fact was no more than an insignificant nuisance. “I’m not letting you slip through my fingers again. Whoever it is will have to fight me for you.”

She hung her head down with guilt.

“Who?” he demanded.

She bit her lip, not knowing how to tell him. “You don’t want to know.”

Xavier gripped her jaw, forcing her to look at him. “Who?” he growled.

She forced her lips apart. “Roman,” she whispered.

He finally released her, taking two involuntary steps back. Not a single word left his lips as his mind processed the name she’d just uttered. He just stared at her, his face growing more vile by the second.

“That has to be a sick joke,” he managed to get out with a scowl.

“He was there for me, Xavier,” she said, pushing herself off the stable post she’d been pinned against. “When you left, when we said our goodbyes—it was the closure I needed to move on. I let you go, thinking you never intended to return. I was at my lowest after Tristan’s wedding, and Roman stepped in.

He helped me. When no one else was there, he was.

” Just talking about him made her miss him terribly.

Xavier’s jaw locked, the fire in his eyes dimming fast. “I see.” His gaze faltered to the ground, searching it.

A ferocious pain attacked her heart as her throat tightened; she was unable to swallow, to even breathe. It was excruciating—like poison surging its way into every vein. Savage and harrowing.

Not her pain.

His pain.

She gazed at him pitifully. “I couldn’t wait for a ghost forever.”

Xavier nodded slowly, not meeting her eyes. “He’s the best of all of us… He deserves someone like you.”

His pain did not yield. She couldn’t bear it.

“I tried to tell you,” she whispered lamely.

The mask she’d managed to melt hardened back into ice, sealing itself back into place just as fast as it had slipped off. “I should go,” he said, dangerously low, “be with my mother… How bad is she?”

Rose let the subject go, ignoring the muted ache that pulsed at her heart. “It’s not good,” she said, not bothering to sugarcoat it. He wouldn’t want that. “But she’ll be thrilled to see you.”

Xavier peered at the castle through the open doors in hesitation. His pause was so long she wondered if he was reconsidering.

“I could walk with you?” she offered.

She was sure he’d refuse, but to her surprise, he nodded.

She did her best to smother both their emotions as she said, “Come on, I’ll take you to her.”