Page 28

TWENTY-EIGHT

TEDDY

W e’ve been having a rough streak. We seem to lose every other damn game and it’s killing our moral. So, it’s a teammate bonding night. I would much rather be chasing orgasms with a different hockey player but…here we are.

“Sorry cuddle snake, not tonight, buddy.” I pat my sad dick and sigh into my beer.

“What the fuck is a cuddle snake?”

I turn to find Osha and Lancelot looking confused.

“Why do people keep asking me that?”

“Who else has asked?” Lancelot asks.

“My boy—guy bro.” Shit. I don’t know if these guys know I’m a man fan. I haven’t heard any homophobic stuff in the locker room that I know of. But they also use the y word so…

Osha chokes on his beer and coughs. “That was real convincing. You wanna try that again?”

Uh. No. I do not.

Has Rhys told anyone on his team he has a boyfriend? I should probably ask before I just say that.

“Hold.” I grab my phone and pull up his chat.

My Glory Hole: 4 no reason at all have u told n e 1 on ur team u have a bf

Breeder: A best friend? Sure. They know about Tobi.

I must have a look on my face that I can’t feel because Lancelot laughs. “Not going well? Trouble in paradise with your boy, bro guy?”

“Boy guy bro, get it right.” Osha corrects.

“My bad.” Lancelot rolls his eyes.

“Fuck off. Maybe I’m sending dick pics to your mom.”

“With a face like that, the reaction wasn’t good,” Osha replies.

I flip him the bird and get back to my text.

My Glory Hole: not tobi. me

Breeder: Oh, have I told anyone on the team I enjoy breeding my very sexy goalie?

I smile because yes.

My Glory Hole: clearly

Breeder: Yes, I have. Apparently, you went to camp a few years ago with Cox.

My Glory Hole: theres lots of cocks at camp usually

Breeder: Why are you asking? Is someone giving you shit?

My Glory Hole: nah i think there cool but didn’t want 2 say something if u hadnt

Breeder: You’re adorable. As long as you think they’ll be okay with it and you’re ready to tell them, go for it.

“I have a boyfriend.” I look between my teammates, who are kind of blurry, if I’m being honest.

“Cool. Me too,” Osha lifts his beer to cheers me.

“Fuck yeah. Boyfriend bros.”

Lancelot lifts his cup too. “I don’t have a boyfriend but I’m not opposed.” He shrugs, but even drunk, I can tell he’s trying not to be awkward about it. “Still figuring it out, you know?”

“Aww so precious.” Osha pats Lancelot’s cheek.

“Fuck off.” Lancelot shoves Osha, who stumbles into a table. “Why do they call you Osha, by the way? It has nothing to do with your actual name.”

He gets a devilish smile on his face and wags his eyebrows. “Because I am a walking OSHA violation.”

Lancelot looks at him for a second, like he’s thinking really hard. “Did you ever go to camp in Montreal?”

A huge, shit eating grin takes over his face now. “Why yes, yes I did.”

“So it was you who stole the Zamboni and drove it out onto a frozen lake?”

“First of all, it was a pond so it was frozen solid, and yes.”

Me and Lancelot start laughing while Osha stands there with pride.

“That was one of my finer moments. I did get kicked out of camp though, because my roommate tattled on me.” He shrugs. “I also tend to climb the boards. It was written into my contract here that I don’t do it.”

Osha is about as big as I am, known for being a bruiser, and quick to start fights. I like him.

My phone buzzes in my hand and I turn to look at it.

Breeder: Owen keeps messaging me. Has Colin or Isaac said anything to you?

Breeder: It kinda feels like they are trying to double team us.

My Glory Hole: they better not b double teaming us! we r only fucking each other. ‘member?

Breeder: Like on the ice, not in bed.

My Glory Hole: do u want me 2 talk 2 them

Breeder: Absolutely not.

My Glory Hole: y

Breeder: You’re drunk.

My Glory Hole: it makes my skills better watch

Breeder: I can’t watch I’m not there.

“Excuse me, my brothers in dick, I have to take care of something.” I find a quieter spot in a corner and pull up Colin’s contact. My phone buzzes with incoming texts from Rhys, but I don’t open them. I’m on a mission.

“Hey,” a girly voice says, way too close to my ear.

I jerk away but look at her. “Yeah?”

“How come you’re all alone over here? No one catching your eye?” She drags a finger down my arm and I pull that away from her too.

“Nope.” I lift my phone. “I gotta do this.”

Teddy: wuts ur problem

Colin: I’m sorry?

Teddy: u should b sorry

Colin: For what should I be sorry?

“You know, I’ve seen you at a lot of these parties. You never hook up or even look at anyone. Are you like asexual or something?”

I look up from my phone at the touchy girl, confused by her question. “I can’t have my own babies. I don’t have the incubator part.”

She looks confused at me. “What?”

“People need both kinds of sexy parts to have babies. I only have one part so I can’t be asexual. That’s science.”

“Rude,” she huffs.

“No you’re rude and you don’t know science!”

“What?” she asks.

“You shouldn’t ask people about their sexy parts, how they make produce, or what they’re into at a party. That’s what my mom told me!”

She looks like she smells something weird and walks away. Finally.

Colin: Are you ignoring me now?

Teddy: had 2 get rid of the touchy grl

Teddy: she thought i had a user-us

Colin: What?

Teddy: ur husband and the other 1 are being dick biscuits

Colin: What is a dick biscuit? I might want one.

Teddy: no its bad *Frowny face*

Colin: Are you sure? If my husband is one it can’t be that bad.

Teddy: i’m sure! it’s rotten

Colin: It’s when the dick is bad? How would you know? I’m sure I would have known if you fucked my husband.

Teddy: no no the other godfrey

Colin: Bullshit.

Teddy: not bullshit we fuck a lot

Colin: There’s no way. He’s painfully monogamous. He’s an asshole, but not a cheater.

Teddy: dont talk about him that way

Colin: He’s my brother in law and married to my best friend. I’ve earned the right.

Teddy: aww ur my friend 2

Colin: What is happening?

Teddy: u guys need 2 b nicer

Colin: To whom?

Teddy: if u have 2 ask prolly every1

Colin: Okay, that’s probably fair.

Teddy: good glad we greed

“Hey, dick brother.” I look up to find Lancelot sitting in the seat touchy girl was in.

“Yeah?”

“The guy at breakfast.”

“I eat breakfast a lot, you’ll have to be more pacific.”

“Do you mean specific?”

“That’s what I said.”

He looks confused but shakes his head. “Anyway. At the diner when we ran into you. That the boyfriend?”

“Yeah, but can you not tell anyone that?” Guilt is making me feel gross. All twisty and like I’ll throw up.

“Sure.” He shrugs. “Why though?”

“I don’t want anyone to think I’m letting him score or the Gods win because I’m fucking the enemy, you know?”

“That’s gotta be hard. How did you handle it last time we played them?”

“It wasn’t good. We weren’t officially together yet, and I blocked him for at least twenty minutes. Allegedly. I was a real dick about it.”

Lancelot nods like he understands. “Have you guys talked about the upcoming game? How you’ll handle it, both as a couple and individually? It’s gotta be a jumble of emotions right, like either way. If we win, you’re happy we won but feel bad he didn’t. And the reverse too.”

“Why the hell are you talking about emotions when you should be trying to get your dick sucked?” Osha cuffs Lancelot on the back of the head. The man has a point.

“You’re taken, what are you doing?” Lancelot throws back.

Osha wags his eyebrows. “Oh sweet baby gay, we are open to sharing.”

“That’s a real thing?” I ask him.

Cause there’s no way I’m sharing Rhys.

Ever.

“Yeah. We don’t get to see each other much since he’s at Darby U in Colorado. So it’s one of the ways we make it work.”

He has all of Lancelot’s attention now. “So you’re together but you date other people?”

“Nah, we don’t date other people. Just fuck. We video call during it so the other can watch, if we can, or voice call. If neither of those two things can happen, the hook up doesn’t happen.”

“I don’t think I could do that. If someone touched my boyfriend, I’m fighting.” I open my text with Rhys.

My Glory Hole: no ducking ne1 else event if u call mess

Breeder: What are you talking about?

My Glory Hole: i dont share

Breeder: How drunk are you right now?

My Glory Hole: prety drank

My Glory Hole: at least 47X5

Breeder: I’m going to assume you mean you aren’t into sharing me, which is great. I’m not into sharing you either.

My Glory Hole: god

Breeder: Send me a picture of your dick, I miss him.

I reach for my pants and pull open the waist band of my green Shrek shorts.

“What the hell are you doing?!”

That sounded like Porter.

I snap a picture of my soft dick, with flash since I’m classy, and send it before looking up.

Half the team is standing around me, staring.

“What?”

“Who did you just send a dick pic to?” Porter demands, crossing his arms, and looking real captain-y.

“Mind your own business. My dick is none of your concern.” I shove my phone in my armpit and clamp my arm down so they can’t get it.

Osha is doubled over laughing. Lancelot looks like he’s trying to disappear into the couch, Blondie and Shredder are staring at me in horror.

“What? Like you’ve never sent a dick pic to someone who asked for it.”

“Who the hell are you fucking that asked for a dick pic?” Blondie steps forward. “You know chicks don’t actually like those, right? They laugh at them and share them with their friends. Who also laughs at them.”

“You’re not even hard, did you really just send a naked mole rat pic?!” Shredder demands and now I’m feeling a little self-conscious about it. “No positioning or anything! Just open your pants and snap a picture with flash!”

“Are you a professional dick pic taker? Why are you all up in my shit, bro?”

“If I see your dick on social media tomorrow, I’m going to be so pissed.” Porter pinches the bridge of his nose.

“How would you even know it was mine?”

“Because you helicopter that shit every day in the locker room? I’m pretty sure everyone on the team could identify you by your dick.”

“Aww. I didn’t know you guys all cared that much. That’s really sweet.” I have those hot fluffies again.

Osha is on the floor, holding his stomach. He might have peed.

“How is any of that sweet?” Blondie asks, confused as fuck.

“You’re paying attention! You can identify my body if the gremlins get me.”

My phone buzzes in my hand.

Breeder: Please tell me you were alone when you took this.

My Glory Hole: the boys tink the cant id net me by by dick its no sweet

Breeder: What?