Page 9

SHANE

Vanessa.

I’d frozen in place when I’d seen her. She was perfect, flawless smile, trendy clothes.

I didn’t need to see anything else to understand why Vanessa and Calder made sense together.

It was too easy to imagine them walking into any bar, anywhere, and being the center of attention.

It was like getting a glimpse of their life together, Vanessa always on Calder’s arm.

I’d walked away from them without even realizing it, only stopping when Calder looked back at me for a moment. It felt like there was an apology behind his eyes, something he couldn’t figure out how to say. But I didn’t need to hear an apology from Calder.

I didn’t need to hear from him ever again.

This was my fault, anyway. I knew whatever we’d had was temporary, that he couldn’t have made any promises about anything between us being real. How could he? He barely knew who he was, no matter how confident he was when we were together.

Still, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I felt my heart cracking to pieces in my chest, and it made me feel like a complete idiot.

How was my heart broken over something that never was?

It was the equivalent of being heartbroken after waking up from a dream.

Calder was never an actual possibility, just a momentary figment of an overactive imagination.

When I made it back to my cabin, I tried my best to not think about Calder.

Instead, I tried to think about my future, the land that would one day be mine.

I thought about the open pastures, the rolling hills, the fence posts, the barns.

I thought about having my own claim, away from Stratton Ranch, building something just for me?—

But everything was tainted. Each piece of my future was fine on its own, but not as good without Calder.

It was impossible to imagine it without him, his smiling face surfacing in my thoughts no matter how much I tried to forget his features.

I groaned as I fell into a nearby chair, my head resting in my hands.

God.

It hurts so much.

When is it going to stop hurting?

“Shane? Shane!” Levi’s voice was on the other side of my door. “I know you’re in there. Open up.”

I groaned as I walked towards the door. When I opened it, I couldn’t hide the annoyance in my voice. “What do you want, Levi?”

“Saw the SUV.”

“Yeah?”

“Saw the girl,” Levi said as he let himself into my cabin. “Was that Calder’s…?”

“Girlfriend, it looks like. Vanessa.”

“They’re actually together?”

“Off and on. He thought they were off, but I guess they’ll be back on soon enough.”

“Uh-huh…” Levi eyed me up and down. “And? How are you taking it?”

“What are you talking about?” I shrugged. “Why would I care about Calder and Vanessa getting back together? Good for them.”

“Shane.” Levi stared over at me. “You know I’ve known you since we were kids, right? Which means I can tell when you’re lying, too.”

“Did you bring anything to drink?” I sidestepped his question, my chest suddenly aching. “I could really use something strong right about now.”

Levi produced a bottle of bourbon he’d been keeping behind his back. “I’ve got you, Shane. Always.”

We passed the bottle back and forth between us, sharing quiet swigs.

I couldn’t think of anything to say, but I was grateful for the company.

The pain in my chest hadn’t gone away, but it was much more manageable with someone else around, my attention focused on Levi instead.

Levi had been looking over at me every so often, like there was something on his mind.

“What? What is it?” I pressed. “I can tell you’re thinking something. Just spit it out.”

“It’s just…” Levi hesitated. “I don’t know. I’m just shocked, that’s all.”

“Shocked about what?”

“I don’t know. Everything felt like it was lining up…”

“And by everything you mean me and Calder?” I scoffed. “That wasn’t real, Levi. It wasn’t anything.”

“You don’t believe that, Shane.”

“Maybe I don’t know what I believe anymore.” I shook my head. “Nothing… nothing makes sense to me right now.”

“Are you still thinking about getting your own land?”

“Yep. Why?”

“What do you see when you think about it?”

“What?”

“You know what I mean, Shane.” Levi took a swig of bourbon. “When you think about your dream coming true… are you still all alone?”

“Does it matter? Even if he’s all I can think about, it’s not like I can convince Calder to stay. He’s happy where he is.”

“You really think he’s happy with her? You said they were off and on,” Levi replied. “That doesn’t exactly sound like happily ever after to me.”

“I never should’ve done this to myself, Levi.” I let out a wounded laugh. “I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. Why would I let everything get tangled up like this?”

“You didn’t let anything happen to you, Shane. This is just what happens when you fall for—” Levi stopped himself, mid-sentence. “My point is that it can’t be helped.”

“So, what now? We just keep drinking until I forget all about him?”

“Actually…” Levi placed the bottle behind him on the couch. “I think we’ve both had enough. The room is starting to feel a little too hot.”

“The room’s getting a little wobbly, too,” I tried to joke, tried to ignore the pain in my chest.

“I’m sorry, Shane,” Levi started. “I know how it feels when you think you have something, someone. And then everything just… blows to pieces right in front of you.”

“I’ll be all right. I think.” I shrugged. “I was fine before Calder showed up. I could always go back to that.”

“Sure, you were fine. But were you actually happy?”

“Does it matter?” My voice was low. “As long as I’m getting by, the rest I can figure out as I go.”

Levi shot me a concerned look but didn’t add anything else to the conversation, like he wanted to give me some space.

The quiet settled between us, as I let the alcohol work in my system, warmth flooding my veins.

It couldn’t hold a candle to the warmth I’d felt around Calder, but it was a good enough substitute for now.

And as I melted against the couch, I wondered if this was how it was going to be for the rest of my life.

Good enough.

Only good enough.

Never great. Never perfect. Never what I wanted.

Not without Calder by my side.

I wasn’t able to sleep. Not really.

Not even with the bourbon in my system.

I’d only been able to close my eyes here and there, my brain too restless to slip into the deep sleep I so desperately needed.

I’d been staring at my bedroom ceiling, idly wondering what Calder was up to, where he was.

I’d half been expecting him to show up at my cabin door after Levi left, useless words pouring out of his mouth, explaining how his promises weren’t really his .

He’d want me to know that the Calder at Stratton Ranch wasn’t the real Calder, not the one that mattered.

I groaned as the wind rattled the windowpanes, the pain in my chest radiating throughout the rest of my body.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I’d never let anyone get to me like this, not before Calder.

I’d always had my head on my shoulders when it came to romance, when it came to love.

I’d never fallen for anyone before, always quick to call things off or step to the side when things took up too much of my time.

I was pragmatic and practical, not the kind of person who tossed and turned in bed because some cowboy had broken their heart.

And yet, no matter how much I tried to remind myself that I was a person who always put logic first, the pain remained.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Calder and Vanessa, if they’d already decided to drive home together.

What if Calder wasn’t even on Stratton Ranch anymore?

What if he was long gone, back in the city, already forgetting all about me?

Could Calder forget about me?

I couldn’t forget about Calder, no matter how hard I tried.

I had a feeling Calder was going to haunt me for the rest of my life, some part of me always hoping that he was somehow right around the corner.

I’d be looking for him forever, wanting to know that he was okay, wanting to see him even if he never wanted to see me again.

It was going to become like breathing to me, holding out hope, wondering if he was thinking about me, too.

Finally, I closed my eyes.

But I didn’t dream, the darkness taking over me as I slipped underneath it.