Page 36 of The Pawn

ALLEGRA

I’m curled up in my favorite place in the church. Candles are lit on the altar and wax that’s been dripping forever has created pillars to the floor. The fires are raging in both man-size fireplaces, but I’m still freezing. Still huddled under the thick throw on my lap.

We’ll bury my brother as soon as I’m well enough, physically and mentally. Cassian is waiting for my word. I don’t miss Michael, exactly, but he was my brother and it’s just me now. That feeling is lonely. I try to remind myself he was a shitty brother, but it doesn’t make it easier.

I’m holding a cup of tea that grew cold half an hour ago and staring straight ahead at Azazel. Fire licks up the walls around him and it’s like he’s trying to climb out of that hell hole, but his strength is nothing to the divine chains that bind him. Even with those immense raven-black wings at his back, he is too weak to break free.

If he can’t do it, how can I?

I shake my head. I can’tthink like that.

I study his face and if I concentrate, I can see the pain on his face. In his eyes.

If I really look, I think he’s looking back at me with those coal eyes.

When I was younger, I used to make up stories about the Watchers, angels sent as guardians of the human race. How they took human women to their beds.

Azazel did the unthinkable, the forbidden. He fell in love with a human woman and vowed to protect her no matter what.

When he was found out, when the great flood wiped out the Nephilim, their abomination offspring, and the angels were cast out of Heaven, Azazel made a bargain, accepting his fate in order to protect his beloved.

He kept his vow to her. He’d sworn to keep her safe until the end of time. He burns for eternity for love of her. He burns long after her bones have turned to dust in the earth.

My thoughts shift to Cassian like they always do. To his promise broken. To the vow now spoken.

The way he looked at me when we made love makes my heartbeats skip even now. There’s a violence at the heart of him, and it should scare me, but it’s the most beautiful thing because when he’s inside me, it’s for me. All that violencefor me. How I want him to look at me like that again because when he does, there’s something deep inside me that comes alive, that awakens after too long in the dark and I can almost let it out into the light. Almost.

No.

I shake my head.

Made love.I need to be careful. I need to be very, very careful here.

It’s been one week since Cassian got me out of thatplace. A full week and I’ve not heard from Amal, which doesn’t seem right, but Malek has cut her off. Cassian has men at my house in case Malek shows up, but he’s not going to. I know what Malek is doing. He’s building up his army. He has created the perfect excuse to bring those loyal to my father to war. And he may just be able to do it because there’s something I haven’t told Cassian. Something Malek made me do. A thing I hate myself for.

Someone clears their throat, and I startle. I do that a lot now, startle at all kinds of sounds, the littlest noises.

I turn to find Jet standing just a few feet away.

“Didn’t mean to scare you,” he says.

“You didn’t,” I lie, and bring the cold cup of tea to my lips only to have something to do.

There’s a moment of awkward silence. It’s been like this between us since Cassian brought me back. Cassian hasn’t left my side for more than an hour at a time and although I’ve heard him and Jet talking, although I’ve caught glimpses of him coming and going, we haven’t spoken.

“Found this,” he says when I finally muster a smile.

I look at what he’s holding, and I’m surprised. “My notebook.”

He nods, seems pleased by my reaction when I set the tea down and perk up. He hands it to me.

“I looked at it. I hope you don’t mind. I didn’t know whose it was or what it was.”

I take the book. I do mind, but I don’t say it. I don’t like anyone looking at this.

“That what you’re copying?” He gestures to the mural of Azazel.

“Just something I used to do.”