Page 25 of The Spanish Daughter (The Lost Daughters #5)

24

PRESENT DAY

Rose burst into tears the moment Jessica opened the door, dropping her luggage to the ground as her friend enveloped her in a big hug, her arms tight around her.

‘I’m so sorry it didn’t work out,’ Jessica whispered. ‘But you’re here now, and that’s what matters.’

Rose swallowed and took a deep breath. She’d been determined not to become emotional, but seeing Jessica had brought everything back in a wave of sadness that suddenly seemed impossible to fight. ‘The girls are asleep?’ she asked, as she quickly wiped under her eyes. She didn’t need her goddaughters to see her in such a state.

‘They’re asleep, and Ryan’s watching TV in the bedroom, so it’s just us,’ Jessica said, taking her luggage into the house. ‘You’ve got nothing to worry about.’

Rose followed her, shutting the door behind her. She looked around, smiling at the familiarity of Jessica’s home. It had been a long time since she’d visited, but she saw it in the background of all their many calls, and she strangely felt as if she’d arrived home, in the way she guessed other people felt when they came back to a family home after a long absence. It was warm and inviting, with white walls and furniture that looked beautiful but not precious, as if the girls could build a pillow fort in the middle of the room and it wouldn’t matter. The only hint that Jessica and Ryan had spent a small fortune in furnishing their interior came from the exquisite artworks displayed on some of the walls—they’d collected art since before they were married.

‘I’m sorry for just turning up like this.’

‘I invited you, remember? The girls are going to be in heaven when they wake up and find you in the guest room. You’ve just made their weekend, and mine, too.’

Rose sat down at the kitchen table, running her hands across the rough edge of the wood and realising how much it reminded her of the big kitchen table at the house in Argentina. She distracted herself by reaching for a child’s painting, smiling at the colourful splodges and wondering what they were supposed to be, imagining what it would be like to have her own children and be surrounded by the kind of colourful mess that was such an integral part of her best friend’s life now.

‘A dinosaur, in case you weren’t sure,’ Jess said with a grin. ‘Now, hot chocolate or wine?’

‘Hot chocolate,’ Rose replied, letting go of the paper and watching as Jessica took two large white mugs down from the cupboard and started to scoop hot chocolate mix into them.

‘Thank goodness. I was hoping you weren’t going to say wine.’

When Jessica brought the steaming mugs to the table, she gratefully wrapped her fingers around the warm ceramic and inhaled the sweet smell of chocolate.

‘Rose, what happened?’ Jessica asked, holding up her own mug and blowing on it.

Rose took a sip, closing her eyes and seeing Benjamin standing outside the stables, the way he watched her as she loaded her bags into the taxi. He’d just blinked back at her, not even holding up a hand in a wave, their eyes meeting silently with so much left unsaid between them. Walking away from him and the property in Argentina had been one of the hardest things she’d ever done.

‘It sounded like you were having such a great time there, and Benjamin sounded, well, he sounded like just what you needed right now.’

‘We just, I don’t know.’ Rose sighed. ‘In the end, I felt like I was playing make-believe, like I was living someone else’s life.’ She glanced at the dinosaur picture again, feeling a tug in her heart that she couldn’t explain. ‘None of it was real, it was a fantasy or a holiday romance or whatever you want to call it, but it was never meant to be.’

‘You’ve been through more than most people could even imagine this past year, let alone cope with, but don’t tell yourself that what you had with Benjamin wasn’t real, because it was.’

She looked up at Jessica. ‘Then why do I feel like I just made a fool of myself? I never belonged in Argentina, but there was this little part of me that wanted to believe it was my new home, that it was the place I was supposed to end up. That after so much tragedy, that was supposed to be my happy ever after.’

‘Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t,’ Jessica said, sitting back in her chair and nursing her hot chocolate. ‘But don’t tell yourself that it was make-believe, because it wasn’t. Whatever you had with Benjamin was real for the time you were there. How did you leave things?’

Rose took a moment to gather her thoughts. She knew that Jessica was right, but it didn’t stop the way she was feeling. It was as if her life was one tragedy after another.

‘I left him the key to the house and told him that I wouldn’t sell the property for as long as he or his family had a connection to it,’ she said. ‘We went from living in a little bubble to everything just ending before I even knew what was happening.’

Jessica’s eyes softened. ‘You didn’t say goodbye?’

‘We had a big argument the night before. I told him I was leaving before he walked out the door, and then I got in a taxi and jumped on a plane the next day.’

Jessica was silent.

‘I was never going to live there, Jess. That’s what I mean about playing make-believe. I mean, was I supposed to uproot my entire life for another country just because I inherited a property and met a man? He was probably just being nice to me because he didn’t want me to sell it from under him.’

‘Don’t do that,’ Jessica said. ‘Don’t start pretending like he didn’t like you or that it wasn’t real. No matter whether you see him again or not, don’t taint the memories you have. And it sounds to me like you left without even giving him a chance.’ She frowned. ‘Would you have stayed if he wanted you to? If he’d asked you not to get on the plane?’

‘Maybe. No. Yes. I don’t know!’ Rose wiped at her eyes as fresh tears formed. ‘I don’t know what I want. I’m even more confused about what to do with my life than when…’ Her voice trailed away.

‘Than when your mum passed away?’ Jessica asked, gently.

Rose nodded, not trusting her voice. ‘Everything seems so hard,’ she whispered. ‘I was just starting to feel like myself again, and now…’ She didn’t even know what she was trying to say. ‘Everything is a mess. I don’t know what I want or what to do.’

‘So, tell me about Benjamin. Was he just a fling to you, or did you fall in love with him? How did things fall apart so spectacularly when you’d been having so much fun together?’

‘At the time he felt like the best thing that had ever happened to me,’ she admitted. ‘But when it came to it, he didn’t even ask me not to go, he just left.’

Jessica’s eyes never left hers. ‘Meaning?’

‘Meaning that I wanted him to stop me from walking away and say something that made it impossible to leave, to make me believe that we were more than just a holiday romance,’ she said. ‘I wanted him to tell me that home was wherever he was, or something, to stop me from leaving. I just wanted him to want me.’

Jessica sighed, and when Rose looked at her she could see that her friend was biting down hard on her bottom lip to stop from laughing.

‘Jess!’ she cried. ‘I’m pouring my heart out to you, and you’re laughing?’

‘I’m sorry, it’s just that you’re expecting too much,’ she said. ‘You’re talking about a man who works with horses all day and has probably never said anything so ridiculously romantic to anyone in his life before. Men don’t beg women to stay, not in real life, and when I told you to start looking for signs, I didn’t mean anything quite that dramatic.’

‘I bet Ryan would beg you to stay.’

Jessica snorted. ‘Of course he would, because he’d be terrified of being left alone with the girls.’ She smiled. ‘But seriously, Rose, it sounds very much like this man showed you how much he cared for you, in his own way, while you were there, and instead of seeing that, or just understanding that you’d hit a bump in the road, you wanted him to deliver lines like he’s in a romantic comedy.’

Rose looked up at her. Why was Jess always right? Now that she’d said it out loud, she could hear how ridiculous she sounded.

‘As far as I can tell, you told him that Argentina wasn’t your home, you left him the key and then you were gone. You didn’t give him a choice.’

She nodded. ‘That’s a very simplified version, but in a nutshell, yes.’

‘And despite pushing him away and telling him that you had no intention of relocating to Argentina, you’re waiting for him to make some big romantic gesture?’

Rose sighed. ‘You’re right. I know you’re right. I just…’

‘Wanted to know that your feelings were valid?’ Jessica asked, gently.

‘That he was prepared to fight for me,’ Rose said. ‘If I’m honest, that’s what I wanted. I wanted him to demand that I stay, to tell me not to leave. I wanted him to give me a reason to uproot my life, to believe that what we had was more than a holiday fling.’

‘And he probably wanted nothing more than for you to want to stay,’ Jessica said. ‘It sounds to me as if he let you go because that’s what he thought you wanted, because you told him that your life was somewhere else. He needed to believe that you could see yourself making a life in Argentina.’

‘You truly think so?’ Rose asked.

‘Think so?’ Jessica asked. ‘I know so!’

Rose finished her hot chocolate, staring into the bottom of the mug and trying to figure out if she felt better or worse for having poured her heart out.

‘Come on, let’s go to bed. Everything always feels better in the morning.’

When Jessica rose and leaned over to take her mug, Rose placed her hand over hers. ‘Thank you.’

‘You’re very welcome,’ Jessica said. ‘That’s what I’m here for.’

‘You’re right about everything always feeling better in the morning. I just need a good night’s sleep.’

‘Rose?’

She turned back.

‘Did you solve the mystery of your great-grandmother in the end? You never did tell me if you’d figured everything out.’

‘I feel like I discovered the woman she was, but I still have as many questions as I have answers. She was a pretty special woman from what I could gather, though, and I feel like one day more of her story will unravel, or at least I hope so.’

Rose picked up her suitcase in one hand and her bag in the other, and she followed after Jessica, who was turning off the lights as she went. At the door to the guest room, she said goodnight and closed the door behind her, finding her pyjamas and quickly changing, before slipping back out into the hallway to the bathroom so she could clean her teeth.

The bathroom was as stylish as the rest of the house, with white subway tiles on the walls and black taps, but it was the brightly coloured bath toys scattered in the big oval tub that made Rose smile, and the Barbie toothbrushes displayed on the edge of the sink.

It was what scared her most about going back to London, to the quiet of her flat. This house was so clearly loved and lived-in; whereas hers was as empty as when she’d left it. Not to mention that she’d have to face all her mother’s things.

‘Rosie?’

The little voice took her by surprise, and Rose turned and found Jessica’s daughter, Serena, standing in the doorway, her blonde hair a tousled mess around her head, her eyes squinting as she rubbed them with her fist.

‘Hey, beautiful girl,’ she whispered, bending down to hug her. ‘I was supposed to be your surprise for the morning.’

Serena’s little arms were tight around her, and Rose kissed the top of her head, inhaling the coconut smell of her shampoo.

‘Can you come back to bed with me? I had a scary dream.’

Rose smiled. She’d never been so happy to be asked to do something in her entire life.

‘Of course, sweetheart. Snuggles with you are exactly what I need tonight.’

Rose woke in the morning to a little face squished into hers, and warm breath telling her that someone was already awake and trying to compel her to wake up, too.

‘Grrr,’ she pretend-growled. ‘It’s still sleep time.’

‘It’s six o’clock, Rosie!’ Serena said, sounding as if she’d never been so wide awake. ‘Maisy, come look who I found!’

But it was Jessica who came running into the bedroom first. ‘Oh no, she already woke you up? I’m so sorry.’

‘Let’s just say she found me in the night,’ Rose said, hauling herself up. ‘But it was nice. She cuddled me like I was her soft toy and put me straight to sleep. I don’t think I would have slept a wink without her.’

‘Morning, Rose,’ Ryan called out from the hallway, and she saw that he was in his robe and carrying Maisy on his hip.

‘Geez, this is what time people with kids get up? I don’t know how you do it.’

Jessica groaned. ‘This is why I don’t drink anymore. The hangovers just aren’t worth it.’

They both laughed, and Rose bent down to scoop Maisy up when she ran towards her, launching into her arms.

‘You guys go back to bed,’ she said. ‘Enjoy a Saturday lie-in and I’ll take the girls.’

Jessica didn’t look convinced. ‘You’re sure? They can be a handful.’

‘I’m sure. What do you say, girls? We leave Mummy and Daddy for a bit, and we can make chocolate-chip pancakes and then walk down to the park. Are there any good swings there?’

The girls began chatting animatedly about all the things they could do, and Ryan mouthed ‘thank you’ and disappeared back into the main bedroom, clearly not needing to be convinced. Jessica still looked torn, though, as if the offer were too good to be true.

‘I promise I’ll look after them,’ Rose said. ‘Just go and relax.’

‘That’s not what I’m worried about,’ she said. ‘They?—’

‘Are a handful. I know, you’ve warned me already.’ Rose laughed. ‘But don’t worry. I love their sticky little fingers and belly laughs, it’s what I need right now. In fact, I couldn’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday morning, honestly.’

Jessica slowly began to nod. ‘Okay, well, if you’re sure…’

‘She’s sure!’ Ryan called out from the bedroom.

The girls ran to their mum and Jessica kissed them and made them promise to be on their best behaviour as they ran off down the hallway to the kitchen.

‘Have you heard from him?’ Jessica asked in a low voice.

Rose shook her head.

‘You could always call or text him, you know, and tell him how you feel.’

Rose nodded and touched Jessica’s shoulder on the way past, before calling out to the girls.

‘Chocolate-chip pancakes, here I come!’

Rose sat in bed that night, her phone resting in the palm of her hand as she stared down at his name. Just text him and tell him how you feel . Jessica had said the words as if they were so easy, and yet Rose had been holding her phone for at least ten minutes trying to decide what to type.

She lifted her thumb, hovering over the keys for a moment before finally typing.

I miss you.

Rose pressed send and stared at the message she’d just sent. She shut her eyes for a beat and when she opened them, she saw three little bubbles on the screen. He’s typing back . But as quickly as the bubbles had appeared, they disappeared, leaving her staring at her own message again. It happened twice more as she sat there, until they finally disappeared and never reappeared again.

It’s over . She put her phone on the bedside table and snuggled down under the covers, thankful for Jessica’s ludicrously comfy bed. Tomorrow she would book her flight back to London, and then she would enjoy every day with the girls and Jessica, exploring New York and being part of their lives. Then it was time to return to reality, and see if her old firm would have her back.

When Rose awoke, she stretched and blinked at the light streaming through the white linen curtains. She’d forgotten to close them fully the night before, and as much as she would have preferred to pull the covers over her head and pretend she wasn’t awake, she was. The house was quiet, and she reached for her phone, deciding to lie quietly in bed and read the news until the girls were up.

Her phone showed a new message and she clicked on it, at the same time as propping her pillows up behind her. When she sank back into them, she looked at the screen again.

The text was from Benjamin.

I miss you, too.

Followed by: I wish you were still here.

Rose felt as if her heart had stopped beating as she reread his messages. He’d replied hours after she’d sent hers, and the second message had only been sent a few hours ago. And she knew then that if she’d been waiting for a sign or some big romantic gesture, then this was it.

She’d been so scared that what they had wasn’t real, that he didn’t care enough to stop her from leaving, when in reality they’d had a fight. An argument that could have been resolved by an honest discussion about how she was feeling. He’d been hurt and so had she, but she could see now that they’d both overreacted.

Rose typed back before she lost her nerve.

I wish I was still there, too.

She didn’t have to wait for a reply this time.

Then come home.

Home . The word terrified Rose. Because she no longer knew where home was, and the more she’d had time to think about it, the more she realised that home had been wherever her mum was, wherever her family were, and that she no longer had anyone to go back to. Maybe Argentina could be home .

Rose decided to stop overthinking everything as a pool of excitement spread across her belly, and she opened a new browser on her phone and looked up flights, finding one departing New York for Buenos Aires in just over four hours. With traffic and security at the airport it might be a stretch, but Rose knew that if she didn’t go now, she might lose her nerve completely.

She jumped out of bed, plugged her phone in to charge and quickly packed her things, tying her hair into a high topknot and pulling on sweatpants and a comfy jumper. She could get changed into something nicer later—right now, she had a plane to catch.

Rose checked she had everything, put her phone in her bag and opened the door, looking back at the elegant room she’d been staying in and knowing how lucky she’d been to have Jessica’s house as her refuge when she’d needed it. Maybe I have more than one home now. Maybe I don’t have to choose .

‘Where are you sneaking off to?’

Jessica’s voice took her by surprise, and Rose found her standing in the hallway with a coffee in hand.

‘What are you doing up so early?’ she asked.

‘Catching up on emails before the girls wake up.’ Jessica looked her up and down. ‘You’re leaving?’

‘He texted me back,’ Rose said.

Jessica’s face broke into a smile and she held out her cup so Rose could have a slurp of her coffee.

‘Then what are you waiting for. Go!’

Rose hesitated, taking another sip of coffee before passing it back to her. ‘I’m not being crazy and impulsive?’

‘You most certainly are. And given that you’ve never been either of those things in your life before, I think that’s the universe telling you this is exactly what you should be doing.’

Rose was so nervous she felt she might actually be sick, but Jessica was right. She was going back to Argentina, and she’d never felt so alive and excited in her life before.

‘Tell the girls I love them and I’ll see them again soon.’

‘You know I will. I love you, Rose.’

Rose threw her arms around her friend, coming dangerously close to sloshing coffee all over her. ‘I love you, too.’