Page 10

CALDER

I never planned on going back.

I woke up on the couch, a feeling of certainty settled in my chest. Memories had floated through with the morning, everything finally snapping into place.

Without uttering a word to Vanessa, I dashed out of the cabin, not stopping until I reached the stables.

I swiftly saddled my horse and headed out to the southern ridge of the ranch, memories still playing like a movie in my mind.

It was overwhelming, everything swimming through my brain at once.

I felt like I needed to be somewhere where I could just breathe, where I could just be.

I never planned on going back to Vanessa.

That last argument between us was going to be our final conversation.

I didn’t have any intentions of talking to her ever again, blocking her on my phone that morning and getting ready for work.

I’d been working on a nearby ranch, the storm throwing me off my path, somehow bringing me towards Stratton.

There was nothing left of Vanessa and me, which had felt like there was nothing left of me, either.

Or at least, the me I’d been pretending to be.

The old Calder had been committed to something false, an image he wanted to project for other people.

I was so invested in the falsehood that I’d lost myself in it, thinking it was real.

It was like a magician falling for his own tricks, forgetting that he’d orchestrated every moment.

Is it cruel of me?

Creating that same world of illusion for Vanessa, pretending so well that she’d fallen for it, too.

No wonder we were on again, off again. Each time she’d figured out the trick, I’d change things up just enough to keep her hooked, to keep us going.

At the time, I’d just thought it was us against the world, that our love was tumultuous because it was fated.

If it was true love, it wasn’t supposed to be easy, it was supposed to be epic.

But nothing could’ve been further from the truth.

I took a deep sigh as the wind hit against my face, images of Shane hitting me at the same time.

My Shane. My cowboy.

It’d been so simple with him, so easy, so real.

I remembered moments with him long before my accident, our polite exchanges, the way I couldn’t get him out of my mind.

I’d been attracted to Shane before but knew that I would never act on it, too ashamed of who I was to ever admit it.

I’d convinced myself that he represented a forbidden fruit, my desire for him a part of me I was never going to let come to the surface for air.

But even when I thought Shane was just tempting eye-candy, I never could’ve imagined just how perfect for each other we were. He’d gone from a daydream to a real flesh and blood connection, something in his soul always quieting mine.

I took another deep breath as I stared out at the ridge.

I needed to talk to Vanessa.

But I knew now that I didn’t just need to tell her the truth. I needed to apologize to her, too.

I needed to make things right.

“Hey! Calder. There you are.” Vanessa beamed as I stepped back inside the cabin. “I was just looking for you?—”

“We need to talk, Vanessa.”

Her smile quickly faded. “Talk about what, Calder?”

“I just… can we go somewhere?” I pressed. “I don’t think we should have the conversation here.”

“Greasy spoon place? In town?”

“But you don’t even like that place?—”

“It’ll be my last time going, won’t it?” Vanessa’s eyes glistened with tears. “I think it’s only fitting as a place to remember you by.”

“Vanessa…”

“Come on. Let’s go.” She grabbed her keys, soon playfully shaking them. “We can save all the sad shit until there’s pancakes in front of us.”

I followed Vanessa out to her SUV, sliding into the passenger seat.

A few minutes later, we were pulling up to Canyon Creek Diner.

The car ride had been filled with songs from one of Vanessa’s playlists, pop music bouncing around the vehicle.

When she cut the music off and opened her car door, the finality of the moment hit me like a ton of bricks.

This wasn’t just about ending things with Vanessa. It felt like closing the door on my old life.

Vanessa and I found a booth near the back of the diner, far away from anyone who could’ve overheard our conversation. There were still tears in her eyes, but her expression was neutral, like she was mourning something she’d mourned before.

“There’s someone else, isn’t there?” She started. “Did you meet him on the ranch?”

“Him?” I was nearly stunned into silence. “Wait, Vanessa. Did you know…?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.” She let out a wounded laugh. “I thought about asking you, but I didn’t know if you really knew, either. Besides, we always got back together and there weren’t other girls in the picture so… I was happy, I guess, for the lack of competition.”

I smiled over at her. “There’s no competing with you, Vanessa. What we had…”

“Stop. You don’t have to do that.”

“Do what?”

“Try to make me feel better about this.” She shook her head. “Calder, I’m happy for you. I really am. You have every right to be happy, to be yourself. And yeah, we’ve had our time together, but we don’t have to pretend like it was all sunshine and roses.”

“Sure, but?—”

“We were a goddamn mess, Calder Hayes, and you know it.” Vanessa laughed again. “This was doomed.” She leaned across the table. “I know you blocked me, by the way. What the hell? Were you just going to never talk to me again or what?”

“I think that was sort of the plan, yeah.”

“Asshole.” She smirked. “You’re supposed to break up over pancakes, everybody knows that.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Are you really going to be okay?”

“Uh, yeah.” She wiped a tear away from her eye. “Like I said, Calder. We were doomed. I knew this was coming, I just didn’t know when. I just…”

“You just what?”

“I just hope it works out for you. That’s all.” She smiled. “I want the world for you, Calder.”

“I want the world for you, too, Vanessa.”

“That seemed intense.”

Virgil was suddenly sitting across from me in the diner booth. Vanessa had left a few moments ago, hugging me goodbye before walking out of my life forever. I’d been finishing off the rest of my breakfast, staring down at my plate so much so that I hadn’t noticed Virgil until he spoke.

“You have got to stop doing that,” I murmured. “And what? Were you watching me again?”

“I see all.” He playfully shrugged. “So, was that your ex-girlfriend?”

“Yep. Sure was.”

“Did you break up with her because of Shane?”

“Not just because of Shane, no,” I replied. “There were a lot of things that weren’t working between us. They never were.”

“Hmm…”

“What?”

“I can see why you and Shane get along so well. You seem like a very pragmatic person.” Virgil grinned. “Shane’s our smart one. Well, except when it comes to you, maybe.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s difficult for someone like him, so wound up, always.” He shook his head. “He’s a perfectionist but you can’t be a perfectionist when it comes to matters of the heart.”

“Matters of the heart?”

“Matters like you, yes.” Virgil nodded. “Which reminds me, do you need a ride back to the ranch? Pretty sure your ex-girlfriend was your ride here.”

“Shit. You’re right.” My eyes went wide at the realization. “Was she really just going to leave me here?!”

“To be fair, you did just break up with her.” Virgil laughed. “That’s the least she could’ve done, in the grand scheme of things. One time, Jolene got so upset with me, she burned down my shed.”

Virgil nodded across the room at a woman standing behind the counter. “Couldn’t ask for a better woman. Honestly, she could burn down the whole ranch if she wanted to.”

I had a million follow up questions but decided against them.

Instead, I stood up from the booth, already heading out to the parking lot.

Virgil was right behind me, and soon, we were driving back to Stratton Ranch.

I tried to run through the conversation with Shane in my head, rehearsing what I was going to say, things he might say in return.

I needed him to know that I’d spoken to Vanessa, that I remembered everything now, that I knew that he was the one for me.

A chill went through me, then, just as Virgil turned down the road.

Shit.

What if Shane doesn’t feel the same way?

What if I’d blown up my world, all for nothing?