Page 9

I crack open the apple juice and pass it over to Orion. He smiles at me and we move to the couch. It's a large sofa, a sectional, well used over the past years. I take a deep breath when he isn't looking at me. I'm worried about today, hoping that it goes well. I've had friends over, with their partners. Most of the time, they're here in their big headspace, but even so it doesn't mean they don't enjoy an apple juice or a fun board game. I also never minded having the TV playing whatever show or movie or them bringing toys over.

Riley trots down the steps and hops up in his usual spot. Orion looks up at me and we share another smile. I grab the remote from the side table and hesitate for a second where to sit. Orion is on the middle cushion and I go for the corner where the two sides meet. I unfurl the blanket and glance over at Orion.

"The blanket is big enough for us to share like this," I say, testing the waters. "But you can also cuddle if you want."

"Okay." He sounds just as nervous as I feel. We were just naked upstairs, but this is a whole new level. It's new for both of us. I'm used to taking charge, to demanding things from my Boys. With Orion, though, I'm treading lightly. I don't know how he's going to react. I have to remind myself that I'm not sure how I'm going to react either. It'll be a learning curve.

I pull up the movie on one of the streaming platforms and queue it up. I lift my arm when Orion scoots one cushion over and moves under the blanket to lay against my side. We adjust slightly so we're laying with our feet on either side of the sectional. Orion is on his side, smushed partly between my body and the couch and also half laying on me. His whole body does a cute, little wiggle when the movie starts.

"I love this movie," he whispers. I maneuver my phone out of my sweat's pocket and pull up the house app that controls all of the lights. There are no windows in the basement so when I dim the lights, it gives the whole place a movie theatre feel. "Oh this is amazing, Daddy."

Daddy.

I love hearing him call me that. I'm no stranger to being called Daddy, but the way his tone is so soft and trusting. It's a different feeling that courses through my body, more than just heat and desire. It's pride and caring.

We make it halfway through the first movie when Orion says he has to use the bathroom. I direct him to the door on the other side of the pool table. It's only a half bath down here, but it's rather spacious.

"Did you wash your hands?" I ask when he comes back to the couch.

"Yes." He rolls his eyes at me and I want to kiss the sarcastic expression off his face. He doesn't hesitate for a second to curl back up where he was against my side and we resume the movie. Despite remembering him promising to not ruin the movie, he whispers 'Oh, I love this part' every couple of minutes. It's adorable and I'm not sure he even knows he's doing it.

I do get into the movie. Everyone knows about Ninja Turtles, but I don't know how I missed the live action versions. They're good and I can see why Orion likes them. At one point, toward the end, he decides to sit up beside me and the movement catches Riley's attention.

"Come here, Ri." Orion says in a happy tone, almost sing-song like. Riley walks right over me to snuggle in the space between us and lays his head on Orion's lap. Orion, sitting criss cross on the cushion, rests his hand just behind Riley's front leg and continuously rubs him. I know that my dog is in heaven for the remaining twenty minutes of the film. I'm so grateful that Riley and Orion took to each other so easily. Riley is a great dog and he's trained to behave, but with all the cuddles and the way he looks up at Orion with those big, blue eyes shows me how much he trusts the new person in our home.

When the credits start rolling, I look over at Orion. I do fully plan for us to watch the second movie, but I need to use the bathroom myself and grab a snack. "I'll be right back," I announce. I turn the lights back on and stand up. Orion and Riley don't move. "Do you want a snack or anything?"

"Oh, um." I can see that he's fighting to answer truthfully. I backtrack my steps and squat down in front of him, resting my hands on his knees.

"You don't have to hesitate to ever ask for what you need or want here, okay? If you want to come upstairs with me, you can look in the cabinets and pick something. If there is something that you like and I don't have it, let me know and I'll make sure it's here for next time."

I know his instinct is to refute, but I keep my eyes locked on him to convey I'm serious. After a moment, he nods and I help him stand up. We go back up to the kitchen and I show him where all the snack foods are. I don't keep a lot of food in the house, since it's just me, but I enjoy my snacks. We decide to make a bowl of popcorn and split it between the two of us.

Orion is standing to the side of the island, his hands one on top of the other, as I dump the bag into a bright yellow bowl.

"Orion?" He looks up at me, like I pulled him from a deep train of thoughts. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he says. His shoulders drop and he shifts his weight to his other foot. "Am I doing this whole thing right?"

I leave the bowl on the counter and walk over to stand in front of him. His eyes are wide and I can see the uncertainty on his face. My hands come up and cup his jaw. "There is no right or wrong, Orion. As long as you're comfortable. The only thing you need to worry about is having fun and relaxing."

"I am having fun," he says with a small smile. "I just want to make sure that you're—"

"I promise you that I'm enjoying myself just as much," I interrupt him. I don't want him going down that rabbit hole of worrying so much it takes away from enjoying the moment. "Do you want to watch the second movie or do something else?"

His eyes flick to the basement door before looking back at me. "I actually really do want to watch it. The second one is better than the first."

"Then we'll watch it." I drop my hands, but give him a quick kiss. Kissing Orion is addictive. His lips are so soft. "Now, do you need to potty before we start the next one?"

"Nope." He smiles with all his teeth. "But you do. You said so."

"I do," I agree. "Go ahead back downstairs and get the movie ready, okay? I'll be right there."

I walk down the hallway and do my business in the bathroom attached to the front room. It's technically a bedroom, but I have it as an office and library. My book collection isn't extensive, I'm not much of a reader, but I've accumulated some things. I grab my phone and send a text to Remington on my way down to the basement.

Garrett

Are you free for lunch tomorrow?

I don't wait for a response and set my phone down on the table by the couch. It's already almost three in the afternoon and I'm not sure when Orion wants to go home. I'd love for him to stay again, since tomorrow is Sunday. We could have another day together, but I'll respect whatever he decides. Orion smiles at me and lifts the blanket up. I spot that he has a fresh bottle of apple juice on the shelf behind the couch.

I stretch my legs out along the shorter end of the sectional while Orion tucks his legs up beside him. Riley takes the opportunity to curl up against him. I look over at Orion and smile. He leans forward and kisses me before hitting play on the movie. We snack on the popcorn for the first quarter of the movie. I'm getting into the storyline easily and enjoy listening to Orion point out the small details that I wouldn't have caught watching on my own.

"Gar- I mean, Daddy?" Orion doesn't pause the movie, but lowers the volume a bit.

"What is it, honey?" I don't know where the pet name 'honey' came from. It slipped out that first night at the club and the way he involuntarily smiles every time I call him that has me defaulting to it.

"Can we change what we're doing?" he asks. I prop myself up straighter and look at him. I thought he was enjoying himself.

"Do you want to stop?" I ask. I search his whole expression, trying to figure out what he's thinking. "It's okay if this isn't working for you."

"No, that's not it." He answers quickly. He lays a hand on my leg, over the blanket. "I'm really enjoying myself. I just— My brain feels like it needs something else."

I can see he's struggling to put words to his own feelings. I'm a bit out of my depth here, but I know that whatever he wants to try, I'll be right here. "Can you explain what you mean?"

When he looks at me again, he has tears in the corners of his eyes. I want to pull him into me and hold him, but I need to know what he wants, or needs, first. So instead of pulling him in for a hug, I grab his hand in both of mine and squeeze lightly. "Baby, talk to me."

"I want to let go," he says as the first tear falls. "I'm tired of being big and thinking."

"You don't have to be big," I say. "That's what today is for. You can turn that brain off and let Daddy take care of you."

"But are you okay if I'm not…"

"I'm okay with anything that feels right to you," I say when he doesn’t continue. I move one hand to wrap around the back of his neck and massage gently. I can feel the tension in his muscles. Tears are still falling one-by-one. "Do you need me to do anything for you while you're in that headspace?"

I can see a change in him already. His eyes are red rimmed, but he seems to be relaxing now. Hopefully it's my words breaking away at whatever worry is in his mind. "I don't know."

"Orion, I need to know what you expect. Do you want to play any games or cuddle, need help eating or using the bathroom?" I've done my research and I've talked with my friends over the years. I kind of know what happens when their partners regress. It's a different level of caring for them, more than just being called Daddy or Mommy.

"I just want to cuddle and… I don't want to make a mess."

"Okay. I'll remind you in a little bit to go use the potty. As far as cuddling, I can definitely help with that." I move the popcorn bucket to the shelf so Riley can't get it. Orion reaches up and grabs his apple juice before climbing into my lap and curling up. It's more than our cuddling earlier and having the full weight of a grown man on top of me, being so vulnerable, is quite addicting. He hands me the remote and we settle back down for the rest of the movie. I card my fingers through his hair, run my hand up and down his back. He doesn't utter another word for the last hour, but I know he isn't sleeping. His fingers are rubbing the corner of the blanket and he takes sips of his juice periodically until it's empty.

I take the bottle and put it up on the shelf. He tilts his head back to look at me and smiles softly. I can see the fading streaks down his cheeks where the tears fell. I swipe a thumb over one cheek and his eyes flutter, but he doesn't say anything. I don't push him to, either. We finish out the movie just before five o'clock. I'm not too hungry, since our breakfast was at lunch time. My phone is too far away to turn the lights back up, but the glow of the TV is bright enough to see his face.

"Do you want to go upstairs and I'll make us some dinner?" I brush my hand through his hair once more. He smiles and closes his eyes briefly, leaning into my touch. I wish I had something for him to play with while I cook. I also don’t want him to leave yet and I try to play that off by asking another question. "I don't have any toys here, but we could go to the store and get some stuff if you feel like it?"

I know there's a shop that Remington gets most of his things from. I haven't been in there but once before, with Rachel. I'll have to get the name of the place from him, but right now we need to eat. I don't want to pull him out of whatever headspace he's in. I'm not too sure what that is, either.

"Dinner," he says simply. I smile and lean forward to kiss his cheek. I don't want to push a line and kiss his lips when he's in this headspace. The pout on his face is adorable though and he holds my head in his hands and presses his mouth against mine in a sloppy kiss. He breaks the contact when I start laughing.

"No kisses on the cheek, got it."

We stand and head up the stairs. Orion takes my hand in his and I go up first. Riley is trailing us. I situate Orion in one of the chairs at the island before letting Riley out to use the bathroom. The sky is cloudy, but I don't think we'll get any rain or snow. I can't wait for the Spring time when all the trees will start blooming again. Looking over the yard for a minute, I picture toys and things that Orion could use. Maybe a swing set or sandbox. Or both.

"Do you know what you would like to eat?" I ask. I look over my shoulder at him and watch his movements. He's watching me, but his head is tilting back and forth, like he has a song or something stuck in his head. "Orion?"

His eyes focus on me and he smiles. "Yes, Daddy?"

"What would you like to eat?" I continue to rummage around the cabinet shelves to find something. I know I have chicken and turkey in the fridge, but the sides can be anything between potatoes to pasta.

I bend down to check the lowest shelf, where I store mostly canned goods. I spot something I definitely didn't put there and pull it out. It's a bottle. I don't remember who put it there, but I catch Orion's expression out of the corner of my eye. His eyes go wide and he sits up just a bit straighter. I turn around and hold it up. It had to be from one of my friends, because I know that my sister's kid is five and I don't leave food in my cabinets for that long without noticing.

"Do you want to use this?" I ask. He looks almost sheepish and doesn't answer me at first. I step closer, putting the bottle between my hands on the countertop. "Honey, do you want some milk in a bottle?"

He nods his head yes finally. I open it up and take a step to the left to clean it out. I'm making a list in my head of things that he might enjoy having around the house. Bottles, maybe pacifiers. I wonder if this is going to be his usual regression or if he'd like sippy cups or something similar. I move to the fridge and grab the milk, filling the container halfway. I slide the bottle to him and he takes it in his hands, twirling it around but not drinking from it.

"Do you want Daddy to feed you?" I ask, going out on a limb to guess what he's thinking.

"Please?" He asks the one word so innocently, almost omitting the L in the word. Peas. It's cute. I close the cabinet doors— dinner can wait— and help him down from the chair. He takes my hand once more and we move to the couch. I leave him standing there for just a moment while I let Riley back in and put some kibble in his dog bowl for him.

"Sorry, baby. I'm back." I grab the throw blanket off the back of the couch and sit down with one arm propped up against the arm rest. Orion lays down on my lap, his eyes locked on mine. I put the blanket over him, making sure to cover his bare chest and stomach. I brush the nipple of the bottle against his lips, a drop of milk sliding down his chin. I wipe it with the blanket and then finally get him to open up. "Good boy, Orion."

He sucks on the bottle while holding eye contact with me. I watch, mesmerized, as his cheeks suck in and relax repeatedly. I never thought, in all my years, I'd be doing something like this, much less enjoying it. Orion's left hand is wrapped around my forearm that's holding the bottle, his right is again fumbling the blanket between his fingers. I'll definitely have to get him his own blanket. It takes him almost twenty minutes to drink the milk and when he's done, I sit him up in my lap and rub circles over his back.

"Do you feel better?" I ask. He nods and lays his head on my shoulder. I can feel the brush of his beard against my neck. He doesn't say anything and I have a feeling that this might be a normal for him. I don't mind it, though. He is telling me everything with the small touches. We'll have to talk and make sure specific boundaries are set before the next time, though.