Page 27 of The Therapist

It’s not just the violence but the detachment as well.

She doesn’t really seem to care about the kids the way he had always imagined a mother would, although what would he know?

His mother never protected him from his violent father.

But he does remember some good moments with her, moments when his father was out and she was not busy trying to save herself by putting Mike in between her and her violent husband, and he thinks she did love him.

She still loves him even though they speak so rarely, and she adores Felix and Lila, calls them ‘the babies’.

When he was a child, there was a way his mother used to look at him sometimes, used to stroke his hair and gaze down at him that made him understand she loved him.

He’s never seen Sandy look at their kids that way, and she touches them as little as possible.

Although when she talks about them to other people, she practically gushes her love for them.

Maybe she does love them; maybe he’s the problem because he has no real idea of what a mother’s love is really like.

The contradicting, questioning thoughts threaten to send him insane.

He always put it down to the fact that she wasn’t ready to be a mother when Felix was born but she seemed happy to be pregnant with Lila, seemed proud of her growing bump and the way people treated her.

But when the baby arrived, there was the same detachment.

She did all the right things, talked to the baby, smiled at the baby, but sometimes when he was watching her interact with Lila, it seemed to him that his being witness to her interaction was what mattered, rather than the interaction itself.

He’s never wanted to ask her about it or discuss it with anyone else.

He barely speaks to his mother, and Sandy’s mother is on the South Coast and sees the children even less than his mother does.

Mother and daughter seem to have little interest in each other. But maybe Sandy has gone there?

He pulls over to the side of the road and picks up his phone, scrolling through his contacts to find his mother-in-law, Maureen. He can’t recall ever having called her before but Sandy gave him her number years ago.

His stomach rumbles as he waits for Maureen to pick up and he regrets throwing out the sandwich.

‘Hello,’ she answers.

‘Hey, Maureen, it’s Mike,’ he says and then because she says nothing, he feels compelled to add, ‘Sandy’s husband.’

‘Oh right, of course, how are you? How are the children?’

‘Good, good, everyone is good but Sandy… Have you seen Sandy? I know she wanted a bit of time away so I thought she might be there.’

‘Here?’ Maureen replies and she seems surprised. ‘Sandy would never come here.’

‘Oh right, right… sorry.’

‘How long has she been gone?’

‘Only a day, but I haven’t heard from her so I was…worried.’

Maureen sighs. ‘She used to run away when she was a teenager. This was before she had a mobile phone. James and I used to be frantic. I think she liked…I think she enjoyed knowing we were fretting.’

‘Oh,’ says Mike, unsure how to respond to this. It explains a lot.

‘She once disappeared for three days. We were completely mad with worry. The police were called and there was a story on the news and then she just turned up and got angry with us for involving anyone.’

‘Oh, I didn’t know about that.’ Sandy has never told him this.

He knows that, like his, her childhood was difficult and he knows that he contemplated running away from home many times as he grew up.

But he would never have gone back and he would have understood if his worried mother had called the police.

What if she has done exactly the same thing now?

Maybe she gets some kind of kick out of it, out of knowing that people are concerned about her and searching for her?

Maureen pauses then starts speaking quite slowly, as if she is thinking about what to say or how to phrase it.

‘I’m sure there’s…lots…you don’t know about Sandy.

’ Another pause. ‘I mean I love my daughter but she has always had a very different way of looking at the world. Her father and I were probably too gentle with her.’

Mike thinks about Sandy’s story of being taught to swim, her father throwing her in the water.

That didn’t sound gentle. Was that a lie?

It could have been a lie. How much of what his wife has told him about her past is true?

He has always found the juxtaposition between what Sandy told him about her parents and the way they behave towards her now somewhat confusing.

When they come over, they seem fearful of upsetting her in any way, almost afraid to ask for so much as a cup of tea.

Has she just made a lot of stuff up? He wouldn’t put it past her.

She told her therapist he was a violent abuser. Lying doesn’t bother her at all.

‘Well, if she does turn up there…could you let me know?’

‘Absolutely, but she won’t. When she left to work in Sydney, she told me she would never return to our house to live. And we were so happy when she met you and got pregnant with Felix. You really helped her settle down.’

‘Right,’ says Mike, although he doubts that’s the truth. He didn’t help her settle down. He ‘trapped’ her as she likes to tell him.

‘We didn’t think she would find someone. She was so…difficult when she was a teenager’ – her voice softens – ‘almost cruel really.’ Mike can hear that Maureen has forgotten that she’s speaking to him. He clears his throat.

‘Listen to me going on about something silly,’ says Maureen, who has obviously realised what she said. ‘All teenagers are difficult. I’m sure Lila and Felix will challenge you as well. I’m sure Sandy is?—’

‘I know, I know,’ interrupts Mike. ‘I just wanted to check, but thanks, Maureen.’ He’s eager to be done with this conversation now.

There’s no way Sandy would have gone to her mother’s home and only a minute’s more thought would have made him realise this.

But he’s not really letting the rational part of his brain lead the way at the moment.

Sandy’s father is struggling with his health and being at home would have meant that Sandy was expected to help, something she deeply resented whenever her parents were around.

‘You know, Mike, we’ve always thought you were a good man, James and I,’ says Maureen.

‘Oh thanks…thanks.’ He has no idea what else to say.

‘And I know that you and Sandy have a bit of a…strained relationship and I wouldn’t say this to her but I feel like I could say it to you.’

‘Right.’ He sighs, regretting calling Maureen with his whole being.

‘You need to protect those children, both of you. Whatever goes on between the two of you, you shouldn’t let the children get hurt.’

And then she hangs up, leaving Mike open-mouthed. What the hell was that about? Maybe Sandy is there and she’s saying things about him?

He can’t think about this.

Right now, he needs to get the therapist to tell the police there’s nothing to worry about. He pulls back into the traffic. Sandy will turn up, full of smug smiles and explanations about needing a rest. He’s more convinced of this now.

As he parks near the therapist’s office, he can feel anxiety building inside him. The desire to turn around and go home is overwhelming. His phone is buzzing with texts and calls from work. Paul wants to know where he is. But he needs to speak to Lana above all.

If he could speak to her calmly without the kids interrupting, he can convince her of the truth about Sandy.

Maybe they can go to the police together and then the detective will back off.

Even if he can’t convince her of anything, he can find out exactly what Lana told the police so he knows how to counter everything she said when he speaks to them.

He will be reasonable and he will be logical and he will not let his temper get the better of him. He will talk, just talk. That’s all he needs to do. But will she even speak to him?

Sitting in his car, he cracks his knuckles as he wonders about exactly how he will get to Lana. He can’t force his way into her office. And the moment he turns up, she will probably call the police, and if Ben, Sandy’s old therapist, is there too, Mike will be shown the door very quickly.

Holding out very little hope, he calls the practice.

‘Calm Minds Clinic, this is Kirsty.’

‘Yeah, um, hi…um, my name is Don…Don Burns and I need to see a therapist. I mean I need to see someone as soon as I can…I…’

‘Okay, Mr Burns, I can send you one of our patient intake forms and once you’ve filled that out, I can see when Lana or Ben has their next available appointment. Do you have a preference for which of our psychologists you would like to see?’

‘Um, the woman but…you don’t understand, I need to see someone now, like today.’

‘Oh right, well, if this is an emergency I can give you the number of a mental health support line and they’ll help you find someone right now to help.’

‘No…it’s not an emergency.’ He sighs – this is so much harder than he thought it would be.

He really didn’t think this through. ‘I’m afraid that if I don’t see someone today, I’ll chicken out and never see someone.

I’ve been struggling with this for a long time and today…

I feel like today’s the day but… Look, don’t worry about it.

I probably shouldn’t talk to anyone anyway,’ he says, laying it on thick.

‘Okay…wait…look, I’m going to put you on hold for a minute,’ says the young woman. He knows she’s quite pretty with curly dark hair but he didn’t really pay much attention to her the first time he was at the practice. How much attention did she pay to him? Will she recognise him when he walks in?

What an idiot you are. This is the dumbest thing to try.

There’s no chance this is going to work. He should probably just turn around and go home. Maybe he can figure out where Lana lives and speak to her there. But that would be a weird stalker thing to do. Her turning up at his house was definitely a weird thing to do.

‘Mr Burns,’ says Kirsty, coming back on the line, and Mike holds his breath, knowing what she’s going to say.

‘Yup.’

‘Lana has just had a cancellation at two. It’s very unusual but if you could get here in time to fill out the form, that would be great and she can see you today.’

‘Thank you, thanks so much. I’ll get there as soon as I can,’ replies Mike and he feels like the universe has given him a high five.

He’s doing the right thing. Relief is warm inside him and he feels more positive than he has done for days.

He can even imagine that Sandy will be home soon and all this will be over.

He will walk in just before 2 p.m. so he doesn’t have time to fill out the form and so that if the receptionist recognises him, she may dismiss it as a coincidence, thinking he looks like someone who was there more than a week ago.

He will get to say his piece to Lana without interruption.

And he will quiz her on what she’s said to the detective.

He needs to speak to her alone.

That’s all he’s going to do –just speak to her.