Page 42

TOBI

The Substitute

T he wind burns my face as I stare out over the East River. I don’t know how long I’ve sat out here since I left my phone in my room, but the sun dips behind the skyscrapers, turning the clouds pink, purple, and orange. It’s beautiful but I don’t enjoy it. It feels like a beautiful tragedy.

If only I could plunge into nothingness and have people stop and stare in wonder at the beauty splashed across the scene.

Can death be beautiful?

Flowers bloom only to shrivel and wither and fall apart.

Does knowing death is following make the beauty less?

But I’m not a flower.

Doesn’t matter if I’m in full bloom or wasting away, no one notices. No one cares. I’m just here. In the background of other people’s lives. Never anyone’s first choice. Taking up space and oxygen. It’s heavy on my chest like it’s trying to suffocate me. Why can’t I just end it all? I’m so tired of fighting.

I’m tired of being alone.

Excluded.

How can I live in one of the most populated cities in the US yet be completely isolated? Millions of people live in this city but I’m a ghost moving through the streets. No one sees me. They never have.

If I climbed this railing and jumped, no one would stop me. People would miss me, but then they’d forget about me. And it would make everyone’s life easier. And honestly, what’s the point? Why am I still living in the shadows?

My best friend that I’ve been in love with for years, the one person I had that was mine, is in love with my dumbass brother.

All I needed was another confirmation that my brother is more lovable than me. Rhys was the only person I had left. The only one that didn’t fawn over the big dumb hockey player. I’ve been in his shadow my entire life. Lost everyone to him. And he doesn’t even see it. No one stops what they're doing with him to talk to me, yet the reverse happens all the time.

Isn’t the youngest supposed to be everyone’s favorite? Apparently it’s the brainless dolt. The smart kid who isn’t into blood thirsty sports but does like science gets tossed to the back and forgotten.

No one worries about me.

No one checks in on me.

No one cares.

They never have.

Cold seeps into my bones as I lean against the metal railing. How long would it take for someone to realize I was gone?

Days?

Weeks?

Does it matter?

Not like I have anyone to miss me. Teddy and Rhys are awkward and don’t want to see me. I’m just their third fucking wheel now. Not that I want to see them either but why am I never worth fighting for?

What is wrong with me?

Why am I unloveable?

What did I do?

Mom and Dad barely realize I’m there. I don’t have anything else. I have nothing. Everyone would be better off with me out of the way.

Invisible.

Unwanted.

Unlovable.

A knot forms in the back of my throat and I hate myself for caring. I’m so weak. So needy. No one wants to be around me. I can’t blame them, I don’t want to be around me either.

I don’t want to feel this anymore. I don’t want to exist anymore.

Lifting myself up on the railing, I swing one leg over then the other, sitting on the top of the barrier, and I let the tears I’ve been holding in fall. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t?—

“Hey.”

I startle at the man’s voice that carries on the wind. Turning toward the sound, I can barely see him through the pain pouring from my heart down my cheeks.

“That’s a terrible idea,” he says.

“Wh-why?” I barely manage to get the word out through my sobs. Nerves tingle through me, down to my toes and finger tips. Is it anticipation or fear? I don’t know. I just want it all to stop. I don’t want to be broken anymore.

“I mean, do you want the real fucking answer, or the bullshit one?”

I twist a little to look at him.

He shrugs. “Least I’m asking. I coulda just bull shitted you.”

I roll my eyes, but maybe he’s right. I want the real answer. “Real.”

“You probably won’t die and that shit is way worse than whatever you’re going through.”

I don’t want to believe him, but it sinks in a little. “How do you know it’s worse?”

“You don’t think losing agency is worse? Then you’re stuck in your fuck’n head and can’t do a damn thing about it.” He approaches me slowly and leans against the railing like I was a minute ago, looking over the dark water.

“You don’t c-care.” I wipe my sleeve across my face and look down at the slithering blackness glinting in the lights. “N-no one does.”

“I do care.” He slides a little closer so we’re almost touching.

“No you don’t! You’re trying to be a good person but tomorrow or next week or a year from now, you won’t remember me. Just fuck off and leave me alone!” I’m screaming at him. Completely out of control of my emotions while I grapple with the fact that I wasn’t even worth telling the truth too. They lied to my face. Betrayed my trust. For weeks. My brother and my best friend thought so little of me they didn’t bother to think about how I would feel in any of it.

I’m breathing too fast, the ragged air ripping at my throat as I scream into the dark.

“You’re wrong.” The guy says turning to face me. “I’ve thought about jumping too. I’ve been in that same spot you are, with one foot hanging over the water.” His tone makes me believe him. “I’m just doing what I wish someone woulda done for me.”

I spin on him, shoving my face into his as I seethe my words through clenched teeth. “You know how it feels to be invisible? To have no one give a fuck about what happens to you or why? For the man you’ve loved since middle school to start fucking your brother and lie to your face about it for weeks? You know how that is?!”

I’m so close to him that I can see the warm brown of his eyes with flecks of yellow and green around the pupil. They’re beautiful. I’m glad I got to see them before?—

He cups my face and it surprises me, making me jump back. In the blink of an eye, I’m falling.

My butt slips off the rail and I’m grappling for something to hold onto while the bottom of my stomach drops on a scream.

For a split second I know I’m going to die and I didn’t even get to make the choice.

But I don’t want to end. I just want to stop being invisible.

An arm bands around me like steel, and I desperately cling to the man saving me. My heart is pounding as I beg him to help me. In the longest and fastest second of my life as I’m pulled over the wall and fall onto him. My stomach turns, emptying the small amount of food I’ve had today onto the walkway while I tremble so badly, I can’t hold myself up.

The man who saved me, slides to a seat with his back against the rail next to me, rubbing my back and saying things like “you’re okay”.

I pull my knees into my chest and drop my head, sobbing. Every part of my body shaking in a way I’ve never felt before.

I’m too weak to even do this.

He wraps me up in a hug, pulling me into his warm chest. I curl up in his lap like a child, clinging to his offered comfort. My pain soaks into his shirt but he doesn’t seem to care. He’s wrapped his entire body around mine as if he can keep me together by sheer determination and force of will. This sweet man doesn’t know I’m not worth the effort.

“You’re okay. I’ve got you.” He repeats these words and rocks me while the cracks in my soul bleed out. How am I not dying of blood loss? Nothing will ever be okay ever again. I’m not even brave enough to end it all.

My eyes itch and my throat is raw when the trembling finally settles and his hold relaxes, he settles against the wall still wrapped around me.

He’s cupped my head to his chest where I can hear his heart beating and his slow breathing.

“I know how it feels when your brain is lying to you and telling you no one cares.” His voice is quiet and rumbles against my cheek. “I know how it feels to think that life is nothing but pain and suffering. I know how it feels to question what the damn point of life is.” Pain is etched into his tone by the time he’s said the last word and there’s something about it that calls to me. My stupid fucking heart, ever hopeful. “But I promise there’s beauty in life too.”

“What was your reason?” I whisper, almost afraid of his answer.

“My reason for what?”

“Your reason to stay.”

“I didn’t have one. But something held me back. Over and fucking over when I tried, there was something telling me I had something to do. Like a damn itch in my brain because I forgot to do something.” His thumb brushes my cheek.

“Did you ever figure out what it was?”

“I think it was you.”